Something worth living for

Shock came over her, the doctor had just uttered the worst words he could. And she didn't want to believe them.1

After all this time they'd finally decided she was going to live. She didn't want to live, not any more. For months she had been preparing herself to die, she'd sold her car and given up her apartment, quit her job, given away everything to her friends and spent almost all her money on a dream holiday for herself and Logan.2

Oh God, Logan. What was he going to think. He'd probably be thrilled. But even knowing he would be happy, that didn't make it any better. It was still hard to believe, that she, Corrie, could have made the miraculous recovery from the lung cancer she had been struggling with for years.3

Corrie suddenly became aware of the doctor again, sitting up straighter she looked him in the eyes again. “Y-You're sure? You didn't mix up my test results?” Silently she cursed herself for stumbling but the doctor didn't seem to notice.4

The doctor seemed to immediately assume she was worried that she was indeed going to die, in fact it was the complete opposite, not that he'd know it.“We're completely sure, we triple checked all the results.” 5

Numbly she nodded, getting up and gathering her coat and bag. “Thank you Dr. Morris. For all you've done for me over the years.” 6

“You've always been one of my best patients Corrie, always so brave.”7

She nodded again, moving towards the door.8

But Dr. Morris still had one more thing to say. “You may have to come back in six months or so, for follow up tests, just to make sure the cancer is completely gone.”9

Corrie turned slightly, one hand on the door handle.”I'll be there.” Then she left, making sure to put on her coat, gloves and scarf before she left the building, this time of year the winds were cruel and cold and she had to walk home in the dark. 10

Logan's apartment, where she had been living for the past few months since she got rid of her apartment, was halfway across the city, a good two hour walk from the private practice that Dr. Morris owned and ran. Normally she wasn't too enthusiastic about the walk but today she welcomed it, needing time to think.11

Corrie's mother and two older brothers would be happy of course, they'd never really accepted the fact that she was going die. Brad, her eldest brother, had been coming to terms with it slowly but she suspected he'd been harboring a secret hope that all the treatments would work. And obviously, they had.12

She turned her thoughts to Logan, how was she going to tell him? He'd always been there for her, especially when she was at her worst. He was the one who had nursed her when she was sick, comforted her, soothed away the aches and pains that chemotherapy brought. She knew him better than anyone else in the world, yet she had no idea how to tell him the one thing that would make him happiest.13

A silent tear trickled down her cheek, followed by many more. By the time she reached the apartment that had become her home she was sobbing in earnest, her breath coming in little gasps, as if she had been running a marathon. In some ways she had. One thing was for sure, she had no strength to resist when Logan opened the door and pulled her into his arms, stroking her back and mumbling reassuring words into her hair.14

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The next morning when Corrie woke up it was in the warm and familiar bed of the apartment, Logan's arm protectively around her, holding her close. When she tried to slip out of the bed Logan mumbled something incomprehensible and pulled her closer, she sighed but remained in the bed, staring at the far wall which she happened to be facing. 16

It was covered with pictures of her, old school pictures and family photos, but most importantly, many many pictures of her and Logan over the years. Her favorite was the one of them at one of the corporate dinners the company he worked for hosted, just before she'd had a relapse which was so bad she was stuck in hospital for a month. They looked happy in that photo, both of them smiling, Logan's arm protectively around her waist, her head leaning against his shoulder. That was back in the days when she'd still had the will to fight. When she still believed life was better than death.17

She rolled over, the flood of memories almost too much to handle. So Corrie distracted herself by tracing the outlines of Logan's face with her fingers. She was going over his lips for about the eighth time when his eyes opened. 18

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.” she murmured as she pulled away her fingers.19

He sat up and yawned, stretching out his arms as he did. She did too, clutching the sheet to her chest. Logan chuckled softly to himself, amused by her modesty which she'd managed to maintain throughout the five years they'd been together.20

“Don't worry about it, it was time I was waking up anyway. Did you sleep well?”21

Corrie nodded, leaning against him, her head on his chest. He kissed the top of her head and put his arm around her. It only reminded her of the night before, when he'd cradled her in his arms, trying to calm her sobs. When that hadn't worked he'd scooped her into his arms and carried her to their bedroom to sooth them away with kisses and soft caresses, a method that had worked many times before when she was upset. She still had to tell him though she would wait until he brought up the subject, he would eventually.22

And he did, sooner than expected. “Why were you so upset last night sweetie? Did you get bad news from the doctor?” she could hear the concern in his voice and knew she couldn't not tell him.23

She tilted her head a bit so she could look up at his face, “Actually.....I got good news. Very good news. I was just overwhelmed by it, that's all, I wasn't upset.” she paused and he waited patiently for her to tell him, “The cancer is gone, all of it. The death sentence hanging over my head is gone.” She managed to force herself to smile as she said it, but she knew that deep down inside that was not what she felt.24

For a few seconds Logan looked as if he couldn't believe it then a huge smile crept across his face. “That's wonderful sweetie, absolutely wonderful!” He bent down and gave her a kiss she would never forget, that's how amazing it felt. “Come on, let's go make a celebratory breakfast.”25

She smiled softly at his eagerness and climbed obediently out of the bed. Quickly she donned her robe and left the bedroom together, hand in hand. 26

