Artimus crept through the shadows without making a sound. The streets were dark and empty, except for a few drunks. What little light there was came from the windows of a large mansion, to which he was making his way. He moved along the buildings opposite it until he found the base of a towering house. 1
Artimus looked the structure up and down. It had been made with remarkable craftsmanship, providing no footholds.
He carefully felt the wall, looking for even the slightest niche he could use to his advantage, and finding a small groove, one that would not be noticeable to any but the most adept, began to make his way up the wall, quickly and skillfully, as if climbing was as natural was walking.2
Artimus was now level with the fifth story of the mansion, and as he leaned forward to peer into the windows his face was revealed for an instant, dark and handsome, with black, shoulder length hair, green eyes and a thin scar that ran from his eye to his mouth. Instantly he bowed his head and his face was hidden in the shadow of his hood. It was never good to have your face exposed for more than in instant in a game like this.3
He tensed, and leapt across the street and into the third story window of the mansion, landing quietly on all fours like a cat. Straitening, he listened intently, making sure the house hold was unaware of his presence.4
Confident he hadn’t been detected he crept down the outer corridor, which looked down upon the street. Turning a corner, Artimus crept stealthily up a flight of stairs leading deeper into the mansion. He was quite sure he wouldn’t run into any trouble(he had special information that only two people currently occupied the house).5
He was on the fourth story now,and knowing exactly where he was going, continued until he reached an intersecting corridor. Quickly, he backed into a dark corner, his dark cloak concealing him, as a door opened to the left and a servant emerged, carrying a basket full of clothes. 6
The wench didn't know what happend. As soon as she stepped out, Artimus hurled a throwing knife, which embedded in her throat and she sunk to he knees clutching her throat as blood poured from her wound, seeping between her fingers, and pooling about her, as she lay writhing upon the ground, struggling to breath and emitting horrible, gurgling sounds. Finally, she went still, laying face down a pool of her own blood. Satisfied, Artimus knelt down and pullled the throwing knife from the woman's throat, and wiped it on her sleeve. He stepped over the corpse and proceeded to the third door on the right. 7
Sliding his long, jeweled dagger from his cloak he eased the door open till he could see through. Sitting at a desk with his back to the to the assasin, sat his target. 8
Artimus squeezed through and crept stealthily toward the man, putting a hand over his mouth, and jerked his head back, cutting his throat. Artimus’ eyes widened in surprise when a thin wisp of black smoke flowed from the wound and the body began to dissipate into thin air. 9
“I have been expecting you,” came a voice from behind him. 10
The assassin spun around quickly, holding up the dagger to defend himself. Standing in the doorway stood the real Nocturne Du Malious, the man whom he had been sent to kill. He was a tall, handsome man, with pale skin, a narrow nose, and white hair flowing down to his elbows, and deep, mesmerizing blue eyes. He carried the look of one who knew something that you did not, an interesting secret that you are not capable of understanding. He wore elegant robes of many colors that dragged upon the floor. 11
Du Malious smiled, a faint curve of the lips. “Surprised you did I? I was aware of your presence the moment you stepped foot in my home.”12
“Wizards,” snarled Artimus, “I knew it seemed a little too easy.” Artimus put his dagger back into his cloak and unsheathed his sword. The blade gleamed in the candlelight of the room, the ruby set in its pommel glowed in the faint light. Du Malious laughed. “Fool, do you think you can beat me? Do you really think that you can defeat Nocturne Du Malious, Mage of Shadows?” 13
They began circling, Du Malious smiling that faint smile of his, Artimus glared at him, eyes searching for some kind of weakness in wizards defences. “Do you think that a simple street urchin, such as yourself can beat a great wizard, such as I?” 14
Artimus said nothing, but lunged suddenly at the wizard. Du Malious easily dodged the blow and sent a curse flying at the assassin. Artimus dropped down immediately into a roll, the curse narrowly missing his head. 15
Artimus came out of his roll in front of the wizard and launched another attack at him, slashing at the main artery in his neck. Du Malious vanished, only to reappear behind him. “Artimus, Artimus,” Du Malious whispered in his ear, “you should know better than to mess with a wizard.” Artimus, gave the wizard a contemptuous look, from over his shoulder and remained silent. He had a fierce hatred for magic and the cowards who used it.16
