He leapt acrobatically from the windowsill to the small ledge below, his prize firmly in his grasp. A brilliant flash of rainbow colours scintillated across the wall as he passed; the tiny tinted flecks of radiance shifting as dappled sunlight caught a multitude of facets.1
Heart pounding, he scrabbled for purchase on the narrow ledge as one of his feet dislodged a piece of crumbling mortar. With nary a glance below, he expertly negotiated his route from the ledge to the top of a flight of stairs. Readjusting his hold on his trophy, he descended the stairs two at a time, and then darted towards a high fence.2
He glanced over his shoulder up at the open window from which he made his escape, making a noise of satisfaction at the back of his throat once he realised he had not been noticed. 3
He crept silently along the fence, pausing for a moment to glance down at the neighbouring home’s pet Bull Terrier. Despite the warnings on the front gate that this property housed a dog to be wary of, Tom could see that the claims were simply false.4
As she saw him approach, her tongue lolled from her mouth, followed by her cocking her head as she regarded him with liquid ebony eyes. He drew near her tentatively, but it soon became apparent that Tom had nothing to fear – ‘Missy’ was as harmless as his mistress’ yellow canary, and even less annoying.5
Tom made a noise of amusement at the comical sight of the alleged ‘dangerous dog’ as she dropped her backside to the ground, and then rolled onto her back; paws angled towards the cloudless sky. Wriggling in the dust, she bared the pinkish skin of her stomach in anticipation of a scratch.6
A startled yell – from apartment he had previously exited – jolted Tom. With a small sniff of derision at Missy, he dashed away from the scene of his crime, the golden spoil swaying as he ran. 7
Coming to a dead end, he espied a gap in the rotting wood of the fence. As he squeezed through, he caught his band – that which declared ownership to his mistress – on a corroded nail. With a howl of pain, he tugged himself free, though the bluntish point drew blood as it raked his skin.8
Hearing the voice again, Tom sought an alternate escape route. Glancing up and down the street he found himself in, he bolted towards the open door of a busy store across the road. Weaving between people, he reached a quiet corner near the back. Sitting down in a convenient chair, Tom dropped his prize on the worn brocade of the seat, mesmerized again by the sheer clarity of the crystalline rock.9
The shopkeeper broke his reverie. “Hello there – that’s a pretty little trinket you have,” the man stated as he packed a shelf. “You live with old Mrs. Donaldson, don’t you?”10
Tom silently stared at the shopkeeper, before yawning and snuggling into the chair. 11
The man reached down and examined the flat metal pendant hanging about Tom’s neck. He chuckled. “Mr Tom – such a fitting name for a cat. I best be telling Mrs. Donaldson that you’ve turned up here – with her favourite crystal nonetheless.”12
Tom gazed at the man imperiously as he shuffled away. If he could have grinned, he would have; but, as he was a cat, he merely purred and fell asleep, his adventure soon forgotten.
A contest entry
- Show Me Something I Haven't Seen by WillyLee.
350 points, ended June 18, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short Stories by NeuroticEcho.
455 points, ended June 13, 31 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything you're little heart desires.. part two by Hollywing.
200 points, ended July 19, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Animals by KittyLord.
102 points, ended August 22, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me Something Great! by Dragon of Earth.
260 points, ended August 28, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - a story in a page by Iris Doyle.
175 points, ended September 5, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Another quickie with a twist...
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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This is a great short read, really amusing with brilliant descriptions and imagery. I loved that Tom was a cat! I found myself suspecting he may not be human but wasn't sure until the end! It's a great short write
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haha. nice twist on the story. i had no idea that one was coming! great story. brilliant vocabulary. lovely detail. amazing all the way. good luck in the contest!
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I did believe the trophy he carried was a dead bird.
A delightful little tale; while I did guess Tom was cat, it didn’t limit my enjoyment of the story.
I must tell you though I did believe the trophy he carried was a dead bird. Since no matter how docile a predictor has become, they will rarely ignore the opportunity to hunt and kill. So the ending was just a tiny letdown.
You might look at this;
A startled yell – from (the) apartment he had previously exited – jolted Tom.
Glad you earned so many trophies with this
Geri
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Haha, I rly thought Mr. Tom was a person! Great work, this was a nice quick little read =]
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I love this story. I thought it was a human until the shop keeper mentioned that he was a cat. I HAVE A CAT NAME TOM TOOO! lol
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Thanks!
I love this for some reason.I don't know why but I imagine Tom as a black cat.
Good write I love it!
