The street was crowded with tourists and stalls selling all sorts of things, food, souvenirs, and most of all, postcards. The sight of all the people on the street calmed my anxiety, it was good to know that the world was not such a dark place after all. However, we did not stop in this little town, however much I wanted to. 1
“We have to be at Saint Ruth’s Academy by sunset.” Mr. Tamhol replied with his cold voice when I wondered if there was any chance of stopping here. This was his attitude towards me ever since I had set foot into the Society. There must have been some misunderstanding between us, but what did I do that offended him so much even before I entered the Society?2
I tried to push away the unpleasant feeling I got whenever I tried to remember my life before I was brought to the Society. The only thing I knew about my life before the Society was that I was an orphan and the Master had found me on the streets one day and brought me to the Society. They said I was five at that time, but shouldn’t a five-year old have at least some memory of life?3
“Stop frowning, Rachel.” Mr. Tamhol had broke my chain of thought, I did not realize I was frowning, and Mr. Tamhol hated it when people frown in front of him.4
“Yes, Mr. Tamhol.” I replied with an unintentionally bored tone. I sat back at my seat and looked around the car. Mr. Tamhol was driving beside me and only my backpack occupied the backseats. 5
My other belongings was shipped to the girl’s dorm at Saint Ruth’s Academy and should have arrived already, waiting for me in my new home. We were back on the ever so boring highway, flying pass the amazing Lous Mountains, the tallest mountains in the world. I still could not believe that the Society was sending me to Saint Ruth’s Academy in Lamine for school. Lamine was a remote town in the north just right at the foot of the Lous Mountains. 6
I had saw some pictures of Saint Ruth’s Academy, and it was beautiful. The school population was about a thousand students and 50 staff members, a small but elite group of teachers and students. The boy’s dorm and the girl’s dorm was separated by the main school building and the staff’s dorm was at the back, facing the mountains. 7
I flipped through the booklet again, finding nothing interesting to read I closed my eyes and rested.8
*9
“Wake up, Rachel.” Mr. Tamhol shook me on the shoulder. I woke up, rubbing my eyes and found the car had stopped in front of a gate. This must be it. I thought to myself, bracing myself for the new life I was about to live. Excitement swelled inside me and I could not wait till tomorrow when I met all the new students and teachers.10
“Are you going to come with me, Mr. Tamhol?” I asked, knowing the answer already.11
“No, I have to be back by morning.” He took my bag out from the back and handed it to me. Without a word, he went back in the car and drove away. I turned and faced the gate, pressed the doorbell, and waited for my new life to begin.12
In a list
A contest entry
- June New Member's Contest by SW Greeters.
175 points, ended July 3, 2008, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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A very interesting start to a story.
There's not a whole lot of an indication as to where this story is going to go from here, but it is very well-written, and that counts for a lot. Besides, it's only a first chapter - it's not supposed to give everything away, right? Welcome to the site!
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An excellent start to a story with tons of possibilities. It catches the attention and has me ready to turn the page. Best of luck in the contest.
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well...
Your style is a little rough, of course this is the first part of a serial, so not all questions were answered, but I felt you were a little sporadic. Certainly we'll have to read more to find out about this 5 year old (is she 5?) and her dark life, more about the master maybe as well.
Are you open to constructive criticism? If not, please ignore the next bit. *I felt it could have been a little longer, liguring on the town, how she feels and slowly slipping more information. It feels a little like yu were being hurried with this peice.*
This story has lots of potential, I'll probably be reading more as you write it - if you continue to. I hope you do.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Hello Supersam, quite an interesting opening here. The young lady is being shipped off to school—which starts out rather sinister when we discover the driver is not her parent.
You calm the reader’s concerns as the trip becomes mundane, while you slip in some information. Nice work
Then the ending brings back the big question, why does he just dump her at the gate? Suddenly my concern for her well-being is back.
Of course you need a bit of editing (don’t we all
) but not enough that it interrupted the flow of the plot.
Welcome to SW and thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Geri *Greeter*
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Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Brooke
greeter -
The only Think I knew about...
Needs a "thing".
O.O Do you have more up? I'd be interested in reading some! xD
-H -
Good Start.
p3 The only (thing) I knew about my life
p6 My other belongings (were) shipped
This is an interesting beginning and it makes one wonder what is to come. I am also curious why she has no memory of before she became a part of the Society. I would have also liked to have known her present age and more about the Society, but I guess that comes later.
Thanks for entering the new member contest.
Welcome to Storywrite.
Andy
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An interesting start to something longer. A good, solid basis to build further chapters on.
Keep writing and welcome to Storywrite.
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