Jimmy Blonde

Jimmy Blonde entered the room, rolling on his shoulder and landing with his gun facing a little askew. 1

"Ow, ow, ow," he said as he landed. "Shoulder cramp!"2

Seeing nobody in the dimly lit hallway, he crept forward as stealthily as he could, which was pretty hard, really, considering that he had just walked through the room of booby traps that stuck squeaky toys to your shoes. This villain's house was rather eccentric.3

The hallway led to a giant ice cream parlor. Jimmy gasped, looking at the room in horror.4

"It can't be..." he said under his breath.5

"But no, it is!" said a sleezy voice from behind him. With a loud squeak of his shoes, Jimmy spun around and found Genoward, the evil millionaire who lived in this mansion, walking forward with his little chinchilla Rudberg under one arm. 6

"Gerroward! What is the meaning of this?" Jimmy cried, motioning to the horrific room behind him.7

"Err. Actually, it's Genoward," the old man said, flexing his awesome-looking eyepatch.8

"Fine! Genowarp--"9

"Nope."10

"Geluga--"11

"Wrong again."12

"Jar jar bin--"13

"Wrong show."14

Jimmy flustered angrily. "Mr. Villain sir!"15

Genoward looked up, his eyebrows bristling. "Yes? What do you want? What are you doing in my house?"16

"Are you going to explain why there is a dairy processing contraption in this room?!" Jimmy demanded, waving his gun around.17

"With this delicious ice cream," Genoward purred, stroking his chinchilla, "I will soon create my own ice cream company, and I will sell my ice cream so cheap that one day, I shall make Dreyer's and Ben and Jerry's go out of business! HA HA HA!"18

"Not Ben and Jerry's!!" Jimmy roared and lifted up his gun to end this madness.19

"Not so fast!" a high voice called from the other side of the room. In strolled a beautiful woman, clad in overly revealing red leather and brandishing a giant ice cream cone. 20

"Who are you?" Jimmy gasped, taking in her sudden beauty.21

"I," she cried, "Am Vantita Jarlsburg!"22

"I find you immensely attractive," said Jimmy.23

"And I, you," she said, and they embraced.24

"Wow, that was fast," Genoward said, blinking.25

"No kidding," said his chinchilla.26

"You know, this sudden display of love has melted my heart," the evil old man said. "Perhaps I will just be the awesome old guy that everyone is terrified of giving children ice cream on the street."27

"I'm afraid that will never work!" Jimmy yelled, swinging his gun around carelessly. "Since this is a James Bond parody, everything has to explode! Now run! While the camera was on you, I had time to hook up twenty giant bombs that will explode in ten seconds!"28

"Wait... what?" Genoward said.29

But he ran out the door anyway, along with Jimmy and Vantita. As soon as they were far enough away not to be blown up and to go into a cool dive, the bombs blew, throwing flaming shrapnel everywhere.30

"Wow, that was awesome," Genoward said.31

"Agreed," Vantita said.32

"I want ice cream..." Jimmy said.33

FIN