Lupin Mountain (prelude) Version 2

The world was fragmenting, vibrations of a crushed dream echoed through the distant valley, a intense full moon glimmered through the fractures in the tree branches, and worst of all, measureless screams and howls made their way from the desecrated village.1

Rivers ran with the thick shade of crimson, staining all the rocks and river banks with the silent remains of human flesh, bones sprinkled the infertile wilderness, and high atop a crag on a mountain, a silhouette emerged, breathing deeply, gasping and drooling, reeking a smell so appalling a man could smell it earlier than seeing it, the aroma of death and decay, blood and guts, surrounded the being.2

Their was nothing natural about this creature, a shadow amongst men, a tainted sprit forced into a cavernous murdering binge for food, fuelled with a blood lust so strong a man of the "so called Christian God" could not turn away, the grotesque creature gazed at the residue of what was left of the area which was once so memorable, so welcoming, a place it called home, but all it could see, was flames, death and destruction.3

Feeling its own vigour draining, the creature knew that its crimes were being punished, karma was taking affect, the creature knew without having to check that during all the massacre it had somehow been stabbed with one of the farmers blades, knowing that its fate was here to claim its soul, it stared up at the sky, high above, the moon called to it as a beacon, a glowing crystal radiating in the sky, where the mother goddess laid looking down on its people. 4

Wondering why it was put through so much pain and agony, the creature bellowed out to its god, a call so loud that all around went quiet, as if the world stopped moving to hear the tortured scream of a shattered creature, all its energy and passion was put into leaving its final howl in the world, a howl that represented its frustration at its primal energy, as it stopped, all around him was quiet, as if a curse was lifted from him, he collapsed on the high crag that it stood, its breathing rate reducing, and the world, the stars and the moon all stared quietly as the wolf-man died in its own blood.

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1 - 5 of 5

  • wiccawolf7
    June 17, 2008
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    thanks for one comments

    thanks for your comments i have paragraphed it better


  • Bells Kelly
    June 16, 2008

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    It is one big sentence you need to seperate the sentances, It looks great though and was an interisting read, good work!


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    June 11, 2008

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    This is just one big sentence. I was going to point out where I thought the sentences should break until I started looking through it for at least one period. It's a really good habit to get into.
    ...fragmenting(.) (V)ibrations of a...' '...distant valley(.) (A)n intense...'

    Just stuff like that. But all in all great descriptions. It looked like to me that all five senses were used. Great job.

    Brooke

  • wiccawolf7
    June 9, 2008
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    thanks

    i no what you mean, i personally dont like big paragraphs either but decided to go for a big single one for the prelude


  • Nocturne Moderators member
    June 9, 2008

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    The lack of formatting (paragraphs) made this slightly more difficult to read through than it should, mainly because a big block of text is intimidating but once I settled down to reading through the piece, I found that I enjoyed it. It had some very nice description and the narration was strong and focused, with a great last scene - even if it is a death/tragedy.

    I'm glad I had a chance to read this. Good luck writing this series!

    Nocturne

1 - 5 of 5