Leaving the Light Episode 1: Chapter 1

EPISODE 1: Life as We Know It. 1

Chapter 12

Let me begin at the very beginning for me. The year was 1974 and my parents for some strange reason saw it fit to have a second child. That child was born into the world, to their disappointment, female. Anthony, they had wanted to call me after my Grandfather, and so I was named Antoniette. They and everyone else always called me Toni. Go figure.3

I led a rather boring life. Well, come to think of it, it was much more exciting than my life now. At the time it was boring: get up go to school, come home, do homework, go to bed, something like now except there's no school and no homework. I was a rather independent isolated child, with few children my age in the neighborhood I grew up believing I needed no friends. I went to college, kept few companions, having only a couple non serious lovers, and one or two close friends I made my way into the business world. Once there I picked up my roots and moved on to where my work took me never letting my feet sink enough into the ground to become planted. My mother encouraged me often to go out and meet people but she set a bad example for she never moved from her chair when she got home at night. After all she was a hard worker and had to raise two children on her own. She deserved a little rest. I took this to mean that she did not need friends and hence I didn't either. There were a few weak attempts to make contact with others. One of my close friends was able to get me to go to a club a few times. Being the isolationist that I am, I was overwhelmed by the amount of people and was glad when I had the chance to sneak out and hide in my own little hole. At work and school I had always been recognized for my leadership potential. I'd be chosen to lead teams, given more and more responsibility. Despite how good I was at it, no one had any idea how much I hated the interaction with others. Having to depend on them and at times carry them through what ever problem they were in at the time. That was pure Hell to me at the time, unfortunately, I had no idea what was to come, if I had I would have used it more to my advantage. 4

But I digress, there was one other attempt I made to make friends, though it failed miserably. I tried my hand at sports. Now being the plump youth I was, I was certainly not the athletic type. As my Mother constantly said "At least it will get you out of the house." Then I would correct her that I lived in an apartment. There was a difference. I had joined my company's softball team, for what reason, heaven knows, I liked baseball and so I thought this would be something I might enjoy. The people on the team were nice, or perhaps only polite, and since it was a novice league they welcomed me. I truly didn't enjoy it as much as I hoped I would. I much rather would have liked to be sitting at home reading, i.e., learning, yet I had made a commitment, and I always have been a woman of my word. So I played softball, actually, I never really played, I always missed the ball, hardly knew what it felt to be on one of those stupid bases. Yet even with my lack of finesses, talent, or whatever, it so happened that something good did come of this time I spent at the ballpark. 5

For one dark night, the moon hardly shone. The bright lights surrounding each of the diamonds had a hard time cutting through the mist that appeared as it often did since we were near a bay. Here sitting lonely looking quite forlorn watching as others enjoyed running about the field stupidly, I myself was being watched. Yet I knew nothing of it at the time. I had caught a glimpse of the man before he moved off into the shadows of the building there, but I thought nothing of it, until the next morning.6

***7

A normal day, like all the rest, but one I will never forget, the monotony was killing me, unfortunately for me that was only a figure of speech. I had prepared for work, a little groggy since I had been up late from softball the night before, yet I managed to be on time as I headed for the door. The mornings had started to begin later as it was nearing the fall and in the dark I unlatched the lock on the door. What happened next I'm not really sure, for it happened fast. Something pushed the door in throwing me back into the room. There was a sharp pain on the back of my neck and I lost consciousness.8

When I awoke next I was not at home, in a hospital, or any place that I knew, it was dim and the air was humid. I was so dizzy that I could not even raise my head without getting nauseated. Of course, I didn't have the strength to raise my head so I had no worries about messing myself with my own sickness. My eyes darted about the room frantically, but they were unclear, still fuzzy from the deep sleep I had been in. It wasn't long before I saw a form and now with something to focus upon I put all my strength to it. Low and behold, before me appeared an old worn face that wore a cracked smile. "Ah, good you're awake and past the worst of it. He was afraid he had killed you?"9

"Who?" My insatiable curiosity had gotten the best of me and I was more concerned about what I was doing here than my health, when he didn't answer I asked "Where…?" I wasn't able to get out the rest of the question for a bloody coughing fit had taken me.10

