The air was warm against our chilled skin and the sun made me blink rapidly as my eyes adjusted. The valley was just as lush as I had left it, only more so. Trees, the size of the buildings that held the Master’s workrooms, grew with confidence. Majestic Oaks, with their dark green leaves, grew alongside wise Alders and their white bark. I even noticed a mulberry bush poking its heart-shaped leaves of mid-green through shrubs of the mature trees. The hills were speckled with scattered flowers in a multitude of colors, and wild grass grew thickly blanketing the ground.1
I smiled as I patted the apple tree I had changed when I was first here. It was larger than I had left it. The apples were no longer green, but a deep red with shiny spots of maroon, just the right consistency to make spiced applecider.2
"Is this the tree?" Kyle asked, breaking the silence.3
I nodded, but kept quiet, afraid to intrude on the magic of this place. I made a path in the wild grass as I tread my way to the river. 4
The lake where the mysterious serpent played was a short walk along the swollen river. The water tapped against the sides agitating the lose dirt. The edges were a barrier of mud. Frogs and other small music making creatures played their rhythm, with a small breeze that pushed the strands of pussy willow against its neighbor. Gardenias and tulips swayed as they sent their aroma into the air. From tree branches, birds called to one another as rodents stirred up dust and other debris below.5
A variety of scents blew passed us as we pushed our way through the vegetation. The crushed grass from below our bare feet smelled of warm summer nights, and sipping lemonade from beneath an old growth of shade trees. While the shrubs we passed smelt of jasmine and new beginnings. The breeze brought the scent of algae and crisp, clear water. The lake was just ahead of us.6
Kyle and I pushed through the tall marsh grass that grew along the south shore. From the pristine blue waters of the newly created lake, came the splashing of a large creature. Where we stood, hidden in the green fence, we could not clearly see what was causing the commotion.7
I motioned to Kyle to move further down the lakeshore, while I stayed where I was. I pressed down a small circle of grass to make a comfortable cushion, and then settled myself to watch the unauthorized serpent.8
From my place I watched Kyle find his own spot in a stand of bay trees. I giggled as he walked around in a circle, like a cat curling up to sleep, before he finally sat down. I pulled my pack onto my lap and rummaged around inside until I found the hard bread Mastercook Madara had packed for this journey. The crust was crunchy, but once you broke through the inside was light and buttery.9
When we first arrived the lake had been a symphony of sounds. From the deep-throated calls of the bullfrogs, to the twitter and chirps of the birds in the trees surrounding us, and the splashing of water. Now there was silence. 10
The lake's surface was completely still. The clear blue sky was reflected perfectly in the glass like surface. Puffy, ice cream clouds drifted lazily across the top, only to be disrupted by a clump of brown cattails.11
As I chewed the bread, I watch for any sign of the mysterious serpent. Seconds slipped into minutes, and minutes tripped into hours and I drifted off into a light slumber.12
At first I became aware of the insect orchestra resuming its concert. Then the birds calling to one another, before the splashing penetrated my sleepy mind.13
The sun had slowly started its descent towards the western horizon. Subtle shades of pink and orange spread across the sky like the sherbet Mastercook Madara served at Midsummer. I blinked rapidly to adjust my eyes. The temperature had dropped a couple of degrees while I had my eyes closed.14
Falling asleep sitting up is never comfortable and today was no exception. My neck muscles were stiff and an ache had started in between my shoulder blades. Once I had been comfortable. Once I had always been feed, dry and warm. That was before I had come to the Academy. Before momma had died, before dad had become distant.15
Life had been easy. We had farmed on the outskirts of Pribyl. Corn had flourished on our land, and the land had been in my family’s name since before the written word. Dark slender leaves swished with the gentle breeze, while oval husks grew towards the sun. Momma walked the rows singing simple lullabies to D' Anna. My sister rested against momma’s strong back, sleeping, as the scent of life and freshly tilled soiled floated around her.16
I ran up and down the rows, sliding past huge stalks and scaring the naughty birds that were looking for a free meal.17
