Plink1
She woke from a semi-conscious state, amorphous dreams retreating from the silky blackness of her eyelids, curling away into her mind like tendrils of summer smoke.2
Plink!3
She groaned into the pillow, reflexively drawing her cotton coverlet over her head in an attempt to muffle the sound.4
PLINK5
Katherine Matthews grumbled in frustration as the persistent sound of water dripping finally stripped the cocoon of sleep from her. Under the sheets, she cracked one eye open and blurrily examined the hazy light that filtered through the coverlet.6
PLINK!7
“Damn it,” she murmured, realising that her husband must not have turned the tap off properly in the ensuite bathroom. The sound of more water droplets falling and splattering on metal confirmed her belief. She rolled onto her back, and reached out her right arm to awaken her husband.8
“David?” she mumbled, as her fingers crept across the bed towards where her husband usually lay.9
She snatched her hand back in surprise. Instead of an expanse of warmth and the touch of the silken pyjamas that her husband wore, Katherine’s fingers found nothing but air and cold metal. 10
She frowned – she and her husband had a king size bed – and she usually had to stretch out her whole arm to encompass its entirety. Unsure of her bearings, she sent her left arm out in exploration. Seconds later her knuckles grazed strikingly similar icy metal as they came to rest at the side of the bed.11
“No,” she breathed in disbelief. Heart racing she reached out for her glasses, seeking affirmation with her eyes. Hand outstretched, her fingers clawed at nothing.12
“David,” she called out, bewildered, her hand still groping aimlessly. There was no answer, and without her glasses, the room remained an ambiguous blur of light and dark.13
She sat up in the bed – not her bed – the burst of realisation pierced her thoughts abruptly. Dropping her hands to either side of her, she rediscovered the imposing metal. Definitely not her and David’s bed – the panicked thought rapidly exploded her last bubble of composure.14
“David!” she screamed as confusion flooded through her – its poisonous wisps snaking around her nerves and ensnaring her body. Mouth dry and hands shaking, Katherine swept her arms in front of her as she hastily slipped from the bed, desperately seeking anything to give her a clue. 15
Two steps and she tripped painfully against something that rattled across the floor, and fell heavily against what felt like a shelf or desk at hip height. Her fingers skittered across the surface, finally closing in on what they had sought; her glasses – the one thing she now depended on to restore her reality.16
Fingers trembling, she slid them on her face, eyes scrunched tight. She opened them and screeched; her reality shattered as the room resolved into distinct lines and patterns.17
She stumbled, leaning heavily against the metal shelf that had held her glasses. Alarmed, she could do little but stare at her surroundings; a strange metal toilet/sink combination, beads of water clinging to its surface; a pale beige metal-framed bed bolted to the floor; a white plastic chair upended on the cement floor; a heavy closed door and a small window.18
Disconcerted, she focused on the window; tiny, curtain-less, barred. 19
“No!” the denial fell from her lips before her mind could comprehend the importance of what she saw.20
“NO!” she whipped her face from the sight, disbelief palpable in her cry.21
She ran to the door, her palm closing over the handle. With a savage twist, her skin slid over the cold metal, the handle unrelenting. 22
Agitated and distressed, she pounded the door with her hands. “David! David where are you? Oh my God, David?!”23
As sharp, salty tears poured down her face and into her mouth she sank to the floor beside the door. The taste of her despair upon her tongue, Katherine uttered a keening cry of helplessness.24
Moments later, the door burst open, revealing a uniformed man and a nurse. Keys clutched in one hand, the man took one dispassionate look at Katherine and raised a radio to his lips with another.25
“Rover, this Officer Jensen in the Hospital wing – requesting your assistance at room 23.”26
Eyes wide with apprehension, Katherine scrambled away as the radio crackled in response. “Where’s David? I want to speak to my husband,” she pleaded as the nurse appraised her.27
The officer raised an eyebrow at the nurse. Katherine anxiously watched the exchange as the nurse shook her head. 28
“Where am I?” she inquired, the truth blocked by her own denial. “Where’s David?”29
The nurse turned to her. “Mrs. Matthews – could you tell me what the date is today?”30
Katherine frowned. “Last night was the 15th February – that would make today the 16th.” 31
The nurse waited, an eyebrow raised in quizzical expectation.32
“1999, of course,” she finished as she watched the nurse and officer exchange meaningful glances. “What?”33
The officer sighed, annoyed. “You actually believe this crap she’s spinning, Leanne?” He addressed the nurse, completely ignoring Katherine. “That she has conveniently forgotten the last eight years or so?”34
“What do you mean – eight years?” Katherine interjected nervously as her brain stumbled on the words eight years. “I would know, wouldn’t I, if it wasn’t 1999?”35
“Stop playing games, inmate Matthews, and return to your bed.”36
Katherine swallowed, perplexed. “Inmate?” she muttered, the thought completely incomprehensible. Why would she – Katherine Matthews, teacher and respected member of the community – be in gaol? Angered by the preposterous suggestion, she pushed herself to her feet. “I insist that I be told what is happening – and I want to speak to my husband!”37
The nurse sighed and pivoted away. The officer thumbed his radio again. “Rover – where’s my backup?”38
Katherine marched towards the open door, only to find herself shoved back into the room with a strong arm. She tripped and fell, landing solidly on her buttocks. “Tell me what is going on,” she demanded from the floor, fighting an overwhelming urge to lose what little control she had regained over her emotions.39
The officer glared at her and sneered. “Here’s a newsbreak sweetheart,” he said sarcastically, his lips pulled back from his teeth in a sneer. “You are in gaol – Long Bay Prison Hospital if you need the specifics. The year is 2007 – not 1999 – and lastly, you won’t be seeing your husband.” He paused, almost seeming to savour her response. His next words devastated her:40
“Considering that you were the one that killed him.”