"Water." He called to someone, then he bent down to me. "You need to take it easy." He placed the glass to my mouth and most of the water fell to the ground as he poured it through my weak lips. "All you need to know will come in time." Thinking back now, he could never have been more right.11

He labored over me for the next few days until he had nursed me back to some semblance of health, and when I was strong enough to sit that was the moment my learning began. I took in the room in all its horror and glory. 12

It was packed with more people than I could count and not one of those faces portrayed happiness. Each had a sullen and resigned look to them as if they were zombies, and looked something of the sort with the scars and limps. My first thought was that there had been a bomb that had gone off in the vicinity of my home and I was in some sort of rehabilitation center. No faces looked familiar and the scars were not fresh, these people had been here for a long time and their familiarity with one another, that I now noticed, proved that. The people huddled in groups and talked in hushed voices so that the room never grew above a whisper, almost as if they thought someone was listening, and perhaps they were. Unfortunately, my hearing had much to be desired at the time and could not hear a word that was being spoken except those directed solely at me, and sometimes not even then. Whenever I spoke, my voice seemed louder than ever above the crowd, even as I attempted to whisper.13

The glory of the room laid in the technology that I could see from my bed. The medical equipment here was like something out of a science fiction movie any doctor would kill to get his hands on, and thankfully not a needle in sight. Yet I had no idea how badly needed was these medical wonders until later. There was a second chamber somewhat large from what I could see of it. What my ears lacked my eyes made up for. There was a large kitchen and the lights shining off the hanging pots glistened and flashed about both rooms. Near the kitchen was what appeared to be an activity center with old fashioned board games. There were rows upon rows of beds that stretched out beyond my vision, and through it all were hoards of people.14

There were others in the medical facility being treated for one thing or another. Even as I sat there, one of their monitors took on a flat line. There was an onrush of human movement to the bed. Not one attempted to resurrect the patient. None of the wonderful equipment was utilized to bring him back to life, no heart pumps, not even CPR. The people just stood around the bed and looked at the poor soul. Perhaps not so poor as the sheet was pulled over the corpse's head I heard one woman say "Go in peace Fred, you've finally made it." I began to wonder exactly what I had gotten myself into. Some sort of religious cult? Or was that just their idea of a funeral?15

The people began to disperse soon after that back to whatever they had been doing before the death occurred, and I went back to watching them. I didn't really learn that much from what little I could see. Without a clock, or sun, for I could see no windows near, I could generally tell when it was time to eat by watching those approach the kitchen. The food being prepared there was in far more excess than what even this large amount of people could eat. I watched the habits of a few individual people as they would converse and interact with others, but nothing substantial came of it. It had occurred to me, from the small snippet of conversation I could catch, that these people were not here of their own free will same as I. However, I still had no clue as to why, where or how.16

As I had always been used to, not many people had attempted to speak with me. Oh there were a few feeble attempts. People came by said "Hi, I'm so and so. Everything's going to be fine. Blah blah blah." In the end they walked away and I would not see them again for a few days.17

So it had come that over that first week of consciousness in that place I had watched a lot and learned little. The entire time I had the overwhelming feeling I myself was being watched. Not once did I see anyone no matter how fast and hard I looked. I soon resigned the feeling to paranoia. The whispering about the place was unnerving enough, and the fact that no one would tell me where I was or what I was doing there just heightened my delusions. 18

I had begun another typical day. The doctor gave me drugs to help in my rehabilitation but confined me to the bed despite my desire to walk around. I had even begun of late to reject the drugs as I feared that they were feeding the paranoia, ironic no? However, in the end, no matter how strong my will to do otherwise, I obeyed. 19

Having nothing better to do I did what I had done every day. Watch the monotony around me, staring through that door to the kitchen. The next thing I noticed (which had come as a surprise to me as there was no one there a millisecond before) was a man standing in the doorway directly in my line of vision to the kitchen. His eyes were glued on me and did not waver. That alone was strange as I've never had a man look at me in such a way, as I've mentioned I was not in top physical condition. Yet he was there unmistakably looking at me with those sharp, dark, nearly black, blue eyes, and just a crack of a smile. To say he was handsome would be a wild understatement. 20

