I looked out the window, as rain slowly began to pour down the busy streets. The clouds looked pretty thick, so I figured it might turn into a thunderstorm. 1
“Caleb?” I heard Mark speak after a long period of silence, “You alright?” 2
I stayed quiet for sometime, thinking of an appropriate answer. I wasn’t alright. Talking about it had brought back all those frustrating memories that I had tried so hard to forget. On the other hand, watching Mark listen to me so attentively, with no questions, no judgment, made me feel better. He just listened so patiently and didn’t feel the need to have his say. It felt good, to have someone like that to talk to. There was something about Mark, that made feel…secure. 3
“I’ll be okay” I replied with a smile, “Is there anything else you need to know?”4
“So, he raped you in a hotel room...wow” He exclaimed, still a little shocked from that fact5
“I told you, he was a guest there and I was one of the waiters” I replied calmly.6
“It’s just really weird.” He put his head in his hands. 7
I got up, picked up my notebook from the coffee table and walked over to him. I poked his shoulder carefully, and he looked up with a jolt. I stepped back.8
“Oh, when did you get up?” he asked, with a grin on his face.9
“Here” I spoke as I handed him my notebook, “Since, you practically know everything already. I guess you can read this to get any details. If you want any that is."10
Mark slowly took hold of the note-book, looking at me over and over again, asking me if I was really okay with it. I nodded with a smile, reassuring him that it was alright. What more could I possibly hide. He then opened the notebook and picked a random page inside. 11
________________________________________________________________12
…It’s only been a few days since I first saw him. I was so shocked to see someone so big. He was huge! He was tall and brawny, as if he went to the gym almost every day. He had this threatening aura around him, but I was too innocent to notice it. I guess that’s why I didn’t seem to mind when he’d always tell the manager to send ‘me’ with the Room Service. I never really used to mind when he’d tell me to sit down and have something to eat with him. 13
How could I be so stupid? I had absolutely no clue.14
I just thought he was a nice person. I had never had a five-star meal, and I just thought he was those rare generous, friendly rich guys. Was I wrong, or what?15
He’s almost raped me like six to seven times now. In three days, I suppose. He’s been in the same hotel for a week and he just won’t leave. I don’t know how much I can handle this.16
He raped me again today, twice. I don’t know. It still hurts every time. Each time he gets more forceful and more vigorous. Each time I think he grows an inch and goes deeper inside of me, tearing me up from inside. He slaps me when I try to scream, hard. He makes my skin go red and it stings so bad. He kisses me as if he's trying to eat my alive. I don’t know what to do. It’s so painful. I want to scream. But I can’t. 17
He fucks me so hard it seems like each and every organ in my body is on fire, and bleeding. Bolts of electricity pass through my veins and…it just hurts too much. My heart beats so fast. I think I’ll get like a heart attack or something if he rapes me again. Maybe it’ll go to over-load and stop beating at once. I know I sound weird. But I suppose, writing it all down like this, helps in some way. I haven’t told Aqua yet. I plan to though. I might tell her soon…
_______________________________________________________________18
Mark looked up at me, weakness splattered across his face. He closed the notebook, placed it calmly on the table and got up. He walked over to the kitchen silently, slowly brushing past the light-grey walls. I guess my story had really gotten to him. I felt really bad at that point. That was why I never really liked telling my story to others. It ruined perfectly joyful spirits, just like Mark’s. 19
I followed him to the kitchen, not sure of what to say or do. I just felt so bad. I should’ve never told him. He quietly took a bag of frozen French fries from the freezer and began to fry them. I guess he coped with his troubles by cooking. 20
“You a chef?” I asked quietly.21
“Huh? Yeah, I work downtown in a restaurant” He replied lazily.22
I had broken him really bad. I had to do something.23
“Mark…I’m sorry.” I spoke, letting my auburn hair fall in front of my face.24
“Hey, it’s okay” He replied, trying to smile, “If anyone, I should be the one to apologize. That was quite a story, must have been really hard.”25
“This is why I was so scared of you. I was just too afraid. All of a sudden you were there and being so friendly and I just…” I trailed off, not able to hold back my tears any longer.26
Mark forgot about the fries and rushed over to pick me up. On my knees, I hugged myself as tears fell from my eyes. I guess I freaked him out more. He just sat down next to me. Not doing anything. Not sure if whether to hug me, or pick me up. He just sat there and slowly patted my back. I guess that was the only thing he could do. 27
