Rabbit Pellet Texas

Howdy, folks, and welcome to Rabbit Pellet, Texas. My name is Robert R. Hinshaw, but most folks ‘round here either call me “Bubba” or “Bob Bob”, ‘cause my middle name is Robert as well. There ain’t no reason I’m gonna tell you about Rabbit Pellet, ‘cepting I guess it’s my job and all that, seeing as how I am the President of the Chamber of Commerce of our fair city. Having said that, “here we go”, in the words of one of those famous video game plumbers. Ah sure hopes that I does a good job.1

Rabbit Pellet is a bustling’ city of near 3,248 people, iffen you don’t count the 102 good souls resting in our cemetery. We are the county seat of Rabbit Pellet County in far west Texas, population 5,122, iffen you don’t count those a-resting in the desert who ain’t been buried yet. Our main industry is chicken farmin’, and uh, well chicken farmin’. And, oh yeah, there’s an above ground oil pipeline that runs through the whole dang County as well, iffen that counts as an industry.2

Rabbit Pellet is a bona-fide tourist Mecca as well, boasting three full service motels all on what we like to call the “main drag” through town, route 666. Among them are [well, all of them] the Motel 6, the Kiwi Flamingo, and Rosie’s Karaoke Trailer Park & Café. Rosie’s features both a family section and a singles section. The family section has a pool, which can be swam in when it rains hard; while the singles section comes with a man or a woman with each trailer, depending on your preference of course.3

If you choose not to eat at Rosie’s Café, we have a Dairy Queen and a Popeye’s Chicken place additionally, although it is beyond me why anybody wouldn’t eat at Rosie’s, being as she has rabbit fixed 96 different ways plus some of the best home brew ever made. If all of that ain’t good enough for ya, Fred, down at Fred’s Get-it-and-Go, has cold cut sandwiches, lottery tickets, chips and dips, and fishin’ supplies. Oh, and oh yeah, you can arrange bail bonds there as well. And buy commercial beer [phooey!]. 4

Those wishing to shop in our fine city will find plenty of oppurtunites. Rabbit Pellet boasts a Hargroves Department store, where “everything for the body and house trailer” is available, a Duke&Duke five-and-dime shop, where ya’ll can get your tourist trinkets, Hoffman’s Grocery and Butcher Shoppe [Charley Hoffman’s spellin’, not ours], their motto bein’ “we slices’em AND we ices’em”. We also have three lingerie shops, all credit cards accepted, a blacksmith shop that is easily recognizable by all the Harley’s parked out front, a gas station [important to know in this part of the country] that still has kerosene on hand, and fourteen bars scattered up and down the drag, again, all credit cards acceptable.5

Those a-lookin’ fer beautification of the soul will find a church located somewhere way out the drag, I ferget where exactly. The Reverend Cross will pass the plate afore you enter the door, so don’t ferget to have some pocket change on you. The way he puts it is, “no dole, no soul”, whatever that means.6

There is always something fun going on in Rabbit Pellet, there is no need to sit in your room on your hands, iffen you know what I mean. Every night of the week there is an elegunt bikini show at one or t'other of the bars, sometimes two. Friday through Saturday weekly you can watch or partisipate in the big domino tournament at the Double 5 Club, on Sunday afore 12 you have to BYOB, after 12, hell, anything goes. Every other Tuesday is the 9 ball tournament at Club Le Que, watch out there, you have to have a fifty-cent entry fee. Friday nights is "Ladies Night" at all the local bars, where all them "ladies" get to drink fer free, and you know how them women are once't they get drunk, hee-hee. Semi-annual and annual events include the Spring [March] and Fall [October] fishin' tournaments, held at beautiful Lake Buzzard, located just 15 miles from downtown Rabbit Pellet, the Rabbit Pellet Open, a golf tournament contested in late January at the swank Rabbit Pellet Golf and Country Club just a mile or two away from Lake Buzzard, on the Clubs champeenship six hole golf course. Rumor has it that the tournament is going to become a regular stop on the PGA tour, and may host a US of A Open afore long. But the biggest event of all, of course, is the annual [late November] Sadie Hawkins Day cellerbration and dance. Last year, ole Jeb Myers lost his life, excuse me, I mean freedom, when the Mayor's eldest daughter, Esmerelda, caught and hog-tied him and a-drug him back to the finish line. The wedding was held right then and there, with the Mayor's family [and shotgun] in attendance, along with a little better'n half the town. Following was the dance and other festivities, and a goodly time was had by all, with only three people a-gettin' themselves shot, and only two of those died, these figures being down somewhat from previous years.7

Here are some facts and figures you might want to know about Rabbit Pellet. Rabbit Pellet is a sunny place! Our average annual rainfall is only 3.2 inches, with an average day-time temp of 114 degrees. But keep in mind that at night it gets down to 38 degrees, and there you have it, a perfect balance fer perfect weather. 8

We are tough on crime! So much as stealing one measly chicken can get you life in the pen at hard labor, stealing two often nets the death penalty, or worse. Taking up with someone else's wife or gurl-friend can get you 15 to 30, iffen you don't get kilt by the husband/boyfriend. Speaking of killing, murder of five or less might get you five years, with a year's community service tacked on to it. Community service around here usually means having to change the bed sheets at Rosie's trailer park everyday, and brother, you don't wanna have to do that! Killing more than five will often bring about a 7 year sentence, also with the aforementioned community service attached. By the by, iffen you can prove that the murders was caused by the individuals messing around with yore "significant others", they are ruled justifiable by the law, and you go free. The Judge will usually ask Rosie what happened in your circumstance, she knows everything that happens in the city, like the time I pissed my pants that one time I did go to church, but that's none of yore beeswax, y'hear? Anyways, just keep in mind that around here, the punishment fits the crime, so act accordingly while you are visiting our fair city. 9

We have all the big city amenities, such as weekly trash pick-up, and, er, well...weekly trash pick-up! In addition, our tap water comes directly from beautiful Lake Buzzard and is pure as the driven snow, though a tad warmer than that. Surfice to say that, iffen you move here, you won't need no confangled water-heater. The windmills around town supply plenty of electricity, and if you're in need of some natural gas [why do they call it that?], all you have to do is go out to the pipeline and knock a hole in it and affix your hose. It burns pretty good most of the year, 'cept when those dang A-rabs start acting up.10

Well, I reckon that's about all ya'll need to know 'bout Rabbit Pellet fer now. Don't miss a chance to visit us iffen you get to do so, you'll have no regrets. Maybe I'll take ya'll out on my schooner [ten-footer!] on Lake Buzzard, iffen ya'll act right and buy the beer and don't mind if Rosie comes along.11

When you get here, just ask for Bob Bob, ok?12