You may have heard of a movie star from the 20th century named Brad Pitt? No? He was an icon from my younger days. You wouldn't know him. Imagine someone with features carved by the greatest sculpture, strong, sharp and well balanced, yet somewhat delicate. Well anyway, the man before me put beautiful Brad to shame. If there was a mold for the perfect man, he would be the model. His long slender yet round and muscular face gave off a softness that welcomed all onlookers. His well-toned muscles could easily be seen through his thin, loose, fitting, white shirt (not to mention the nice bulges in all the right places below the belt). I found myself unconsciously drooling and thus in an awkward and embarrassing position as I knew he was watching me. I quickly wiped away the dripping saliva and watched as his smile broadened to show perfectly formed white teeth. 21

"Hello Antoniette." His voice was smooth but manly with just a touch of an English accent. For some reason I was too transfixed looking at him to notice that he knew my name. He didn't seem at all fazed that I didn't answer. He leaned on the door frame and watched me watching him. There was a type of passive concern on his face. After a moment he spoke again. "I'm glad to see you're feeling better."22

I had become somewhat suspicious of him once my initial awe passed over. "Why?"23

He shrugged with only a little bit of indifference showing. "I just wanted to get to know you, and I couldn't do that very well if you weren't in a good condition now could I?"24

Again I couldn't help thinking he had an ulterior motive for being here. "Why?"25

"You just looked to be a nice person."26

I harrumphed "Nice?" I shook my head. Now I knew there was something else going on here and I wasn't going to play his game. "Nice? That's what a person like you say's to a fat person like me when they're just trying to be polite."27

"Don't say that." He looked genuinely hurt.28

"Why?" I asked again. After all it was very true I have had plenty of experience in this at least.29

"You're not fat."30

"And you're blind as well as dumb. How do you know I'd be a nice person? I'm not in fact. Most people consider me quite mean." This too is true, but typically they would say it in a half joking manner after I have made a sarcastic remark. Now Sarcasm is a wonderful tool. I had learned how to use it sometime in high school. My youth was littered with instances to lower my self confidence and esteem. I was the bully and I was bullied. I had been riddled with jokes about my weight and it even got to the point where I had been so outcast a group of kids began to stone me. Not long after that instance I began fighting back when I could, I thought of it as a crusade, thinking I was getting rid of bullies when I became one myself. Clarification came when I had taken one hostage with their neck in my arm. It took several of the teachers to pry me away from her. It was then that I realized what I had been doing and began a tad bit better crusade. Instead of fighting others I would fight myself. I isolated myself as best I could from others, basically made myself the social outcast I became in my adulthood. It didn't happen all at once. Instances grew further apart and more mild as I learned to appreciate life in all its intricacies. They were still present and every once in a while I would find myself trying to protect myself from derogatory nick names or the like. That's when I learned how to fight back with Sarcasm, no longer did I need to use my size to intimidate people, just my words. Though as I'm well aware words can often hurt more than a fist. And if one were to equate the two, I just gave the beautiful man a black eye.31

Despite the slight setback he came right back at me. "Oh, I believe you are nice, you just don't know it, or are unwilling to believe it." Touché.32

Not willing to be dragged into a debate on my self-esteem I changed the subject. "You look like you work out often, how'd you like to be my personal trainer, then we could reduce this fat a bit." With a smile and just a touch of sarcasm he should know I was just joking.33

"Sure. I'd enjoy that." Of course I have been known to be wrong on occasion, but that one caught me off guard. 34

I blinked at him several times just trying to figure him out and go over the words again in my head to see if I actually heard him right. "Yeah?"35

His smile broadened and he pulled up a chair straddling it he looked me deep in the eyes and for a second it felt as if we were the only two people in the world. It felt as if he and I were connected in some strange way and that I knew him completely. "Yeah." He said softly. I think it was just me, but his voice sounded ever so much sexier just then. "So why don't you tell me about yourself."36