Author notes
This is only the prologue for a novel-length story.
Specific Terms:
gaol is the Australian/British spelling of 'jail'
Rover is a term for a correctional centre officer who is not attached to any particular section of a gaol, but instead 'roves' the entire centre performing varying duties - from 'backing up' other officers, to escorting an inmate through various sections
Other:
Long Bay Hospital is a real place. It is part of the Long Bay Correctional Complex, located in Sydney, NSW, Australia. It is a maximum security section, containing four wards - one of which is the medical ward.
In a list
A contest entry
- Stories Please by Violet Moodswing.
600 points, ended June 16, 38 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Does this make you want to learn more?
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Well, as usual - nothing I say in this comment will do justice to Blondie's literary weavings ...
Awesome start to a story -- the water drops, the alien bed ... and the realization that she wasn't where she thought she was -- the way in which you build this up to the ending is impressive.
I like that you suggest Katherine's blocked away the memories of the last eight years -- "truth blocked by your own denial" - but at the same time, her confusion and anguish is so well bought out that the reader wonders.
Great cliffhanger ending - maybe a bit predictable when you look back at it - but leaves audiences wanting more all the same.
Well, I certainly did.
Finish it!
RJ
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It's an awesome start to the story, but it doesn't meet the minimum word length, and there are no other items in the list, so I'm afraid I'll have to DQ your entry. Sorry.
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This is awesome Judith. I can't wait to read more. Really good job with the imagery of the story, though I'd like to know a bit more about the place. What kind of clothes did she wake up in? What did the officer look like? What were the walls like? I'd like to see where you take htis Judith.
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wow!
i love this!
really really great prologue!
i want to read more!
your style is very very good and i love your word choice and descriptions.
thanks so much for entering and good luck!!
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Despite the fact that I could see where this was going very early in the prologue, I have to admit that the question ow why/how she killed David is still a very compelling reason to read more. Personally, I hope the next chapter travels back in time to 1999...but that's me being myself. Anyways, this is a good start. Thanks for entering!
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This is wonderfullydone. I love you choices of words and the way describe things in wonderful. Good you put that Gaol was the same as Jail because I got a tad bit confused there. Love that its set in a real place. I'll have to read more of this when I get the time once the contests ends. Good luck on this story. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
. Rewarded 6
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Absolutely gripping! I hardly drew breath reading this. Oh DO carry on with it. I must know how it turns out, even if I have to buy the book!
. Rewarded 4
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Great job
I don’t agree with the others who said the beginning isn’t engaging. I don’t see anything wrong with starting out slowly; as a reader I was interested to find out where she was and what was going on, so I appreciated the way you started out. We don’t need a story to be full of action the whole way through, because that would be boring in itself.
I look forward to reading more; there are a lot of possibilities as far as what you can do with this story.
. Rewarded 8
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Wow, that was good. It shook me up and yeah I definitely want to learn more. You wrote it well, including good vocab, scenery, emotions, and build-up. I can't wait to read more! Awesome job!
. Rewarded 4
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Wow, that was definitely...scary. I was literally shaking at the end. The beginning part had such vivid descriptions- as did the rest of it- and, just, wow. Your vocabulary was mind-blowing, and the build-up to that final sentence was incredibly perfect. I definitely want to read more, so I'll keep an eye out in case you post more.
Amazing.
