Temptation flaxen,
a golden thread,
starts first with idea
inside the head.1
Cast out at first
but then returns
to knock again
where first ‘twas spurned.2
Knocking lightly,
slightly,
beyond mind’s door;
opening cracked,
slightly twisting fact
edging portal's slack a bit more.3
Inch by inch and quarter by quarter
softly enlarging allowance’ border,
bustling light with hidden spite
as stealthy it strengthens implore.4
Lightly lilts language rife with rationalization,
subterfuge slow colonizing soul's nation.
Dwelling dormant
slightly still ‘twill lay
undercover
by night of mind's day.5
Hidden ‘neath fallen leaves of day's living
yearning for night of it's full giving.
Giving with gusto when we not well
weakened, fall prey to dormant Hell.6
Now awakened to wreak havoc
temptation's horse Trojan now empties savage.
Flaxen thread wafting, now wrapping round swells,
emboldened now thickens to chain of Hell.7
A Hell not of demons and fire and burning
but Hell of addiction from whence none returning
bound down to the ground in fatal fraught sliding,
inert with ineptitude to stem the pining;
pining for that which temptation mimics:
pleasure's fleeting charade in eternal epidemic,
disease of distrust in portents of joy lasting,
choosing pool of pain in to be soul casting.
Casting and trashing free-willed agency
bound down in addiction with chains flaxenly
begun(but unbreaking now) birthed in slight fancy
Tell me, is it strange to not take evil lightly?18
Evil starts and begins as an flaxen thread fine
when wind of sense common delivers divine,
deliverance from fatal flaxen filament fallacious
enlarging the soul in wisdom's freedom capacious.29
So then when that thread wafts into the head
instead see the wisp with impending dread
and turn and run from that slight haired fun
that kills and destroys leaving life undone.3
Author notes
To hear this in spoken word:
http://media.putfile.com/Flaxen-Coup-Spoken-Word
Forgive the recording, this write is a damned tongue twister and I was lucky to get it all in one shot. I might try and improve it, but that's the best I got for now.
About the subversive nature of temptation
Plumeister
A contest entry
- Poetry!!!! by Shadowed Phoenix.
900 points, ended June 5, 64 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme, gimme, gimme your best Poems & Stories! by AdenRecreated.
185 points, ended July 17, 100 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I LOVE POETRY! by Sgs.
350 points, ended October 3, 127 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Wow!
This poem absolutely stunned me. It was a little confusing and distant, but it totally pulled me into the words and while I was reading I just lost myself- it was absolutely GREAT!'
Your rhyme scheme was excellent- of that, I'm jealous, because my rhyming poetry sounds like Dr. Seuss on drugs. Teach me?
I also want to gush a bit about all those excellent words you had in there- your phrasing was amazing, along with numerous descriptions and such. After the first couple of stanzas or so I brought up www.dictionary.com so I could finish the poem. I learned a lot of new words, thank you!
You definitely deserved that silver medal- in fact, I think you should've won gold, but oh well. It was still a kick-butt poem, as you said below in some other comment.
Mmmmm. I just reread it again. And it still sends chills down my spine!
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Hey thank you
that's very kind of you. I'm glad you enjoyed this as I enjoyed attempting to capture the essence of temptation and condense it down to rhyme. I am encouraged in my rhyming efforts and perhaps I shall yet continue in this useless past time that nobody cares about.
When's the last time you bought a book of poetry?
I rest my case.
But I sure do enjoy composing it just for kicks.
Thanks again.
al
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I've said it before, but poetry isn't where I live. However, I don't mind having this particular example in my neighbourhood, if for no other reason than it has a clear (no, not flaxen) thread to it.
It works on the superficial level because of the gathering pace, a trickle of words turning into a torrent as it expounds its subject matter, torments it and exhausts it, bashing it against apparently hard reason and the rocks of conviction and certainty that it turns to sand and still insinuated itself into the fissures of mind and reasoin that are otherwise deemed to be impervious to it.
There's a feeling of warning come too late, yet still applicable to those with eyes to see and ears to hear.
All in all, i think it works. It's not one to read for pleasure though, too much like Jeremiah! -
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You know...
I thought that too, Jimmy. The flow of this could be helped to go down a lot easier. I agree with the Jeremiah quip. But I really dig the sentiment as I feel it is an oft fallen into trap, the trap of rationalizing one's self into temptation's grasp until our good sense flies out the window and we are bound in addiction to the bad choices we've made. I really am attached to this write for that reason.
