“Where to?” said Evan, rolling down his window.
“Just to the nearby town.”
“Hop in.” 1
They drove in silence. 2
“It was nice to see you Evan, and say hello to Jennie for me please.”
When Evan turned to question, the man wasn’t there. 3
This is how it all began.4
She was a little girl about eight, short, with skinny legs and long, unruly, dark hair.
And she has been walking in front of his car for about five hours. 5
He was positive that he didn’t know her, but he couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was terribly familiar. She never turned to see him, never said anything. She just appeared in front of him, and he has been following her ever since. He couldn’t stop; some external, unexplainable force caused him to keep moving, keeping him inside every time he wanted to get out of the car.
The same force stopped such boring thoughts as worrying about police, the child’s parents, and the fact that he was following her.
In these long hours a million other things passed through his head, and he never understood them. 6
“Who are you Jennie…” he whispered to himself. 7
“I am you, don’t you remember?” he heard her voice so clear as if she were sitting right next to him. He actually turned to check, but there was no one, and the girl’s figure was still in front, walking tirelessly.8
“As if she didn’t walk for hours, as if there was no distance… as if she weren’t human… “, thought Evan, and heard a giggle in return to his thoughts. 9
After some time she walked differently, she was no longer in his way, she was leading the way instead. She was taking strange turns, they were sudden, and held no obvious reasons as to why she turned there and not anywhere else, as if something was guiding her and that something was only known to her, or perhaps not even to her. 10
Suddenly he looked up to see that the girl wasn’t alone anymore, a new figure appeared, also terribly familiar. It was an elderly lady, she was wearing an old fashioned, long, woolen shirt. It looked like a night dress, but was dirty. She held a cane, and Evan was surprised to see her feet bare, bleeding on the rocks. She also didn’t turn, just held the little girl's hand and walked.11
“Hello Evan, I miss our thoughts” heard he, inside his head once more, this time the voice was hoarse and manly, a voice he had heard before. He looked up again and saw that there was a new figure in front of his car once more. This time it was a man, about Evan's own age. The man looked well groomed in his pure black modern suit. It was the same man who took a ride from him earlier. He held the other hand of the little girl, and the three walked faster now. 12
In a moment people began to appear quickly in front of his eyes, as if they were multiplying at immense speed. All were different, appearing like a huge crowd in a public mall, and all were dressed differently. All appeared so quickly that Evan couldn’t follow each of them…more and more and more… until abruptly they all stopped, and everything froze along with them within a single second. There was silence. It was so sharp that it hurt his ears, causing discomfort and fear to rise inside him.13
Then like thunder, dozens of voices sounded in his head at once, all screaming, all struggling to be heard in him. He held his hands on his ears instinctively, screaming his lungs out because of horror and pain. Everything began to spin in front of his eyes, whether it really did or whether it was just him, he didn’t know, but he felt sickness and panic clotting his throat and stomach, as he crouched trying to make out at least a single voice inside himself.
“I AM YOU, HEAR ME” hit his ears suddenly, it was the little girl’s voice, it was so loud and clear, he was even pleased to hear that it was her as if she became someone close over the hours he had been following her. 14
And then the voices became a single unison, all telling him they were him, all became one in him. They slowly quieted down, and his body begun to relax, vanishing fear and panic, now they all sounded together in a whisper, and again the girl took over, now everyone else turned silent.15
“Evan, we are you, do you understand? We are you, and you are us, you lived our lives before, and now we are inside your heart. You have to listen to us inside your heart, you cannot ignore us. You cannot ignore the little girl in you, the old lady, the modern man, the teenage drug addict, the young dancer… all of us, you have to let us manifest inside you, or else your history will be erased. You need us, for we lead you to what all people always look for. And only through us you can be yourself. You have proven that your heart is open, now its time for you to find us in it.”
Evan opened his eyes, to see the road completely empty, but he knew that now he couldn’t ever be alone, no matter how empty the space around him was. 16
And he knew that soon, he will find love.17
Elena Ozova18
Author notes
I just like it, its my style. my type of story...
eleno
A contest entry
- The Favorite of The Favorites! by Naive..
