We had been friends since the beginning of high school. The five of us hung out pretty much every day, despite all our homework, so none of us ever really stood out in school. 1
I guess we always were the kids that caused trouble in the neighborhood. You know how that goes… You take a bunch of guys, add a hint of boredom and a lot of peer pressure, and trouble is bound to be the result of this infamous recipe. We’d whistle to the girls that would walk by us and yell offensive things, and then be amused by their reactions. We’d provoke old people and laugh at their slowness and incapability. We’d get into fights with other guys, we’d steal the occasional car and we even robbed a few people. Yeah, we weren’t exactly boy scouts.2
It all ended for me on a certain day though, and it is exactly that day that I want to talk about right now. 3
We stood on our regular spot, the corner of 4th and Walter Street. It was about time to graduate, but none of us really expected to actually make it. We didn’t really want to either, it would mean our time together would end and we’d go our own ways. Through the years we became a close group, always sticking up for each other. But you know how in every group, there’s always this guy that has a hint of common sense, that’s somewhat reasonable and in a way the ‘good guy’? I think in our group, that was me. I’d never initiate trouble, nor would I start fights, I only backed up my friends.4
That day, the rest finally noticed that. For the first time in all the years that we had been together, I felt out of place. They kept provoking me and I knew I’d never hear the end of it. I was pleasantly unsurprised that it took them all these years to finally notice this difference between us. But now that they did, they wouldn’t let it rest. I knew these guys, they’d go on and on about it until I finally gave in to them… So I decided to cut the crap right away and just get it over with.5
I told them that I’d rob the first person to pass by us, to show them I wasn’t pussying around. Micky grabbed a knife out of his pocket and showed it to me.6
“Think you’re man enough to play with the big boys now, Fishy?” 7
Fishy... I hated that name. They started calling me Fishy after I wet my pants in 7th grade when two bulldogs attacked me. Even though it was about 5 years ago, they still called me Fishy when the peer pressure started. I usually just did what they said to end it; I really, really hated that name.8
I took the knife and let it roll around in my hand and played with it a bit; try to get the feel of it. I never did something like this before; I usually just stood there and tried to look as scary as possible, occasionally landing a firm fist in the face of one of our attackers. 9
I finally grabbed the knife tightly and waited. Waited for the poor schmuck that was going to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.10
Then he came walking around the corner. He wasn’t what I was hoping for; he was tall and had broad shoulders. Grandmas are always easier than tall buffed men. 11
He looked Middle-Eastern; he had black hair and dark eyes, his skin slightly tanned. He wore a black suit and had a nice watch dancing around his wrist. Good, I thought. He’s rich.12
As he came closer, I noticed him noticing us. He looked at our group, but I still think his sight was aimed specifically at me. It seemed like he was expecting me to rob him, his tight glare almost inviting me to jump in front of him and say the magic words. 13
“Your money or your life!”14
“You… you’re robbing me?” he asked, pretending to be surprised.15
“What does it look like, you fucking idiot! Yeah, I’m robbing you, give me all your money, man!” I tried to sound as tough as possible, hoping he wouldn’t notice my trembling hands and knees.16
The man chuckled softly as he looked me straight into my eyes. He showed no fear, not even the slightest bit. The determination, power and might in his eyes made me feel as if he was the one that was robbing me, as if he was the one holding the knife.17
“Listen, kid…” he started. “I can see this isn’t you. I can see this isn’t what you want to do. Now, I know, I know… you hang out with these lowlife pieces of shit and they somehow managed to pull you down to their level and talk you into the same crap they like to pull. Tell me something, kid… why do you do this? I know you don’t want to.”18
Speechless. I didn’t know what to say anymore; this certainly was not what I had expected. The awkward silence was killing me; I could feel the eyes of my friends glare holes in the back of my head. It didn’t last long as he broke the silence with his hoarse voice.19
“Now there are two things you can do, kid. You can try to go on with this. You can try to rob me. But let me tell you, I won’t let you make that mistake. I can break your arm in three places and dislocate your shoulder within a few seconds. Those punks behind you that you call ‘friends’ would probably just run off and leave you to my mercy. And by the way you’re holding that knife, I can see you haven’t held it in a situation like this before.”20
I looked at my hand. He was right… It did look stupid. 21
Behind me, my friends’ feet slowly shuffled away from me.22
