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Kenji the Avenger2
Chapter 13
The Journey Begins4
Kenji held a bamboo sword(wooden sword) gripped with both hands. Kenji was in a dogo.Kenji is 14 years old and his opponent is the same age.His opponent stood in front of him holding a bamboo sword.Teens were sitting cross-legged on the floor and a old man with a white beard sat on a pillow.The old man wore a black kimono and the kids wore white kimono's.Kenji's black hair went straing back without a rubberband.His opponent,who's name is Kiza,his hair was brown.He had long brown hair.Some hair fell over his eyes.5
"Begin Kenji and Kiza!"the old man shouted.Kenji ran at Kiza."So quick to rush in as always Kenji,"kiza said.Kenji swong wildly to his left.Kiza ducked and swong the sword straight in Kenji's stomach.Kenji cried out in pain."I'm not done,"Kenji smiled.Kenji smacked the sword away from his stomach,and swong downward with his sword at Kiza.Kiza jumped back and Kenji missed.6
Kenji smiled."What is he thinking,"Kiza thought.Kenji ran at Kiza with his sword dragging on the floor.When Kenji was near Kiza,Kenji raised his sword up high."Take this!"Kenji shouted.Kenji swong down at the ground with his sword."What!?"Kiza shouted.The old man stood in shock.Kenji had jumped into the air right when his sword touched the floor.Kenji landed behind Kiza.Before Kiza could react,Kenji sweep kicked Kiza .Kiza fell to the floor.Kenji pointed the sword at Kiza's neck.7
"He used the sword to push off the ground.At that moment Kenji's opponent Kiza dropped his guard and Kenji took advantage.A good move Kenji,"the old man thought."The math goes to Kenji!"he shouted.Kenji smiled and bowed at the old man.Kiza was mad.He stood up and left the room."What a poor loser,"Kenji said.Kenji raised his sword."Who's next!?"Kenji yelled.All the kids stood up and ran at Kenji yelling me!Kenji turned around and ran."One at a time!"Kenji yelled.Kenji was laughing.8
Later that night.........It was raining outside,a thunderstorm.Kenji layed in his bed.Kenji was sleeping.Kenji's dream..........."Mom I'm heading to school,"Kenji shouted."Okay,"She yelled back.Kenji's mom had long black hair and wore a blue kimono.School went by as usual.Kenji studied sword techniques and practiced with a bamboo sword.Kenji was in the dogo practicing with the other kids until a man came in."I need Kenji,"he said.The man had spikey black hair and wore a black t-shirt and blue pants.Kenji followed the man outside.9
"Is something wrong?"Kenji asked."Your mother is dead.She was attacked by someone,"the man said with a sad expression on his face."Can't be.Can't be,"Kenji muttered,a shocked expression on his face.Kenji started running to his house."Kenji!"he yelled.When Kenji arrived at his house,cops were there.The cops wore blue uniforms and had swords strapped to thier waist.People crowded the area.Kenji pushed his way through the crowd.Two policeman came out the house with Kenji's mom on a stretcher."Mom!"Kenji shouted.Kenji ran over to the stretcher."Get back kid,"the officer holding the stretcher said.10
Suddenly Kenji's mom opened her eyes."She's alive,"the officer muttered."Kenji run.He's still in the crowd,the killer,"Kenji's mom said in a weak voice.She closed her eyes.Kenji had a terrified expression on his face.Kenji looked around in the crowd.Kenji spotted a man in a black kimono.He had a sword on his waist.He had long black hair.Some hair fell over his eyes.He had a cold look in his eyes.He stared right at Kenji.Kenji pushed his way through the crowd and started running.Kenji ran into a forest.Kenji ran until the same man from the crowd came out from behind a tree.The man had a smirk on his face.Kenji held his bamboo sword in front of him.Tears came out his eyes.Kenji had a angry expression on his face.11
The man drew his sword slowly.Blood was on the man's sword Kenji noticed."My mother's blood.You monster!"Kenji yelled."Your next.There's no escape but death,"he said.Kenji trembled.......The thunder suddenly woke Kenji up.Kenji sat up.Kenji was breathing heavy.Kenji looked across the room at his backpack and his bamboo sword.Moments later.......Kenji was at the village gate.Kenji had his bookbag on his back and his bamboo sword strapped to his waist by a sash."I can't go on living knowing he's still out there.I'll kill him no matter the cost,"Kenji muttered.Kiza stood in the shadows and watched Kenji leave.12
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A contest entry
- Stories Please by Violet Moodswing.
600 points, ended June 16, 2008, 33 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Smile (Will Comment on Every Entry) by moonwriter.
450 points, ended June 14, 2008, 32 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think of the story?Comment on it
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Alright, I thought I was going to be able to do this whole quick comment thing, but alas, I cannot.
