Ranting2

I was thinking today about how much I worry people, and how much I worry about them. Actually, I think I only worry like two people, but that’s okay, I’ve got TWO WHOLE PEOPLE! Fucking Ashley is crying because her contact falls out, 9,000 of her buddies are around her, “Oh, my, GOSH! Ashley, are you okay!?” Then there’s me, sitting in the back of the classroom with a safety pin sticking into my arm, with no one noticing. There’s me, hiding behind my hideous smile, telling my friends that I am perfectly fine, when I know I’m not. They seem to believe me, at least they act like they do, no one really cares enough to come to save me. For instance, at one of the basketball games I had brought my switch blade and I said that I would be right back. Everyone knew I had my switch blade, everyone saw that I was on the verge of tears, but did anyone go outside to try to stop me from digging the knife into my arm? No, of course not, they had to watch the boys’ varsity lose yet another game. I was the one that convinced myself that it wasn’t worth it, I was the one that closed the blade, I was the one that put it back in my pocket, none of my friends. Joe saw my blood shot eyes and I just told him that I had taken a few hits because I didn’t feel too happy, and I smiled.1

It just makes me mad how they are, how if they ever need a shoulder to cry on, they’ll drench my shirt, but they will never tell me what is wrong. They go and talk to some of the ‘beautiful’ people. Now I am talking about physical appearances, NOT personality wise. I guess they just feel more comfortable talking to someone that isn’t like…me. I just don’t know what to do any more. I wish I did, but I don’t. It just kills me to think that no one really cares. I mean, sure, they would notice if I was dead, I mean, who else’s shirt could the drench? But will they really miss me? Will my four reasons for getting up each morning miss me if I died tonight? I don’t think they would. I think that they would notice that I wasn’t coming back about three weeks after I died. They would cry for an hour, and then go back to their lives. But I’m going to keep putting my ‘smile’ on every morning. Because I don’t put make up on, why not a fake smile? 2

I want to help my friends so badly. They mean so much to mean, even though I apparently mean nothing to them. No one every really talked to me before in my life, and I finally meet some people that will go to concerts with me, that will sit with me at lunch, that will acknowledge my existence. But the councilor said to me today that I can’t save people from drowning by jumping in the water with them. It’s too bad he doesn’t know that I’m the one that needs the life raft. I’m in the water already, and there are no boats near me, and I just kept swimming in a direction instead of just giving up and drowning. People in their boats passed me by, the picked up other people, they helped everyone but me. I finally reach some people that have yet to be saved and I am now with them. I want to hoist them onto a boat; I don’t care if I drown in the process, as long as they are safe from the waves. But now people are coming along and helping the people that were drowning as well out. They are getting tossed the life rafts, and I receive nothing. The people in the water are just concerned about getting out of the water themselves, rather than checking to make sure that I am okay. I’m sure one of these days, when the people in the water with me are safely on the boat, and it is going off in the opposite direction, I’ll drown, and there will be no one there to help me…3