567 points, ended June 27, 2008, 21 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Random (closed for judgeing) by ForestFaery.
280 points, ended June 14, 2008, 56 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything by Vampiric souls.
225 points, ended June 19, 2008, 42 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Best Of The Best 2008 ♥ by Missi.
420 points, ended July 8, 2008, 45 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme, gimme, gimme your best Poems & Stories! by Zerstort.
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Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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wow what a great story, it's really well written and has a great plot, it kept me hooked the whole time
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wow it was a wonderful and inticing story! the description was wonderful! thank you for entering
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Hello there,
The first thing I noticed was the title: The L and the I are both capitalized. Is that a deliberate play on the "I" of the story - how Jennie is the "I" of the main character? It's an interesting play on words if it is.
My thoughts about the story as I read along:
The disembodied dialogue at the beginning is a little offputting as I have some character Evan, who is in a car and rolling down a window, and a unknown voice of a hitchhiker. Male? Female? And then Evan - old? young? business man? popped collar, convertible car guy?
Perhaps the complete lack of information was deliberate to create some sort of sense of ambiguity/mystery/intrigue, but for me, it was just frustrating to be kept so completely in the dark, figuring only that the hitchhiker was male after the fact.
After paragraph 4 there is more for my imagination, a description of a girl and a mysterious situation - illogical really. A girl is walking in front of his car on a road? Apparently he can't pass, whether because he doesn't want to or because it's a single lane. I'm surprised that there isn't a huge tail of cars behind him, actually, beeping and revving. A person walks very slowly compared to a car, and for five hours, I can't imagine no one having come along the road. Perhaps this is a forest track - but no, that doesn't make sense.
Again, I get the feeling that the characters and the few objects in the road are hung out in space with no context in reality - it's surreal but not very engaging. I'm finding that as the reader, I'm having to create this world from scratch, trying to imagine things for my confusion, when...shouldn't creating this world be the writer's job and not the reader's?
However, if this disembodied effect is something deliberate, I can only comment on how it affects me.
"The same force stopped such boring thoughts as worrying about police, the child’s parents, and the fact that he was following her."
Boring thoughts? For me, those thoughts would be wild. "What am I doing following this girl?" and "Perhaps she was attacked on the road by some guy and now has amnesia?" aren't boring at all. Perhaps the story means something more along the lines of "mundane" or "realistic"? Just seems to call boring a backstory which I can't imagine being boring.
"In these long hours a million other things passed through his head, and he never understood them. "
This bit is very informative, telling rather than showing, and not giving the reader much. Perhaps there would be another, descriptive or example-based way to show that he is thinking about something. So far, the reader really has no sense of who the character is, what sort of person he is - shallow? deep? angry? frustrated? alone? lonely? Even a little more information about his character would allow the reader to not only imagine him and his reactions, but also to relate to him.
"as if she was sitting right next to him"
Should be in the subjunctive:
"as if she were sitting right next to him"
"As if she didn’t walk for hours,"
since this is technically dialogue, a new paragraph?
Interesting response from the girl. I wonder how she is him - a spirit of childhood, perhaps, or maybe she's his anima/feminine inner self.
"thought Evan, and heard a giggle in return to his thoughts."
the syntax is ambiguous here. Restructure the sentence?
"After some time she walked differently, she was no longer in his way, she was leading the way instead"
But the story never said she was "in his way" at all, before this moment. Perhaps some more development at the beginning to make this more clear? Also, "walked differently" implies that her "walk" changed - the way she walked, not the situation.
"She was taking strange turns, they were sudden, and held no obvious reasons as to why she turned there and not anywhere else, as if something was guiding her and that something was only known to her, or perhaps not even to her."
Okay, here I had some trouble. A person can take sudden turns, but a car is large and its turns, when compared to a human will be larger and curved. Also, a car can only continue down a road - so the "sudden turns" can't be sudden. She might suddenly decide to turn into a side-street, but that really sounds at odd with the description of "sudden turns". Also, where and how is this happening. Are they in a city, town, open field, beach? I'm not seeing this and again, this feeling that they're all on a blank canvas and I'm suddenly given the paints to "go ahead, make something up; doesn't matter what" really frustrates the reader in me. Perhaps, again, a more of a focus on setting/context?
