Nighttime Horror

Abandoned in a dark alley, I try to find my way home walking through a ghost town, I feel a slight cold breeze gliding against my neck, rustling leaves startles me getting frighten I walk faster, then in the distance I see a bright light coming towards me being curious on what it could be I stop in my tracks, The light is getting closer, brighter.1

Being hypnotize by this unexplained light, I feel like I am in a different world being controlled by something else, A loud crash startles me and I snap out of the hypnotizing state, Looking over my shoulder I see a truck turned over and a limp body hanging out of the passenger side window, I run to see exactly what has happen, and to my surprise the person has vanished, How can this be I asked myself.2

Getting more frightened I start to run faster out of this ghost town I make it to a nearby road and in the corner of my eye I see that mysterious light again, suddenly my neck started to feel on fire and piercing pain down my back, Screaming for help I fall onto the road, My body is burning and blood is starting to flow from the back of my neck, What the hell is going on what are you what are you doing to me.3

Crackling laughter is echoing in the distance, I stagger to get up, running for my life I came across a cemetery in the far end I see a run down shack with lights on, panicky I dart across the cemetery plot to make my way towards the shack, approaching the door I heard screaming coming up on me, I bust down the door and slam it shut behind me and lock the door, Frighten I start to search for anybody.4

Coming for the back room of this little shack I heard some crying seem like from a little child, I open the door and in the corner of the room lays a little girl dressed in a pink dress holding a teddy bear, she starts to mumble "Can you help me the monster took my parents", With a horrifying look on my face I approach the little girl, "Sweetie can you tell me exactly what happen", With tears in her eyes and the shock look on her face she tries to find the words to speak.5

"This big monster with red eyes and long teeth came in here and grabbed my parents" she says continually, nodding my head I ask her how old she is and what her name is " I am four and my name is Gabby", "Lady can you please help me"?, "Gabby I will help you, here grab my hand and your teddy bear and we will go find help." Stopping in the kitchen I decided to grab some food for Gabby I didn't want this little girl starve because I didn't know how long she has been without food, after packing some food for her, I search for some weapons I can use if I need to, Gabby pointed me in the direction of her Dad's gun cabinet, just my luck we only had enough ammunition for five shots.6

I pick up Gabby and strap her on my back, "Hon hold on tight and whatever you do please try not to scream", Gabby nods her head and then gently kiss my hair, I feel for this little girl and I am scared on what we are about to face, I slowly reach for the doorknob to unlock it, I take a deep breathe slowly opening the door, I peak my head out so far so good nothing, Gabby pointed me into the direction on where she saw the creature take her parents, the path is very dark and rocky, walking very slowly I have this eerie feeling coming on me, trying to stay calm for Gabby I flash her a smile just to let her know things were going to be alright.7

Reaching the end of the trail we have came across a river bed it was shallow so we start to walk across the river, Suddenly Gabby starts to hit my head I look up at her and her eyes were getting big and her face ghostly white all she could do is point I look at where is was pointing and in the big oak tree hanging from a rope was a male or what was left of a man, his arms and legs were missing and the tendons were all that was left, Gabby let out a faint cry "Daddy" Oh God no she doesn't need to see this, "Gabby sweetie close your eyes very tight", I slowly approach this man and to my surprise this man was barely breathing he opened his eyes and saw his daughter and then looked at me and said "Run now there is no hope" with that said the man died with tears flowing down my face I knew we were dealing with something serious.8

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8
  • misticmoonlite
    August 18, 2005
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    APPRECIATIVE

    wow so moving,so spirited,and detailed..very nice thank you for sharing
    and good luck in this contest!

  • A Deeper Blue
    February 1, 2005
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    You have an excellent concept here; really very creepy. There is just enough info to leave your reader wondering what the monster is. It left me wondering about the little girl - is she what she seems? You are very descriptive, and that’s good. It allows your reader to see what you see when you wrote this, and it’s really exciting! Anyway, this is a wonderful piece, but I think it could stand some revision. There are a LOT of run on sentences in this. In your very first paragraph there are good examples of what I'm talking about. That paragraph could easily be broken up into five or six very powerful sentences, but as it is, there is a rushed feeling to it. I found myself reading it without pausing to take mental breath. Also, I noticed a few areas where you slipped from telling it in present tense to telling it in the past. The last thing I'm going to touch on are paragraphs. Every time a person speaks, there should be a new paragraph started. Just a few tips that I think could turn this from an excellent story into a stellar story, and I hope you don't think I'm picking this apart too much. I really did like it, I promise!! Good luck in your contest, too, if I didn't say that already


  • KrystleCahill
    January 29, 2005
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    'Very Very Great story i hope you win you should it was enjoying to me if i was the judge you would win...i would love to read more of your storys don't stop writeing or don't let anyone put you down you have such a great gift don't let anyone tell you other wise...this story fucking rocks i mean its totaly kicks ass...........................
    Win win win win you should
    --------------------krystle-------------------


  • Night Terrors
    January 29, 2005
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    HORROR RULES I think this is so fuckin cool I love it love it love it I can't wait to see the rest please Oh please post it!
    You have a nack for horror! I must say If this were a movie I would have shit in my pants by now LOL


  • Nicolisis
    January 25, 2005
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    Bloody hell - put the girl down! I know what's coming!! this is friggin scary I need my blankie and my teddy bear Excellent first attempt at a horror story Jenny Wren, Luv Niky xxx

  • SexyAngel0418
    January 25, 2005
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    WOW... This is a really good story!!! I love it... There are a few typos but that's ok!!!

  • Sweet Briar
    January 25, 2005
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    Thank you kimberly... I didn't think that I was cut out to write a story lol.. Well to let you know that I just posted the 2nd part of the story lol... Love ya girl

  • Touchof1der
    January 25, 2005
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    Get the hell out of there you silly wench! Take that girl and leave!!! Damn girl! This is fantastic. You have me so totally hooked now. You better not spend forty years bringing this puppy to a conclusion. I humbly bow to your talent my dear sister!
    ♥ Kimberly

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