My younger days were filled with laughter, sun and singing, until momma stopped walking the row. The songs quietly slipped from our days, as momma more and more stayed near the house.18
I remembered one day in particular: Mastercreator Ruben, a young master at the time, had stopped by to see momma. Momma had been sitting at the table. I remember the table being splintered and worn. Knife marks scarred the face and burn marks dotted the top. Momma sat tracing the latest knife marks, when Master Ruben sat on the other side and stopped her hands. I watched as he stroked the back and over her knuckles. Papa stood by the fire with fingers in his mouth. Mamma talked quietly for a while, long enough that I fell asleep on the floor.19
The next day I found myself laying by Momma in her bed. The mattress was lumpy and as I turned the scent of fresh cutgrass and lavender tickled my nose.20
Mamma’s arm was dropped across my shoulder and I remember it being thin. She had whispered to the back of my head, her soft breath blowing stray hairs away from my neck, that I was to be happy and to find my way.21
A splash from off on my left brought me out of the past. I caught a glimpse of iridescent skin flashing just at the surface, before it disappeared beneath a frothy build up. Ripples expanded out from the center only to meet the shore and end their short journey.22
I peeked through the puss willows at Kyle. Through slotted vegetation, I noticed that he was slumped down. His chin rested on his chest, with arms lazily crossed over his stomach. I searched the flattened grass around me for a rock.23
Kyle startled as the smooth rock I had threw at him struck his arm. He looked my way and I held my finger to my lips as I motioned to the lake. He nodded and turned to the water, crouching at the edge.24
Again something broke the surface, giving us only a glimpse of a large animal. Time and again a ripple broke through the symphony of an insect orchestra. The birds beat their wings, as they called from the dense canopy above in anger.25
After a time my stomach started protesting against it lack of nourishment. I searched my simple pack, pushing papers and loose foliage around at the bottom, until I came to the conclusion that I had finished off what I had earlier brought.26
The gnawing at my belly grew as I searched, masking the soft footfalls of my advancing guest. Insects and birds alike stopped their chatter and the soft lapping of the water caressing the shore took up the background noise. A subtle movement over my right shoulder had me glancing in that direction. My body tensed as the shadow inched closer to my position.27
Young tendrils carved around bare feet, snaking up exposed ankles, to curl around clothed knees. Before the assailant knew what was happening, the vine had wrapped itself around the intruder’s body, ending with the mouth covered by a leaf of large proportions. A muffled moan escaped from the shrouded figure. I turned and slowed the growth of the vines.28
"Who are you?“ I asked, circling the figure. More muffled sounds emerged as blue eyes peeked from between thick branches. I knew those eyes.29
"Kyle?"30
A slight nod was all the figure could accomplish. I fixed my thoughts on the vines and they released Kyle. He dropped to his knees and gasped, "Did you do that?"31
I covered my mouth; I tried to stifle the laughter I felt bubbling up. I stood up and nodded while pulling off thick vegetation.32
"I'm sorry," I said between hiccups. "I didn't know it was you."33
Kyle shook the last of the vines off of his legs. "That was amazing."32
I could feel my cheeks heating up from the compliment. I looked down and caught a brown lizard scurry around my bare feet.33
Kyle cleared his throat to get my attention. When I looked up he gestured behind me. It was then that the heat I had felt on my cheeks was on the back of my neck. I could feel loose strands brush across my skin as if a summer breeze was blowing. My eyes were wide as I searched Kyle’s face for any suggest to what I was feeling.34
Kyle's hair was still, so I knew that there wasn't a breeze. His mouth was working, but no sound emerged. Finally I recognized words between his stumbling babble. "Serpent," he mouthed.
Author notes
Edited 6/14/2009
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Good Morning Brooke, hope you had a nice holiday
.
I certainly enjoyed reading this chapter of your novel. The plot is progressing perfectly; the two young characters here are delightful to watch. The tense parts come at the right time to grab and hold your reader’s attention and then the light humor releases one’s laughter
without it becoming silly.
