Rain poured down violently from the heavens. The raindrops were as big as small throwing rocks. They had the natives of this southern Mexican tribal community of Toltecs in wonderment. With the sky lit up from the arrows of energy of the lightening people, along with the earth-shaking thunder from the thunder beings, the community was in a state of shock. People were securing and damming up their red clay mud encased sacred spaces and animal skin teepees. While doing this, they also continued to look above to the heavens at the mind-boggling electrical show. The theatrics above caused the people to wonder what the Great Spirit might have in store for them today. 1
White Eagle, the chief and leader of the tribe of spirit, was an older taller man of six foot one with a dark and toned body, broad shoulders, mid-back length gray hair, and a weathered face, aged by the harsh outdoor conditions of this sacred land, was in the sacredness of silence. White Eagle knew that there was something special that was going to happen today. Earlier in the moon’s cycle, he had experienced a flash of a vision of the lightening people and thunder beings. During this vision, he saw the importance of the electrical show he was now witnessing. When the morning arrived with its tears of the Great Spirit he knew today was the day that he had been shown.2
He began preparing for his upcoming journey by sageing himself and going into the tribes sweat lodge for a cleansing sweat. While in the sweat lodge he said his prayers and blessings to the ancestors, medicine people of the seven sacred directions, and his spirit teachers, helpers, and guides. As the minutes turned to an hour and a half there was a huge puddle of sweat beneath him along with a drenched body. After completing his cleansing ritual White Eagle got dressed and ready for his trek to his place of power up into the crows’ nest.3
Many moons ago he had discovered this place of power that Mother Earth’s heart beat in harmony with his own. At his rite of passage from boy to man he was instructed to find the place that resonated with his heart. It took him three rising and settings of father sun to finally understand what his father had meant by this. This was the first time he experienced a vision quest and when he received his name White Eagle.4
He started his walk, in silence, through the now muddied earth to the path at the base of the hills known as, the crows’ nest. While traversing up the mountain he came across an owl, the sign he had been looking for. This omen he witnessed once again confirmed his morning thoughts. He continued his long hike to his place of power with a bit more urgency now. Thoughts of what might be waiting for him interrupted his state of silence. White Eagle ran the last thirty minutes of his hike until he had arrived at "his" spot. He paced around for a bit calming down the rush his body began to feel. After regaining some composure White Eagle started getting mentally prepared for his upcoming journey.5
White Eagle gathered up the four stones he uses for ritual at his place of power. He laid one stone to the east, south, west and north forming a circle. White eagle then picked up the stone at the east point of his created medicine wheel and entered. With his rattle in hand and shaking it in that familiar steady rhythm he started to chant in his native tongue. While chanting he called the ancestors, spirits of the seven sacred directions, his medicine helpers and guides, along with his allies to join him in his wheel. He then put back the stone in its proper place to the east closing the wheel he had created. With reverence he thanked the spirits for joining him once again in ritual. White Eagle sat down on the earth crossed legged in the center of the medicine wheel and began his journey. 6
White Eagle always began his journeying at the base of his favorite tree, a very old mystic looking giant oak very similar to the one his grandfather had mentioned in his stories. Stepping into the tree he saw the tunnel that led downward to the lower world, the place of animal sprits, medicine helpers and medicine people. He stepped into the tunnel and started sliding awkwardly downward rocking side to side. At first he slid slowly but gradually picked up speed till he landed with a thud in the lower world. Immediately upon arrival his trusted medicine helper, Zoey, appeared to assist him with his journey. 7
Zoey was a snow-white eagle that always accompanied White Eagle on his journeys and had become a trusted and respected part of his walk on this earth. With Zoey on his left shoulder he walked slowly into this forest he now found himself. Taking notice of all that was around him White Eagle walked lightly in this realm of the lower world not knowing what to expect. Not having a clue exactly where he was headed White Eagle followed his instincts towards the edge of the forest. Trudging through the semi thick foliage White Eagle could hear running water up ahead. The closer to the edge of the forest he got the louder he could hear what he now knew was a stream. White Eagle walked through and out of the forest and what he saw brought tears to his eyes and a smile to his face.8