"an old fashioned, long woolen shirt" -> "an old-fashioned, long, woolen shirt"
Also, that sentence is a run-on. Could it be split into three one after "shirt" and one after "dirty"?
"girls hand" -> "girl's hand"
"This time it was a man, age group similar to his own, he looked well groomed in his pure black modern suit" -> also a run-on sentence. Also "Age group similar to his own" sounds a tad awkward.
"It was the same man who took a ride from him earlier." Oh the mystery thickens. Things come round in a circle.
In paragraph 12, I'm thinking that it might be more real to me as a reader if I was showed a couple snapshots of these people, a couple examples to ground them in reality, out of the abstract narration.
The story said there was silence - was there noise before?
He crouched? In the car? Has he gotten out of the car? Apparently he has. Did I miss when it happened? :\
"all telling him they were him, all became one in him"
The bit of how they "became him" confused me. Did they melt into him? But they're still there. I'm lost.
"Evan opened his eyes, to see the road completely empty, but he knew that now he couldn’t ever be alone, no matter how empty the space around him was"
Beautiful line.
"he will find love" -> "he would find love"
Overall, I felt continuously frustrated by how it seemed that you knew exactly what was going on, but I was unable to see this world you created. Readers read words, not minds, and all I have to go by are the words on the page. That limited me a lot. I read in your Author notes that you call this your 'style' so perhaps my comments on how it was confusing is completely out of line. I can only write down my impressions as I read, tis all, and hope that perhaps they will be of some help.
As for the idea of the story, I enjoyed it very much. It seems like a very interesting concept and with a deep message.
Hope these thoughts help some. Good luck writing!
Kind regards,
Solidarity -
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Hello there, your comment is incredibly long, and first off, i would like to tell you that i highly appreciate it.
I feel i have to pay back:
The title capitalization was intentional, it was meant to show that there is A Jennie in EVERYONE's heart, and that the little thing in you is your I.
You said that you only found out that the hitchhiker was a male in the ending when the character reappears, but i find that impossible since the last line of the dialog is:
"When Evan turned to question, the man wasn’t there." - as you see it mentions that this is a man, and since Evan himself doesn't know much about the man, i feel it unnecessary to describe him.
Evan on the other hand, well... how do i say..., the entire story was the description of his inner soul - since the girl, the old woman, the hitchhiker were all his inner characters. Since all the characters, and btw the place as well, was all part of his soul, and it was meant to describe his inner self... you could tell from those what kind is he, and for all of us, i suppose, the image would be different. There is no definite description, and that was completely intentional.
You said the situation is illogical, that it was simply crazy to follow that girl. Yes, it was. Yes, it was illogical. But the deepest feelings are never understood. Can anyone tell me why a man would love that one woman and never look at others even if she is to every one else simply ordinary?? WHy? because he loves her. WHY ?? Does it really matter? i dont think so. it just happens.
And also a soul, especially of someone who doesn't know himself - is never logical enough for the mind.
The fact that you questioned, wether the girl was in his way, well ... she wasn't. she was walking in front, he felt an urge to follow her, he couldn't control it. Nor did he understand it, but our souls' urges are very strong, they don't have to be explained, nor understood. It was a simple "have to".
I will explain this further by giving you an example - sometimes i feel like calling my love, i just talked to him a minute ago for a few hours, but i want to call again, its illogical, because i don't have money to call, and he is busy anyway. But i will call. why? because my heart tells me so. that's it,. no reason , no logic. And you will be surprised to hear that when i do that , he picks up and says that he missed me, that he was wishing and knowing that i would call. Why? no reason.
Also you said that you felt frustrated since you were kept completely in the dark ..well, i don't think it's right to explain the entire story in the beginning. The entire story describes a soul, in the end you understand why, that's it!
