She sat alone on the curb of a dirty city street. Quietly, she hummed to herself, fiddling with strands of her artificially black hair. Her eyes brimmed with tears, but they didn't dare escape. She cautioned herself inwardly to be strong, to try and relax, to think.1
"Eliza? ELIZA?!" She heard a chorus of voices shouting her name. She didn't respond to any of them. The voices sounded angry, with a tinge of worry mixed in. She didn't want to deal with that. She released her hair and began to play with the straps of her tank top, making them longer and shorter, longer and shorter. She did anything to calm her racing mind.2
She closed her eyes, shutting out the shouts of: "Eliza, where the fuck are you?" She simply drowned them out. She went Elsewhere.3
Think Eliza, she thought to herself, think of something else. She did anything she could to try and forget the events of the last few hours. Go back to the meadow, she told herself, go back to then.4
She wrapped her arms around herself, holding her petite frame in a small hug. Her hair fell in a silky curtain around her as she laid her head upon her knees. The curb was cold beneath her, and she could still hear the faint sounds of the city alley mingling with the shouts of those who, may or may not have always, loved her. Don't think about them Eliza, don't think about them.5
Her vibrant blue eyes closed tightly, daring a few tears to escape. With the tears, she remembered. She was in the meadow, she was home.6
Eliza was a hairbrush singer, a dashboard drummer, a firefly chaser, a tree climber, porch swinger, air guitar player, fearless dancer, and a difference maker. Always a chance taker, fence hopper, true love believer, peace maker, a tree hugger. Eliza was, most of all, a dreamer.7
Elsewhere; her escape. It was the name of her dreamland. When things went on at home, and they always did, she went Elsewhere.
Author notes
This is not complete.. There might be more before the contest, but I'll definitely be adding to this.
A contest entry
- P e o p l e by sunshinexreggae.
223 points, ended June 18, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - As You Like It =) by dancindream.
100 points, ended June 30, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Yeah, I guess most of us here, on SW have an "Elsewhere" to go to when things go wrong. I really like how you wrote this. Poor Eliza. You effortlessly succeeded in making readers feel what she felt and for that, I congratulate you. I believe that by describing her, you provided an insight of her feelings, and I prefer that to merely stating them. There's a plot behind your description, and it's wonderful. Great job!
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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I'd love to find out more about why she has to go elsewhere...
As usual, great job ^-^
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wow!
this was totally great so far! your descriptions are amazing, but theyre discreet...which is the sign of an accomplished writer..."fiddling with the strands of her artificially black hair"...stuff like this makes me picture her easily without trying to.
this is great so far, so let me know if u add any more (before or after the end of the contest)
=)
good job!
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*Beams*
Thank youuuuu.
I hope to continue this at some point, but I doubt it'll happen before the end of the contest.
I'm stuck in a massive glob of painful writer's block. *Sigh*
But thank you. =]]]
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As others comment stated, this story is really descriptive. I wish I can write as descriptive like this. I like how Eliza is describing in motion.
I see Eliza has a lot of characters, a tree climber, fence hopper, true believer. I am not sure you need to include them all in short story rather than in novel because it will makes story long.
I aware of the voice that yell at Eliza. It is great, which bring up conflict for Eliza to face. However, I can't identify who is the voice yet.
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Wow, this is real descriptive and I really like how you showed that Eliza could be anything she wanted in Elsewhere. Though this is only a descriptive 'story' you also told a tale behind the meadow and picture!
I only had one itch:
Add more of her feelings as a person. I think you described her image perfectly but the emotions came across a little shaky.
Thats just my opinion! Other than that this is a really good descriptive piece! Keep writing!
Cheers,
VW
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Thanks, I'll do that! I plan to continue this, but I'm not sure what it's going to be about yet. That's why I didn't get too into how she felt. I haven't decided why they're looking for her yet. =S
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Ooooh, I liked it. It was short, but a good write. You did a good job of showing who your character was and her personality. I hope you had fun writing this! =)
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This is really great, its not too dramatic, as many such writes turn out to be, and it wasnt over written. I really enjoyed it, and it seemed very very real to me. Like a real life story of a real person. The words were great, and everything was very emotional, and honest.
Good luck on the contest. :]
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Hi... ^^ I didn't post a comment before because you said that you might be adding to this
.
Considering that the contest is ending soon, I thought I might as well comment now
. But I'll still check it before judging to see if you have written more .
Soooo...
What can I say? I loved it!
It's very powerful, so full of emotions. It's still delicate though, you have the perfect balance on that point. Your descriptions are lovely, they're just perfect.
In terms of your writing, this was by far my favourite part:
"She wrapped her arms around herself, holding her petite frame in a small hug. Her hair fell in a silky curtain around her as she laid her head upon her knees."
I am in love with good descriptions, to be honest I don't care that much about the plot, as long as metaphors and similies are outstanding and yours truly are.
And Paragraph 7, well I must agree with CaptAnnStarr, it is a hero by all means! Reading that paragraph tastes better than chocolate icecream!
And that proves something <3
xoxo
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Paragraph 7 is my hero. Dashboard drummer, incidently, sounds like a cool band name . I love your choice of words... I like to read your stuff aloud because it just SOUNDS so good, you know?
I'd totally like to see more to this. It's sad, but it's not 'sad' in the over dramatic Emo way.
This is REAL... It feels real and I'd totally read more of it. =3...
Spleee!!!
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You know. I like your comments. I like you. Thankyou. =P I'd really like to continue this at some point.. And I'm honored that my writing sounds good out loud. ^^
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Lots of descriptionnnn. You're very good at that. Keep writing so I can comment more. It's quite confusing without more =P
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*Waits*...>_>
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HOLD YOUR HORSES, GOSH.
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:)
Hello there! ^^
First of all thank you very much for entering my contest
Here is your picture, I hope that it will inspire you
http://blog.tenbit.pl/i/blog/upload/notes/b/bananowe_obrazki_xd/15479.jpg
If the URL doesn't work, just tell me and I'll see what I can do to make it work lol ^^
I wish you very good luck and most of all enjoy writing your story
xoxo -
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This is perfect. Thank you so much!
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Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