White Eagle stood in utter amazement at the view that lay ahead. There was a huge open meadow with a stream flowing through it. The stream came from a waterfall that ran down the north facing mountains and zig zagged through the beautiful lush valley. The stream was full of jumping salmon and rainbow trout. To the far west he could see a herd of buffalo grazing including the sacred White. The mountains extended from the north and gently curved around to the east walling in this stunning valley. Up on the eastern ridge of the mountain range stood one lone wolf staring down at White eagle. The gray wolf started down the mountain and suddenly appeared before White Eagle.9
The gray wolf began to introduce himself to White Eagle. “I am Shadow your guide to the world of darkness. Today I will accompany you into the shadows that lie ahead. It is time for you to follow the stream to where the falls create a pool and take the plunge.” White Eagle with shadow on his right and Zoey on his left shoulder walked along the stream towards the waterfall. Once he reached the pool at the base of the waterfall, Zoey whispered, “White Eagle this is where I leave you. Shadow will accompany you during your plunge.” And flew to the east disappearing into the mountain range. 10
White Eagle stood there at the edge of the pool gathering his courage to take the plunge. With one very large breath he leapt into the cold stream water. Deep down into the dark abyss of the pool he went frantically searching for where he was suppose to go. With his teeth Shadow grabbed him by the animal skin top White eagle wore leading him towards the cave behind and below the waterfall. White Eagle popped his head out of the water, gasping for air, and headed to the side of the pool of water, climbed out and up into the cave. Once in the cave White Eagle could see a flickering light ahead. Shadow said to White Eagle, “Go to the light of the sacred fire and ride the smoke to the upper world. Waiting there for you is a special being who has been waiting for you a very long time for this day to finally come. I have taken you through the shadows to this sacred cave it is now your journey and yours alone. We will meet again, White Eagle. May love, light and peace lead your heart on this sacred path of yours.”11
After a short jaunt, White Eagle found the smoke coming from a fire that was burning with not a spirit in sight. The fire was in a stoned circle pit with a cut out circular earth bench around it White Eagle had a feeling about what was to happen next and Shadow confirmed it. “This is where I will leave you to ride the smoke to the upper world. As I have already said there will be someone very important waiting for your arrival. They have been waiting many moons for this day,” Shadow said. White Eagle, the ever servant of spirit and fate, did as requested and leaped upon the lifting smoke to his unknown destiny.12
During his gentle float up to the upper world White Eagle’s mind was racing with many questions and thoughts. “Why me? Who is waiting for me? What is fate going to ask of me now? How will this affect my people? What will become of me and my people” The smoke laid him gently upon this beautiful world of clouds. He thought to himself, “It is just as my father and his father, before he had described this sacred realm.” 13
White Eagle surveyed the area seeing a large attracting energy in the form of a man in the distance. Even though he was nervous and had some fear, White Eagle knew he must go to this powerful spirit in the distance. Just as he had thought this, he stood before the being of pure power and love that now stood before him. The large and powerful essence communicated, yet without speaking a single word. “White Eagle, you have been shown the way for a purpose. All that you have learned and will continue to learn will now be tested. It is time for you to not only lead your people but to help them understand what lays ahead for all of them. The time has come for the start of the prophecy. This prophecy lies within a prophecy that is within all of men’s fate. I am The Ancient, and I now walk the good red road with you. I have been sent to Mother Earth to keep alive the hope of all peoples and the eventual coming of the fifth world of peace. It is your task to find me on earth and assist me in my endeavors.” 14
After what seemed like hours of communication, White Eagle left the upper world, via the same route he had taken to get there, back to his homeland and place of power. White Eagle was stunned and knew he had to get back to the tribe and speak with the elders of his tribe.15
Back at his home White Eagle located his eldest son, Red Wolf. “Son, after the village has been secured and fortified from the Great Spirit’s tears gather the elders at the lodge.” “Yes father, I will do as you ask.” White Eagle went to his teepee to figure out exactly what needed to be said to the elders.16
Red Wolf a tall handsome man of twenty-three with a strong dark skinned body, long dark hair down to his waist, piercing brown eyes, and a warriors mentality set out to see his fathers instructions were done to the best of his ability. He had many things on his mind today and tried to stay on task. He scurried around the village assisting those that needed it with the securing of their living quarters. The rain continuing to fall but at a slower yet steady pace was starting to cause flooding of the village. With everyone in seemingly good shape Red Wolf started on his fathers request of getting in touch with the elders of the tribe.17
Author notes
I would like an honest reveiw of the first chapter to a book I am writing. Any hints as to the way it is written or the structure ect would be appreciated.
