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School let out and Anise went home as quickly as she could. She had finished her homework at school, but she still had chores to do when she got home. She arrived at the front door, took her key, and unlocked it. She was anxious to get on the internet.2
In the kitchen on the refrigerator was a note from her mother. It read, 'Darling, we'll be out late dancing. Don't stay up past twelve. Do your chores and homework before you get on the computer. Remember, be in bed by twelve. Love, Mom.'3
Her parents were always worrying over her, it seemed like. Twelve o'clock wasn't really late on a weekend, and Anise was sixteen, practically a woman! 4
Anise cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the living room and hall. She was caught up on homework, so all she had left was to feed Sammy, their German Shepherd. So she fed Sammy and then went upstairs to her room and got on the computer.5
Several people were requesting to be her friends on MySpace, and she accepted. Anise liked having as many friends as she could. She answered several messages and sent out some and then she got on MSN messenger.6
Cheeky77: Hi. How r u?7
Cheeky77 was a friend of Anise from Montana. They'd been friends for about a year. Anise was MsPanther95.8
MsPanther95: im gud. u?9
Cheeky77: im great wut u up ta?10
MsPanther95: nuttin much, im bored.11
Cheeky77: im chattn wid a guy who says he's from ur town. Want me ta give him ur name?12
MsPanther95: How old is he?13
Cheeky77: Old, but he's kewl.14
MsPanther95: u sure?15
Cheeky77: Yeah.16
MsPanther95: kk17
Anise got a message asking her to allow Assassin2 to be added to her MSN friend list and see her when she was on line. She added him.18
Assassin2: hi. asl?19
MsPanther95: 16, f, Mass, u?20
Assassin2: 35, m, Mass21
MsPanther95: Kewl22
Cheeky77: r u talkn wid him?23
MsPanther95: yeah24
Assassin2: Which city u liv in?25
MsPanther95: Jamaica Plains26
Assassin2: Me 227
MsPanther95: Really?28
Assassin2: yep. Wut grade u in?29
MsPanther95: i'll be in the 11th this fall30
Assassin2: ur just a baby31
MsPanther95: am not!32
Cheeky77: gtg ttyl33
MsPanther95: k later34
Assassin2: I'll bet ur parents don't let u do things by urself.35
MsPanther95: My parents aren't even home.36
Assassin2: But they'll be home soon, won't they?37
MsPanther95: They probably won't be back until after 238
Assassin2: Dat's late39
MsPanther95: Yeah, it is.40
Anise regretted she had told him her parents weren't home almost as soon as she had said it.41
Assassin2: wut's ur real name?42
MsPanther95: Can't tell u43
Assassin2: At least tell me ur first name.44
Anise thought about it. Her parents had told her not to give out personal information over the internet without checking with them first, but Anise didn't see how giving out her first name would hurt.45
MsPanther95: Anise46
Assassin2: That's a pretty and unusual name47
MsPanther95: I guess48
Assassin2: u don't sound like u like ur name49
MsPanther95: I wish it was Ashley50
Assassin2: That's pretty, too. u go 2 Wilmont High School, don't u?51
MsPanther95: How'd u no that?52
Assassin2: Well, there r only 2 high schools in town, I new u must be in 1 of them.53
MsPanther95: Indeed54
Assassin2: Indeed55
Anise was feeling a little uncomfortable.56
Assassin2: wut r u going to do during summer vacation?57
MsPanther95: I'll swim a lot and go to summer camp. wut kinda work do u do?58
Assassin2: im a systems analyst.59
MsPanther95: Is it fun?60
Assassin2: I like it. Your last name is Swenson.61
MsPanther95: hm, how did u no dat?62
Assassin2: I've got a copy of the school year book. U got blonde hair and blue eyes.63
Anise felt like she was possibly going to get in trouble if her parents found out she had let a stranger find out who she was and what she looked like.64
MsPanther95: gtg65
Assassin2: y66
MsPanther95: gtg67
Assassin2: k68
Anise listened to and watched some music videos and tried to take her mind of Assassin2. She deleted him from her friends list.69
She took a shower and blow dried her long, silky, blonde hair. She donned a flannel nightgown and crawled into bed. She turned off the light on her bedside table. She went to bed at about ten and tossed and turned. She would wake periodically and she felt like there was someone or something was around her. She thought about going to get her dog, Sammy, but Sammy was supposed to stay outside when the weather was warm.70
