Healing and Breaking (full story)

1

Life was different here. She wasn’t quite sure why she chose to miss half of life, but it was done and over with. She had to accept that and consider what happened next.  2

Life is surely complicated for some people. Everyone thinks they have had it harder than the next person. Few people are allowed to open their eyes to the truth. The illusion fades and you realize that you’re not the worst off, surely. 3

...It’s hard to understand why you fall in love, but it’s not easy for me to deny my feelings for Richard, so I have not. When I moved to this loathed place, I had no friends, little relatives my age and those who were lived three and a half hours away.  4

I hated life for the longest and I hated complications with a fiery passion. Music was simply the only reason I was held together. Our band in high school had a true fellowship that I had always felt that I was standing on the outside of, waiting to be invited into.  5

The day we finally moved into our brand new band hall was memorable. All of our supplies were stacked (quite literally) in the choir room, just next door. I don’t remember everything that happened, now that I look back on it because the first month or two in this god-forsaken place, I was just coasting, praying the heartache would end.  6

I do remember Richard. Jessica, a girl that had taken to my “case” knew him, to say the least. Most of the time she ignored him because (yes, I shall admit) he was quite annoying. Richard was always flirting with the girls. Why they dated him, I’m not sure because they always said they despised him or worse.  7

I had felt so horrible and numb. I had felt my life force slipping away. The only human contact I’d had in the first month and a half at this hellhole was teachers and lunches with the school secretary. I learned a lot about the insufferable insanity of being a teenager, being only a viewer of it. My teenage years were spent catering to my aunt’s and uncle’s every whim... 8

She remembered one day, she had dressed up in this overall skort set and she had worn her knee-high boots. She had fifth period right across the hall from Richard. His reaction was what she had planned for, even if it was a little off-the-top. Everything has become so unclear, so confused and jumbled up, it’s hard to express in words.  9

She did remember Carol’s refusal to accept him. It had hurt her deeply that Carol refused to respect the one person in this place that she had truly come to care about. 10

...I do remember my first kiss was from Richard. He had come over because I was supposed to tutor him in Geometry. Operative phrase here being “supposed to.” Not surprisingly, his book was in his locker at school. I knew he'd pull something like that. It didn't matter anyway, I hadn't wanted to truly think of math, but I was planning on helping him out of the rut he had gotten himself into.  11

We had ended up watching TV; Everwood was on. During a commercial, he had leaned over me and kissed me softly. I don't particularly remember my reaction other than I just let it sink in. It was my first kiss, unless you want to count the peck on the cheek I had given Mark on the last day of my seventh grade year.  12

There's nothing that can truly describe the feel of another's lips on yours. It's an amazing emotion when you care about the other person and you connect. And we really did connect. I could almost feel him in ways even I couldn't understand...  13

Richard continued to ask her out, but out of fear, she held him off, telling him she couldn't date until she was 16. He said he'd ask her out on her birthday. She wasn’t exactly sure why she believed him. Maybe she just cared so much. Who knew she was being led into heartbreak?14

...I looked good and I knew it. I was wearing this cute little black skort and this beige butterfly covered top. I again had my knee-high boots on. 15

It was my "Sweet Sixteen," I felt obligated to dress up. Besides, I like to torture the guys sometimes. It keeps them in their place. Besides, I had thought Richard's reaction would have been my reward for dressing up in the cute little skort, even though the boots were painful to wear. I still wanted to see his face. 16

Normally, I played down my birthday, even back where I used to live in Dublin. It's only natural for a birthday to be a complete piece of shit when too many people knew about it. Besides, only my closest friends needed to know my birthday. It presented less potential for disaster. I guess disaster was what I was aiming for when I wore the outfit. But the prospect of seeing him stunned overruled my common sense. 17

I went to lunch annoyed: I hadn't seen him all day. As I wandered toward my regular table, I reasoned with myself: I don't have classes with him and our paths don't normally cross. 18

As Jessica told me "Happy Birthday" I sat down. "Thanks," I replied distractedly. That's when I saw him. Him... and an obnoxiously evil senior, Rose. I sighed. I should have left. I couldn't move, couldn't think...19