Without thinking, I leaped into his arms and grabbed him for a hug. I have no idea what got over me, but I just wrapped my arms around him and kept crying. And I cried, and cried. I cried my heart out. I hadn’t cried that much before. My eyes began to sting from all the tears. I didn’t know what else to do. 28
It took him a couple of minutes, but soon, Mark wrapped his arm around me too. 29
After what seemed like hours, Mark picked me up slowly and offered to drop me off at the Orphanage. 30
*31
“Well here we are” Mark spoke, pulling on the handbrake “Your Orphanage.”32
“Thanks” I replied with a small nod, “And again I’m really sorry…”33
“Caleb, how many times do I tell you? It’s not your fault, okay?” He cut me off before I could finish. 34
“…I just wish you’d known me, before it happened” I tried to force a smile on my face, “I think you would’ve really liked me.” 35
“I like you just fine, man” Mark reassured me, “Now go! Look, your friend is waiting for you.”36
I looked towards the orphanage to see Aqua sitting on the stairs, her dark-brown hair flowing slowly in the night autumn wind. I guess she’d sat there in the rain, since she was dripping wet. She looked really tired, arms wrapped around her knees, she kept looking left and then right. I guess, Mark was right; she must have been worried sick.37
I got out of the car and walked over to Aqua. As soon as she saw me she got up immediately and ran into a hug. I had lost track of time at Mark’s place. I completely forgotten about her. I guess she must have been really concerned. I felt really guilty, so I just continued to hug her.38
“Where have you been? It’s been forever. I was so worried about you.” Aqua whispered, tears falling from her deep blue eyes. 39
I didn’t reply, just looked at asking for forgiveness. 40
“Oh my God, Caleb, did Mark do anything?” She asked in a much louder voice, “Did he…”41
“No! No…no. Mark did no such thing.” I replied, calming her down, “Mark is nice.”42
I looked back as I watched the car turned left along the long road. 43
“Well, will you see him again?” She asked me, “And where’s your notebook?”44
“Long story, can we go inside?” I was too tired to answer anymore questions, “By the way, Mark said he’ll take us to this party thing on Saturday. Okay?” 45
Aqua looked at me with a strange questioning look on her face. She must be weird about that fact that I was so comfortable talking about Mark all of a sudden.46
"We're hanging out with him now?" She raised her eyebrow. 47
"Yes we are. He's really a nice guy. I'll tell you all about it in the morning" I yawned, "Right now, I'm really tired."48
She yawned as well and nodded. I smiled at her, still feeling bad she had to wait so long. She looked so tired. She smiled back and waved good night before heading for her room. 49
I made my way to my room as well, half-tired, half-excited. Saturday was going to be fun.50
Or so it seemed, at that time. 51
Author notes
Meeeeeeehhhh!!!!! -___- I am bored!!! Tis not sooo great!
Be as critical as you want...just don't destroy me! T_T
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Aww...
I hate to hear about her pain. How horrible the way she described it in that notebook entry. And Mark is a really good character. So supportive and nice to her. I hope he stays that way.
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Oh no.
That last line made the deviant part of me jump with excitement. -_-
!!!!!!!!
How about some silly clapping men?
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Ooooh, this was brilliant! I really enjoyed it. are you gonna write more of it? It left off on such a cliffhanger, lol. More more more . Anyway, really nice sentence style and structure, and some very deep feelings in here. Such a situation. And somehow, I've got a feeling Saturday is not gonna be fun and games, lol. Hope you get some more done, if you do, message me and I'll read it . Thanks, and keep it up!
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This was sooo deep, I loved this part aswell
CANT WAiiT FOR MOREe
-MiiSi
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Not so great? it was really good. Dont worry about the punctuations.. people are just picky..xP.. I say the grammar was really good.. Great chapter.. look forward to chapter 4.
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O.O YOUR INSANE!!!
I really got deep into this chapter...more so into relization of what had actually happened to caleb and how the reacurrance of his situation...
The visiual I Must admit was brilliantly executed... not so poorly, just enough to let readers know what it must of fely like and looked like...
I think you did a really great job with this chapter !!!
*..* sorry it is not the longest of comments; Im not doing to well...but I wanted as pormised to read chapter three and I am quite glad I did
KEEP WRITING ~
Blair
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Aaez, you have torn me appart, your wonderful writting skillage is lowering my self estem. No! just kidding, but you are amazing, I love all of your stories! YOU ARE TOOOOOO AMAZING. I'm very very very glad that you leave it open for more, that way i'm not starved from lack of brilliance! (sp?) fabulous job~!
