Arthur's Bad Day

The frog adjusted its glasses and wondered silently how it was going to use the pen that lay before it on the yellow scroll that lay next to the pen. After a long moment of looking back and forth between the two, it finally looked at the person lying on the couch next to the chair it sat on.11

"You know thats curious." The man on the couch said. "I didn't know frogs could look incredulous."22

"Ribbit." Was all the frog offered.33

"Well now you can't be angry at me. I warned you this might happened. " The man sighed, sitting up and putting his head in his hands, leaning on his knees. "I really don't understand."44

"Ribbit." The frog noised sympathetically.55

"I mean, my mother always said I was special, but I figured she meant in a 'You're my only son.' special, not a 'I'm a witch and never told you.' special." He groaned. "And what with the new witching laws, I'm probably breaking all sorts of ordnances and whatnot."66

"Ribbit." The frog groaned.77

"Don't get emotional about it." The man said, standing and picking the frog up. "I'm sure you'll turn back eventually. I just... don't know when."88

"Ribbit!" The frog cried.99

"Another new one, I didn't know frogs could look angry." He said, shrugging and putting the animal back on the chair. "Well Doctor, thank you for trying, but I honestly don't think this is a deep seeded psychosis or anything of the sort. I'll be back next week for my normal session." 1010

"Ribbit." The frog sighed.1111

The man grabbed his jacket on the way out and stopped by the receptionist's desk to write out a check for the session, signing "Arthur P. Fenswique" and walking out to his car. As he was putting his key into the ignition there was a quiet "pop" sound and suddenly a red Saturn Clydesdale was neighing impatiently.1212

"Thats outstanding, I don't even know how to ride a horse." Arthur moaned, struggling to get into the saddle. When he had finally gotten into the seat he kicked its sides, like he had seen in the movies, and it began a gentle trot. He was halfway down the highway home when the flashing lights appeared, pulling him over. The policeman, a dwarf by the height, got out of his car and grunted over to where Arthur sat atop the horse.1313

"Are you aware you were going four in a sixty-five zone?" The dwarf asked.1414

"Is that illegal?" Arthur asked, hopeful.1515

"Yes." The dwarf spat. "License and registration."1616

For a moment Arthur panicked, and than looked into the saddle bags that the horse wore, finding the paper in question, and pulled out his wallet. The dwarf took both and wrote out the ticket, handing it off to Arthur. With a sigh he kicked the horses sides again, and before the night had fallen he was at his home.1717

Work the next day wasn't much better. That morning he awoke to find that the Clydesdale had become a Labrador, and had to take the bus. And due to the overcrowding and sudden transformation of the gnome driving the bus into a bowl of cottage cheese, he was much later than he knew he could afford. See, while many people joked that their bosses were trolls, Arthur's really was. And it was no surprise when he got told he was to go and see Mr.Underbridge.1818

Underbridge's office was typical of what you'd expect from a troll. There was a cage with a few captured children, and the desk (which was shaped like a bridge, with the troll sitting underneath it and doing his work on the arch above his head) took up much of the room. Artur sat down in the chair atop the bridge.1919

"You're late, Fenswique." Underbridge rumbled.2020

"Fenswique." Arthur corrected.2121

"Whats the bloody difference?" His boss grumbled.2222

"The "i" is silent." Arthur meekly said.2323

"Ah. Well, Fenswique..."2424

"Fenswique." Arthur offered again.2525

"You're one more word away from joining the children." Underbridge roared.2626

"Yessir." Arthur sighed, sinking down in his chair.2727

"You were late again this morning."2828

"Ah yes sir, you see my car, or horse rather, was a dog this morning, and than the cottage cheese driving the bus crashed us into a bank." Arthur stammered. There was a long pause and than a heavy breath could be heard from beneath the bridge.2929

"I'm going to think for a moment that perhaps the new ogre working in the post office thumped you a bit hard on your way to work, and ask you again what happened that you were late to work." Underbridge said. A long moment passed as Arthur thought hard on it.3030

"Er... overslept sir, and you know alarms these days."3131

"Ah yes! Devil of a thing aren't they? I can never get mine to stop beeping.. and the snooze button really is misleading, not hardly enough time to get a decent nap in is it? Well Fenswique, get to your job, I'll let it go today." Underbridge said, shuffling through his paperwork.3232

"Yes sir, thank you sir." Arthur said, running out of the office and to his cubicle. He had barely gotten into it when his cubicle neighbor and best friend, Eddie, popped his head over the top of it. 3333

"Oy." Eddie grunted. Eddie was an orc. He hadn't always been an orc, no up to yesterday he'd been a normal run of the day human, but than there was that gentle "pop" and suddenly; orc.3434