Somehow, she had given him everything that she had. She had been so sure that there had been something between them, something about him that just kept calling to her. 20

She never knew, still didn't know, what it was. No matter how many times he pushed her away, she stood by him, hoping it was just that something about her scared him. 21

She cared. And every time she fell for someone, she fell hard. 22

She remembered feeling numb. A little after her birthday, she found out he moved. Why didn't he tell her...? It's not as if he didn't know where she lived, where she slept. Holding off the tears was hard but she knew she needed to. Crying over him again was not something she intended on doing. 23

He called her in March; they had been talking online: e-mailing and instant messaging each other whenever they could. His sister was getting married the first weekend in April; he wanted her to go with him to the wedding. 24

..."Come on," he said, helping her up off the seat. 25

"Does that require putting on shoes?" she asked. 26

He smiled softly and nodded. She sighed and sat back down to put on the heels she'd been wearing all day long for him. He chuckled and waited patiently to help her up when she was done. 27

She held out her hand for him to take and she got up. "Feel loved," she said. 28

He flashed her a grin and intertwined his fingers with hers. Still holding her hand in his, he led her away from the reception. 29

"So where are we going?" she asked him. 30

With a mischievous glint in his eye, he answered. "You'll see." He led her down the stairs and out onto the property. 31

She glanced at him and smiled knowingly: he was taking her to the pool. "See, if you had told me about the pool, we could be in the pool right now," she said, watching him. 32

He shrugged, looking down into her eyes. "Come on," he whispered, gently pulling her away from the hotel. There was a path that made a large semi-circle around the pool, so, of course, that's where they went, to be alone after a long day of being surrounded by his family. 33

He brought her to a small waterfall. He watched her eyes shine with adoration. "It's beautiful," she whispered, dropping her head down onto his shoulder dramatically. 34

He took her hand back and drew her away from it. "Come on," he whispered into her jeweled ear. She looked up at him and nodded. 35

As they came to a narrower part in the path, she slipped off the edge of it. Swiftly, he pulled her back on the path and held her until she was steady. "You okay?" he asked, a laugh filling his voice. 36

Laughing herself, she smiled. "I'm fine," she said, trying to control her laughter. 37

Taking her hand again, he pulled her closer, so she wouldn't be so close to the edge. "You sure you're okay?" he asked, looking down at her with his laughing eyes. 38

She laughed softly and nodded. "I'm fine." Noticing a dark building to their left, to distract him, she added, "I wonder what that is." 39

Raising his eyebrows mischievously, he said, "Let's go see, huh?" He led her by the hand over the bridge that connected the path and the building. 40

When they were halfway across the bridge, she let his hand go. He looked back at her quizzically. "Go ahead," she whispered. 41

"I swear if an alligator comes jumping out of that water, I'm suing," he said dramatically. 42

She tried hard not to laugh. "I think that's Florida, babe," she said, mock-seriously. 43

He smiled at her and walked up to the door of the building. "I think it's another place to get married," he remarked after looking thoroughly and turning back to join her. She nodded and placed her hand in his, letting him lead her away carefully. 44

"So what all do you have to do before you go home?" she asked as they walked around a turn in the path. 45

"Fixing that truck's my first priority," he said, looking down at her briefly as they came up to a fork in the path. 46

She nodded, noting the change in his personality. A year ago, his friends and partying was his first priority. Now, after a year of being in Michigan and having a job changed him. He was becoming a better person for it. 47

Opening the gate for her, he added, "Watching a movie with you." 48

She nodded with a blush. 49

He smiled with satisfaction. "Hey, what's that?" he asked, pointing to a niche in the low stone wall. 50

"I don't know," she said, unconcerned. 51

"How much you wanna bet we just found the hot tub?" he asked with a slight leer. 52

"I'm broke, so I can't bet anything." 53

"There are other things you can bet," he said mischievously. 54

"What? A kiss?" she whispered sarcastically with a slight blush. 55

He grinned at her, satisfied that she had caught on. He left her side to feel the water. Returning he smiled wider. "Feels good," he whispered. Taking her hand, they walked away from the hot tub. After a moment of silence, he asked tentatively, "So does that mean I get that kiss?" 56

