((Option One!!!!!!!))1
My eyes fluttered open, or at least it felt like they did. It was still dark, so there was no way to be sure. 2
It was always dark outside. Two weeks hadn’t been long enough for a man to get used to it, not when one is used to three scarlet suns dominating all of his waking hours. My ears adjusted and I picked up a soft trickling sound from above. Was it still raining?3
Yes, it was. It was never a heavy, stormy, rain; just a soft steady drizzle. It added to the monotony of the place, really. No wind, no thunder. Just a steady rain that left puddles on the paved roads.
I slipped out of my bed, a bit shocked at the sudden coldness from the cement floor on my bare feet. I made it to the window and pushed the blue-grey curtain aside to gaze down three stories onto the street. 4
It was impossible to discern what time it was just by looking. Sure, the street lights were on and stars littered the blue sky, but for all I knew it could be midday.5
Time had no real meaning here because there was no natural way to measure it. This planet had no day or night, no sunrises or sunsets. It was always twilight. Always on the border of a sunrise or a sunset but never actually getting there. Two hundred and ninety million miles away there was a small blue star, barely holding the planet afloat in the dark vastness of space. That star cast an eerie glow on the half of the planet that was lucky enough to get the faint light, as opposed to the other half that was eternally shadowed in terminal darkness.6
The planet was quiet, dark and secretive. Exactly like the clusters of people that inhabited it. Even the name of the world, Noeire, was an unnerving whisper of a word.
I couldn’t look at those seemingly empty streets any longer and I let the curtains fall in front of my line of vision again. Whatever time it was, I was no longer fatigued, so there was no point in crawling back under borrowed sheets. 7
I grabbed my luggage, a simple enough briefcase, and proceeded to the washroom. A flip of the light-switch and the room was filled with that unnatural buzzing that comes with cheap fluorescent lighting. I was greeted by the visage of a slender, naked man, his vermilion eyes staring back at mine with apathy in the reflective glass. The mirror was very clean. Odd, considering the rest of hotel room seemed to have a layer of invisible filth coating it. 8
Despite my aversion to clothing while sleeping, I wasn’t really chilled. One would think a planet shrouded in twilight would be a frozen wasteland, but that wasn’t the case. I don’t think the temperature has varied ten degrees since I’ve been here. 9
I ignored the movement of my reflection and proceeded to methodically get dressed. I got as far as a pair of black dress pants before a voice interrupted me.10
“Mister Jones.”
I heard it, but it didn’t register at first.11
“Mister Eyre Jones…?” The pleasant sound of the woman’s voice called to me again, and I walked across the floor toward the summons. 12
“I’m here…” I answered as I grabbed the watch-like communicator from the otherwise bare nightstand beside the bed.
Her voice continued to address me through the timepiece.13
“Are you alone, Mister Jones?” She asks, her sweet tambre sending shivers down my spine. Jesus, the pleasantry there was so fake; mechanical, even. 14
“Yes, of course,” I answered in a hushed voice. Granted, she had a good reason to ask that question. I’ve been known to attract some...guests...on my ‘business’ trips, on occasion. They’re an odd array of people, really, from varying cross-sections of already extremely varied societies.15
But really, who's to decide who the freaks of the world are, least of all, me…an orphaned Altusian man with cerulean skin and vermilion eyes? Who’s to say I shouldn’t be sharing my motel room with a four-armed scarlet seductress or a darkly handsome bar-fly? Such triviality hardly matters when there is such a variance of life in the universe and you’re man who travels through different star systems on a weekly basis. 16
I’ve seen things in my short life that would, in some way or other, shock and offend most people in more acceptable careers and cultures. Doctors and lawyers might view some of the characters I’ve met as freak lepers with fangs, but the reality I’ve found is the boundaries that we draw between species, race, gender and occupation are like screams in the vacuum of space: Useless, unimportant and ultimately obsolete.17
To me, the freaks are the norm. And for Noeire, the sentiment is doubled.18
“Leon would like to speak with you.”