I also feel it unnecessary to lay out all the details for the reader. I gave short basic descriptions, because in this story, nothing was meant to be so clear, as it can't be in this concept. The writing is about his soul - apply your soul to it, forget your mind.
About me not explaining Evans thoughts
... what can i say? he was a person who followed a girl, on an empty road. He trusted his insitncts and did so without questioning. So what kind is he?! What is there to explain?
You should imagine he must be feeling pretty lost to do that, pretty desperate as well..pretty crazy, but a believer.
I don't really feel i should explain how lost a person must feel to have a part of his soul walk infront of him to show him the way to finding himself.
I think the fact that he is very lost must be obvious, therefore his thoughts must be very unclear.
I said "boring thoughts" because such thoughts as whether someone kidnapped her are very common in our lives.That's the first thing you think when you see little children at reandom places. But rememeber, something told him not to think so, something told him to follow her. Something told him, inside him.
The girl is in him - he knew it in him he had to follow her. He knew it in him - she was there for him. He didn't need answers, because this is his soul.
What you said about other people beeping and being behind him... my reply is ... Gosh!! open UP a little!! This is all about a lost soul finding itself - you don't have to apply it to real life full of traffic! Because lost souls dont see their own selves! It doesn't happen everyday!!! This situation was MEANT to happen.. you can suppose.. God arranged it.. and i bet He can pretty much prevent cars from coming! Just think of it that way!
Then you said that it's wrong that she was now leading the way since i never said that she was IN his way in the beginning. well obviously i didn't have to, since "in his way" wasn't meant to mean that she was bothering him, it was meant to say she was walking in the direction that he was taking, now SHE was taking a new direction. now she was LEADING him, instead of walking HIS way infront of him.
This happened BECAUSE he had followed her for so long - it was sort of like a test, since he had to prove that he was capable of being insane (sounds like you aren't - no offense) that is why in the end of the story she says that he had showed that his heart is open.
Sudden turns - oh well, again, you should read carefully - you said so many times that i am not dscriptive enough, but you didn't take notice of the descriptions that actually were there - i said there that now she was leading the way - that would mean that now he was going after her, no longer driving behind her (see the difference?) - that would mean that she was taking turns, and he was suffering to keep up, catching up. I don't think i need to describe that as it doesn't matter.
And again you want descriptions of such material things as whether they are in a city, what type of turns are they taking - i simply don't see how is this important?? The journey was in him, it was meant to shake him. If i was him - if i was lost, if i had been lead towards something i knew inside me i needed - i really don't think i would have noticed much around me, nor would i have cared.
About the silence, obviously on the road there was noise - car engine (you should have known that since you are so into material details), wheels, himself, steps, the wind. Now imagine silence, and i dont mean "quietness". i mean DEAD silence, so silent that there is nothing at all. Silence enough to hear your soul talking.
They didn't literally BECOME him, they were all sounding in him, and suddenly he realized they were one with him - again they are his soul.
I will fix the grammar errors that i had made, although not all of them .
The last sentence, "he will find love" is meant to be HE WILL FIND LOVE. not "he would", he would is different, this is a sure thing. he will.
Infact when i wrote this, i first wrote "he would", but soon i realized that messes up the meaning. He found himself - he, now, will find love.
Pheuuh, this took me ages. it actually is frustrating to have to explain all this. I hope i answered all of your questions, though i felt that wasn't necessary. Imagine i put all these descriptions, explanations inside the story!??! What sense would that make..
I really don't know why you needed to know all this, and perhaps you are jsut very different from me. Well, that's perfectly fine, i am glad you have expressed your opinion.. in such massive sizes.. Thank you for the comment, and i hope that now the story is more clear to you, thank you again. -eleno
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Wow. This has to be one of the most unique things that I have ever read. It's not exactly my cup of tea, I'll admit, but I love how intriguing it is! The begninng really caught my attention, and I love how mysterious this whole story was. I only wish that the paragraphs were spaced better and not so big; it made it a little difficult to read and concentrate on the writing. But over all, this was an enjoyable read.
Thanks for entering my contest, and good luck!
-jj
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