Anise couldn't shake the feeling she was not alone. She had to go to the rest room, but she was frightened to get out of her bed. Not able to contain herself, she went to the bathroom. When she finished, she made herself get up and check the door locks and window locks. Still she felt uncomfortable, she'd be so happy when her parent's got home.71
Sammy started barking and Anise sensed something was wrong. She had been asleep and she was suddenly wide awake. Seeing that the clock said midnight, she tried to remain calm and go back to sleep pulling the covers over her head. 72
“Hi, Anise,” she heard a deep male voice say. “It's me, Assassin2.”73
“How did you get in here?” she exclaimed. “What do you want?”74
“I've come to kill you.”75
“Oh god! Please don't hurt me!” she begged. 76
He turned on the light and tied her hands behind her. She screamed. She saw that he was a big man with sandy hair and brown eyes. He was wearing a black t-shirt and faded blue jeans. 77
“Go ahead and scream,” he said with understated calm. “No one will hear you. Squeal like a scared pig about to be slaughtered. That's all you are.”78
Realizing screaming was pointless, she cried, “Why are you doing this?”79
He laughed maniacally, “It's fun little girl.”80
“Oh God! Oh God! Please don't kill me,” she pleaded uselessly, helplessly.81
He tied her ankles together. She was crying futilely.82
He pushed her on her back and pulled a large folding knife out of his pocket. With his left hand on her chest and his legs against hers, he began gutting her. Anise screamed as loudly as her lungs would let her. The pain was extreme as he carved his way through her viscera. Though bloody and messy, this did not kill her. The wound in time would have been fatal, but he cut her throat. She died a bloody mess of blood loss. Her blue eyes stared blankly at the ceiling, dilated and fixed. She was dead.83
The man wiped the knife on her pink flannel nightgown. He was wearing latex gloves. He walked to her bathroom and washed his knife clean. Then he left the house and drove away.84
Assassin2 had struck again.85
Author notes
Male
In a list
A contest entry
- Why wolves Howl by Celestial Rose.
100 points, ended May 4, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Time to kill! by Vanilla King.
450 points, ended October 4, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Promts, Promts, Promts. by UhhLizzAhhBett.
295 points, ended July 23, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - NO RULES!!!!!!!!! (almost) by musical tai.
360 points, ended October 15, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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Good story
That was a short and yet very engaging story. If you ever thought of lengthening the story I guess you could do something with Assassin2 and Cheeky77 from Montana. Maybe he could hunt her down, or maybe they are collaborating?beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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Howdy!
Thanks for dropping by and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm very glad you like this story.
If you have some ideas you'd like to try with this story, feel free. We can split authorship on what we make out of it.
Andy
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I almost forgot the clappy thingys!!!!!
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WOW! AWESOME STORY!!!!!! scary thing is....that actually happens to ppl. Well, they might not gut the victims, but stuff like that still happens lol.
Dude, the girl was really dumb tho...It aactually scared me, so....GREAT JOB!!!!! I'm gunna put this on the finalist list!
keep writting!
-Musical
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Hi Musical!
For the contest I wrote this for, the host wanted to be scared, so I tried to oblige her
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Thanks for hosting this contest, adding it to the finalists, and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
Andy
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that was a pretty good hook, the character seems interesting
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Hello!
I think you'd like this story, if you come back to it and read it. I hope it fares well in your contest.
Thanks for hosting.
