Rhea Silvea's Diary - What Happened Before Romulus and Remus

UNDER REVISION

Have you heard of the legend of Romulus and Remus?

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  • SoundInkMusic
    March 5

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    Yes, I'm familiar with the legend It is quite popular throughout other places in Italy as well (the city of Siena, for one, has its own version). This was a very fun read, and an interesting take on the origins of Rome's legendary founders. A few things caught my eye that might benefit from a little tweaking: the entry with Mars sometimes slips into the present tense (usually her lines) but parts are in past-tense (his lines). I think it would work best to just have that whole scene in one or the other (present -could- work, though past might be easier; anyways, 'tis up to you, of course ). Also, in p15, Mar's use of the contraction "I've" seemed a little out of keeping with his general formality - perhaps change this to "I have"?

    Last thing isn't a grammar-type suggestion, just something that came to mind. I think it would be a nice touch to use the Roman names for the months of the diary entries; not by any means necessary, but I thought I'd put it out there for consideration . You can find their names here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_calendar and it'd probably be best to use the early version of the calendar. Anyways, that's all for suggestions. Nice work with this one, I enjoyed it


    • checkmate-
      March 8
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      Thanks for the comment The Roman calendar idea is great- do you mind if I use it? Also, thanks for pointing out the present vs. past tense errors - I hadn't caught that.

      -Paradox


      • SoundInkMusic
        March 8
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        Certainly, go for it! I'm happy to have been of some help. Nice work with this story =)


  • DeadlyTurnip
    June 5, 2008

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    Just a thought, the amount of time between Mars's coming and the twins being born isn't nine months. Just being a detail freak.

    Otherwise, I love this! You better get a good grade

    -Heart