May the Force be With You
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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From 1984 through around 2000 I was consumed by the spirit of the native people. I read thousands of books on history (the history not taught in school), poetry, biographies, spirituality and more. (Yes and I made a list of them)
This work reflects the purity of spirit I found in the best of the best works.
THIS is what you ahould publish!
It is marvelous. -
I think this is a brilliant start to a book and if you have any more posted, I would be interested in reading it. It's been awhile since I've read anything so creative, so new and so beautifully written. Thank you so much for entering this contest and good luck!
Cassie
May the Force be with You -
I Love it!
I liked this. I found it very relaxing to read. I like as always your imagery and I can picture the characters in my mind. It made me feel as if I was there traveling right beside White Eagle. I was very interested in all the things he did as he went. One thing I noticed and this is a little random was how he saw the owl. That's one of Dan's spirit guides. Just something I thought of as I read that part. Some of the questions that White Eagle is asking of himself are similair to the ones I tend to ask myself everyday. I want to see more of this because I'm also the type of reader where if I see a piece of a good story I can't wait for more. Oh almost forgot, one other thing that I loved is how Zoey and Shadow came to help him. Another great part was how Spirit spoke to him, and it reminded me of what was said when I have been spoken to in the past. Great write!!!! -
this is really good the detail wonderful thank you for entering. Goodluck-Yawgmoth
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This is a lovely write. The plot you have written out is wonderful, and the imagery is very vivid.
But this is a fantasy story, and my contest is for stories without any fantasy, but only imagery that makes it have an enchanting almost fantasy feel.
This is lovely though. And I wish you all the luck in writing this. I hope to see it on the bookshelves one day.
~Rhiannon~ -
Great!
This is very interesting so far. I read alot of books. I think a little more detail to the actions would be captivating. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great first chapter. What I mean is like when White Eagle jumps into the water. How did it feel? How long did he have to hold his breath? Draw it out a little. The sequence of events just seemed to flow from one scene to the next a little quick. I liked the flash back to his first vision quest. That was a super touch. I can hardly wait for the next chapter! Over all, I loved it and would definetly purchase a book with the title "The Ancient". -
Where's chapter two? This is really good, my only complaint is that I hate to start reading some really good writing like this, and not have the end of the story. But, writer to writer, I understand the process; I know that the words bleed onto the page at their own pace, and not at yours. Just be sure to IM me again when you have chapter 2 done!
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An excellent first chapter indeed. You bring the reader along nicely and progress the story building anticipation. One small suggestion, the first 3 paragraphs are very full of description and imagery, which is wonderful, however it tends to drag a bit, perhaps hook the reader in first with a bit of revelation of the plot, then the descriptiveness will progress with the story. Of course I am not an editor, but this is what I was thinking while I was reading it. All in all it is a great story that is obviously researched and I look forward to chapter 2.
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I like the imagry you used I am not normally into the whole Cowboy and Indain thing but this story is facinating. May I make a point though if you combine shorter sentences and make them more discriptive they really add to a peice! I love how you put eagles into this I am a huge fan of all animals ( Except Mice) This story kind of reminds me of a story I read in English it was about this indain tribe and it like lead you to think it was in the past but at the end it was really about the future the whole time! Well Anyways great write and keep up the good work!
Donnia -
impressive imagery, i would have wanted to read on for sure!
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i do not usually read stuff like this, i meaa of or relating to native americans, but you kept me captivated throughout the chapter. Also, i see that a couple of people have already written this but your sentences were a little short...
i liked this and i plan to read the next chapter.