Artimus spun around, swinging his sword at the wizard, but stopped short, as a flash of white light suddenly appeared, blinding the assassin momentarily. When his eyes cleared, he saw before him, a sword, hovering in mid air, level with his face. Du Malious sneered and said,” I like to play with my food before I eat it.” 17
He jerked his arm and the sword flew at Artimus’ face. Artimus swung at the sword with all his might and sent it flying backward a few feet, but it flew right back at him. Artimus dodged, parried and did everything he could to avoid the sword, backing slowly into the wall. The wizard wasn’t skilled with a sword but it was impossible to get at him as he played puppet master from across the room, waving his hands this way and that. Artimus felt his back touch the wall, parried the last blow dealt by the sword and ducked as it stabbed at him, and the sword stuck in the wall, quivering.18
Artimus leapt across the room at Du Malious, sword raised above his head and swung with all his might. The wizard brought up a shield before him, blocking the blow, and sending the assasin stumbling backwards. With a wave of his hand like he was swatting a fly, the wizard sent an invisible force slammening into Artimus’ chest, knocking him to the floor. He got to his feet, but was struck by another blow and was sent flying across the room. Artimus leapt to his feet once more, at the same time hurling, skillfully aimed throwing knives across the room. 19
With a wave of his hand, Du Malious sent the knives flying back at him, but Artimus dived to the floor, coming up in a roll, and slashed out at the wizard. Shock mingled with pain filled the wizard's eyes as the keen-edged blade sliced open the his chest and knocked him to the floor. Du Malious tried to cast one last spell, but before he could, Artimus thrust his sword into his stomach. 20
The wizard gasped and rolled over on his side, coughing up blood. He looked up at Artimus and uttered his last words, “You shall pay...” Then went still. 21
Artimus bent over and wiped the blood from his sword on the robes of the wizard. He stood and walked from the room, passing back through the ajoining corridor stepping over the body of the serving wench, went down the stairs, and crawled back down the side of the mansion, blending into the darkness of night, satisfied with the work he had done.
Author notes
Collaberators: rubixcube, who did most of the writing and crimson12100 who helped alot with the editing and ideas for the story and this story wouldn’t be possible without him.
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Comments
1 - 44 of 44
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nice
I enjoyed the story, but I'm confused on why you call it a Prologue. It reads more like an opening chapter.
JJ
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I liked your story. YetI asked for demons from nother world, whih cost you 5 points. (85/100)
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I like it. Kind of reminded me of the assasin's view from....aw dang it, I forgot! It was unique and I was impressed how you mixed magic with strength - also how you didn't make your character invincible. Great job, keep writing!
. Rewarded 4
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probably the person your thinking of is Artimus Entreri from the Legend of Drizzt book series
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Nope, never read that series before. It was just a book I read about a month ago that had an assasin who fought magic with strength. All I know, is that this story was good.
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Overall it was unique and great. I like the storyline.
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Nice.
Alright, it was pretty good. I liked the general idea. The concept was good. My suggestion would be to reread what you've written or get someone else to read it for you. That way you'll get all the small typos that are in there that the writer themself usually misses. Just to reiterate, I really liked it.. Rewarded 6
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this seems to jump into the story in the middle of things, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. if you fleshed this out a bit and made it more detailed it would be very nicely done. imaginative
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this seems to jump into the story in the middle of things, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. if you fleshed this out a bit and made it more detailed it would be very nicely done. imaginative
. Rewarded 4
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Good, good!
This was very nice, and I enjoyed it very much. Your wording was very well thought out, it seems, and I can tell that you and your friend really took the time to make sure that everything was as it should be. Very good.