He continued: “The other thing you can do is let the both of us walk away. Walk away from the most stupid thing you’ll ever do in your life. Walk away from the very life you lead right now. 23
Now ask yourself… is it really worth it to steal a man’s property, so that a bunch of idiot shitbags will think you’re cool? From this very moment on, there will be no going back; you wouldn’t be able to stop the avalanche of disaster caused by this seemingly small crime.”24
I noticed it wasn’t just me that was stunned. The rest of the group stood there in fear too, still trying to get away from this man. I thought of a documentary I had seen on Discovery channel, where a single lion took on a pack of hyenas. 25
The lion won.26
I didn’t know what to do. I tried to look away from his eyes, but I couldn’t. I tried to breathe, but I couldn’t. I tried to run, but again… I couldn’t.27
We might have stood there for a few seconds. We might have stood there for a few hours. I honestly have no idea. All that time, his eyes rested their penetrating sight on mine. He saw straight through me, through my baggy clothes, through the knife I was holding so clumsily, through this whole charade. He saw me.28
He walked towards me and firmly grabbed my hand with the knife still in it. I didn’t feel the need to resist; it would be senseless and futile to do so, anyway. He stood in front of me, only a few inches away, and whispered into my ear.29
“So what’s it gonna be, kid? Will you force me to stop you from your mistake, or will it be a happy ending with both of us walking away, instead of just me?”30
He tried to take the knife from me, and I let him. As the knife’s wooden hilt said goodbye to my hand’s skin, I felt my old life leave with it. The weight of the world just dropped off my shoulders and I felt relieved. 31
“Smart choice, kid. Now go.” 32
“Go?” I asked.33
“Yes, go. Get out of here and don’t let me see you here again. Next time I won’t be so nice.”34
He stepped aside and I saw my new path ahead of me. I took a few steps on it, slowly. This path required a completely new way of walking; I felt like I had to learn everything all over again. I quickened my pace and before I knew it I was running. Running as fast as I could, away from the other hyenas. 35
I was going to be a lion. 36
After that, I never once looked back. I don’t know what that man did to my friends, or who he was for all that matters, but after that they never spoke to me again, nor did I see him again. What happened in the years following that day is a whole other story and perhaps I’ll let you know some other time.37
But today, I am the man I want to be, I am the man that stopped me on that very day… Hear me roar, for I am a lion.
Author notes
I wrote this in a few hours. I would really like to know what you think of it, so please tell me what you like and what could be better, and give suggestions! I honestly don't mind it if you say you didn't like something, it'll just stimulate me to get better!
I'm a guyA contest entry
- Make me laugh, make me cry, make me feel something! by LittleMissChrissie.
450 points, ended October 24, 95 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Teen Contest by writeroftoast.
475 points, ended October 27, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Constructive criticism please!
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Now that was freaking brilliant.
The title threw me for a bit, but i like this story a lot! Very moralistic without shoving the moral in the reader's face. XD
-HT
. Rewarded 4
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Lol this was awesome!! Author notes: "im a guy" . thats nice to know xD, most of us know that already but okie!! I like this all the way, although, if you continued it, I wanna know what happens to the guy!!
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I really liked this story for its message, and your lion metaphor was spot on. However, I think that maybe the man could have been a little less preachy than he was. Try another way to get your point across than direct dialogue. Rather, try to portray what he meant through what he didn't say. It was a good read, nonetheless. Good luck in the contest!
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Oh, and one more thing; I thinkt he lion/hyenas thing is prilliant, and perfect!
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The narrative begins quite candidly allowing the reader to listen to the story being told without distraction, like a great storyteller. And like a great story, this one ends on a powerful note. One of self-realization and self-actualization. Having the strength to be who you truly want to be. Great work here!
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A very intense story and I felt I could really believe in your characters. I enjoyed it immensely and it was very well written. There weren't any spelling or grammar mistakes so far as I could see, so good job! The length of the story was also good, not too short and not too long. It was very detailed and your use of words was excellent.
Very well written!
Best of luck in the contest!
Chrissie
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A strong story with a good moral bite.
There is much here to recommend it; I enjoyed it from the first sentence onward.