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Sounds like me trying to get away with every Trophy that I have ever won on Storywrite. Charming little frolic in crime
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hahahaha I thought it was a teenager stealing,thats cute! WAIT it ran away come back kitty!!! Sorry any how it was sooo weird when I figured out it was a cat GOOD JOB!!!
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Aaawwwwwwww. This is purely adorable.
I really, really enjoyed this piece.
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i love it..the detail, the wording, the personality that the cat "Tom" has. This was really amazing. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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He leapt acrobatically
** *cringes* The acrobatically totally turned me off. It seems... like so many better descriptions could go in place that aren't adverbs.
Glancing up and down the street he found himself in
**he found himself in is not needed.
I vote you vary sentence structure
Hearing the voice..
Glancing up and down,..
Weaving...
Sitting...
inginging
Lol :-P very clever ending.
I thought that you could vary sentences, like I said, but otherwise it held my interest. I think what set this piece out from a normal bit of writing was the end. Good job
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Wow, I didn't even know it was a cat till the end. Great discription. Good job. I loved it! Realy good. Keep writing. Hehe, mew!
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Very cleverly done.
An excellent twist at the end; I had no idea it was a cat!
Nice write and good luck! -
Nary
I love the word nary... It's fun. Bring back the nary, I say. -
This was brilliant !! Such a fun twist @ the end. I had no idea it was a cat. Loved it!~ Very well done!!
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Curse my insight
I assumed this was a cat from the opening sentence. I wish I'd been taken in like other reviewers so I could have enjoyed the ending.
Two spelling mistakes (I think) - "revere" should be "reverie" and "barred" should be "bared". I was also interested in the word "espied" most original, I would have just used "spied" but this was fresh.
It was an easy, fun read. Well done.
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Slightly different usage. 'Spied' is more an observant action, 'espied' has the emphasis of discovery through observation. I like to find new ways of expressing what I mean in a story.
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I don't suppose there's a "bespied" out there anywhere. Maybe it's what happens to someone who has been "espied" by someone else.
On reflection, I think I actually got the angle of this tale from the title. You might try something a little more subtle. Then again, I seem to be the only one to have not been taken in by this of your commentators so far.
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*giggles* I love cats. Especially when the get the better of some unsuspecting human.
This was very cute and well-done. I like the way that you convinced your audience that it was a little boy burglar instead of a cat until the very end. The one part that was a bit confusing when I first read it was the "band of ownership" - this made me wonder if he was in some kind of world where thief guilds roam the streets. But the picket fenses and bull terrier made me think it was the real world. Maybe I just read too much. Anyways, a very enjoyable and entertaining romp. Good luck!
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It's funny, I never saw him as a little boy. I saw a man. And when the 'band of ownership' came up I thought it might be somewhat futuristic. I thought of a guild, too, but one of mistresses.
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Very clever. You had me until the last!
Vixen...full of surprises you are.
To be picky and...purr-fectionist...I would call to your attention the first four graphs...pretty much all starting with "he"...but for one...and for one who so deftly navigates through and negotiates with the language, I would steer clear of "rusty nail"...and even "pitch black."
I mean...why would the nail have to be rusty...and why the black as black as pitch?
But, as I say...this is only in the interest of purr-fection. Otherwise the story gets 3 meows.
GA
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But doesn't "rusty nail" give more detail to the piece? "Nail" just tells the reader that there is a nail, with no visual description. As the author, we get to decide, "No, it doesn't HAVE to be a rusty nail, but this one is."
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Love it!
Nice piece of work with an unexpected ending that didn't seemed forced. -
Haha that was so cute! The twist was nice, I like how you started giving hints about halfway through the story. This definitely was a happy story, a very cute one at that too!
Thank you for entering my contest!
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You gave enough clues, so I should have known that Tom was a cat, but all the way through I thought he was a human "cat burglar"; although towards the end some of his actions, like "yawning and snuggling into the chair," made me think that Tom might be a bit eccentric.
I don't know how Tom managed to get the crystal around his neck, but I suppose it could have been hanging by a loop of string near a window, and he maybe had been playing with it as cats do, and become entangled in the string. I suppose he couldn't have carried it in his hands as a human would.
Unfortunately my wife is allergic to cats, and so since our last cat died of mouth cancer (she lived with us for 15 years), we can't have a cat. I guess a good cat story is the next best thing.
It's a very nice story, deftly written, held my interest all the way, surprised me at the end and made me smile.
Nice work, and thanks for entering the contest!
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lol. That was cute. I wasn't expecting Mr. Tom to be a cat. Very creative. I'm impressed. I liked it.
The descriptions were flawless and the imagery was amazing. You really threw me for a loop at the end. I was sure Mr. Tom was a person until you said otherwise. Fantastic! Good job and good luck.
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