Disaster in Oak Grove

Jeff was a 14 year old boy. He lived on a large farm in a small town called Oak Grove with his younger sister, younger brother, and two parents. His father owned the local store and his mother was an elementary teacher at the town's only school. So it was Jeff's job to make sure everything around the house was okay. He didn't go to school, he just took care of the house and farm. Every day it was his job to take pick up his siblings, Kate and Georgie from school and make them do their homework. Then he would go back to work. His mom got home at 4:00 and she helped the Kate and Georgie with their homework if they needed any then start dinner. His dad got home just in time for dinner, at 5:00, ate and then relaxed from the long day. After dinner Jeff finally had free time to do what he wanted.
This was Jeff's daily routine. Even on the weekends he had to work because his dad was still at the shop and his mom was busy taking care of the little kids.
But, one day in October, the day before Halloween, Jeff's routine changed. It was a Friday. Jeff was busy feeding the pigs. Then he heard a big bang. He turned in the direction it came from. It came from the town. He heard more bangs. About 7 or 8. Jeff dropped the bucket of slop he was holding and ran towards the town. He may not be educated, but he knew that in most cases, bangs were not a good thing. He ran straight to his father's shop. When he got there, his father was laying on the floor bleeding from a wound on his left leg. He was unconscious. So he ran to the schoolhouse. His mother was standing in front of the children protectively. On the other side of the room was a man with a gun.1

"Mom!" Jeff yelled and ran towards her, even though she was shaking her head at him. The man shot and Jeff fell. Pain shot through him. It hurt so bad, he couldn't even tell where he had been shot. His mother left her place from guarding the children and knelt down next to him, sobbing. "I'm okay, mom." Jeff lied. But she wouldn't let go of him. The room started fading and his mothers cries sounded farther and farther away until he couldn't hear her anymore. 2

The End3

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Comments


  • Miss Hanako Cullen
    June 13, 2008
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    This could have had so much more detail, the overall story was good and well thought out, but for being so short it didn't really pack a punch. You know what I mean? I would add maybe, 400-500 more words to this story and see what happens.

    Other than that, you've got a good beginning.

    Well Done!


  • tallblondie gold member
    June 8, 2008

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    Interesting story. Good character exposition at the start, but the piece felt like it needs to be 'fleshed out' more. With some more detail - descriptions and emotion - this story has the potential to be quite good.

    Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite.

  • super-buddy887
    June 8, 2008
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    it was good, but very sad

    very good, but way to sa

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 5.