Andy
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Wow!! This is really a great write! (Even though it scares me! lol)
it shows you the real dangers of everything that could happen online. Sad sad sad.
Awesome job.
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Hi Rose!
I'm very pleased you like this story.
There are things to watch for when using the internet, but I think it's a very useful development. It brings the whole world into your home.
Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.
Andy
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Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck.
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Hi!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading. I appreciate it. May you have many entries and much fun. I hope you like my story.
Andy
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Thank you.
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Wow, that's pretty disturbing. Makes me feel like deleting EVERYBODY on my MSN friends list. Jeez, what a stalker. Thanks for entering my contest. I wish this had more at the end 'cause I was so hooked on reading this. Good Luck!
*Liz:]
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Yeah, it makes me feel the same way! lol
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Howdy Liz!
Yeah, it's good to be careful. It's good for everyone. As an adult, I've been robbed and assaulted for walking in the wrong neighborhood and in the wrong place at the wrong time twice. The dangers out there for kids are significant as well.
When he finished with Anise, there wasn't really much more to tell, was there? What would you have liked to see added?
Andy
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Yeah, my mom was robbed and almost kidnapped when she was walking in an alleyway one day on a jog. And my little brother was nearly kidnapped also.
Actually it's not that it's lacking detail or anything. It's just that I was sad to see it end, hah, it was such a good story. :]
*Liz:]
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Whoo that was cool!
I liked her name, Anise. It's a pretty name
The build-up was good, leading to a slaughterfest. At some point (I think it was around p42, where she blurts out she's home alone) I caught myself getting excited with anticipation as to what would happen next, so kudos to you for grasping me like that.
Also like how he found out everything about her so easily with a few simple questions.
This could actually be a very good warning-story about talking to strangers on the internet too, because sometimes it really is that simple to find out everything about someone.
That Assassin2 is one evil bastard. xD
Thanks for entering! -
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Hi Vanilla King!
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm pleased that you like this story.
May you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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.............................*gulp*
That really got me! I don't believe it..perhaps it's that fact that this is possible, or maybe I'm turning chicken...but that really got me! I kind of guessed what would happen but really....ahh! That's disturbing Great job, you're the first to get me scared in this contest!
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Hi!
Ah! but in the contest you said you wanted to be scared. I only tried to oblige
. I'm glad you like my story and I guess Assassin2 will find you under the bed with your teddy bear
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Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I'm glad you had a good contest.
Andy
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Alright this was okay. I could prodict what was going to happen from the beginning and I don't like it when a story is writen in that manner becasue it takes all the fun out of reading it. Also a lot of this story is IMing and the actual plot seems to be lacking. More detail would be nice. Thank you for entering.
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I hope you have many good entries and much fun.
Andy
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urgh. bit of a random piece of writing, informative of the dangers of IM but otherwise very stragne. most of it was just MSN dialogue. kind of saw where it was going though, i mean you could tell from quite near the beginning that he was going to 'get her' (excuse the phrase).
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. This is a contest inspired story. I think the story probably needs a rewrite to make it a little less obvious that he intends to 'get her'.
Andy
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Didn't care for the ending, mostly cos it was overly gory for me and I'm a bit squeamish, but you still got your point across. Wow; what a story.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I hope you like the story in spite of the gore.
Thanks again for stopping by.
Andy
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I'm surprised no-one else has mentioned this, since I've got to be older than most of them, but 11th grade is a Junior in high school...? Not middle school.
Nice morality story, thought he gruesomeness and potential sexual abuse in the end made me want to look away. -
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Thanks Kevin
I'm surprised to see you. I think you've only read me one time before and that was at Allpoetry before the Storywrite split. With all the members you have, I'm surprised that you got to me twice.