I would, however, go over it once more; you've got a spelling error in paragraph 4 (straitening instead of straightening) and an overall lack of detail. Yes, I understood most of what you were saying, but the picture you were trying to convey was a little blurry for me. I wasn't quite sure what the mansion looked like, on the outside or on the inside, and I wasn't quite sure of the size of the room that Artimus and the wizard fought in. Those things may seem simple, but detail is the key to a great story.
Anyway, I'll stop now, before I take up too much space.
Once more, very nice, and keep up the good work!
. Rewarded 8
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I didn't see much point in killing the servant, if anything he should have let her go, any guard roaming the halls would find a corpse a bit of a giveaway that "Hey somethings afoot."
Also, your character is almost a blatant rip-off of the R.A. Salvatore Forgotten Realms character Artemis Entreri, pretty much right down to the name. Other shocking similarities include the use of jeweled daggers and swords, as well as hatred for wizards.
Just throwing that out there.. Rewarded 8
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there were no guards roaming the mansion, its a house. Im aware of teh similarities of teh R.A. Salvatore stories and we are going to change the name, however i cant count the number of characters with jeweled daggers or swords
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"The wench didn't know what happend. As soon as she stepped out, Artimus hurled a throwing knife, which embedded in her throat and she sunk to he knees clutching her throat as blood poured from her wound, seeping between her fingers, and pooling about her, as she lay writhing upon the ground, struggling to breath and emitting horrible, gurgling sounds." that was soooooo cool! I loved that part. I saw little spelling errors if not none, and no gramaticle errors! great job with the story. can't wait till I read anothere one of your works! great job.
. Rewarded 8
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i had to change that scene around many times before i was satisfied
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this was awesome! i think i actually felt the tension building up to the battle, and i dont usually do that when i read online. i think this was an awesome story and you gotta keep this up because it was awesome! let me know when you do the next one!
peace
. Rewarded 6
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it will be a while before i am able to finish it cuz i am very busy and currently on vacation, im just checking out whats going on.
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very cool. keep it going i'l read it
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Looks great, interisting story line, I didn't see in a spelling mistakes but hey! don't trust me I'm just as bad!
Maybe have a few shortened sentences in there to amek it a bit more fast paced.
Cheers,
keep it up!
. Rewarded 4
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He was on the fourth story now,and knowing exactly where he was going, continued until he reached an intersecting corridor.
**awk. Maybe split up into sentences
The wench didn't know what happend.
**CHECK YOUR SPELLING!!!!!! Maybe didn't have a chance to know..
When ever you say "which" it slows down the plot. Don't include it saying where the knife embedded.
Sitting at a desk with his back to the to the assasin, sat his target. 8
*Vary word choice. CHECK SPELLING!!!!!!
Artimus, gave the wizard a contemptuous look, from over his shoulder and remained silent
**I think your trying to put too many things in one sentence
I don't get why all the attacks towards the wizard failed and the last one succeeded. Maybe somehow put the wizard at a disadvantage like a noise catches his attention to get him off guard.
A very compelling tale! My only criticism is your grammar and spelling in some places. Just read it out loud and use spell check
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the assasin is just super skilled and was able to get at the wizard, in spite of the wizards powers.
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i always use spell check, it never seems to catch anything
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As I read this, I sometimes felt that the prose was saying more than it really needed to get the overall idea of what was happening across. For example, in the first paragraph:
"Artimus crept through the shadows. Except for a few drunks, the streets were dark and empty. Faint light shone from the windows of a mansion. He crept along the building opposite it until he found the base of a towering house."
Here are my reasons:
- The word "crept" is a quiet words, a silent word, (It isn't stommped, or stumbled, which imply sound), so "Without making a sound" feels redundant.
- Making the light and window line active instead of passive, descriptively by making the light "shine" (Or "glow", maybe).
- if it's a mansion, it's probably already large, since that's the definition of mansion - large posh house.
- "to which he was making his way" = I thought the context made it clear that he was trying to get to it.
So yes, those were my thought processes. I'm not saying that my version is necessarily better than yours, but it's different, and for me, it's more focused. Generally, I am a strong believer that in a story every single word should directly contribute to the story's focus, every sentence aimed at moving the story forward. Just some thoughts, here.
