Marriage is a Dirty Word

I had been dead for so long, I had forgotten how it felt to…feel. Feel anything at all. My life, well, my existence had felt like one long, endless road. There had been no surprising twists or unexpected obstacles. Only walking, blurry eyed and barely alive. I had thought that the rest of time would be like this for me. Just existing. Not feeling or breathing or knowing what I was going on for. 1

Then suddenly, in a time so short it seemed like a single blink of an eye, I felt emotions so fresh and vibrant I thought that if I reached down deep enough I could hold them in my hand. Burning rage turned to gentle love. Internal conflict tore at my insides like a menacing fire, hot enough to melt even the thickest metal. Thick, tangible guilt and indescribable despair. And then, an elation swelling so deep and so grand, I was sure I was going to split right in half. Everything I had done wrong, every time I had hurt her, I wanted that all to be forgotten now. It was a selfish wish. How could she forget? This thought was always looming in my head. I’m not worthy. One day, it will all catch up to me, and this will all be over. Again. 2

Despite that nagging worry, I couldn’t help but smile watching my mother’s ring glint delicately on Bella’s slender hand. Her warm fingers twitched slightly between my icy ones.3

“Thank you,” I murmured, bending my head to press my lips to each of her fingertips. Yes. The beautiful single-syllable word replayed over and over in my mind. One word and I was the closest to anything like heaven that I would ever be.4

“Sure,” she mumbled. 5

I rolled my eyes. Her dull reply was transparent. She was happier than she let on. I could tell. Sometimes I wondered really how different it would be if I could read her mind. Beneath her indifferent façade, she was happy. I didn’t want to argue and ruin this moment. Perhaps fighting to hide what she really felt would become too difficult in time. It would have to soon enough. But I was feeling impatient. I wanted to know for sure that she was sharing my feelings.6

I dropped her hand and almost instantly she returned to her spot on the enormous bed in the middle of the room. She eyed me questioningly, waiting for me to follow. I crossed my arms and let a small smirk pull up the corner of my mouth.7

“What?” she demanded.8

“Nothing,” I replied. “I’m just….thinking.” 9

Bella pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in her arms. “I’m tired of all your thinking.”10

I chuckled lightly. I was actually surprised that I was able to thinking clearly at all at that moment. My head swam with the high of such happiness, but a crazy idea flitted around in the back of my brain.11

“I was thinking,” I started, “about something that I want to show you.”12

Bella’s head snapped up. She stared at me, suddenly wary.13

“It better not be anymore jewelry, Edward, or I’ll….”14

“Relax, Bella. It’s not like that.”15

She sighed. “Well, what is it?”16

I extended an arm. “Come with me.”17

Bella pouted. “Can’t we just do what I want now?”18

“Bella, we’ve gone over and over this. I don’t want to discuss it anymore. I’ve agreed to your terms because you agreed to mine.”19

“I know,” she replied. “I understand. I just want to stay here.”20

I sighed. “Please? There is just something I want you to see. Please?”21

Bella didn’t move.22

“Please?”23

Her stubbornness kept her rooted to her spot. Eventually, though I could have waited a lot longer, I dropped my shoulders. 24

As I made my way back to the bed, Bella’s protected figure opened up slightly. She watched me, a smile starting to play across her lips. She thought she had won.25

I sat cross-legged beside her, and she peeked at me from the corner of her eye. Gently, I pulled her into my lap and rested her head under my chin. Her scent, which had long ago become easy to bear but no less intoxicating, filled my senses. It tickled my nose, my tongue, all the way to the back of my throat. My head fogged and I forgot my original plan. But only for a second.26

Only a beat of her beautiful heart later, she was in the hallway outside my bedroom, upright beside me. 27

She swayed slightly on her feet and I locked my arm around her waist to steady her. We were walking forward before she had a chance to speak. 28

“That wasn’t fair,” she grumbled. 29

Maybe the trick wasn’t good for her already sullen mood.30

I stopped in front of the closed door I intended to enter and turned towards her. I pulled her around so that she was standing right in front of me. 31

“I know,” I whispered. I leaned down close to her ear. “I apologize.”32

I felt her shiver. An involuntary smile broke across my face. My lips pressed once against her neck. “This will only take a second. I promise. Then we can do whatever you want.”33

Her heart sped up audibly. 34

I kissed the corner of her mouth. “Within limitation.”35

Blood rushed to her face, warming my cheek.36

My hand curled around the door handle and it opened easily behind me. My other hand found Bella’s, and I pulled her through the door. 37