♥sarah♥
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for your entry. Wow!! This is a great beginning and has me hooked. I will be looking forward to future chapters. I am not necessarily familiar with some of the locations, but it didn't matter because the story moved quickly and was pretty gripping. Always a sign of a good story in my oppingion
Best of luck in the contest. -
Man, this is great.
The expressions and the last line got me scared.
It was as if this is real and happening.
I felt as if I am with her.
Please tell me more.
Please!
What can I say about hthis story?
It is Great!
So real!
Wonderful!
Beautiful!
Fantastic!
Anything left?
If so, I'll add "..."
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Really great description, it really made the story come alive! The whole building up of the plot was really great, and left just enough suspense and shock at the end, great job!
. Rewarded 4
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Wow, the phone just rang when I just got done reading!!! It scared me!! LOL Yes, I deffinitley want to know more!!! You have very good imagery! I just picture it!! These are some stories that I'm not really interested in, but yours was very good! Keep it up! I love it, and I want to know what happens and what happened!!
. Rewarded 4
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Very nice. Very well done.
I like this alot because of the description. It's very suspenseful, but I love it. I'm want to know what happens next. Very Very Well Done.
. Rewarded 4
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Great beginning.
To be honest, my first thought when her husband wasn't there and the bed was small and she felt metal, was that she was in a hospital and the 'Plink' was from a monitor of some kind. Maybe because that's happened to me before and it was similar.
When I realized where she really was I wondered why she thought otherwise. To find out she lost eight years of memory was the clincher. Either way, I was totally into the story from the start.
While WillyLee made good observations, I have a question. He didn't mention the word gaol. I thought it was a misspelling of jail. Is it actually an abbreviation of a type of facility?
Otherwise, it should be jail. lol
I thought this was a great prologue. It got my attention at the start and kept it throughout. The last line has me wanting to read more.
Greg
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Actually... 'gaol' is the correct spelling - especially in my corner of the world. We use British spelling here in Australia. It's pronounced the same as the American version, and means the same thing. Next few chapters I'll include words like that in my author's notes so I don't confuse too many people.
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although the first three paragraphs did start kinda slow. jst thought id add that
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She is merely waking up at that stage - she hasn't realised at that point that anything has changed. With that sort of noise, you don't wake up suddenly - you gradually become aware of how annoying it is. The slow is to set the scene so that when the first panic comes, the reader fells it as well.
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whoa this is great! it really got me when she reached over and her husband wasnt there and after that i was taking in this story like an addict snorts crack. I really want to know what happened and why she doesnt remember killer her husband. great write!
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wow. has that been said yet? no? okay then. WOW!!!
This was scary and creepy and I couldn't read it fast enough.
There better be more where this came from. *shakes imaginary 'impatient fist'*
Great opening scene and the cliffhanger ending was perfect.
You, you have a gift my friend. Yes you do.
Great read. Oh and good luck in the contest(s)
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This quiet scared me I will admitt. It confused me a bit at the beginning but as part of the story. Then when my imagary started to shine I saw exactly what I needed to see. I thought that the way it was set up, and scened out was well written and I look foward to reading more: especially with a cliff hanget like that XD
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This could turn into a very good novel, but I don't think this prologue is really engaging. I am fine with the fact that you are starting with an idea (possible murder with amnesia) that has been done many times before; I just think you need to do more right from the get-go to make this particular case unique and interesting. Katherine's reaction seems subdued, considering her circumstances. I think you need to convey more relating to Katherine's character and feelings. This might be difficult, because she can't even remember the recent past and there are no other characters yet that she can relate well to. An alternative approach might be to cut the prologue to about half the length it is now, focusing only on Katherine's confusion and fear upon waking up in strange surroundings.
For a new story that hasn't yet been commented on, there are not many grammatical errors, but there are a few: paragraph 8, "rolled on her back" should be "rolled onto her back." p. 10, expense should be expanse. p.11, the first "her" should be "she." p. 20, curtainless is one word (I think but I'm not sure). P 24, again, I'm not sure, but I think "sunk" should be "sank." p. 37, you might want "respected" rather than "respectable." p. 39, since the narrator's voice is not Katherine's, the term "lose it" seems out of place, and could be replaced with something that more specifically describes her feelings. p. 40, "is" should be "if."
I'm afraid this story just did not resonate with me, but I appreciate the effort and thanks for entering the contest.
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woo-hoo! what fun! Great title too.
You've got such awesome dialogue between characters, this could easily be a movie instead of a work of writing. I love that the reader is swirled into the same confusion our main character is feeling. Sincerely hope you plan on continuing on this one.
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