Reading the story I followed the character as he scaled the wall, wondering at his purpose. Since the title of the piece is Artemus the Assassin, I was guessing that he was there on an assignment. Ouch, He killed the servant. Well, that probably indicates that he isn't all too positive a character, since he decided to kill a defenseless servant girl instead of hiding from her. I'm guessing he put away the throwing knife before drawing his dagger? (since it would take one free hand to cover the target's mouth)
A bit of an interlude for critique:
I'm not really finding it easy to imagine the setting. I know it's a mansion, but those can vary greatly. I realize that the action is deliberately put to the fore, but action tends to be much easier for the reader to "see" if the stage is set out, so to speak. So far, I can compare what's happening to a play set out on a black stage, where the propless actors are the only things seen.
I also noticed quite a few typos and misspellings, especially closer to the end. A Word program will catch most of these, and there are a few free internet spellcheckers, if you don't use any writing programs to type up the stories.
Back to the story.
Haha, I like his name. very dramatic - Nocturne and Malious (from Latin "mal" which means "bad"). I'm guessing this is the bad guy. Hehheh. I enjoyed that the story described him. Now I have a fgure to match the character.
He seems a tad full of himself and melodramatic. His little speech - well, it made me wrinkle my nose. It reminds me of those very old movies where the bad guy laughs maniacally and twirls his goatee. I really can't imagine anyone talking like the characters talk. Seems a little odd and unnatural.
In Paragraph 16, the wizard reappears behind the assassin, and the assassin gives the wizard a look over his shoulder and remains silent? Honestly, if this was me, I'd be rolling away as soon as I realized my enemy was behind me, not shooting him glares. That action of spinning around felt a tad belated.
Smart move on Artimus' part, getting the sword stuck in the wall. And ouch, the assassin is realy getting the worst of the fight. First a sword, then thrown away, then the knives. And then ha! It's over. Very nice. Though I wondered, did the slash across the chest dig into the wizard's chest? Because a stomach wound, while fatal, can take a very long time to kill. But yeah, I guess shock would make the wizard lose consciousness, so it fits well enough.
So overall, very nice action sequence. The odd thing though is that I still have no idea about the assassin character - what I mean is that despite the fact that this chapter was all about him, the only thing I know about the character is that he is proficient in killing/fighting and that he doesn't like magic users, thinmking them cowardly. I really don't know anything more about him, and thus don't really care for him. Perhaps that will come with the next chapters.
So yes, just a few thoughts; hope they're useful.
Good luck writing,
Solidarity
. Rewarded 8
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thanks for your comment. Yes it does explain him in the beginning of chapter 1. i tried not to give away his identity until he goes for nocturne, and the part where the sword gets stuck in the wall was just part of my brilliance *smile*
misspellings? i went through word processor and have been over it 5 times since, so i thought i had it all corrected. damn, im ganna need to back again.
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I love it!!!! It's great!!! Keep writing!!!!
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He carefully felt the wall, looking for even the slightest niche he could use to his advantage, and finding a small groove, one that would not be noticeable to any but the most adept, began to make his way up the wall, quickly and skillfully, as if climbing was as natural was walking.
**Break up the sentence. If your trying to make the effect that it is a continuous motion, I still think it would be better broken up.
Artimus was now level with the fifth story of the mansion, and as he leaned forward to peer into the windows his face was reveal
**Period. His face was revealed for an instance
more than in instant in a game like this.
**Find syn. for instant
In paragraph four, need to say leapt across the street into the
Confident he hadn’t been detected he crept down the outer corridor, which looked down upon the street
**comma after detected.
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I'm sorry, but I have to go to a tennis game. I will pick this up when I get back. Me leaving does not mean I am not interested in your story.
. Rewarded 8
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Great Story! loved it!
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Excellent. Much improved!
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thanks i spent alot of time on this.
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...............this is AMAZING.....i am speechless.....
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lol, speechless or lazy. jk
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!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'LAZY'?????!!!!!
