If it Kills me

I've never lived so much it could kill me. But I1

guess things don't change, they just get worse. 2

Lying here looking up into a maternal chandelier3

wondering if someone will find me.4

I was born in a country whose name is irrelevant. I5

moved to where the cattle were being herded and the6

sheep getting sheared. I learnt their language. At7

such an early age all there is out there in the real8

world is opportunity and success. It is not9

sufficient to dream it and long for it, but to pursue10

it when it runs, and hunt it down when it hides. Then11

there is the alternative, which is anything but an12

alternative, to live a shameful nonexistence13

profiteering from lies and false beliefs. I chose14

the latter.15

I had not known I had chosen the latter until late in16

my middle age when I woke up one morning, found my17

tie stifling, the buttons on my shirt wrinkling up18

before my eyes, my moccasins twisting and turning in19

directions my mind did not lead. I worked at an20

office, not much unlike your office, where you goof21

off, and speak trash about the supervisor, when you22

know full well if you were in his shoes you would be23

the butt of every joke. I worked my ass into his24

shoes.25

There was a glacial period it seemed, where26

everything froze around me and all I could witness27

was myself and what I had to run to keep the company28

clock ticking.29

I eventually tackled the presidency of the company30

and drastically, my burdens were slyly placed before31

my eyes instead of on my back. I worried for a first32

time in my meager existence. I think realizing that33

it was the first impact I would be able to witness34

with every ounce of consciousness left in my being.35

The company ran by my side. I was the hamster that36

stepped out of the wheel to make sure that everyone37

else was running at a proper pace.38

I could make a difference I thought.39

My sons were all grown up but I don't even remember40

having them. They lived elsewhere. Anywhere but where41

I called home. My wife, if she could be called that42

didn't stick around to keep an eye on a love that43

worked into late hours of the night and woke up at44

the crack of dawn. There wasn't even a mild45

recollection of a divorce or a settlement of any46

sort.47

The first decision I made that I felt affected48

everyone around me. I quit.49

I stepped down right when it seemed the company50

needed me most. I didn't even notify anyone of it. I51

just left the building one day.52

I went home, to the park, to the amusement parks, on53

the rides, to the beach, ate a sno-cone, even double54

parked on a one way street when it wasn't necessary.55

I could feel myself smiling.56

The wrinkles in my face were awkward, and I couldn't57

recognize the emotion. I felt happy.58

I don't think I went home for a good week. I traveled59

to nearby towns and visited their museums and walked60

through their parks as well, I felt free.61

I wish I would have realized that my actions had such62

weight. I would not have changed a thing though. I63

just never thought for anyone but myself in the64

entirety of my life, so I never saw anything happen65

to anyone but me.66

When I got home, there was the company. Waiting in67

and around my gloriously unimaginable mansion.68

Instinctively I thought that there was some degree of69

good news, but when I noticed that my head of staff's70

assistant's wife's sons were there, i sensed that71

there was way too much of an extended family force72

pacing my grounds.73

I found out that my absence had caused the company to74

break down and file for bankruptcy. My head of staff75

was in command in the event of my absence so all76

blame was pinned on him, but I was the CEO in charge77

of making sure he made the right decisions, so due to78

a technicality, I was blamed.79

There was no reasoning with me.80

They talked and diplomatically tried to settle the81

ordeal by having me sign a piece of paper that stated82

I was responsible legally. I signed my father's83

signature.84

Within minutes, the company had abandoned my home, i85

was sipping on a glass of wine and making my way up86

the steps to my room, when in came my head of staff.87

He wanted to make me sign the statement with my own88

signature. I declined and said he was equally as89

responsible. He took the same action I had. He90

threatened me. I invited his threat.91

He had it walk in through my head and make me see92

stars. I fell. Inevitably, I lay there motionless,93

staring up into the chandelier I removed from my94

mother's house the day she died. The same chandelier95

I had installed myself the third week I was working96

with the company.97

Why was I remembering this, I didn't know my mother.98

And no one ever found me.