~Dylan~ -
good
You have a very interesting and unique topic that few writers choose to write in. The only thing I found detrimental to the story was the pace of your language; I agree with ThinkPurple in that a few of your sentences seemed too short, and not quite complex enough. Still, it was a very good beginning to a story that I hope continues. -
I think this is a really good start on a story you have. I think you told it very well and did not over apply detail to the point it got mucky if you know what I mean. Enough detail to provide color but not so much you get boughed down in it. I look forward to upcoming additions.
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(electrial) show seemed to modern for the setting - light show maybe? just a thought -- good job --
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wow i like it. i wasnt sure at first, because i dont usually like fantasy. but this was really good. im actually looking forward to reading more and finding out who and what the Ancient will be. good job so far. am enjoying. was worth the read.
Blu -
ty very much for the kind words
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Excellent written. It kept me captivated untill the end of this chapter. The power of the imagery in this piece is almost magical. Looking forward to read the next chapter.
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Don't listen to the critics it is fantastic.It held me spellbound.I could see the whole thing in front of me.Can't wait for the follow up. thanks for a great read
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I really liked it, but sometimes it seems to me like a sentence is to short (ie:The raindrops were as big as small throwing rocks). And mayhaps throwing rocks should be trowing stones? Just my humble opinion. Other then that I have nothing bad to say, please keep writing.
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This shows great promise in your writing. Sounds like you have just been introduced to "Sacred Path" cards and while laying them out you derived a story. Cut down on the redundence. Watch your time line. Keep working though!!!
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This is awesome Blaze
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ty for the nice words on chapter 1 of my first ever book write.
~~~~Love and Light~~~~
~~Blaze~~ -
wow thats a really captivating story! i cant wait to read more!
keep up the good work your a great writer!
~The Desperado -
ty so much for your indepth critic of the first chapter of The Ancient. I really apprecate it.
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Well I thought it was an interesting start to a fantasy book – The opening paragraph has a few writing flaws – for instance the inverted syntax - Rain poured down (violently) from the heavens violently . You can of course us alternative grammar, as with poetry but generally speaking you need a good reason – and I would say at the start of a story – a very good reason! The shape of the paragraph is odd as well two short sentences one medium and then a long one – generally if you want action keep the sentences fairly short and longer for description – this gives a sense of ‘pace’ provided you aren’t too obvious. Also watch for word repetition (you have two ‘the community was’ in that paragraph) again unless there is some very good reason to emphasise that point.
The start of a novel is the first footsteps of a very long walk, in order that your people will take the trek with you, you need to sell them on the journey. I assume that that this is a first draft, so open to change – I personally would rethink the whole first paragraph because I think you tried too hard to fit a lot of information in… hooks first – once you have your reader hooked them they will want to know more detail but not on the first step – however this is just how I see story writing so if you disagree, remember it’s your story – do it your way!
This may seem critical but it is only because with the odd anachronism aside, once you got onto White Eagle I thought the story really sprang to life…
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Interesting
I encourage your work, despite your critics.
Well done =) -
This is the first chapter of a book, yes? You wanted to tell people who are not as familiar as you obviously are about the rituals and beliefs of the tribe, to set the scene, and have succeeded very well. I am not sure how anyone who knows absolutely nothing of these things would understand from the narrative, but it is a first chapter, and will possibly be developed further. It was detailed enough to hold the attention. The full visual descriptions of the places to which the spiritual journey took White Eagle did draw me into the experience (although you might want to make some typographical corrections, they can be distracting in an involved piece of writing like this). Good luck with the next chapters, I shall look out for them.
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crystaldust 27-01-05 17:03
I would give you full marks for trying with this one, but you need to do what newspapers editors used to call "use a black pencil". That means you need to edit out quite a lot of unnecessary padding which holds up a really interesting and exciting narrative. You could also take a look at the spell check too. You obviously can write very well, but it is a pity to spoil the effect by not bothering with spelling and editing. But keep on writing, you've obviously a lot of talent which should take you a long way. -
It could be a great story, the thing that annoyed a bit, it dragged, to long getting to the main point, if condenced a little this could be a great write, I am sorry if I sound like a kill joy, it's not the story which is excellent it's too drawn out,try and condence a little and it will be a great write
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great start
I liked it but it really wasnt me, I did like the details. -
good
well it could be a little less decriptive about everything
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