Vile Dependency 2

Vile Dependency 2 1

I sat in silence the blurring noise of the television still lingering in my ears.2

I did not have any tears to cry, although I felt them burning in my eyes. I wanted to deny myself of them. They were useless and wasted upon my clean, uncut skin. 3

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I held them back, aching; the little buds of salt slowly letting themselves escape my eyes. I could no longer hold them back. I could no longer deny myself of the aching need to fall apart. To let my world crumble would be something I could not bear.5

I gripped onto the sofa gripping onto the only stable thing I knew in my life at this point in time. My fingernails digging into the rough, textured, fabric. 6

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I felt like tearing the arms apart. I felt the strongest urge to rip apart the fabric of the chair as if it was my body. Tearing it apart by the seams. Tearing away at my skin. The many layers of the complexity that made me who I was as a body and mind. Why did life have to be so complicated?8

How could this be happening again? In my home? In my arms?9

Amy had let herself fall, yet I knew nothing about what was really going on inside her head. Nor would she let me in enough to figure it out. I was completely in the dark and as much as I loved the infernal darkness that the world had to offer this was not the kind of dark that I wanted to to immerse myself in.10

I felt my eyes begin to blur with no assurance or faith in anything but doubt, anger and betrayal. My head pounding with just one question, Why? 11

Why was this happening? Why would she not let me in? Why did she think that I would not care? Why did she think this would not affect me? Why could I not bring myself to stand up to her? Why did I not go after her? Why was I not there for her? Why did I not notice something was wrong? Why?12

I let go of the arm of the chair feeling the first of my unwanted tears falling onto my heated skin, splashing its painful reminder of what I was about to face all over again.13

The house was silent. Not even the sound of the mice in the walls could be heard. It was deafening and soon it became unbearable, until the faint sound of Amy's crying pleas with God could be heard from upstairs.14

At first I covered my ears. My tears now pouring like infernal rivers of fire down my cheeks. Then as I let my hands fall by my sides, withering in my disgraceful weakness to face the truth I let myself hear her every word, her every whimper, her every mournful screech as her cries became stronger.15

I could not take it any longer listening to her tormented demands of forgiveness. Her taunted screams of faith. For something other than the life she had right now.16

I did not understand what could be so terrible. I thought we were happy. We seemed so happy, we seemed okay. Sure sometimes were hard with our struggle with money, but we always picked ourselves up of the floor and dusted ourselves of and we had never gone hungry or never had enough to pay for the bills. It could not be the money. It had to be something else.17

What else could it be? 18

I was wracking my brains trying to figure it out and giving myself a migraine in the process. My head now throbbing, begging for this to stop. For time to stop for just one second so I could figure her out.19

I stood up throwing my arms into the air like a troubled child, angry and frustrated. My body now limpid and weak. It felt as though my knees were about to give way while I walked up the stairs Hobbling. Holding onto the banister as to not loose my grip and topple over backwards.20

I was shaking, shuddering with the violent thoughts of death that were flooding through my mind like a spider bite injecting venom into my system and I was supposed to just stand their and wait for it to kill me. 21

I think not. There was no way I was going to sit around and do nothing. No way in hell I was going to sit there and listen to her horrendous cries for freedom from something that made no sense to me.22

I wanted to feel her pain just like I felt my love for her and if that meant immersing myself inside her mind. Then I was ready to welcome in the darkness.23