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This was totally great! Loved reading it! I'm a detail freak, so this was just wowowoah! great!
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wow
i really liked this
it was well depicted
i was really involved the whole time
i love how descriptive and detailed you were
. Rewarded 4
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I really liked this. There were no spelling or grammar errors that I noticed and the story was told wonderfully. It seemed quite believable and the chractors were really well done. I think you have a really good story here. A wonderful read indeed. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Wow. I thought this was really really good. It was well-written, with no grammar or spelling errors that I noticed. I loved the way he suddenly realised his friends didn't matter so much. The style was smooth and nice to read, which helps so much for a reader. Amazing! *Mind reels* Brilliant job, I'd love to read some more of your work one day.
. Rewarded 6
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Ary, this was excellent! One of my favorites. And great dialoge. It that kind of feeling of power and inspiration with out trying so hard. Makes ya think we are all hyenas at some point, and it takes courage to be a lion. Great work.
-bri
. Rewarded 4
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This was a very nice write. Good story and well written, I look forward to reading more from you ^_^
. Rewarded 4
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wow, that was actually inspiring. I liked the message. It was awesome.
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Your writing had so much meaning keep it up.
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GJ!
Nice i liked it very well written
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I like this.
It was well written and had a good storyline. The last line was a bit awkward "hear me roar", that bit just didn't fit but the rest was good. Nice details and descriptions; just the right amount in fact.
Good Luck!
. Rewarded 4
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One thing I noticed that sounded odd was that the speaker said that they were close, friends, buddies, at the beginning, but once the actual story starts, there seems to be no friendship there, just casual acquaintances with a cruel streak. It also did not seem like it was hard for him to leave his old life - yes it was a bad one, but human nature is a tricky thing. It's hard to change the habits and patterns of years - maybe the story could have some hints that things weren't good before?
I thought the lion-hyena metaphor was great and unified the theme, putting the message and concept in perspective while giving new meaning to the story. It was good.
Glad I had a chance to read this,
Nocturne. Rewarded 8
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That was a really good story. The way you desribed exactly what was going through the teenager's mind was amazing. It's a very beliveable(sp?) story, and the moral is very strong. Great job on it!
. Rewarded 4
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Great job! This story shows that you can walk away from the bad places you are in right then and there. It is written well and it has a great point. Thanks for entering.
. Rewarded 4
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Thanks for your entry. I like a story that has a point. It is a good story but there is also food for thought through out. A lot of folks can relate to the circumstance even if they have never been to the extreme expressed in the story. Peer pressure is peer pressure after all and it all seems pretty serious at the time we are experiencing it.
Good job. Best of luck in the contest.
. Rewarded 8
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This was great! I enjoyed it thoughout, and honestly didn't find any grammar stuff..
WHich is good to me. Very well done...and thanks for entering! Durian.
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Contest
I have already read this story and loved it. Great Job -
RAWRRRRR!!!!
AWESOME!!!!! XD That was VERY VERY enjoyable. ^-^
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ou!
this sounds like a really good start to a story. i really liked how you brought out the strenght of the stranger. if only we could get his perspective? maybe add a little more emphasis on their emotions? maybe have his 'friends' run away like weenies? lol ^-^
. Rewarded 6
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That was great! I loved how the man spoke to him in such a way that shoed him now utterly stupid he was acting. I might take a few days on the constructive critisism... it's perfect.
. Rewarded 4
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Wow. =-D
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This was really impressive. I love the change of heart. It wasn't just a sudden switch of sides but there was a meaningful lead-up that was pure and honest. I think it was very well written, and it seemed rather realistic. I don't recall any grammar problems, which definitely steps it up a notch in my mind, and everything seemed to be described in a really subtle metaphor. Well, not everything, but it was really well done. I love the paragraph about the path, and the ending..just blew me away. =] Great job!
-Sarah.
. Rewarded 8
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Wonderful!
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Woah!!!!
That was a really nice little piece!! I thoroughly enjoyed how you made it short and sweet with a little bit of background, and a little bit of the future. I enjoyed it very much, and I have to say that when you first opened up, I knew the group you talked about, and the one who stood out. It brought a whole sense of realism to the story and gave me the ability to relate to what you were talking about (even though I'm a girl).
So, all in all, great work!
. Rewarded 8
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