Both the White vampire and I kneeled down to face the Council. Normally, we were not allowed to see them in person. We glanced at each other and then looked up at the two people sitting at the long oaken desk. There was an elf and an old man, older than any other human could ever hope, or want, to be. The elf began to speak.
“Welcome. We have some very special orders for you today, that is why you are seeing us in person.”
The old man shifted a bit, unnerved by the two vampires kneeling in front of him.
“You may or may not know this, but the humans are starting to unlock magical abilities.”
“They are?” I asked, intrigued but not worried.
“Yes. Now, you may also know that they weren't supposed to have magical abilities. The Gods,” he paused to make the symbol of the Gods, a triangle, over his heart, “Created the humans first. Thinking this was enough glory for them, they moved on to the other races, the dwarves and the cursed orcs. They then made the beautiful and graceful elves and granted them the gift of magic. The humans somehow got a hold of this power.”
“And?” The white vampire asked, “Who cares?”
“I do,” the elf said with a sneering look in his eye.
“Apparently,” the old man spoke this time, “The elf thinks that the human mages are going to go rampant and murder the elves that they don't even know exist!” He chuckled as the elf yelled “I Do Not!”
The elf, realizing what he had done, smoothed his coat down and collected himself.
“I do not...anyway, there is one human mage who has become more proficient in magic than many elves ever do. I want you to hunt him down.”
“What do we do with him then?” I asked.
“Bring him back here. And, if you find any other mages along your way, “ the elf's face darkened, “Kill them...”1
I walked slowly towards the first house where a known mage lived. This job was dumb. What were the mages going to do to the elves, or rather, what did the elf think they were going to do?
“Oh, well,” I said to myself and continued on my way.
I reached the house at almost midnight and snapped my fingers. My dark minions appeared behind me sending waves of darkness bursting from my body. I stopped and looked at the house. Three entrances, this was good.
“Let's go,” I muttered and my minions flew around and burst open the doors.
I walked inside and saw the mage. He was sitting at his desk looking out the window at the full moon. He turned his head when I walked in and stood up.
“Do not come closer mage,” I told him, “I only want to know one thing. Are you the mage we're looking for?”
The mage took a slight step forward.
“No...but I'm not about to tell you where he is!” He yelled and flung himself towards me. His fist, aimed at my face, was caught by my hand. I stepped around and swung him into a wall. He slid down moaning.
“Let's leave,” I said and snapped again. My minions dissipated as I walked out of the house.
Author notes
first two chapters of my novel (well soon to be) "Teeth, and Magic"
there IS more
- Chatue Domasque group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Short Stories by Quixotic.
455 points, ended June 13, 31 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Your Character by WritersEffigy.
350 points, ended June 28, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampire Convention by Dragon of Earth.
170 points, ended October 7, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Interesting and intriguing. Draws you in very well. The end kinda was a bit anticlimatic though...only to my own view of course. O__O
One thing to do is give line spacing...the option there.
Keep writing. Want to see what happens.
-HT
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interesting
Its something that draws you in, and makes you want to know more. Although, I hope the plot begins to pick up a little because its a bit slow at the begining. If a reader wasnt interested in the magical, then I dont think they would read any farther than the first paragraph. Please keep writing it though, I think its interesting.. Rewarded 6
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there are 8 parts so far
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This could do with some polishing, namely seperating the paragraphs and dialogue to make it easier to read, but also some of te sentences could do with being joined up to improve the flow --->
"There was an elf and an old man, older than any other human could ever hope, or want, to be, and it was the elf who began to speak."
Just an example, but i hope it helps.. Rewarded 8
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thanks for commenting
and i just didn't want the automatic double spacing of the site so i left it as it was in PDF form
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I agree with WritersEffigy. With the time period and characters you're using, you have to learn to write as if it were happening then, not now. Also try not to repeat words. When you talk about her dark minions, you repeat the word dark a lot, instead try evil or something like that. Anyways, it has a pretty good plot and could go far with editing and such. Good job!
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also...it's all in past tense so i don't see what you mean by "you have to learn to write as if it were happening then, not now"
past tense: writing as though events happened in the past.. -
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I meant that it seemed you were writing modern stuff when you should be writing about back in the day. And yes, I know what past tense is.
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how do you know it's back in the day...i never mention what time period it is...or are you just assuming because of elves and magic and all that?
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Well in the few chapters I've read, the way some stuff is just suggests that it is. Maybe it would help if you could put the time period or put some more things suggesting when it is, it would probably help a bit.
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HIM!
not her...and the following chapters are better.
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Needs polishing.
This has some great potential, seriously great potential. I like the idea of elves getting all worried about what might happen, and you seem to have an idea of the universe the story takes place it, but it needs some more.
Thanks for entering! -
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i in fact do explain more, in the other parts. this is the first two chapters of my book that i'm writing so the other parts have more
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How does the mage know that your vampire isn't looking for him? Seems like he had some information the character shouldn't have had.
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i'm trying to make it so that all the mages look up to the "one" mage. So the mage knows he is not the strongest
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Very good beginning, should add more detail and 'guts'. Flawed grammar and structure, but very good concept. I would love to read more on this if you have it; or when you write it let me know. Sounds liek it could definately be interesting and you seem to have a good idea of what the story is about.
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yes i do :D
i do in fact have more to this. the next two chapters sort of fill you in on details about both the characters some more but i will post them
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