My employer, Leon, is an outstanding and glorious exception to that rule of thumb. He’s completely human. In a world of freaks, normality is the true eye sore. But even he isn’t as average as he seems. He is a business man. And as his employee, his business is my business. 19
“Of course…” I answered dully, walking back to my window and putting the earpiece to the device in. Leon would not be pleased with the idea of someone tuning in on our personal conversations. Soon, I recognize the cool voice of the man I’m so obliged to work for.20
“…Eyre-Mister Jones..” He said slowly. “How is my Secretary doing?” He asked. Secretary, indeed. It’s true that I made the coffee when I wasn’t traveling, but we both knew I was more than his personal assistant or office boy. I was a business man, insurance collector, investigator… I’d even go so far to say that I was his body guard, his hit man and his agent. 21
“…It’s going good. I think you were right. There is something happening here…” I sighed.22
“Yes… But you don’t know what it is, do you Mister Jones…?”23
He had me there. Noeire was a cesspool for crime. The dark atmosphere of its galactic placement is reflected in the inhabitants. There’s no better place for smuggling the entire array of drugs, weapons, ships, property and even people for profit. There’s no seedier place known. The sparse law enforcement that bothers with the area are more corrupt that the crooks that hide in the shadows. 24
It was really the perfect place for me to check out the competition.25
“Not a clue, Sir. “ I admitted. “… My leads have been false ends. Can you throw me a bone?”26
I could picture the blonde man smiling on the other end of my device. 27
“Always, pet.” He muttered. “…The club two streets over I believe it’s called ‘Gatsby’…Talk to the bartender there. He’s an old friend that owes me. You won’t need to drop my name to him.” 28
“..And how will I know him?” I asked, deciding to pull on
my shirt and tie while we conversed.29
“…Oh, you’ll know him. He’s only got the one eye. He wears an eye patch with a cross over the dead one. Speaking of, wear your eyes, won’t you? Yours are a bit… distinct for club work.” 30
I nodded and voiced a reply. 31
“Yes sir. I’ll update you later this …” I still wasn’t sure of the time. “I’ll update later.” I mumbled before closing the connection. I straightened my tie and grabbed my ‘eyes’, a pair of dark sunglasses, and put them into my pocket before heading down the stairs.
Author notes
Written for a contest, inspired by Bob Dylans "Ballad of a Thin Man."
A contest entry
- Questioning the music. by Noisome..
200 points, ended June 23, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Fun Stuff by sugarrrainbow.
190 points, ended June 13, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Superawesomewonderfuluberspiffyness (Name supplied by Trisarahtops. XD) by Sousuke.
225 points, ended June 22, 2008, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I can has reviews?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Interesting storyline. Can't wait to read more of this story!
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Unique, indeed
This piece is surprisingly captivating... My taste usually doesn't include sci-fi, but in this case, I may have to read the next. It has a somewhat humorous air to it while explaining a situation with a bit of mystery, as we don't quite know what exactly this... agent's, shall we say, mission is. It's actually very well written - a colorful display of vocabulary and a unique style of writing that I believe even after reading only one work can be attributed to you.
Only one small grammatical error, that I saw, paragraph 24 -
The sparse law enforcement that bothers with the area are more corrupt that the crooks that hide in the shadows.
I suppose you mean "more corrupt than the..." and etc.?
One more thing that just has me wondering - I'm not sure whether I am pronouncing Noeire correctly or not, how should it be pronounced?
Overall, a good piece. I enjoyed it, which was a surprise for me with this genre, and a plus for you.
Peace.
{that's.what.they.say}
Cassy
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Interesting.
However, it's missing something. I'm not sure what but if I read this part, I wouldn't be enticed to read more. Draw me in, tell me more, make me want to read part two.
I see you use two tenses, past and present. Pick one and stick to it. In past tense, nothing ever is, it was; which is a reason why I prefer present tense.