Writing in complete simple sentences can have its purposes. It can be used to accelerate the action in any given scene, or emphasize specific chosen facts in order to shine a spotlight on whatever it is you'd like the reader to focus on.
However, you must be careful to also incorporate compound and complex sentences as well. Even if you only use compound and simple sentences, choosing to stay away from complex all together, the compound will go a long way to smoothing out the transitions in your story. This will make it easier to read and more appealing to the eyes of your reader.
I like the title. It's very intriguing.
Now, paragraphs:
When you want to switch paragraphs, ask yourself a simple question: "Am I changing topics?"
The rule you are taught in elementry english class, when you're first learning how to construct a sentence - "three to five sentences in each paragraph!" (I imagine my angry third grade tearcher standing over me with a ruler, shaking said ruler in my face as I construct marvelous works of fiction literature all the while breaking her precious rules.)- does not have to be followed in actual writing.
The beauty of fictional writing, or really any writing that isn't for school or a journal, is that you can make your own rules while breaking everyone else's. Certain rules should be taken into consideration (like I said about the sentences) because it will make your work easier for others to understand, but you mustn't treat anything like concrete. The world of writing is not black and white as some would have you believe, but comprised of various shades of gray vocabulary and psychedelic concepts that, in reality, frighten those who cannot themselves create such masterful worlds from their insipid imaginations.
But I digress. When changing paragraphs, merely consider if the topic of your previous paragraph is different than the topic of this new one. In similar spirit, consider whether or not the paragraph at hand houses more than one subject. If so, you should split that one into two.
Quotes, or any thing that's spoken outloud, should be its own paragraph. You can include thoughts from the same character, or descriptions of the delivery of the speech in the same paragraph, and, if fact, you should. This is a way for you to provide description for the reader's imagination without slowing anything down.
Now, I'm going to go back and read further than the first two paragraphs so I can give you props on your plot and character development. I'm doing this seperately. Otherwise, this comment would be even more monstrously long that it is currently.
Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. If there's anything I've said that you don't understand, feel free to ask me to explain myself more clearly.
-Saej. -
Fair
It started out slowly and started to build on and the dialog is fine and I guess I have to read more of it to give a complete comment on this. Maybe you ought to have the mother kill first and overall but it is your story and you will write the way you want it to be.beginning: 2, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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The story is good. It is choppy though. You should stop making statements and simply write. Instead of listing things, like Kenji this and Kenji that, just say, Kenji and go from there. The plot is good, you just need to work on presenting it in a more flowing manner.
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This is a good idea, a good story. I do however have some advice if you want to make it better/easier to read.
-Seperate what people say so that it doesn't all run together.
"Kenji said"
"Kiza said"
"Kenji said"-
-Don't state things so much.
Kenji layed in his bed.Kenji was sleeping.Kenji's dream...
try more in the lines of: That night Kenji lay in his bed dreaming about the day his mother was killed. Something in that line if you state things it makes them sound forced.-
-You don't need so many dots in the dream section three works just fine-
-Watch your spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Try a spell/grammar checker or get someone to check it for you.-
-Try using less short choppy senteces for example:
He had a sword on his waist.He had long black hair.Some hair fell over his eyes.He had a cold look in his eyes.
Could be: The man had a large 'some general descriptive word -samari...-' sword strapped to his waist. His cold 'color' eyes were watching him through strands of long black hair. (could be better but for example sake.)-
Besides those minor problems this was a wonderful story. You do fighting scenes wonderfully and your diolog sounds very realistic. I wish I could have writen like that at 13. You have great potental with this story. You really do.
Good look on continuing this.
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You have something. The action, dialogue, it's perfect. But you could refine it a bit. Thanks.
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nicly done, some parts were a bit choppy but thats okay. i got the picture of the story pretty well. good job :]
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This wasn't really uplifting, but it was interesting. I really wanted something that would make me smile, grin, laugh, etc.
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Thanks for your entry into my contest. You have a very good action adventure going here. I quite enjoyed it. Leaves me wondering what will happen next
Best of luck in the contest. -
Good, but could be better.
This story looks like it's going somewhere great - but it'd be a lot easier to follow if you proofread it after you finish writing. I found the plot interesting and good to follow, but it was just hard to read because of your grammar.
I really hate to sound like an english teacher but, when starting off new speech ("like this," said Sailor Moon,) you need to write it on a new line instead of bunching a lot of different people's thoughts and spoken lines into one confusing paragraph.
Oh - and by the way - when you said "math" in paragraph 8, I think you meant "match".
Other than a bit of editing, I think this story is great! Try not to take my critisism to heart - I really like where this is heading!
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Its good. The descriptions were wonderful and the emotions displayed well. Keep it up. Let me know if there is going to be more I would love to read it.
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