As always, you draw such wonderful descriptions that the reader can ‘See’, ‘Feel’, and ‘Smell’ along with the characters.
The scene with the dieing mother and her child brought tears to my eyes.
I will have to read the next chapter to find out what the Serpent does. Great ending hook.
I picked out a few things for you to look at:
The valley was just as (lush or verdant ) as when)I had left it, only lusher (is lusher a word?).
Trees, the size of the buildings the workrooms of the Masters, grew with confidence. ( Trees, the size of the buildings where in stood the workrooms of the Masters, grew with confidence.) or ( Trees, the size of the buildings that housed the workrooms of the Masters, grew with confidence.)
I even noticed a mulberry bush poking its heart-shaped leaves of midgreen (mid-green)through shrubs of the mature trees. The hills were speckled with scattered flowers (in) a multitude of colors, and wild grass grew (thickly) blanketing the ground.1
It was larger then (than) I had left it.
I nodded, but kept quiet, afraid to intrude on the magic of this place. I made a path in the wild grass as I treaded (tread) my way to the river. 4
I motioned to Kyle to move further down the lakeshore, while I stayed where I was. I smashed (pressed) down a small circle of grass to make a comfortable cushion, and then settled myself down to watch the unauthorized serpent.8(down echoes and the second one isn’t needed.)
From my spot (place) I watched Kyle find his own spot in a stand of bay trees.
. From the deep-throated calls of the bullfrogs, to the twitter and chips (chirps) of the birds in the trees surrounding us,
Corn had flourished on our land, and the land had been in my families (family’s) name since before the written word.
I peeked through the puss willows at Kyle. Through slotted vegetation, I saw noticed (saw or noticed) that he was slumped down.
Kyle startled as the smooth rock I had thrown (threw) at him struck his arm.
The knawing (gnawing) at my belly grew as I searched, masking the soft footfalls of my advancing guest.
Before the assailant knew what was happening, the vine had wrapped themselves (either vines and themselves or vine and itself) around the intruder’s body, ending with its (the) mouth covered by a leave (leaf) of large proportions. A muffled moan escaped from the shrouded figure. I turned and slowed the growth of the vine. (Depending on it or them could be vines.)28
A slight nod was all the figure could accomplish. I fixed my thoughts on the vines and they released Kyle. He dropped to his Knees (knees) and gasped,
Geri
plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Great chapter
We finally got to the serpent, but I want to know what it is and what it looks like.
Trish
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Oh, yeah! I loved this chapter. I am glad that you gave us a glimpse into what her life was once like, and the descriptions in this chapter are so beautiful.
It's glad to see that we're getting back to the serpent at last, but I loved the road leading back, you know? It's like a journey in and of itself, although I'm sure it's not the main journey.
It has just begun.
I am glad that she has Kyle to be with her, although he is somewhat strange at times...like a
. 
Oh, that was funny.
As always, I do have a few suggestions. I'll IM you. I loved this chapter and can't wait until next week. Awesome.
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Small stuff:
p1. '..the size of the buildings the workrooms of the Masters.. ' sounds awkward. Perhaps '..buildings that held the Master's workrooms..' or something like that.
p10. 'When we had first arrived the lake been a symphony of sounds.' I would move the had to .. 'When we first arrived the lake had been a symphony of sounds.', to prevent using had twice in the sentence.
p25. ..giving us only 'a' glimpse..
Wow, Sabrina's talents seem to be expanding. Now she can also make plants act upon her thoughts. Interesting. It was amusing that the first time she tried it happened to be on Kyle.
He'll be thinking twice before making here angry now. *laughs*
I like the little bit of family background and seeing that she's known Master Rubin since she was a child.
Her little planet she's created seems to be blossoming quite nicely.
So is the serpent standing right behind her now?
Guess I gotta wait till next week to find out, huh?
I like the way the story is still developing. Each chapter adds an interesting new element.