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u seem 2 lyk wizards!!!!
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wizards are cool but assasins are cooler
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Nice one Rubix.
Well, I don't see the point of going through any lengthy critique, as that's already been said. So I think I'll leave you with: Very good, my friend. I enjoyed this a lot, I have to say, I much prefer it to your ruby whatsit story. This just has that feeling of epic coolness about it. 
I likes Artimus, cool guy (I read your char sheet for him, and very much like the sound of him). And, even better, the only cliché I really noticed, was the scar on his cheek, all the cool semi-bad chars have a scar down their face. I was thinking on that, if you wanted cool and unique scar, do it smack down the middle of his forehead and nose. That would be pretty cool. Well, I think it would.
Look forward to more!
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lol, smack in the middle of the forehead?
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omg soooooooo kool!!!!!!!plz keep writin it!
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I just want to point out a few more. This is unbelievable...but if you can stanch the bleeding now...I will have helped you a great deal:
P6 HE...(5 times!)
Corridor...twice
Dark...twice
P7...embbeded = embedded
repeats: her throat...twice IN THE SAME SENTENCE!Then, once more!!!!!
Don't use the "deadly" cliche: "eyes GLAZING over"
"about her now" PERIOD! Then, new sentence.
"Satisfied COMMA Artemis etc.
"Throat"...again!
womans = woman's
P8 dagger again...#3 (I let it go before...but now...it becomes TOO much!
door...door...P9...door again!
throat...throat
DO YOU BEGIN TO SEE?
Let me know when you get over this! Please.
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Work on these repeats...I repeat...STOP WITH THE REPEATS!
CoLLaborators! L (please insert this where it belongs!)
Story PERIOD. New sentence: This story...etc.
P2..."few drunks" lose "but" "who were of no concern"
Try not to repeat words. Standing out here are too many "he's" and the word "mansion." (Just say: "the buildings opposite"...you need not repeat "mansion!"
P3...Now you repeat "building"...(this seems to be a habit with you, as I recall)
"slight!" (repeated once more...very next sentence!)
omit "one" and the comma
"but the finest" finest what?
Repeated: make his way...made his way! (Why do you do this? This is BAD HABIT! You must be AWARE of this!
was walking = as walking
P4..."piercing green eyes" has somehow become quite a cliche. Watch out for phrases like these which tend to be heavily overused. Don't exaggerate. (Did YOU ever know anyone with "piercing green eyes?" PIERCING? Lol!
"once again hidden" When was it LAST hidden?
You repeated INSTANT and INSTANTLY (and FACE) (You CONSISTANTLY DO THIS. Please stop. Once more...and I'm quitting.
P5...Straightening (spelling)
You did it again: DETECTED!...DOWN! I'm quitting!
Work on this please. Otherwise...it sounds silly to a mature reader. WHEN YOU CLEAN THIS UP AND ELIMINATE YOUR CONSTANT REPEATS...I WILL LOOK AT THE REST.
GA
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wow rubix, that was a really nice prolouge there. i liked how discriptive and detailed everything was, makes me want to go back and re-read my stoires and change a few things. good job! ;D
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Wow!
I really liked it! But I have a few comments to make that might help in the future. In paragraph 5, you used the word "detected" too much. Try to substitute words in that would replace "detected".
Paragraph 6. you said Quickly, backed...
Did you mean Quickly, he backed...
Paragraph 7. You said ...and she sank to her knees, clutching her throat.
I think it would sound better if you said. ...and she sank to her knees; clutching the wound as the blood poured from it, seeping through her fingers, staining her clothes. She gasped, struggling to breathe...
I also LOVE the name Nocturne Du Malious, it ROCKS!! I would also like it if you described him more, it would make his character seem more real, pulling the readers in as you tell them about him. Also again, as many people have said, describe the fighting scene in more detail. It seemed a little rushed, when you could have described it more, and used their names more often so readers didn't get confused.
Other than those things, it was a VERY GOOD prologue!! I can't wait for the rest!!