She pondered that a moment. She looked up at him and said, "I guess that's up to you." 57

He stopped her gently and kissed her softly. She pulled away tentatively. Smiling to herself, she took his hand in hers and started walking away. They opened the doors back into the hotel and took the elevator back up to his family...58

Okay, so they didn't have a whole lot of privacy, but he did make room for some. Sometimes she wondered if he wasn't just trying to shake off his friends for a bit. 59

So, yeah, okay, the slightly near-death experience was also less than fun. I mean, no one wants to go barreling down an elevator shaft at any time or any length in their life, but it happened. She was just glad to be able to say that she wasn't the only one shaken. 60

But he went back to Michigan and left her... alone. 61

She felt like she lost him after a time. Maybe it was all the girls he'd dated that weren’t her. He was the only reason she had stayed at the damn god-forsaken school. She was changing. Her heart was crying out for real human contact and she was locked in a room screaming and nobody took notice. Or that's how she felt anyhow. 62

She felt like she was losing her grip, her focus. All she had wanted was acceptance. That is what he took away. 63

And then... 64

...He reached into his coat pocket and drew out a purple velvet ring box. Steeling himself, he handed it out to me. Catching my shocked expression, he chuckled and whispered, "Open it, love." 65

I looked at the box, pleasantly surprised. Looking up into his amused eyes, I opened the lid of the box to find one of the most intricately designed rings I'd ever seen. I felt my jaw drop as I looked at it. "Richard..." I whispered, unable to raise my voice higher. 66

As I drew the ring out of the box to look at it closer, I could sense his pleasure. There was no way he didn't plan this ring thoroughly. It was fourteen-carat white gold with an inscription on the inside of the band: "I promise you this." The diamond in the center was heart-shaped and was accented by two small dark sapphires that were so blue they were almost black. "It's a promise ring, love," he whispered softly into my jeweled ear. He took it from me gently with one hand, and took my hand in his other to slide it onto my left ring finger. I could feel my heart race at the slightest touch. 67

I looked up at him. "Why?" I asked him frankly. 68

He slid the lock of hair that had freed itself from the graceful knot I had spent hours on perfecting gently behind my ear and asked, "I have to have a reason to tell you how much I care for you? I love you, that's all the reason I need." 69

"But what about the money you had to spend on this?" I asked, immediately concerned that he had used his savings on this sudden display of his affections. 70

He kissed me softly, his eyes laughing. "I spent nothing I hadn't expected to spend on you. Come," he said, wrapping his hand tightly around mine, "Let's finish our evening, love." 71

I let him lead me away, but finally, I smiled. No matter how concerned I was about the money he had just spent on me, I was happy. Finally, after all the years of waiting, he was growing up and beginning to accept the responsibilities of life...72

Three years of waiting and she got a semi-commitment. It felt good. 73

But something made her crash. Something that altered her entire existence. Her mom was suddenly no longer there. 74

...I was coming home from school when I saw the ambulance. I parked and jumped out of the car, running into the house. 75

I went numb as I entered my parents' bedroom. There was blood everywhere. She had started hemorrhaging and Daddy couldn't stop it. 76

I fled the scene and ran out the back door. As I neared my old hideout from freshman year: a little courtyard in a hidden garden on our property, I fell to my knees and began crying, begging the grief that had hit me so hard to go away while wishing for the peaceful sounds of the ocean...77

Her eyes opened, fluttering as if she had emerged from sleep. But she hadn't. She was in her personal bathroom, watching the blood pour down her arm. She had been so deep in her memories that she didn't even remember cutting. The bloodied razor blade rested stained on the counter. She lifted it. 78

"Chris?" he called into the house as she winced softly, her eyes tearing as the blade tore into her soft flesh yet again. 79

"Chris - are you there?" he called again. 80

She could hear him moving around in her room. Tears ran cold down her cheeks as her heart wanted so dearly to open the door and run into his protecting grasp. However, there were reasons she had cut herself. Her mother's death had torn a large hole into her heart, an injury that she had felt that she must suffer through alone. She wanted so bad to feel him holding her against the pain, but she knew that he couldn't; for, at the end of everyday, he must go home while she remained holed up in her suffocating room. 81

