An excruciating pain shivered up my spine. I cried out abruptly, trembling in the dark. My skin was itchy and dry, my body stiff and weak. I watched my chest pulse up and down as I fought to breathe. Slowly, my eyes fluttered open, revealing more darkness. Fuck, I thought. What t he fuck. I slid my hand out from under me and brought it close to my face, biting down hard into my bottom lip. My arm was popped out of place, and seeing it made me scream out once again. 1
It hurt, everything hurt. I held my arm tightly with the other, large droplets of salty tears slipping down my round cheeks. With a gradual strength, I sat up,leaning my bones and bruises against a gritty wall behind me. My eyes squeezed shut. This is just a nightmare, just a nightmare. It couldn't happen. Whatever was happening, it couldn't. Goosebumps traveled across my skin. When i finally opened my eyes again, I saw blurry circles of white. Eyes.2
"Hello?"My voice echoed in the silence.3
"Shhhhh. Please! Dont...dont talk!"Another voice responded somewhere close by, but they were not to be seen.4
I focused my pupils. "Why?"I whispered instead, rocking my arm back and fourth like a newborn child. Just looking at it made me want to scream for a third time. "Where are we?"5
"Be quiet!"A deeper voice chimed.6
More? I squinted, gazing around in the dark. I could make out shapes and figures, all squatted down and kneeling and laying. Like some sick game of hide and seek. In a closer vicinity, i could see a teenage boy, wearing nothing but some shorts, leaning against the very same wall. "Hello?"My voice came out squeaky, the tears were pushing against my eyes. 7
"Hey, you have to be quiet okay.."His face was pale. 8
Cries escaped my lips. "but-but.."9
"Shhh. Its okay..just wait.."10
More tears rolled, for what seemed like forever. Whoever it was in this hellhole with me, were sitting perfectly still. I looked at my bare feet. What happened to my blue flipflops? There was a scratch on my leg. I touched it, blood smearing across my orangey tan skin. I thought of something quickly that made me almost attempt to smile. My mom would have said, "Oh my goodness, Cassie, go put some peroxide on that thing!" She said that every time I had a cut. 11
A light flickered on and then off very briefly. Much too briefly. I caught a better glimpse of the room. It was disgusting. Water dripped from the ceiling, cracks crawled their way up the brick walls. The floor was covered over with gritty, silt. And there were chains. Everywhere. 12
I nearly jumped out of my skin when the boy scooted beside me. He looked frail and sick, like he'd been there for years. I could tell his eyes were blue, but right then they looked dark grey. "Please tell me whats going on.."13
"Its too hard to explain that simply, when all of us, all 12 of us aren't even sure what's happening. But listen, we have to be quiet. You don't know what could happen. Ive seen something really bad before," He paused, rubbing his eyes, "they take us up to this room, i've never been up there. But one of the other girls that had, never spoke another word."14
My eyes watered again. "Who? Who takes us up where?"15
"Im not sure what to call them. The kidnappers I guess. They take us to the light.."16
"It's always dark in here?"My words came out quickly.17
"Yes. From what ive seen so far."18
"Im cold.."I whisper, beginning to tremble even harder than before. 19
He stalled for a long time, then scooted even closer so our shoulders pressed. "You'll get used to it."20
"I dont want to get used to it.."I whimpered stubbornly. "I dont understand.."21
"No one does. But sometimes they leave us alone for a good while, even give us food. But if we make too much noise or try to escape, well, they bring us up there and do whatever they do. Whats your name?"He explained, trying to avoid making eye contact.22
"Cassie."23
"Brayden."24
"How long have you been here?"25
He pondered a bit. "Maybe a month, i dont know. I stopped counting."26
A few more tears slipped down my face, making a maze around my scattered freckles. My eyes felt heavy. I leaned my head against Brayden's shoulder, because he was the only one there. He let me, and stayed very still. Just as I shut my swollen lids, I saw him do the same. 27
Tell me what you think, its only the beginning!
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Interesting
I read the prologue of this story a while ago.A,very intriguing read.
A few typos,as in par 1- when you wrote (what t he fuck.)You left a space between the word the.
Par 2, You wrote (i finally). It, should be a capital I.The word I should always be in a capital letter, even in the middle of a sentence.
Par 14, (i've) should be, I've. Same thing in Par 18.
Par 16,(Im) should be, I'm. Same thing in Par 19.
Par 21, (dont) should be, don't.
Apart from the few typos a,great read.It, keeps the reader wanting to know more. I dont understand, why havn't you written another chapter?
Keep on writing
Julie

beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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intriguing
Wow. I thought I knew what was going on. I thought we were hearing the voices of either EMTs or the people on the street who found her. Then, suddenly, BAM! you pulled the rug out from under me. Very nice work. I can't wait to read more.
If you're going to use ellipses, like in line 10, you need 3 of them...but if they end a sentence, as in line 16, you need 4, with the 4th counting as the period to that sentence. -
Very good
I'm not sure if this was rape or something else. It got me intrigued and I want to read more. So I hope to read some more of this real soon. The writing is fine that I could tell I am with you.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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I HAVE to read more of this!!!!! You have my hooked already! I think this is a very good start and very detailed. What do they o in that room? Why are those people there? Hmm....I need to know now, lol. Only a few typos, and I don't think that 'He let me, just say very still.'
I think you meant to say something like, 'He let me, keeping very still.' Or, 'He let me, as long as I stayed still.'
Anyway, I have to read more so more, more, more!!!!!
Kais =) x x

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Great Work!
Brilliant opening.
for that!
Line 1 "excruciat-ed" should be "-ing".
If it is excruciating, it won't be a "shiver", it will be a "stab".
Be careful with "its/it's"
Apostrophe!
Several missed out!
The last line, "just say very still" confused me, lol.
Very intriguing story. I can honestly sa I've never read one like this!
HT
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