Old Betty Henderson: Let's Go Shopping!

1

Old Betty Henderson walked into the front door of the new, giant grocery store. Red and yellow signs fluttered the superstore, showing all of the incredible bargains. As Betty took her first few steps into the land of the groceries, she noticed that the store was overpopulated. Busy shoppers were dispersed all around, taking everything that was on sale. Mrs. Henderson grabbed herself a cart and instantly got busy.2

She had been having a hard time lately. Horrible things seemed to follow her wherever she went. First, she had demolished a brand new computer. Then, she accidentally burnt down a house. And once she thought the worst had peaked, she destroyed part of her own home in a tragic sleep-walking... or... sleep-kicking... nahh more like a sleep-cannon-balling incident.3

Betty needed to get her mind off of these horrible events and she felt that shopping was a great way to do so.  She put her hand into her pocket and pulled out her grocery list. The first thing on her list was a few cans of corn. 4

She immediantly began to walk on over to the aisle where all of the canned goods were. She wasted not a precious second, as she held her cane strongly in her left hand. Pushing with her arm, the cane made it so much easier for the poor, old woman to make it to the aisle. As she was progressively making her way to the first item on her list, Old Henderson was stopped by a stack of displayed corn. The cans were stacked to form a giant pyramid, and a large sign, labeled "Buy one, get one free," stuck to the front of the enormous pile.5

"Oh my!" said Betty. "In my day, a can of corn cost a nickel... Now they're practically free! For once, something good has happened to the world!" 6

Not believeing the incredible bargain, she pulled out her reading glasses to check the price. The glasses had been in her purse the whole day, so they were full of crumbs and specks. "Damn it," said Betty. "Crap shit glasses."7

She grabbed a handkerchief and wiped the crud off of her glasses. Then, after checking to make sure no one was looking, she threw the dirty napkin on to the ground. "No one will notice," she said with an evil grin.8

Betty headed closer to the Grand Corn Pyramid of Walmart to finally see the price with her glasses on. She placed her cane right smack in the middle of a tile and pushed herself a whole foot closer. Mrs. Henderson then placed her cane on another tile and slid even closer to the prized corn. She caught on to her repeated movements. "Wow," said Betty. "This is like a game... I can do this without looking!"9

Mrs. Henderson then closed her eyes and jammed her cane on to the floor. She expected bonus points in this so-called game of hers, but they never came. The end of the cane landed on her handkerchief, and the entire cane flew backwords into the air. It twirled around and around, dazzling the old woman.10

As the cane continued on its destructive path, it nailed a salesman. The weapon flew into his face and he was literally thrown into a wall. He slid back and landed on a $99.99 vacuum cleaner. The salesman collided with the ground, landing on the other end of the vacuum. This caused a bouncing sensation, and the cane flew forward and was now back in the air. It sounded like the blades of a helicopter as it spun around in it's deadly pace. "Oh shit... It's coming for me!" she roared. 11

She screamed and started dashing for her life. To avoid contact with her walking-tool of destruction, she leaped forward. Into the stack of corn she flew! Cans busted open and flew all over her face. Her old, fat butt forced a few cans to explode. Corn shot into her mouth, and she started having trouble breathing. She spit yellow chunks all over the tiled floor, as her asthma attack began. This poor old lady was doomed!12

All of the cans parted like the Red Sea. As her body continued to move forward, her stomach crashed in to the base of the display case. "Fuck!" she screamed. Well, she tried to scream but all that came out of the choking hag was a burpish squeal. She kicked and she wobbled with her arms and legs hanging over the table. She jolted off the corn rack and landed on the tiled floor. "Poo butt bran muffin orange argh grrr ass bra Oprah!" she screamed. Her pain was putting random words into her mouth.13

She rested on the floor, trying to get her breathe. She found that it was easier to do so when she moved her body around. She shook her body on the floor like a fish out of water. It appeared as if she was celebrating a floor-tile fiesta!14

The salesman slowly got up and his bones cracked in several places. The cane had hit him really hard. As he stood on his feet, he pulled a tube from the vacuum cleaner out of his pants. He was full of shock, confusion, and amazement at the Kung Fu Granny. He walked on over with horrible forehead pains. He soon met with the jiggling Betty.15

"Are you alright, m'am?" he asked her. "By the way, my name's Bob." 16

Bob stuck out his hand and helped the poor woman up. As she tugged on his hands, her body was still trembling. When she got all the way up, she finally focused her thoughts.17

"Yeah... crap... I'll be... er... fine," she said. "Uhh... I just need to... er... uh... use the restroom. Which direction is it in?" 18

The injured salesman pointed to his left and Betty immediantly dashed in that direction. For some reason, her horrible experience made her want to potty really badly. It wasn't the average tinkle... she was feeling horrible pains of discomfort.19

As she made her way in to the bathroom, she jumped in a stall and quickly sat down. As she let her body do what it did best, Mrs. Henderson just sat and waited. 20