She had packed two days ago: she had decided to live with her sister in Florida. Lorrie had offered her a place in her mother's home the day that she had called to tell Lorrie that her mother had died. Lorrie would be hurt that she was doing this. Yet, what Lorrie didn't know was that when she had packed, she had packed in accordance to the will she had made in the week after her mother's death. Her adopted father's attorney had helped her with it, probably thinking that she had just felt that she could just go at anytime. She wasn't stupid enough to tell him her ultimate plans. She had written a nine-page letter to Lorrie explaining to her what was happening inside of her head. 82

She had made double sure that no one had believed her death was their fault. She knew that Richard knew how she felt. He'd wanted so bad to stay with her the past few nights, but her dad had all but pushed him out the door each night. 83

...The past few nights had changed me indefinitely. My mother's funeral had been beautiful, no matter what occasion we had gathered there for. I had just sat there, staring into nothingness, my hand being held firmly by his. I had been the first to leave. Terribly upset, I had left the rest of the family before they had reached me. Sitting in the passenger side seat, Richard had refused to let me drive, he touched my chin softly, gently: a brief request for me to look up into his eyes. My eyes met his and I knew that he had felt my every emotion emanating from me. Though my eyes were dry and I had tried so hard to keep calm, he had felt it. "I want her back," I whispered passionately, looking away from the tender look he had been giving me. 84

"I know, love. I know," he whispered, his hand caressing my cheek, his hand soaking up the only tear that I had let go that day. I turned back into him and slipped into his arms. I felt him tighten his grip on me. "I love you," he whispered, his voice a deep, pleasant rumble in his chest. I nodded my agreement as I felt his hand run through the mass of tangles that was my hair; I had just run a brush through it to look somewhat presentable. 85

I tore away from his comforting embrace at the sound of people getting into their cars. "Chris?" he asked me then. I brought my unfocused gaze back to his loving face. "Are you okay?" he had asked softly, carefully watching my gaze go from moments of clarity to eons of despair. 86

"I'm fine, Richard. I'll be okay," I replied. I had thought I'd be fine. Then, I hadn't felt that gigantic hole that had been ripped into my heart. Finally, he leaned over and kissed me gently, his lips warm on my clammy ones. 87

"I don't want to lose you, love. I still need you here, okay?" I had heard the frantic, pleading note in his normally strong and even voice, and had acknowledged the information, but registered it irrelevant for the time being. He kissed me again, his lips lingering on mine for a moment. After he broke away, he whispered softly into my ear. "I'm always going to be here for you, my love. I love you dearly."...88

Her thoughts, returning to the present and his inevitable future, more tears ran down her cheek, her eyes clearly unfocused from the tears that had ravaged her beautiful skin. She had remembered the night after the funeral. She had tried to behave in a happy manner; answering the door with a half-smile, she had accepted the food, condolences and deepest sympathies. All the while, her heart and head screamed against this sudden forced perkiness, demanding her to act somewhat natural. 89

...That night, Richard had come over to make sure I was okay. "I'm fine," I remembered saying, wondering why I had insisted on telling everybody that, while my heart screamed against the sudden emptiness. My father hadn't even acknowledged me once and had left from the funeral to go straight to work. I had failed to understand what I had done wrong. Not understanding, I had resigned to ignorance and had rearranged the house, scrubbing it from floor to ceiling. Finished, I finally collapsed from the exertion and exhaustion I hadn't even felt while cleaning. 90

"You're doing abnormally well," he whispered, taking in the clean surroundings, and pulling me (emotions and all) into his arms. I had cried hard while I remained in his arms, but my mask came on and I wiped away the tears as soon as I had to answer the door again. Finally, I locked the door to friends and family and had led Richard past my father's locked door and into my bedroom. 91

The moment I closed the door, I turned to watch him. For my entertainment, he did a back flip onto my four-poster bed. As he glanced up to watch me, I smiled, feeling my blue eyes light up briefly. "Come here," he whispered, patting the empty space on the bed beside him. 92

He held my gaze as I sat gracefully beside him. He smiled tenderly as my hair fell from the knot at the base of my neck. Chuckling, his had pushed the hair out of my tear-streaked face. He smiled as I leaned over to kiss him. Just as we began to dive into our deeper emotions, he broke away from me. "You're hurting, love. I don't want this to be something that you regret." 93