Now as I've mentioned before I've always, up until that point that is, had a problem with my self esteem, and when asked that question, especially in a job interview, I always came up empty. Outside of job interviews it was a reluctance to let others get to know me, and there was a tad bit of modesty involved as well. At that very moment all that fear disappeared. Anyone passing by might have thought me one of the most egotistical persons about as I told him proudly of my B+ average in school, and my leadership positions I had gained at work. As I went on, I went into more personal things such as my love for dogs, certain science fiction shows, and inversely the stories of King Arthur and the knights of the round table. I even went into my few friendships, leaving hardly anything out. By talking so much I began to grow tired and stopped, he looked a little saddened that I had, but I turned the tied on him. "So you've kept me at a disadvantage, why don't you tell me a little about yourself?"37

As luck would have it that's also when the doctor stepped up. "That's enough for today Bram. She needs her rest."38

"Of course." He nodded to the doctor then turned back to me. "I guess that would have to wait until a later date." He did something then that completely shocked me; he leaned over and softly touched my lips with his. "Sleep well my lady." With that he was gone, I didn't even see him walk out, but then again I didn't have to, he was still in my head. 39

I didn't pay any attention as the doctor applied a sedative to me for all I could say is "His name's Bram." Then I fell into a rather delightful slumber.40

I've always held dreams in high regard as I believe they tell one something about one's own subconscious, and therein the true reality lies. If one is lucky enough to remember them, they can obtain certain amounts of knowledge about oneself. My dreams that night, I remember fairly well, were nearly all about him. Though most pieces are missing and were by the time I awoke, I realized that he would mean something so much more to my life then just a simple passing ship. Though that could have all been a fancy, made up by my mind as I was completely infatuated with him. 41

I began asking around. Most knew his name and said he was a nice guy, but that's as far as they could tell me. I had an urge to leave my bed and search him out myself, but every time I moved the doctor was upon me. It was all quite frustrating.42


Author notes

Write Me An Original Vampire Story! by ThisIsMyWonderland
my screen name's all over the story but; tonialoise

In a list

A contest entry

Please give me your honest opinion about this.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 58 of 58

  • wolfcub
    September 30

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    I HATe he background and text combo! Get that off my chest now, and hopefully the rest of this will be praise!
    Hmmm. Not really sure if I liked it or not. It wasn't bad, but there wasn't anything that stood out to make it really really GOOD!
    The characters are OK, but I think you've fallen into the first person hole - by describing the story firsthand, you end up just telling the story. This happened and I felt like this and then this happened and it made m ehappy. Not as badly as that, obviously, but it lacks a bit of life.
    Thankyou for entering and good luck.
    (Oh, and you may want to remove from previous contests you didn't win in - there is a huge list of tehm)


  • Rosemary silver member
    August 3

    Edit | Reply

    Nice start

    I wasn't sure in which direction the story was heading. At this point it could go anywhere. I thought there was a lot of potential for the Bram character.


    • tonialoise
      August 3
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, yeah it will take a lot of twists and turns before the end.


  • dragonsdemise silver member
    August 3
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    i liked it and i like the way you choose your words, well done


  • black reflection
    July 7
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    Thats depressing why'd you stop? grr raiding your page latter i have to read the rest now.grr


  • Juniper Cran
    June 11

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    Nice beginning! For whatever reason, my parents felt the need to have a second child. Haha classic.
    I like how your character has flaws but not major ones. This doesn't seem like another hokey Vampire novel like Twilight (thank god!) Twilights gotten lame since the movie came out.

    I like how many contests you've entered this in.


  • Lekos Memory
    May 21

    Edit | Reply
    lol, I had to come back a couple times because just when I started reading it, I had to go off somewhere. So I decided to read this during class where no one is bugging me with stuff.

    You have an interesting ideas for this story. And its the good interesting not the bad. Not to mention I like your title.

    Thanks for entering this into my contest.


  • Alice Cambridge
    May 18
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    Interesting characters and descriptions!
    Thanks for entering my contest and good luck. :]


  • Valkyrie silver member
    April 30

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    Your writing style is nice and clear, and your descriptions were well-done indeed. The Brad Pitt analogy was a great one.