Thoughts rushed into her mind and she began to laugh. She was realizing that she had injured a man with a cane, and then she had run away from him. Silly Betty started chuckling hysterically as she sat on the toilet. Between laughs, she let out huge farts.21

When she had that natural feeling that she was done doing her business, she grabbed for the toilet paper. Sadly, the roll was empty. "Crap shit butter ass cock grr argh ahh poo poo paper tit oatmeal!" she murmurred to herself.22

She partially pulled up her pants, and wiggled her way off the toilet. She unlatched the door in front of her and dashed to the next stall. She sat down on the seat and reached for the toilet paper... there was not a single paper strip in the entire restroom.23

"Shit grr argh..." she said with a very sad sigh. "I'll be stranded here forever!" She began to feel really bad and thoughts of panic began to crowd in her mind. But as things began to seem hopeless, an idea came to her. "Oh wait a minute..." thought Betty. "This store sells toilet paper! I'm saved!" Old Henderson became proud of her plan, and she didn't waste a second as she shimmied up her pants and walked out of the bathroom.24

As Betty walked out of the restroom with her pants half off, she felt a small breeze. She headed her way over to the toilet paper aisle and immediately grabbed the most confortable roll. "Wow... I've found another bargain!" she exclaimed. She headed back towards the restroom, but she soon realized that she had forgotten to do an important thing.25

As Betty walked to the check out line, random shoppers eyed the bizarre, old lady. Some people quickly ran away, and others covered their noses. Mrs. Henderson did not care about what others thought, because she was completely out of it. Perhaps her own fumes had gotten to her head.26

As she stood in the long line, all of the people in front of her quickly got out of their positions and shrieked in horror. 27

"Hmmm... how convienent," she said. "Maybe today isn't such a bad day afterall!"28

Betty placed the toilet paper on the moving counter. It was very handy because the weak Betty did not have to walk any closer to the clerk. As the paper slid towards the clerk, the clerk smiled. This showed that she was very thankful for the technology as well.29

"Is this all?" said the clerk. 30

"Uhh... well, actually..." began Betty. 31

Mrs. Henderson looked around for a moment, not saying a single word. Once she found the item that she was looking for, she headed towards it. "I'd like this copy of the Saturday Paper," she said. "Sometimes it can get boring on that lonely shitter."32

"Would you like this in a bag?" said the clerk who was trying so hard not to be rude.33

"Oh... sure, that'd be great!" said Betty. She still had no clue as to what the hell she was really doing.34

Betty smiled and then looked around at the aloof crowd of people, who were all staring and pointing at her exposed, smelly undergarments. One small, cute little boy stepped forward. "Mommy mommy!" he said. "She smells like poo poo!"35

Mrs. Henderson immediately became mad. It was not her fault that she had become stranded on the toilet. It was the fault of some fat man who had finished off the roll of paper, because of his choice to eat that extra chilli taco. He should be the one who receives the teasing punishment, not great Betty!36

An angry Mrs. Henderson turned around and looked at the small child. She had to get him to leave her alone before he attracted attention. An evil expression formed on her face and the little boy took a step back. The child had unleashed the monster within Betty. As she began to talk, her voice sounded very demonic. "The reason I smell like poo poo is because I eat and shit out little kids like you!"37

The innocent child ran and hugged his mommy. "Wahhhhhh! She's the B-Word Mommy!" he said.38

Betty quickly ran off and headed back to the restroom. As she passed the crowd of distant watchers, she noticed them all fleeing towards the other direction. Screams and shouts of havoc and chaos could be heard by every single one of them... especially the crying little boy.39

Mrs. Henderson finished reading the sports section, and then flushed the toilet. As she "cleansed" herself, she ended up using the entire roll. "Phew..." she said. "That whole roll of paper was well worth it!"40

She finished up, and walked out of the bathroom. Right as she swung open the doors, she saw Bob waiting for her. She walked up to him and was surprised to see an unhappy look on his face.41

"What's wrong?" asked Betty.42

Bob lifted his head up from the sad, dark position it was in and began talking at once. "You've cost the store so much money!" he said.43

"I'm confused," said Old Henderson. "I paid for all of the toilet paper... plus... I gave it all back! I mean... er... if you don't believe me, check the toilet!"44

Bob looked pissed. He didn't think her remark was funny. Apparently, the old woman did not realize all that she had done. She had ruined a corn display, tiled floors, a vacuum cleaner, and a little boy's life. 45

"That's not what I mean..." he began. "Uh... hmm... what about all of the corn you destroyed?"46

Silence occured for a long moment, but it was soon washed out. 47

A loud uproar came from the direction in which Betty was standing.  She put her hands on her stomach and started laughing hysterically... again. It appeared as if she was going to have a second asthma attack.48

"What is so darn funny?" said Bob with a confused look on his face. "What about all of the corn you destroyed?"49

Betty let out a few more giggles and finally spit out what was so fricken funny. "Are you not hearing me?" she said. "I said to check the damn toilet!"50