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Hi Rubix
wolfcub's comment was longer than the prologue
It would be easier to read if you had a blank line between paragraphs. The fight scene was a little confusing. You could use their names a bit more there. It seemed a little rushed, you could have more description and detail. As a prologue, it is setting the mood for the story.
Andy
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lol, the comment was longer wasnt it? but yeah i do need to go back and do that, my co writer is really supposed to do that, but i cant blame him because i tend to rush things.
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As this is a reasonably long piece, I'll comment how I normally do! Basically, quoting your words and saying what I think shoould or could be changed. As I go along!
2. "of no concern" it sounds a bit odd. maybe 'little consequence'? Or rephrase it so that it makes sense because I had to read a couple of times to understand that the drunks didn't matter, not the emtpy street!
"to(wards) which he was making for". Does NOT make sense! 'to which he was head[ed/ing]' or 'which he was making for'.
"he crept along the buildings". You just used crept, so maybe try another verb here? Or, as 'along the buildings' doesn't tell you whether he was on the ground or rooves, maybe you could repeat the entire "he crept though the shadows"?
"which had been made with remarkable craftsmanship, and didn’t provide many footholds." I don't really like the phrasing in this. Try "which, due to the craftsmanship with which it was made, provided few footholds." Again, it clarifies what the clause is referring to.
"No one could be seen peering from the windows of the mansion so he began to ascend the building quickly, and skillfully." "Nobody could be seen peering from the windows of the mansion, and nobody could see his skillful ascent of the building." A slightly more interesting way of putting it.
"climbing like a cat in a tree." "scaling the walls (with such ease) as a cat climbs a tree". Making a decent simile magnificent!
3. "story" = tale "storey" = level! (slight typo!)
"to peer into the windows his face was revealed for an instant, dark and handsome, with long black, shoulder length hair, piercing green eyes and a thin scar that ran from his eye to his mouth." try "to peer into the windows, his hood slipped, revealing a dark and handsome face, set with piercing green eyes and framed by black shoudler-length hair, the light exagerating the narrow scar that ran from his [state left or right] eye to his [adjective] lips."
"and what had been revealed was once again hidden in the shadow behind the hood of his cloak." This one is OK as it stands, but may benefit from rephrasing, depending on how you feel. "hiding the features in the safety of his dark, hooded cloak"
4. "suddenly and leapt" I would chage the 'and' to ', then'
story -> storey
"like a cat" You've just used a cat as a simile. Unless this is really significant, which I don't think it is, get rid of either simile or change the animal in one of them.
"straitened up listening intently, making sure " straitened -> straightened. 'up, listening'. the comma is important! I would change "making sure" to 'to be sure'.
"When he was quite sure he hadn’t been detected" I would change to "when he was satisfied" to avoid unnecessary repitition.
"leading deeper" Either 'which lead' (ie the stairs lead) or 'heading' (ie. he was heading).
"He was quite sure he wouldn’t run into any trouble." Try, "he was confident, as always, that he would not run into trouble." From what I understand of the character, Artimus is never caught, so this would show that. It also gets rid of yet another 'quite sure'!
5. "story" Dear me!
"corridor when" 'corridor, when'
"servant carrying a basket of clothes emerged" 'a servant emerged, a basket of clothes under one arm' a better picture of the servant and a more pleasant order of the words!
"but no sound escaped her mouth, for Artimus threw a knife right into her throat before she could warn the rest of the household" 'but no sound escaped, for Artimus' knife stuck there, thrown before she could raise the alarm.'
I would use a new sentence for "and she slumped." so obviously get rid of the and. A shorter sentence for the violence will work better, and the current really is quite long!
"She clutched her throat and struggling to breath, emitting gurgling sounds as she writhing upon the ground, then went still" Your verbs are all over the place here! And punctuation! Try, 'she clutched her throat, struggling to breathe*. Artimus watched on as she gurgled and choked, then smiled as her writhing body fell still.' *breathe is the action of breathing, and breath is the air that is involved.*
"Blood was pooling all about her now, satisfied Artimus stepped over the wench" 'Artimus/he stepped over the pooling blood and the wench's body, satisfied by his work.' or the work he had done or similar. Make him really villainous. Make me loathe him and admire him in the same breath!