    I did notice a handful of typos (tied for tide, etc), but they're easily spotted if one reads thoroughly.

    Overall, I'ma hafta say I'd not continue reading this novel. The first chapter is very slow. I do agree completely with your character that going to and from school is exciting compared to sitting in that room watching the kitchen all day long, surrounded by very boring, nearly inanimate people. Little was revealed, and there wasn't any hook or the like to hold my interest to the next chapter.

    • tonialoise
      April 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for pointing out the typo, I'll have to read it over again.

      Hmmm... the mystery of it all didn't hook you huh? Well, can't hook everyone. thanks for reading and commenting though. Good luck with the contest.


  • Violette silver member
    April 13

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Hmm. I found your character very frank in this chapter-clearly what you were going for. I usually find people who write stories in the first person to lose some of the key elements that make a story great. I am glad this method was not lost on you. I was very fortunate in the fact that by giving you the chance to hand in two, I was given the pleasure of being able to read your story.

    I found myself relating to your character as I'm also what most people would consider 'isolated.' Antoinette's lifestyle really spoke to me, and I found myself hanging on he every word. It was rather like talking to myself; a most unusual experience let me tell you.
    Your sentences, language and dialogue were flawless; I honestly couldn't find a problem with them. That said, you really do have an utterly beautiful and unique way of writing. Keep it up! Oh and should you write any further chapters, please let me know, I would love to give the a shot

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.

    • tonialoise
      April 13

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much. It thrills me to hear you could relate to her so well. While I don't have the problem with first person narrative while reading, I do in games, so I can understand. In fact I write more work in first person than I do third simply because I feel I can put more of myself into it which in turn makes me hope that people can put themselves in the protagonist's shoes. Which it sound like you have, so I'm flying high right now.

      However, you might be careful what you wish for. There are indeed more chapters. Many more. The list of them can be found up above snuggled between the AN and the contest entries. To make it a little easier, here is a link to chapter 2;
      http://storywrite.com/story/230262

      Thank you for reading, commenting, and enjoying.


  • vamplover22907
    February 21
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    This is really good. ^.^ I can't wait to read more. |[].[]|

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • TheDecree
    February 13

    Edit | Reply

    LOvely

    Aaaah, gosh! This story ended too abruptly, It was very interesting. I was very glued to it, it feels like there is more to this--is there?

    Well, anyway, I really enjoyed reading this, it really, REALLy held my attention, and not all stories can do that to me. I really was intrigued by the mysterious guy, Bram, and I loved the main character. I could feel her insecurites.

    This was a great read. (: Is there more to this???


  • Toxic Valentine
    February 10
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering!


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    February 9

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    Toni is a very interesting character, flawed but not so much so that it is overwhelming. The story had a good pace and was a fairly easy read (even though my computer went down half way through and I had to start over). Toward the beginning some of the wording seemed a tad bit off but otherwise I found no flaws in the writing. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.

    • tonialoise
      February 9
      Edit | Reply
      Hmmm... I'll have to look at the wording, there was originally a prolog that it somewhat flowed into, but without it I guess I should double check how it reads.

      ugh sorry about the computer going down in the middle. I know the feeling.


  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    I LOVE how you make her flawed, but not too much. It's very leaveled compared to most peoples main character. Congrats

    Nice job on the pace of the story at the beginning, sometimes people seem to rush straight into the plot and I like how yours spent a little more time getting to know the main charrie.

    I, also, always enjoy a story where you involve your reader with "you" and such.

    I'm glad to say that by the end if this, I felt like I almost knew your characters, which is a first. I always love a story where you can see the difference in the characters.

    Like, even the minor differ from the main.

    Lovely title. Works well.

    Great job, and thank you for entering!


    • tonialoise
      February 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! Glad to hear you liked the pace and very happy you enjoyed it.


  • Ashlyn Rose
    February 7

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    you've entered this in too many contests and I hate that. But the piece itself was amazing! I felt like i had a connection with toni. She is a strong individual. Probably reflecting some of yourself.