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In paragraph 2, change the comma behind silence to a period.in paragraph 3, take out the comma behind Mark in the last sentence. in paragraph 4, add a comma behind okay. also change the comma behind smile to a period. in paragraph 17, he kisses me as if he's trying to eat my? i think u meant me, right? ^^in paragraph 18, take out the first comma.take out the commas all together in the sentence starting with but i suppose.in paragraph 27 i think if is supposed to be of. this is a mistake i make frequently. ^^in paragraph 37, take out the comma behind guess. in paragraph 38, change i completely to i had completely. in paragraph 40, add the word her after at. in paragraph 46, change the first that to the.
Now for my opinion on the over-all story to date. AWESOME!!! Keep it up Aaez and please do remember to alert me to the next chapter being posted. ^_^ Wonderful job.
Icy
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.....I hate my punctuation!!!! *stabs himself*
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*unstabs* don't worry. ^_^ lol. i'm sure if anyone other than me looked at my stories they'd find a ton of mistakes. ^_^ we can't critique our own work. it messes with our minds.
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You definitely need to put more commas
But other than that, again, the emotions were just right, and Mark FINALLY knows Caleb's secret.
I can't wait to read more of this storey. You did a nice job on this. -
Hard to be critical.
This is, once again, very well done. The emotions are realistic and not over done and you have set the stage for further emotional trauma and deceit. The story structure is also very good since you are taking the reader at a measured pace and not rushing into any scenes that are not ready to be exposed. You deserve a lot of reviews and feedback.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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There were a few tiny comma errors scattered, but nothing major. (Always put the negative first, can't help it!)
1) GREAT emotions!
2) I love, love, love, love, love, love that last line! SUCH a cliffhanger, makes me crazyyyyyy!
3) The notebook bit was really well done. It was a snippet of a diary entry which really lets you see into Caleb's head.
4) I love that his friend cared so much about him to even wait in the rain...
5) Lastly, tis just love.
All in all, I really liked this, but I think the preceding parts are much better. With Mark being a non-creep there's nothing really edgy about what Caleb's doing. Or.. so I thought until I got to the last line..
More, please. =]
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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COMMAS! I MUST PUT MORE COMMAS!!! @_@
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Yes, yes you must. I have an illegitimate love affair with commas. Shhhh.. You should develop one, too. Commas and grammar are whores. Love them. =] (Analogies help me.. >.>)
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oh no!!!!
OR SO IT SEEMED? OR SO IT SEEMED? oh no oh no...bad feeling...bad feeling..ARRRGHHHH! lol... *calms down* well this is so good im so into it you have to continue OMFG OMFG CONTINUE god damn it! lol! I loved it...
P.S.
once again..this is Marion Du Coudray. I am on my BF's account!
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You say this isn't good, ut I think that it was a great chapter ^_^ I could really, really empathize with the characters the whole time. You have a knack for getting their emotions across really well
Okay, okay. Some editing. Not that much this time, ratoot foar you!!
♥ (1)In paragraph five, you need either a comma, period, or dot dot dot after "wow" (hehehe, you get OPTIONS *sparkly eyes*) and another one of the three after "fact". ^^ And, the same thing in paragraph six after "waiters". It happens a few times more in the story, but I'm too lazy to name them all
♥ (2)"It’s just very weird.”
That might sound a little more natural if you said "really" instead of "very".
♥ (3) "Mark looked up at me, weakness splattered across his face."
There's nothing wrong with that, I just wanted to add it in because it's a really awesome sentence
Okay, okay, I am 98.7% sure that I hate Mark. I really hate him. I want him to go away so that Caleb can be protected from him, 'CAUSE YA KNOW WHAT? I THINK HE'S A BAD GUY
>.< I just want to huggle Caleb and make him stay away from Mark >.<
♥ Alexman ♥
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Isn't 98.7% a rather exact figure? Thanks!
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Very nice, Mate, very nice... though I am still not sure about Mark... he still freaks me out.
Great story though! I liek this one alot!
Damian
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sweet
continued it pretty well, and smoothly brought the story into a sweet but unnerving conclusion. now we wonder whats next!
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This was wonderful....a great chapter. Explained alot and brought more life to the characters. Very well done ! I look forward to the next chapter! Good Writing! Durian.
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aaez!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i like this 1 da bestttttt yaaay!! damn gooooood i love calebs characterisation & dialogues! wooot
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