Thanks for catching middle school, I'll correct that. I had initially intended to make the character younger and then I changed my mind.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Andy
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ZOMG!
jeez man! thats like super super creepy. you know those annoying police people who come to schools and stuff? you sould totally give this to them! they'd think your a maniac, but i'd be awsome! I love this! (course im not that dumb to give out that much). Love violence and bloody murder, though this was a little....eh for me, i prefer the JHTM or sweeney todd type stuffs. Belle, keep up the amazing skillage~! -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. I'm very pleased you like this story. Not really your kind of reading, though. What genres do you like?
Andy
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Great story, keep writing! =) The chatspeak made me want to smack someone in the face, but it fit well with the part of the story it was in. Like a bunch of other people have said, I felt that the death scene wasn't as emotionally gripping as it could have been. I don't really know what should be done with it, though... ^^; Anise seems unintelligent, giving out her location online. A lot of people are that unintelligent though, which is pretty sad. The story seemed realistic, and I think something like this happens a lot in real life. >.< I never really got the point of using personal information people give you online to stalk them and kill them, though... If some creepy psychopath person wanted to go around killing children, why not just go to some random house and kill the kids there, instead of going out of his/her way to kill a specific person met on the Internet? O__________o Ah well. The ways of the Internet stalker shall never be understood by one such as myself.
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I hope you like this story. I suppose this story could use a rewrite. I didn't really give the killer a motive and I guess the whole thing could be expanded.
Andy -
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You're welcome. ^^
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ah!
chatting is always so creepy.
worst of all, i've talked to people and the conversation is very similar! (except i am not stupid enough to give my personal descriptions
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well, in my opinion, when they started talking it wasn't as creepy as before. as my wise big brother says, 'okay, the monster showed up and scared the crap out of you. now what?
'
sincerely, i felt that the ending was a bit too...plain, i guess.
if you had built up a bit more tension, more mystery, to that last part, it would have been GREAT. (even greater than it already is, of course)
i liked Sorath's idea a bit too.
that would have been a nice detail!
three clappies nevertheless!
cheers!
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Thanks Loyda
It was very nice of you to read, comment, and to give me so many clappies. The general opinion seems to be that I should try to do more with this story. I don't know if I will try to add to it or not. Probably not right away. What would you do to change the ending?
Andy
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Note to self - WHY THE HELL IS ANDY WRITING HORROR?!
I don't like this....freaked me out. Badly. Argh!!!1
*looks for a place to hide and snuggles into his closet. Wait ... crap, there's a monster here!!
Gawd.
Anyways, great writing and stuff as usual - and as Gnomie mentioned, it's true and can happen.
RJ
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Hi,
I guess the reason I was writing horror is that I like to You keep a monster in your closet? What kind of monster?
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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AAAAAAAAAH! That was scary. And real. And scary because this REALLY happens! Eeeeek. *signs off IM* Great job.
♥sarah♥
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Thanks Sarah
I hope you like this story. Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
Andy
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Well that scared the crap outta me. Note to self: Tell no one who I am. This was really creepy what would be a creepier ending if you said something like 'Assassin2 then changed his name to Assassin3' but that's just my creepy mind.
AWESOME WRITE!!
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Thanks
I hope you like this story and I also hope you weren't too scared. Why would it be creepy for him to change his name to Assassin3? You mean raise it up a notch for each new victim?
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
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I wasn't scared by her death scene; what scared me more was the IM situation. You could have gone into much more with this and really made it scary. It was a lesson that needed to be told and all in IM. It could be fantastic. I think I know where you were leading with this story, but it is a 2 to 3 chapter story. 1. The IM relationship build up. 2. The combined IM and physical contact.
3. The torture finale.
Mind you, this is purely my personal opinion.
It is a GREAT plot, and it is truly worth working on.
Lis.(I'm going for top clappys on this)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Lis
Would you be interested in expanding the story? I'm not very good at fleshing out. We could work together on it, if it interests you. We'd be co-authors.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I always like top clappies.
Andy
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I don't really know why I don't like the ending but it could be 'cause it doesn't really say why he killed her.