    • tonialoise
      February 7
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      sorry I didn't see it as a requirement of your contest that it not be in a lot of other contests. The reason I enter it in so many is it is my best story and I like people to read it. I don't care if it wins.

      Thank you for reading it and commenting though.

      Oh yeah, and she is very much me especially at this point in the story.

      • Ashlyn Rose
        February 7
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        That makes me smile. That is exactly what I wanted to hear. That is what ppl don't understand they shouldn't care what I think. The person who doesn't care to win this contest and just enters it for a reader and for fun will win. Good luck...


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    February 2

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    whoa

    wow that was pretty cool a bit long for the internet but i guess i have a pretty long story on here aswell but yeah pretty cool.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • ToxicBlood
    January 30
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    Pretty cool. There were a few places you need commas, but other than that, awesome! ^_^

    • tonialoise
      January 30
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      Ah, the dreaded comma. I don't doubt there is, no matter how many times I go over it I still miss some.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


  • Renevelant.Feather
    January 30

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    This is purely amazing! I love this passage with all of my heart. "Leaving the Light" is a wonderful title. if I do say so myself. The beginning, in my opinion, wa exciting and sort of boring. =\

    But thanks for entering my contest and I wish you luck!

    • tonialoise
      January 30
      Edit | Reply
      Ok, I'm kind of confused. How can it be exciting and sort of boring at the same time? I mean can you explain more? Was the wording boring and the action exciting or the other way around???

  • ambril
    January 20
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    great

    it holds you in the story. love it. off to read the next chapter.


  • ladyjae
    January 20

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    i would agree that the beginning drags just a touch, but once you get past it the story draws you in. I would love to read more.


  • Queen Lucy
    January 12

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    O-M-G

    Your story was amazing! You have great potential and should really consider being an Author
    Lots of powerful words and amazing description!

    Poifect! (As someone in those days might say >.^)

    • tonialoise
      January 12
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you yeah, I'm considering, but haven't gotten very far with it, but it helps to have so much encouragment!

      "Poifect!" That's great! I'm gonna have to steal that.


  • lavanya
    December 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    See, charm of your story dragged me here again but this time i m thinking to give you lots of clappies which i forgot last time...very intresting start toni, though intro was bit boring and lengthy but this is the secret why further part felt good ..well done dear.


    • tonialoise
      December 24, 2008
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      you found the beginning boring? this is bad. Beginnings are supposed to be exciting and draw you in.


  • Olinda
    December 14, 2008
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    "Who?" My insatiable curiosity had gotten the best of me and I was more concerned about what I was doing here than my health, when he didn't answer I asked "Where…?" I wasn't able to get out the rest of the question for a bloody coughing fit had taken me. - that was strangely funny. this was a very good story, great description. great job!


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    December 13, 2008

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    I love the title and your talent for description is amazing.

    Hi Toni, I have to admit that while I’m not overly fond of long narratives, in fact after just so much ‘telling me what to think’ I tend to scan , this tale of yours captivated me .

    I love the title and your talent for description is amazing. Just when I was sure I was lost you came through and drew me deeper into your story.

    As for details, you certainly use them liberally. No one comes away misunderstanding your intent. So while, I have no idea, where our heroine has been taken, what was actually done to cause her condition and why she is being held, I know it is all happening .

    While it is presented as a first person narrative, it doesn’t have that ‘Aye’ Aye’ syndrome (where me, myself and I did everything ). The reader can empathize not only with ‘Antoinette’ but also with your other ‘nameless’ characters. Especially the fellow who died—I went from feeling sorrow to relief for him, and can’t tell you why.

    When you do succumb to applying dialogue, it sparks the reader’s interest, mixes well with the activity you describe, and gives life to your work.

    Perhaps, when you submit it to a publisher they will request you tighten your opening but I’ll leave that more experienced minds.

    Hope you continue to post here, since my reading and commenting is limited to my group activity—and I would like to read more of your work.

    Geri

    plot: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • tonialoise
      December 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much Geri! I'm honored that you compliment me so much.

