A Day in Bigfoot's Shoes

A Day in Bigfoot's Shoes; Sasquatch Comes Clean1

By Justin Hanks2

Plumas National Forest, CA - Bigfoot has finally thrown in the towel. It has been confirmed that this famous legend was found at the front door of a local police station. Locals say that the giant creature went with the law peacefully, and not once caused a scene.3

Four years ago today marks the infamous Bigfoot encounter at Crescent City, California. On this day, a vacationing couple, Bob and Linda Johnson, witnessed the Sasquatch cross in front of their vehicle holding handfuls of seaweed. The couple turned on their headlights in fear, and the big monster punched out their left window. As the car dashed off, Bigfoot ran in the other direction.4

Today, protests and riots are being held around the sheriff's office. Everyone wants to let out their screams and shouts. Some people want him to be let out of the prison cell, and others want him to have a life sentence.5

"He destroyed part of my car and tried to kill me," said Bob. "I bet he turned himself in because of his guilty conscience!"6

Scientists and Officials have been studying the Sasquatch since it's arrival. It has already been confirmed that the creature can speak English and is probably smarter than most humans.7

Sheriff Chuck Thompson is currently in charge of guarding this mythical beast. "It's a frightening experience," he said. "Not because of Bigfoot... but because of the angry mobs."8

Chuck and other law officials have been dening interviews with Bigfoot, but for only one hundred dollars, we were able to persuade their minds.9

Bigfoot, would you prefer to be called something else?10

"Yes, I have a damn name... call me Melvin... bitch."11

Melvin... That's an interesting name. Who named you Melvin?12

"I named myself Melvin before I was born. It's a very complicated situation. You see, we breed differently than other animals. First you take a..."13

OK! Leave that one for the scientists. Uhh. Anyway, many people have reported you trying to attack them. Why is this so?14

"They're the one's messing around in my business! Especially that one Bob dude and his stupid whore wife. I was just trying to get some seaweed for a salad I was making and those stupid bitches stopped me."15

Are you sure there is not more to this story?16

"Fine... butt munch... I needed clothes. Look at me... I'm a nude, hairy man beast thing! It's bad enough that I'll never fit in normal shoes, but must I really walk around and expose myself? ... Hey... don't laugh you stupid cunt! Hey what the hell are you pointing at? It get's COLD in these forests!"17

Whew... sorry. By the way, how big are these legendary feet of yours?18

"I wear size 83 in women's shoes."19

In women's?20

"Shut up bitch! I told you already... for us to make a baby..."21

OK OK! I see. I understand... Well, you seem to have a reason for everything... So why on Earth did you turn yourself in?22

"The Mrs."23

I do not even want to know anymore.24

"Too bad... I'm the famous one. You're not even special enough for television. Haha you dipshit. Anyway... yeah Mrs. Melvin Sasquatch has been a bitch lately. Perhaps she's in her menstrual cycle. They last months for us.... But yeah... I just couldn't take it so I told her I could do better and walked out the door!"25

So you turned yourself in just to get away from your wife?26

"Yeah... I know... I'm not normal."27

Hello... you're Sasquatch! Goodness... plus... that is quite normal for someone to do. I became a news reporter just to get away from my nagging wife! Well look, this interview is getting long... Do you have any final words?28

"Yeah... People... stop coming into my damn woods! Oh... and all you whores at National Geographic need to stop making those documentries about me. They are so incredibly false!"29

And there you have it ladies and gentleman, Bigfoot... no... Melvin.30

Recent reports show an increasing drop in the amount of National Geographic viewers. Could this possible be related to the interview?31

At this time, no further news has been released on the doings of Melvin. Investigators and interviewers are still working hard to find out as much as they can about this creature. Until more is learned, we can only wait... oh... and also pray for Melvin's cell mate.32