I kissed him again, softly, gently, easing back into his arms, my eyes fluttering closed. I let all the emotions - the pain of my mother's death and the joy, love and excitement of the touch of his lips - wash over me, tears of happiness rolling down my cheeks. 94

He chuckled softly, brushing away the tears. I looked up into his soft grey gaze and smiled the first of a few real smiles that I'd given anybody since the day my mom had passed away. "Babe," I whispered, my eyes alight with the tenderness that I had always felt for him. "This... this would never be something I would regret. I love you, Richard. I would do almost anything for you. I just need for you to love me back," I said this, holding his gaze with my own. 95

"Oh, baby, if you only knew how much I do love you. Con todo mi corazón," he whispered this into my ear, a twinkle in his grey eyes. 96

I kissed him softly, almost reverently. However, I sighed with exasperation as he pulled away, his serious grey gaze catching my own cerulean one. 97

"You promise you're sure?" he inquired, obviously skeptical. 98

I smiled, a playful smile that lit up my blue eyes. "I promise," I whispered, my hand moving to grip his hands, which were trembling with kempt emotions...99

Her mind snapped horribly back into the present. Without the dulling pleasure of the memories that she had been living, the openings that she had torn into her own flesh pulsed painfully. Her racing thoughts didn't help anything; she couldn't begin to focus on why she was here because already, blood loss had begun to make her dizzy and weak. 100

As she concentrated her unfocused gaze back towards the blade, she began to remember life after her mother's death. 101

...I remembered yesterday. Richard had come over to make sure that I would make it to school okay. Unable to shake him off, I had spent the day with him. We watched Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Special Edition. Or he watched it, more correctly while I stared blankly at the screen. My favorite line, when Aragorn and Gimli rush to save the fort, Gimli says, "Toss me.... But don't tell the Elf," didn't even have any kind of effect on me. I had watched my eyes change as I went through this, when I could actually look at myself in the mirror. My eyes, my favorite thing about myself changed dramatically. Before her death, they had constantly been a brilliant sapphire color that had changed to a clear cerulean from the emotions after her passing, were now just a simple dull, pale blue. Slate, probably, in color. 102

I vaguely remembered an argument between Richard and me and then there had been nothing. I had woken up later on at night to find Richard gone and my father beating on the strangely closed door to check on me. 103

My father left me this morning with his express orders for me to go to school. Somehow, I remembered that argument quite vividly. Maybe it was because of the things that I had screamed back at him. 104

"You know what?" I had asked him. "Just because you're a robot and can't feel a thing doesn't mean that I'm not feeling pain. Maybe it was because you didn't give a damn about what happened to her. But you know what? Screw you, I'll go to school if and when I want and I'll stay home whenever the hell I want to!" I had run back into my room and slammed the door, turning up the stereo, locking out his angry explosions...105

So here she was, emotions, pain and all. The jagged opening in her arm was throbbing horribly. She placed her good arm on the counter top, trying to pull herself up. Finally she collapsed, weakened from the amount of blood she had lost already. 106

She had felt the heaviness in her palm, so she inched her head up to look to see what was lying there. The razor blade still lay firmly in her open palm. 107

"Christina!" She could hear the fear in his frantic voice. 108

Her eyes fluttering closed, she had murmured, "I love you," as she passed out cold. Had she stayed awake just a few moments longer, she would have been able to see the one she had loved the most. Had that morning's events been different, there was the possibility that she wouldn't have torn the 6-inch gashes into her arm, cutting and slicing not only the flesh, but the delicate tendons that had given mobility to her hand. 109

Maybe, if her father hadn't pushed Richard out the door last night, there was the possibility that she wouldn't have fallen so far into the despair that had taken her life. 110

Either way, the last feeling that she had felt before escaping her mortal shell for eternity, was the colossal degree of love she had felt for him and the fear that he wouldn't understand. The last thing she wanted was for him to feel the same ripping despair she had felt just moments before. He would probably never know, but she wanted him to live on through his life because if anything, she would always love him, throughout eternity.111