There are some sentences that can be rearranged so that they can help the story flow better. There are a number of dead words in this part. Reread your writing. Sometimes you - the writer - become enamored with the way you write, the way a sentence may sound. I have fallen victim to it as well. But too many descriptive words, or just words that don't really fit, hurt the flow of the story. You can say the same thing, with fewer words.
Explain: "How is my secretary doing" to "...it is going good." ?
He can ask, "Any progress?" to "...some. it seems you were right..."
Some of the dialogue sounds a little weird - and I'm sure mine does as well
As for the story, as I said, it's interesting. Show me more -
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Oh! And some of the stuff is kinda weird because the story was based on a song. So, that's also why there are some different bits and odd dialogue.
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wow
wow! so original. i neva read a story even similar to this before. Very interesting lol i wanna read more. so hit me bak wen u write part 2!
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Wow I loved this! I'm definitely going to read more when I get the time! The descriptions were great and I saw everything perfectly in my mind. Thanks for entering and good luck!
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Glad you like.. I wrote a part two, yesterday.. not sure if you'd be interested but there is a 2nd part ^^
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Very intriguing, I hope there's more!
I like the way you word things, so good job and good luck in the contest!
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Yesh, there is more. I posted the second part yesterday.. Thank you sooo much for the compliments love.
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Yo, third time's the charm. This just gets better every time...
I love that the naked man is him..clever..clever.. ;D -
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Yay for nekkid blue aliens. =3. I also tried to referance the 'eyes in pocket' sort of thing, and the one-eyed midget... ect.
But I think this edit has more 'serial' flavor to it. I think um.. there's more story there.
I wrote it at work. I'm cheeky and bad.
And, still at work.. XD
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Eep. Upon rereading..You use of whose is mixed up. It should, in fact, be who's.
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This was such an intriguing take! Another planet.. Bob Dylan.. I can see it! There were so many ways I thought you might go with this song, and this was not one of them. Brilliant ending, love the use of the chorus. I don't know either, Mr. Jones. Personally, I'd like to know what's happening. ;]
Grammar.. Par. 6 No need for a comma after quite. That's all I found.
Majorly good. This was a difficult song, but you took it to another world! (Literally..) Great read. =] Good luck!
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Whoops! That comma was correct, I just typed 'quite' instead of 'quiet' Angd you, dyslexia!
^^...
I might seriously edit this later, because I think I left some stuff out.. but I'm on flu medication right now.. so.. um.. I'm sorta imcompetent. Anyway. .
Thank yoooouuuu! You're so nice to me always... *sniffs* -
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Yo, You should have told me more was coming BEFORE I applauded it! I can't applaud again. >.< And I'm so sorry you're sick! *Gives you some soup?* I really liked this. I thought Ballad of a Thin Man would be hard, but you were like..*POOF.* And you *POOF*-ed a story..while on meds..Sheesh. You are amazing! And I'm not that nice. ^^
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I'm loving the pirate theme, I must say. I, myself, am a pirate. But on to business!
For you... we have two choices. I will give you ONE of your requested artist, and one of a personal choice, similar style, and see if you're up for a challenge!
Ballad of a Thin Man - Bob Dylan ( http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZFYlhw3g4P8 )
-or-
Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty ( http://youtube.com/watch?v=lxkzZcj4Vac )
Both of these may be slightly challenging, but go for it. Show me whatcha got! -
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Sweet nectar!
I've already got an idea for Ballad of a Thin Man.
Ohhh.. Man. Maybe even TWO ideas.
That actually fits somewhat well with a story I'm writing right now.. well, at least the character's last name is Jones. =p...
Arg! So many directions. Over inspiration
The curse of Bob Dylan.
I might right a Bright Lights blurb and mush it in somewhere to appease you ^^ -
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I had a hard time choosing a Dylan song..there's so many things you can do with them all! I look forward to it! And you don't have to use both. Just giving you options =]
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I ish sooo almost done with this XD
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Yo, I am so excited. (=
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There!
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