      Yes I can understand your aversion to the "Aye, Aye syndrome" though I've never really thought about it, which is probably why I don't write like that

      I'm also really glad you enjoyed my descriptions. I've always thought this a weak point of mine so I work hard on them. I'm happy to hear that I'm improving.

      Again, thank you for commenting and the applause!


  • Dawn Bon
    December 4, 2008

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    Wow very well written. I see you have won some trophies for it too. The characters were real, and the story flowed nicely.


  • bowmore bill
    December 2, 2008

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    holds the attention

    I really liked this, the charatcers felt real and i thought the whole composition of the story was spot on...nice write


  • poetry is soul
    November 4, 2008

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    ok, i already know that this will take me a while before i can read all of it. so please have patience with me! lol.
    ok, i left off at where she fell asleep right after she stated that the super sexy hot fictional character's name is bram. i love this story so far, its super great. and dont rate my comment yet seeing as to how i still have more to read. so far, its excellent. i really really really liked it!!

    ok, so i finished it!!!! i loved it. and neglected my other entries to finish it. those vampires were cruel, and i felt the need to punch them in their faces.. they could be more like bram, jeez... well, i am going to go and read my other entries and then start reading the other parts! very good job and keep up the good work!

    • tonialoise
      November 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      hehe... well you said no length requirements I was going to put a different chapter but I figured what the heck, I'll put this one up, so take your time.

      Great, thanks for the comment and letting me know just a little ways in, I'll be waiting anxiously to see what more you have to say.


  • xXSnickiesXx
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wha-

    Woah.

    This is the first time that a story has left me breathless and blown away.

    This was so amazing....

    The details were nothing short of exceptional, I honestly felt that I was in the setting, seeing and feeling the same as the rest of the characters.

    I saw no errors that would tear my eyes from the story.

    How long did this take you to write?


    This was in a word, Incredible...

    The conversation between characters was very advanced...

    I would feel out of place if I hung around them at times Lol

    Your talent will take you very far...

    Best of luck♥

    • tonialoise
      October 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks so much, I'm glad you liked it. I can't remember how long this part took me, but the entire book took me about 5 years and 2 so far for the second book. It's kept me busy.

      Hmmm... the conversations were a bit advanced? Well, guess I'll have to work on that, I want to make them accessible to all.

      Thanks again for your review!


  • Friesian
    September 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow!

    he descriptions, the imagery, the dialogue, the body-language-EVERYTHING is exceptionally written! Wow! I am mind-blown! I just love this ad the way you wrote it! It sucked me in and engrossed me in the wonderful realistic characters and lively settings! Great job!
    -Lissy


  • Peachy
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I've read this halfway through and let me just say.......freaky.
    Toni is me. Almost every single little thing about her is almost exactly the same as me! I loved this story, the details and everything about it; just amazing!
    I'm in love with this story and Bram too
    You Have Me Hooked!
    *flops around on the floor like a dying fish*


  • GrimDeath
    August 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, very amazing read. The details and the wording work wonders on the mind. Good luck and thank you for entering.


  • NinjaJay
    August 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    hey

    that was really cool
    it kept me involved the whole time
    it was very descriptive and
    detialed
    i loved it


  • The Ruined
    August 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    WOW
    that was great
    really long just how I liked it
    KEEP IT UPPPP

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Reaver Greeters member
    June 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Very Well Done!

    in P306 ? should be before the ". This is definitly going to be a good read. Started well, was carried through with perfect structuring. The flow worked well for the story and you have an amazing way of choosing the right thing to say in your dialogues. I will definitly be reading more of this story and look forward to it! WOndeful work here! Talent shines through!

    • tonialoise
      June 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Very Well Done!

      Thanks Durian! Wow, you mean in all that you only found one mistake? Well I hope I can keep up to this standard


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    June 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like Toni's spunk. She seems like someone I can relate to which is probably what kept my interest moving through the story.

    The story moves quickly and even though the way it progresses is not shocking, it is surprising enough to keep the reader from knowing how it will unfold to quickly. It is just unpredictable enough to be interesting. that gives it a nice natural flow.

    Good story in my oppinion


  • juhi
    June 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    best , new and intresting all i can say . keep it up

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