I appreciate the comments, Jimmy. Well spoken, sir.
al
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Hmmmm.....
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This poem shows potentials. . .but it's confusing, too abstract, and over-ripe. Pruning is desperately needed. . .I don't even know what the subject is at all necessarily. . .obviously it's some kind of "temptation" and "addiction," but what "temptation" and "addiction" exactly? Is it temptation in general? Drugs? Sex? I have no idea, and frankly it leaves the reader with not very much.
It's hard to take meaning out of something when you don't even know what you are reading. . .
Also, word-choice. As a poet, word-choice is very important. The overuse of words, such as modifiers, as well as the constant repetition of things like "flaxen" or "addiction" or "demon" in this poem gets to be atrocious and annoying. Here's some synonyms for flaxen: how about gilt? Gold? Auburn? For addiction: how about dependency, need, compulsion, desire, satiation for once you've succumbed? Or demon: how about devil, tempter, incubus, sucubus, wraith. Just any other word. Anything but the same word.
Also, it would help if you went deeper into the topic. It feels like you sacrificed meaning on the altar of form, with your precise rhyming, meter and so on. This reads very much like some sort of allegorical Christian diatribe about sin, or the like. I somehow don't think that's what you were going for. Particularly if you're trying to portray drug addiction, a much deeper exploration of the subject would help a lot. It's about much, much more than suffering -- if it were nothing but pain and craving, no one would do it except those very very few people compelled to punish themselves and/or literally incapable of self control.
And if it's not about drug addiction... what is it? Again, that lack of clarity is confusing and hard on the reader.
Mainly the poem needs a lot of polishing, a lot of trimming. It's too long and it repeats itself over and over again. And it doesn't even get across any real, valid, meaning to the reader. . .
The form of the writing, with a bit of alliteration and a lot of very contrived, forced-feeling rhyming. . .kind of deterred me. I don't know if I like the use of shortened words like "'neath" and such, you should probably mess with that a bit and see what else could emerge if you didn't do that. . .or did something else in that regard. As far as the alliteration: it kind of just came out of nowhere, and it seemed very off and odd.
A poem is supposed to be compressed. A poet is supposed to choose their words carefully. The images you choose are pretty cliche. . .and don't really draw me in.
So there's a lot of potential here, but a lot of work that needs to be done.
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I'm sorry...
but this is a kick-ass poem, and you are absolutely mistaken.
I think you are way off-base in just about every respect, and I am an author that can really take an ass-chewing, in fact, I welcome it. But your comments are really very misinformed and not at all based in any sort of justifiable reason.
I think my poem is very, very neato-riffic(I made that up special just for this reply).
So you didn't like the poem.
Ok. I can deal with that.
Al
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. . .
Um. . .okay. . .wow. I didn't say it was a bad poem at all. I said it had a lot of potential, but needed improvement. . .and thus I gave you honest, genuine critique. Perhaps you didn't like my tone. . .which is understandable; but it says in your profile that you can take honest critique, and will actually be receptive to it. I apologize for taking your profile at its word and wanting to help. I won't repeat the mistake. -
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No....
I didn't like your tone.
I'd been catching a bit of that lately, highfalutin' tone that is, and yours just hit me at the wrong time.
Sorry 'bout that.
Please, feel free to repeat your mistakes again, and again and again. Just...keep the tone friendly, eh? I am a very easy going man, but I'm nobody's bitch.
Sometimes I call my brother a dumbass, or he'll call me a dumbshit, but we do it with a smile. Tone is how you as a writer either smile, smirk, frown or sneer. And lemme tell you, it's every bit as apparent.
Please smile for me, I would appreciate it.
Thank you sir for taking time out of your busy schedule to give me your unvarnished opinion. I appreciate it.
al
p.s. no "wows" will be necessary.I think I was very civil with you being as how I can really be an asshole when I wanna be.
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This has to be my favoret so far. A longer poem that starts to seem a bit repetative but simply magnifacent in its form. I love your choice of word and subject. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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Hey thanks.
What an ass I am for not responding to the comments of my contest host. My most profound apologies, sir.
I'm pleased you enjoyed it and saw fit to honor my write with an award.
Thanks again.
al
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