I Just Want To Feel Something

There is a song out, country song that is, that this story is based on. Everytime I hear this song, my heart tries to feel. But I learned a very long time ago to stop it. I learned at an early age to stop feeling anything. I just want to feel something even if it's only for the moment before I die. I've tried being what the people around me wanted and that wasn't enough to make me feel. I tried to be what my husband wants but I can't and no matter how often I put on the mask, it just doesn't fit and I'm uncomfortable in it. I tried to be what my kids wanted but that mask didn't fit either. So they also went their own way. 1

There are those who say turn your life over to god, he will see you through it all. But I've learned to turn my life over to god I'd have to feel something and I don't. Especially when doing so means to stop living in this world. It hasn't been easy living in our world today and I can accept that. I'm not perfect. I couldn't be because there was only one perfect one ever. So I just try to putter through life and survive. Today it is even harder to survive than it was when I was younger. There is so much more that I'm supposed to feel something about now than there was then. And although it should be easy to pick and choose it's not because once you make a choice it is yours forever. You own that choice and you can't give it back. You must live with it. You don't have to feel it you just have to live with it.2

I have many choices I have to live with now that, had I another chance, I'd make a different choice. I'm not saying it would be a better choice but at least maybe more thought out. But I know your going to say that we all have regrets and that thats life. And your right. I'm not writing this for anyone in particular it's just my thoughts at this time in my life. And I felt like putting them down on paper. In hopes that those who care about me may someday read my words and have a better understanding of who I was at this point in my life. Better or worse doesn't matter. Just my thoughts at this time in my life.