He says it's fun but that, to me, doesn't really say why. -
Foolish, foolish girl. *shakes head*
she had it comin' That song fits it so well...
The ending felt a little... detached to me? You build up the tension beautifully to that moment (Para 73) but from then on I don't really feel like I'm being dragged into her terror, I know what's happening, I don't really -feel- it. Maybe you're telling more then showing? I'm not the clearest on showing/telling, but I do get the feeling I'm being told how she's feeling, more then being shown how she's feeling.
Aside from that, it was good, I liked (if that's the word) it.
"Anise was sixteen, practically a woman!" That line made me laugh, partly because most 16 year old girls I know are like that, and partly because it's so sad. So naive *shakes head*
Anyway, good work, almost drove me crazy with the chatspeak.
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Thanks
The ending needs improvement? I may try to do something to it later. The chatspeak was used to make it seem authentic. I hope it didn't make it too difficult.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding.
Andy -
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Well, -I- think the ending needs improvement, but that's my opinion, you might disagree, and fair enough.
Yeah, I realised that was why you have chat speak, and it wouldn't be the same without it, but the stuff still drives me crazy. Haha, that's why I wrote a satire poking fun at people who use it.
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Welll... That was scary.
Now I'm really never going to accept strangers invites on MSN, or Skype or Yahoo or Myspace or Facebook or...
I thought the ending was to short though.
He just comes in, says he's going to kill her and then he kills her.
But I kinda like the story. -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. It looks like I need to work on the ending. Everyone seems to feel it is a bit short, that it's missing something. I'm glad you like this story.
Andy
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Don't make infomercials
Whatever you do, don't turn your hand to government sponsored information commercials.
You surely delivered on your intention to highlight the dangers of personal information sharing on the internet. This was gruesome and horrific. It would be nice if you could add a twist or two, even if the end remains, just to build some suspense.
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Thanks
So you would like to see some twists. Well, I'm not quite sure what I might do to it. Any suggestions.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding.
Andy -
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Suggestion
You can twist almost any piece of the action. For instance, when asked for her name, she might make up a surname, thinking herself oh-so-clever for doing so. But then have it backfire when Assassin2 tells her that the only person called Anise in the school is...
Or, as the tension builds at home, you could have the pet cat come out of its hiding place then, when she lets the cat out of the back door, Assassin2 is waiting there for her and barges in.
Or she could resist and almost escape her bonds at the end, only to be knifed and brought down before the final scene of butchery.
Toy with the reader, the same way you can toy with the protagonist.
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...O.O
OMG...im scared....2night iz going 2 b unpleasent.... -
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Thanks
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. You think this story will give you nightmares? Hope not.
Andy
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god this scared the shit out of me Lol reminds me of a old stalker my friend had eh i'm going to having all the lights on tonight!
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Thanks
Thanks for hosting this contest and for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.
You did say you wanted to be scared. I wasn't really certain that this would do it, but I fashioned this story after your contest description.
Sorry I wasn't on when you asked to chat. I was watching television.
I hope you have many good entries an much fun.
Andy
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Yikes, that was friggin scary. LoL, now I will be up and down all night checking the darn door tonight . It was very good though and makes a really good case for internet privacy precautions. eek
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Yep,
I was trying to enforce the need for internet precautions. It is too easy to get information. City directories cross reference phone numbers with addresses. Internet directories are available to some authorities, hopefully those aren't made available to the wrong individuals; though I'm sure sometimes they are.
I'm glad you like the story. I was trying to make it scary. The contest host detailed what she wanted.
Andy
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Okay, that scared me, I'll bet it will scare the judge for your contest too...
About halfway through, I was getting that feeling that one gets in horror movies... when you just KNOW that the bad guy is gonna be behind the closed door that someone is going into...
Anyway, good work, i think I'm going to go delete a few people off of my myspace now <.<
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Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it. I hope it scares the contest host, that was the goal; but the host said what she expected. So, the host probably won't be surprised
, but I tried.
Andy
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