"door and the right" 'door ON the right'.
"Seated" rather than "sitting" "opposite the door" I would change to 'his back to the open door'
6. "Artimus widened the door, just enough and squeezed through, and crept stealthily toward his target." "Artimus widened the door just enough, squeezed silently through, and crept with practised stealth toward his target."
"surprise for" 'surprise, for'
7. "Nocturne Du Malious smiled" You've just told us his name. Use only the first or last name this time - probably the last as you use it in later references.
"“Surprised you did I? I was aware of your presence the moment you stepped foot in my mansion.”" "'surprise you, did I? I have been aware of your presence since first set foot in my home." We already know it's a mansion - but to Nocturne it is probably a home.
8."“Damned wizard,” snarled Artimus, “I knew it seemed a little too easy.” Artimus put his dagger back into his cloak and unsheathed his sword" Maybe change damned? It sounds a little odd - he would either swear properly or not at all in my opinion. You coud just say "wizards" - a general distaste for wizards in general - after all, I think Artimus would dislike people who cheat by using magic. I would also say 'it seemed too easy' and get rid of the 'little'. You don't need it. And he could slide his dagger rather than put it.
9. "said" Come On! There are so many other words you can use! I think he should cry it!
"and twirling his sword, this way and that" get rid of the and. 'twirling his sword, first this way, now that.'
"“Do you think that a simple street urchin, such as yourself can beat a great wizard, such as I?” " "'Do you think that I, a great wizard, will be defeated by a mere street urchin such as yourself?" More talking about Artimus' lack of respect for his opponent's skill than his own - shows that Artimus' skills are still to be feared.
"his head" whose head? Don't name them, but let me know which person!
10. "his head and swung" 'his head, and swung' COMMA!
"his like" head? nose? hair? don't make me guess! Oh, hand? Put it in! (you forgot the word!)
"struck by another block" Umm. really? or was he struck by a blow? or a blocking spell? being struck by a block doesn't make sense.
11. "dove" how many times have we wished that English grmmar could be this simple? I'm sorry to say it is actually dived! But it would be much easier if it wasn't! And make a lot more sense too!
"over on his side" he rolled ONTO his side. otherwise he is rolling on his side as a person walks on their feet. if you see what I mean.
"Then went still". you need a subject. Yes, I know who it is, but you need it in the sentence or it lacks structure and spoils the effect you've made in the last paragraph.
12. "He passed back through the corridor, stepped over the body of the serving wench, went back down the stairs, and crawled back down the side of the mansion, blending into the darkness of night." 'he passed back through the corridor, stepping again over the body of the serving wench, returned down the stairs, and crawled down the side of the mansion, bledning once more into the darkness of the night.'
That's actually a pretty good last paragraph, but you overused 'back'.
General: The plot here is fine. The beginning and ending are fine. The speech is generally good, but there's not much (which isn't a bad thing) so I can't really comment on it! Your language is good, apart from the errors I pointed out and unnecessary repitition - overused words are the bggest problem anyone can have, in my opinion. Small details like commas really do make a difference to someone's understanding and the ease with which they will read this.
I know you 'know your character' very ewll - but I've recommended a couple of ways to try and show that more within this piece. Small comments that talk about his emoitions at a certain time, or ways in which he speaks can tell me a lot about him, so make sure you put them in.
OK. This is probably the biggest comment I've ever given! The ERRORS NEED to be changed, but the other bits don't - they're just reccomendations for improving the flow or tone. I do tend to give huge comments, but I also try to be helpful, so hopefully this is helpful! -
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damn girl that is one big ass comment. The reason i want to co write a story is becuase i never catch my mistakes, punctuation mostly, and a little sentence structure, and so i need to have other people look at them, but my edtor(co writer) didnt do a great job with that. I dont agree with all the things you said need revising but alot needs to be changed and thats why i asked you to look at it. thanks for the critisism
-rubix-
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