"Yes Eddie?" Arthur asked, staring at the pile of paperwork in front of him.3535

"Fink yous kin do ennyfin' about dis orc bizzyness?" Eddie asked, the words sounding odd formed around the orc tusks.3636

"Er..." Arthur offered, looking over a requisition form for more pens. "I'm kinda... working on that one."3737

"'Ey, no rush or nuffin, just kinda wishin' I weren't green no more." Eddie said, settling back down into his cubicle. 3838

The day passed as normally as you could hope, Arthur wisely ducked his head when questions started flying about who turned the water cooler into a moist pigeon, and could claim no credit when halfway through the day there came a gentle "pop" and Eddie thanked him for not only turning him back into a human, but shaving a few pounds off as well.3939

Arthur waited patiently for the clock to strike two, and than three, and than rabbit, and than spade, but finally (and no "pop" too soon) he was free to go. Eddie invited him along to the pub, and Arthur happily agreed, needing something to take his mind off the day.4040

They walked into "The Soggied Aardvark", their favorite bar, and took their traditional seats at the bar. Ol' Frump, the bartending protoplasm, set a slimy mug in front of each of them and filled it up with the house special, cheap beer. The two sat drinking, and before either of them knew it they had each had close to ten.4141

"And what I'm saying!" Eddie proclaimed, holding a finger up. "IS that you're special man. You got a gift."4242

"Whats he bubbling about?" Ol' Frump asked.4343

"Eh nothing." Arthur gurbled, waving a hand. There came a slight "pop" and where Ol' Frump the protoplasm had sat was now Ol' Frump the female elf.4444

"Thats nothing!?" Eddie asked.4545

"No, these are definitely something." Ol' Frump said, looking down at it's/her chest.4646

"My bad, Frump, lets get outta here Eddie." Arthur said, standing and grabbing his friend by the collar. There was another "pop" and Ol' Frump the protoplasm was back, looking forlorn at its body.4747

"There, but for a moment." he mourned.4848

Outside of the bar Eddie lit a cigarette and the two stood in the lamplight arguing.4949

"You've got power man, the kind only witches and wizards have, and you're neither!" Eddie said, exhaling a cloud of smoke.5050

"No, I'm thinking my mum was a witch." Arthur said, sitting on the curb. "It would explain all the odd colored bottles in the fridge growing up marked "Do not touch!""5151

Just than, a rough looking ogre walked up, its leather jacket and piercings jingling.5252

"Oy." It roared at the two, with Arthur quickly getting on his feet. "Give me your money."5353

"Why would we?" Eddie asked.5454

"Don't you know nothing? This is a robbery. So hand it over." The ogre explained.5555

"You better be careful!" Eddie warned. "My friend has powers."5656

"Eddie...please..." Arthur begged.5757

"He'll turn you into a newt!" Eddie threatened.5858

"I really can't." Arthur said laughing weakly as the ogre began to crunch its knuckles.5959

"C'mon mate, just try!" Eddie said, ribbing Arthur in the side. "You're in for it now!" He told the ogre. Arthur closed his eyes and knit his brow in concentration, thinking on it as hard as he could until he heard the gentle "pop" and opened his eyes triumphantly.6060

"Good try mate." Eddie the smoking duck said. Arthur looked up in time to catch the ogre's fist in his nose.6161

He woke up some time later in a very comfortable hospital bed. With a sigh he looked around, wondering why there were bars in a hospital.6262

"Yeah, you were in a cot." The person on the other side of the bars explained. "But than there was a pop and here you are, hospital bed."6363

"Er... why am I in jail?" Arthur asked, sitting up and immediately regretting it. His head throbbed and felt like it would split into a million pieces, but he was used to that having been drinking Frump's ale for so long, it was his nose that was killing him.6464

"Illegal use of transmogrifying magic." The woman explained. Arthur's sight focused and he could see that the woman on the other side of the bars was quite beautiful, with short brown hair that seemed to perfectly accent her glasses. "And also, failure to register a pet." She said, pulling on a leash to reveal a red Labrador.6565

"Thats my car, if you believe it, and I actually do have a registration..." Arthur sighed standing up.6666

"I tried to feed it, but it doesn't like kibble." She said, scratching behind the dog's ears.6767

"Try unleaded." Arthur suggested.6868

"Arthur P. Fenswique." She said, reading off his license.6969

"Fenswique." He corrected. She looked up and arched an eyebrow.7070

"The 'i' is silent." He explained.7171

"Care to explain your magic use?" She asked, sitting down with pen and paper.7272

"I can't." Arthur admitted. "It just started happening. I don't know why, and I can't remember quite when, but it probably was around when my neighbor's dog started barking and he complained about the pile of leaves his kid was supposed to rake."7373

"And this un-controlled use of magic, does it run in your family?" 7474

"Not that I know of." Arthur said. There came a gentle "pop" sound, and her police uniform was replaced by a very flattering but skimpy two piece bikini. Arthur's face reddened to a deep purple.7575