Nicely done Brooke.
Greg
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I forgot to respond to this. Sorry about that. Have made the changes. Thanks
Brooke
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First off, there is some awkward phrasing in the first two paragraphs, however, nothing that can't be fixed. Edits are in []:
'Trees[,] the size of the buildings the workrooms of the Masters, grew with confidence. Majestic Oaks[,] with their dark green leaves[,] grew alongside wise Alders and their white bark. I even noticed a mulberry bush poking [its] heart-shaped leaves of midgreen[no comma needed here] through shrubs of the mature trees. The hills were speckled with scattered flowers ['of' is redundant, can be removed without altering the impact of this sentence] a multitude of colors, and wild grass grew {'as if' is also redundant - there is no comparison - the growing grass would be 'blanketing' the ground] blanketing the ground.1
I smiled as I patted the apple tree that had first started this path we were on.' - this sentence is quite unclear. It took me a couple of reads to realise that you meant it was the tree that she had changed and thus initiated the direction her life is now headed in - I think that you need to replace 'path' with something else so that the reader doesn't confuse this with a literal path.
Other errors that stood out to me:
para 6 'The crushed grass from below our bare feet smelled of warm summer nights, sipping lemonade from beneath an old growth of shade trees.' - the last phrase is a dangling participle - the verb phrase cannot be logically linked to either of the preceding nouns. You need to add a 'doer' of the action 'sipping lemonade'.
para 24 'Kyle started as the smooth rock; I had thrown at him, struck his arm.' Firstly, incorrect semi-colon use. Secondly, the sentence is awkwardly phrased and contains a comma splice. I suggest: 'Kyle startled as the smooth rock I had thrown at him struck his arm.'
para 32 'I covered my mouth; trying to stifle the laughter I felt bubbling up.' Another incorrectly placed semi-colon. Either replace with a comma or make what follows it a complete thought: 'I covered my mouth, trying to stifle the laughter I felt bubbling up.' OR 'I covered my mouth; I tried to stifle the laughter I felt bubbling up.'
There are other edits, but they are fairly minor or can be accepted as differences in style. Overall, I loved the imagery in this piece, as well as the developing relationship between Sabrina and Kyle.
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I cut 'that had first started this path we were on.' I hope it makes more sense now.
Ok I have made the necessary changes. Thank you
Brooke
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First off, I want to go to this world. It sounds so beautiful.
I only have a few things that maybe need changed?
Paragraph (1) you say trees the size of the buildings the workroom of the masters. I was a little cconfused by this.. I think I know what you are saying, but ihad to reread it a few times. Maybe it was just me
I love how you described Kyle making his cirle.. Like a cat curling up to sleep. I have three cats and couldjust imagine it.
In paragraph (10) I think you may want a HAD before been? not sure.
Ok I'm moving on in hopes she doesn't get eaten by the serpent.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent pictures in your work. I can see all the garden scenes and the characters are becoming well developed in a short space. I like this story. Hope it continues to develop this way.
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Thanks so much for reading. I do hope that you will check out the first seven. Been working on the ninth part and should have it done soon.
Again thanks for reading and for commenting.
Brooke
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Wow, the prose flowed so well in this part. Fantastic use of adjectives here! This is one of the better written chapters I've read by you, Brooke! I really dig this story, and the little drama at the end makes me want to read on. I didn't see anything wrong with this chapter at all. Excellent work!
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Really???? Nothing wrong? Wow, that's never happened.
Thanks again for always stopping by and reading what I post.
Brooke
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Beautiful
The phrasing was so evocative in every written word.There was emotion behind the story. The climax at the end would leave the reader wanting more.
Just a few typos and I don't get the third sentence in the first paragraph. Overall a good read. I think I will start from chapter 1 before I read chapter 9.
Julie
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks so much for your praise. That sentence you were talking about just says that the trees were going tall. Just in a more flowery way
Again thank you and I will read through to find the typos
Brooke
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