Losing my grip1
On sanity2
Crying until 3
I no longer can4
Lying motionless5
In a dark room6
Thoughts running7
…through my mind…8
Time wasted9
Doing nothing10
Everything11
Going wrong12
People leaving13
People fighting14
…And all I can see is you…15
...and suddenly everything's okay..16
Author notes
:( What is my problem? I want serious critiques..because..I need help..badly. I couldn't really even think of a good title! There's not a noun for something that relaxes you..well, there is. I just can't think of it! :( I was going to call it 'My Drug' ..but, that doesn't sound very purdy.. :)
And yeah, you know who this is to.. :)
If you can't get it, there are a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. He just..calms me down.. :) I wuv him..
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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This is not bad!
i really like this,
it is a twist of depression
and love, You did a very good
job of putting your emotions in to words.
this is kick ass.
BruisedAndBroken -
I really don't think it's bad, i like it.
You don't really need a title either.
I never titled my stuff until i started this. -
well this isnt all as bad as im sure you think it is. its very simple but i think something about that adds to it. when i cant think of a good title i just read the poem and use the word that i like best in the poem like for instance i would have used... "grip" or "time wasted" i like that one.
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very good write......i really agree with dizzy about the words fitting together and it is very sweet......it must be very nice to have someone like the guy in the poem, and he must be one special guy.....but i love the poem, keep up the good work....much love, beth
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i think this is good. i dont see why you dont like it. the words fit together and the meaning is sweet as all hell. i like this. good write!
-Dizzy -
Decided i'd stop by and check up on some of ur latest
u think it sucks huh? well, i beg to differ. it isnt one of your best, but it is not the worst (not that u have worst ones lol) but yeah, if youre not happy with it, then u should change it. theyre your words and u have the freedom to do with them as u please well keep up the writing, i'll be sure to check back soon! xoxox
*kitty* -
I thought the beggining was really good. The last two lines ended it well. You might be able to change a few lines but its just as good now even if you were to change it. I don't know about the title..but nice job either way....luv ya...Dezi-ray
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wow this is really sweet. I LOVE IT SARAH!!!!!!! your so awesome and i luv u! bye 4 now
alEsta -
Hey nice write on your poem You! I was really good! Thank you for commenting on my poem! But There will be more soon! I can't wait till i read some more of your poems! I really did like it...Great work! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Mrs.Independent(heather)
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I like this! it's very neat...short lines build up so much emotion. in my opinion anywayz...but i DO like this bunches. so dont delete it *smile* yep, this was great. good work!
live and die with grace,
manda -
I still didnt fix all the spelling mistakes. all the 'you's that should be 'your's just pretend! ha, I dont feel like editing again, I just wanted to let ya know I keep missing the r key!
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Ok Ok, I like the title *smiles* Good good! Secondly, the peom was nice, but let me give you a suggestion... ok?
"Everything
Going wrong
People leaving
People fighting"
right there, I think it needs more, you build up an emotion then you just cut it off something maybe like:
Everything
going wrong
people leaving,
fighting,
crying
struggling
loosing this battle"
then... you ending would fit perfect.
"…And all I can see is you…
...and suddenly everything's okay.."
Ta da! Anyhow, it is just a suggestion, take the second "people out" and add some more emtion before you final two lines...
OK.... take it or leave it I like how you have VERY short lines, makes it dramatic -- Criss
Edited on Jul 18, 6:15 p.m. because 'because CRISS cant spell!'.
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Ah dont delete this sarah...its awesome...I love it...Awesome Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**Hannah -
You shouldn't delete didn't it! This is very beautiful Sarah, and I'm serious! You're an excellent poet and goodness, this poem just left me speechless! I can't say what I really want to about this poem just because, well, it's just superb! Great write and keep pinning..or should I say typing away!
Yours Truly,
Secret Poet -
No! Don't delete it! It's awesome, the way your emotions provoked such a beautiful poem. It's bittersweet, but good.
Keep writing,
-Jenn -
Nahh..I'm just going to delete it..I think.
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I didn't notice this yesterday. I love you so much, Sarah...and I'm glad you know I'm here for you. I hope you know I feel this exact same way about you. And about the poem, I think, personally, that you could make it better. If you want to talk to me about it, ask me about it. I still thought it was good. But you don't seem happy with it. Anyway, I hope you're doing okay, sweetheart...I love you.
Jackie -
This is adorable.
^_^
Robin -
NOT BAD NOT BAD NOT BAD... first things first.. there is no such thing as a bad poem.. some may be better than others, no doubt about it, but there is NEVER a BAD poem.. nuh uh!!! if its how u are feeling or what u are thinking.. then its not bad.. gotta accept it as it comes, cuz it is from ur heart and ur heart is not a bad place!! keep up the great writing!i loved this poem.. it was.. sad but sweet
Love Kyla -
Awwwwww... Sarah! Well, I don't know a good title for this, but Jackie must feel very special. Yeah, I know things have been pretty hectic lately... or at least for me. I'm here for ya', girl! And apparently, so is Jackie! Well, this is a great poem. It must mean a lot to Jackie... good job.
~*Samantha*~
P.S. I'm so glad you're finally writing again!
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This isn't bad at all.. It's alot like how I used to write my poems.. Except.. I sucked, and you don't. Lol. Nothing's really wrong with the poem itself, except I think you can take out some dots in some places.. Like around the "through my head" line. (Sorry, I hate dots. Diiie dots, diiie. Lol.), but other than that, I really like this poem. And it's well deserved by our one and only lovely Jackwee. It really shows how much you care for him, and how much you need him.. It's a VERY sweet poem..
I loved it, Sary, honestly!! You don't need to change much about it at all.. And there, you have my advice, ya happy? Lol.
Love you,
~Ashlee
Oh.. and I like the title "My Drug".. I think it fits better than "You".. and it doesn't sound all that NOT-purdy.. Lol. I like it!
Edited on Jul 17, 11:02 p.m. because ''.
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