"This your idea of a joke?" She asked, standing up.7676

"N-no Officer... uh.. Officer..." He stopped for a moment. "I'm sorry I don't know your name. 7777

"Trisha." She said angrily, throwing on a nearby overcoat.7878

"Officer Trisha." He smiled.7979

"Well, Arthur P. Fenswique..." She started, angrily.8080

"Hey, you said it right!" He exclaimed happily.8181

"You have three days to get this under control, I will make constant checks on you and if you are still transmogrifying things by Saturday, than you will have to face charges." She said, opening the cell.8282

"Thank you." Arthur said. "Um... you didn't happen to pick a duck up with me, did you?"8383

"Oh yes, he's out front in the station's pond." Trisha explained. "Any chance I could get my uniform back?" She asked.8484

"If I tried, you'd either end up another species or naked." Arthur admitted. "Thanks again!" He said, running out of the station as fast as he could.8585

"Oy mate!" Eddie the duck greeted him from the pond. "Its amazing, my back, honestly, does not get wet." Arthur sighed, there was a faint "pop" and loud splash and Eddie the human was back.8686

"Well now it does." He said sadly, looking down at himself.8787

"We have to get to work. We are SO late." Arthur moaned.8888

They made it to the office at half past ten, which was over an hour and a half late. Mr. Underbridge called Arthur into his office right away.8989

"Did I not make myself clear yesterday, Fenswique?" He asked.9090

"No sir, perfectly clear sir." Arthur said from atop the bridge.9191

"Are you perhaps thinking that, as a troll, I am of lesser intelligence and can not tell time, Fenswique?" Underbridge rumbled.9292

"No sir, you are as brilliant as you are handsome." Arthur stuttered.9393

"Then maybe, you just DON'T RESPECT ME!" Underbridge roared. And, for the first time since Arthur had been with the company, came out from under the bridge. Arthur had never seen Mr.Underbridge in person, and honestly the sight was a pants-wetting inspiring one. "And I don't LIKE IT, when people DISRESPECT ME!" The troll shouted, its mouth opening and getting ready to eat Arthur whole.9494

There was a gentle "pop" and the sound of a cage breaking, and where the three children had been earlier were now three billy goats gruff, who, after a moment of confusion, stared at the troll triumphantly. With a worried look on his face, Underbridge ducked back under his desk, where the goats quickly followed, and Arthur took the distraction to duck out of the office.9595

He ran past a confused Eddie, offering no explanation as he sprinted down the stairs, pausing only to apologize to the cleaning lady as her broom turned into bubbles when he sneezed as he ran by. He didn't stop running until he was back in the psychiatrist's office, where the frog sat moodily behind its desk, in a bowl of water its receptionist had likely provided.9696

"I need to know whats wrong with me." Arthur pleaded.9797

"Ribbit." Was all the explanation he got.9898

"Does this stem from me? Or is it an outside problem?" He asked.9999

"Ribbit." The frog said.100100

"You think this is an extension of my latent magical powers passed down from my mother who was secretly a witch and is only now surfacing because my subconscious is so displeased with my inability to help myself so its doing what it thinks it needs to do to make me happy?" Arthur ranted.101101

"Ribbit." The frog replied.102102

"Thanks doc, you're a genius!" Arthur said, picking it up and planting a large kiss on its head and than dashing out of the office. There was a faint "pop" and Dr. Orbel was once more himself.103103

"Well look at that." He smiled. "Always knew I was princely..."104104

Arthur thought it all out. If his mind was just trying to make him happy, it was up to him to make him happy, so his mind would stop trying to make him happy and than get him sent to jail which would make him unarguably very unhappy. He sprinted to the police station he had only left a few hours earlier, finding Officer Trisha behind her desk (and still in the bikini he noted).105105

"Can I help you?" She asked, confused.106106

"Go out with me, this Friday." He asked, breathless.107107

"Pardon?" 108108

"Listen, this whole transcombobulation thing is just my subconscious trying to make me happy. So I've got to make me happy. You're beautiful, you look great in a bikini, my deadline is Saturday, go out with me Friday." He asked again. For a long moment she looked at him and than blushed, smiling.109109

"You think I look great in a bikini?" She asked.110110

"Is that a yes?" Arthur asked hopefully, to which she nodded. With a sigh and an exchange of phone numbers he left the station, happy as could be. It was only when he rounded the corner and heard the gentle "pop" that he flinched and immediately began searching around. He heard the "pop" again and rounded a corner only to find a young child blowing bubbled through a plastic wand.111111

With a smile, Arthur P. Fenswique walked back to work, where Mr.Underbridge would no longer bother him, and he could look forward to his date Friday.