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Winter was in full force eight weeks later, the streets covered in snow and heaters going around the clock in most homes to keep them at a comfortable temperature. It was no different at the apartment, except for the fact that Logan had turned on a few too many heaters in his quest to keep Corrie safe from illness. Not only did the apartment feel like a sauna but he wouldn't let her leave until it warmed up. He didn't want to take any risks.28

But despite Logan's determination Corrie found herself confined to bed with the flu. Logan didn't want to go to work but she made him go after finally agreeing to let his mother's housekeeper, Cheryl, come to look after her during the day.29

After a week she still wasn't better, her cough was minimal and her cold was gone but the nausea remained. Receiving bad news throughout the week hadn't done much good either.30

On Thursday morning she'd gotten the phone-call, she'd been in bed, having crawled back under the covers after retching her guts out just five minutes earlier. Sara, the other last surviving member of their support group had finally succumbed to the cancer that had been eating away at her lungs for years. Corrie had found herself wishing she could join her.31

That night when Logan had come home she'd sobbed it out in his arms. She and Sara had been such good friends, especially since they had outlived the others by at least a year. Thomas, Janie, Liliana, Michael and now Sara, they were all gone, all beyond her reach. It just didn't seem fair. They had all wanted so much to live yet they were all dead. She wanted so much to die, now more than ever, yet death seemed impossible to come by.32

She insisted on going to Sara's funeral, Logan had tried to convince her to stay home but after many tears on her part and a full-on tantrum which would have put a three-year-old to shame he had conceded but insisted on going with her. Two days later, sitting in the hard pew next to Logan she was glad he was there to support her, but it didn't stop the pain from growing until it threatened to overwhelm her.33

The first thing she did when they got home was to run to the bathroom to throw up yet again. When she finally emerged Logan was just putting down the phone. 34

“Who were you calling?” she asked, coming to stand beside him.35

“Dr. Morris, I made an appointment for Monday.” Logan looked slightly sheepish, as if he had done something he wasn't meant to.36

“Why?” Corrie lifted her hand to his forehead but it felt perfectly cool as normal. “Are you sick?” 37

“No....” there was that sheepish look again. “You are. And I'm worried about you Corrie, so you and I are going to go to the doctor on Monday.”38

She sighed and considered for a moment refusing to go, but then she thought better of it, eventually she would have to go anyway, besides, she wanted to know what was going on herself, it was just a little bit scary to not know why she was so sick. “Fine....I'll go but only to make you happy.”39

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On Sunday night Corrie went to bed early, partly on Logan's urging but also because she wanted to, she hadn't had that much time to reflect on the death of one of her best friends and she needed to get it out of her system. Preferably before her appointment the next afternoon.41

She lay curled in a ball, her head beneath the covers, soaking the sheets with her silent tears. Why had everyone else been taken before they were ready to go? Why did she feel so guilty about living that she wanted to die? There were so many questions but no-one had the answers for her.42

She remembered the first time she had felt like she wanted to die, the day Thomas hadn't shown up for their weekly meeting. The day his wife had shown up instead. She'd sat in the middle of the circle of chairs and cried, Liliana, Janie and Sara crowding round her, trying to comfort her. Corrie had just stood on the other side of her chair, perhaps realizing for the first time that they were all going to die, and for the first time, she had felt like welcoming death.43

After they lost Janie and Liliana her guilt grew, as did her desire to just give up and die. Dying meant the pain would stop. Dying meant they would never again have to go for another treatment. Dying meant they would be happy again.44

After Michael died a year ago she wanted it all the more. In death they would all be reunited. In death would they escape the complications of life. But that being so, she never could quite bring herself to even think of suicide. She wanted to wait, to wait and suffer as the others had done, wait for the cancer to get her.45

And now it never would. She still felt cheated, she still felt it wasn't fair. Everyone else had had to suffer yet she, she had escaped the worst pain of all. It just didn't feel right.46

Eventually Corrie cried herself to sleep, worn out completely.47

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She walked into Dr. Morris's practice beside Logan the next afternoon. It felt strange, he hadn't been in with her since about three years ago. She flashed a weak, timid smile at the secretary as they walked past her, having been told to go straight in.49

Hopefully everything but nothing would be wrong.50

She sat staring numbly at the floor. Surely the results were wrong, they had to be, they couldn't be right. Corrie wanted to glance across at Logan but wasn't quite able to move her gaze upwards. She had the feeling the doctor was talking but she couldn't hear anything, only the screaming protest of her mind.51

She was pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. She repeated the word over in her mind, trying to believe it. And she did. For some strange reason she did. She didn't deserve to be having a baby. All of her friends would never get the chance to have children and now she was. For the first time in a long time she had to suppress happiness.52

A baby, a baby of her own. A baby who would get the chance to live out a full life, a life Thomas, Janie, Liliana, Michael and Sara would never have. She'd have this baby for them.53

Her mind still wasn't functioning right when she and Logan got up to leave, he had to thank Dr. Morris and say goodbye for them both, then help her into her coat. 54

They left the building together, his arm around her, her hand already settled on her stomach, it was so flat she could barely believe there was a baby inside. But she knew there was. And somehow, somehow she knew now it would all be okay. Everything would be okay, after all, now she had something to live for.