Moonlight spilled into the room from the giant window that covered the rooms back wall, but I flicked the light switch that was just inside the door. 38

The room was a lot like mine. Same size, same couch, same window. Only this room was painted a deep crimson color that gave it a warmer, more mature feel. A prominent mahogany vanity was placed against the wall, covered with various beauty supplies that seemed insignificant. I assumed that perfection just wasn’t enough for some people. On the wall opposite the vanity, there was a matching dresser. None of the drawers were completely closed. Various items of clothing stuck out of each drawer, and there were even some splayed on the carpet surrounding it. Perfection was obviously too good for others.39

“What are we in Emmett and Rosalie’s room for?” Bella demanded, not dropping her irritated front.40

“Patience, love. Over here.”41

Bella trailed behind me as I walked over to a wall covered with pictures. It was much like the wall in Carlisle’s office, except that all the pictures on this wall were more or less uniform in shape. And they were all surrounded by matching mahogany frames.42

My eyes scanned the pictures. 43

“Here,” I said, motioning to a single picture. “Can you see?”44

Bella’s eyes followed my pointed finger to the picture. It displayed Rosalie and Emmett, standing together. Rosalie looked stunning in a low-cut, white satin gown. Her head was thrown back, laughing at some forgotten joke, and her arms were wrapped around Emmett’s towering, tuxedo-clad middle. Her foot was even popped up behind her.45

“This is their first wedding,” I explained. Bella nodded. “And here.”46

I pointed to another picture. In this one, Rosalie was wearing a long, sleek, red dress that made her lips stand out in vibrant color. She was in a similar stance as the first picture, this time underneath an intricate arch of roses. Her mouth was open in laughter. 47

I continued to point at wedding picture after wedding picture until Bella finally said, “Edward, the point?”48

“Do you see how happy she looks?”49

“Sure.”50

“Have you ever seen her look this happy in person?”51

Bella looked up at me. “She’s never all that happy when I’m around.”52

“Believe me, Bella. She rarely looks like this. The only time I’ve ever seen her look so…joyful…is on her wedding days.”53

I was hoping that she would catch on, understand what I was trying to get at. She just stared blankly at my face, waiting for me to go on.54

I brought her left hand to my face and played with the ring on her hand. “Don’t you see, Bella? Marriage is supposed to make you happy. Not sullen and grumpy.”55

Bella moved her hand to rest it lightly on the side of my face. “Edward. I am happy. Really.” She dropped her hand and slowly turned away. “I’m just….”56

“Just what?”57

“Nothing.”58

“Just what, Bella?”59

Bella sighed. “I’m nervous.”60

“That’s a completely natural feeling, love.”61

Bella turned back towards me. “I know.” She agreed, but a grimace remained on her face.62

“You’ll be fine, Bella. And I’m not going back on any of my promises. Vegas is a perfectly fine option, unless you decide you would like to do something else.”63

I looked down at Bella and a vision suddenly took over my mind. She was standing in front of me, draped in white and glowing beneath a gauzy veil. White roses adorned her perfectly curled brown hair, and a bouquet of matching roses garnished with delicate baby’s breath rested between her hands. This is what I wanted. But something like that would be Bella’s nightmare.64

She closed her eyes and nodded. “Vegas is the only option.”65

When she opened her eyes again, we had returned to my bedroom, in the same place we were when we had left.66

She swiveled her head around, groaning. “We couldn’t have just walked?”67

“I thought you were eager to get back.” I smiled.68

“You thought right. Now,” she said, shifting herself so that her arms curled around my neck. “On to what I want to do.”69

My hands latched around her wrists and unhooked them from around me. “You should sleep.”70

“No way!” she protested. “That wasn’t our deal.”71

“It’s late.”72

“No it’s not! You dragged me all over the place, and now I want to do what I want!”73

I shook my head. “I did not drag you all over the place, Bella.” 74

“But…”75

“Sleep.” I lifted her carefully with one arm and pulled back the bed’s thick comforter and sheets with my other hand. Soon, Bella was lying on her side, facing away from me.76

“You always want me to sleep,” she grumbled.77

“I think you need as much sleep as you can get. You seem so grumpy lately.” I tried to joke.78

“This isn’t fair.”79

Silently, I placed myself under the covers behind her and my arms found their familiar spot around her waist. Warmth spread up my arms and reached all the way down to my toes. I leaned in close to her ear.80

“I love you. More than anyone possibly can in this entire world.”81

I watched as Bella seemingly permanent scowl melted into an expression of serene bliss. 82

She is what I feel for. She is what I breathe for. She is what I live for.83