Shut Up!

When I died and went to Heaven, I got to meet her Godliness, after causing somewhat of a commotion by tripping and falling while walking through the Pearly Gates. But I struggled up, and went resolutely on to meet the imperial She.1

She issued me my wings, and then said, "We have to think of a name for you, no mortal names are allowed here in Heaven". 2

I promptly saluted, and then said, "Yes, ma'am, I understand, Heaven can't be like Earth, we have to do things differently up here, and whatever you name me, I will gladly accept, for I worship you and respect you, I don't care what anybody says, you are my idol, my being, my saviour, it is an honor to be in your presence, I will be a slave for you, I worship the clouds you walk on, I love you..."3

And then God cut me off, and said, "Shut up".4

I saluted again, and said, "Shut up"?5

"Yes, Shut Up, that is your new name", she said.6

I then saluted three times, and bowed twice, and said, "Oh, thank you, thank you, my royal idol, I am forever in your grace for giving me such a fine name, do you have any clouds that need mowing, may I bathe your feet, may I climb the highest mountain, may I..."7

"Shut Up", God said, holding her head in her hands. "Go put your wings on and practice flying a little bit, I have a job for you".8

"Yes ma'am, your royal imperious idolatry, forsooth, I am on my way, and I shall not sway, be assured of my competence, just call me the James Bond of the clouds, loyal, and unbending..."9

"Shut Up", said God, her head now between her knees, "just go and do it, okay"?10

And so I left immediately, and went to the flying cloud practice fields, and fitted my wings on my back. And then I started soaring, down through clouds, up through clouds, doing quite great, thought I. Why, I only ran over three cherubs...11

Then I went back to God to get my assignment. I saluted fifteen times and bowed ten times, and said, "My royal, omnipresent, idolatrous, supreme [and extreme] being, protector of us all, most worshipped one, I am here to report for duty, having learned how to fly, I am ready for any task you may give me, and I am sworn to carry it out, no..."12

"Shut Up", said God, her head beginning to sag again. "Here is what I want you to do. The universal time is off by twelve seconds, so I want you to fly back down to Earth and set Mrs. Jones grandfather clock back twelve seconds. She lives in Topeka, Kansas, do you think you can handle that"?13

"Sure!", I said, "sounds like a piece of cake to me! But what about the atomic clock in Washington, D.C."?14

"That clock doesn't control the universal time, Shut Up", said God. "Only Mrs. Jones grandfather clock does".15

So, I took off for Earth, the flight down went rather smoothly until I entered the atmosphere flying a little too low, and hit the peak of Mt. Everest. Boy, were those Yeti surprised to see me, but I dusted the snow off my wings, and took off once again. Then I saw a city down below, and thought it might be Topeka, so I dove down to land. Unfortunately, I slammed into this huge metal tower, and dazedly fluttered to the ground. An elderly couple helped me up, and I asked them if this was Topeka.16

"No", they said, "this is Paris, France, and you just put a dent in the Eiffel Tower".17

"Oh", I said, "I'm sorry, I was a bit disoriented, but here is God's credit card number, She will take care of the repairs". 18

"She?", they said. And I had to explain to them about God being a woman and all that, and then I took off again. I only hit two buildings on my way out.19

Flying again, I looked down through the cloud cover and saw another city, and thought "Aha! This might be it!", and swooped down to make another landing. I smashed right into the side of Buckingham Palace, dislodgeing several stones, and fluttered to the ground just outside the fence.20

There were two guards standing there at the gate to the palace, so I walked up and asked them, "Which way to Topeka, Kansas"! And they just stood there, as if I didn't even exist. I reiterated my request several times, but the just kept their place, stoically looking off into the distance. Finally, I stomped their toes, and walked off, but they were wearing steel toed boots anyway.21

I went down the sidewalk for a fair piece, and encountered an elderly couple.22

"Do you know where Topeka, Kansas is?" I inquired. They pointed to the west and said, "about 5000 miles". I thanked them and saluted them twice and bowed once and then took off in the direction they pointed, realizing I wasn't too close yet. I only had two mishaps on the way out, I banged into a big clock and shattered the glass on it, and then groggily flew down low and knocked over some stones in a place they call Stonehenge. But soon, I righted myself, and was on my way over the Atlantic Ocean. As soon as I saw the coast of North America, I dove down once again.23

Unfortunately, I came in a little too low once again, and knocked the head off what they call "The Statue of Libery", right before slamming into the side of the Empire State Building. Stunned by the building hit, I fluttered to the ground once more, encountering a young couple there. "Is this Kansas?", I groggily said.24

They pointed to the west, saying, "Youse in de wrong place, bro, Kansas about 1500 miles dat way, mid-continent".25

So I saluted them three times and bowed twice, and headed out of town. "Merry Christmas" I said to them, not realizing it was still July. "Shut Up", they said, and I still wonder to this day how they knew my name.26

Anyway, I managed to miss most everything on my way out, except for the George Washington bridge, I hope they get it repaired soon, the traffic was already terrible. At last, I finally got enough air under me to miss most everything, and flew toward the middle of the USA. Right before I got to Kansas, I whipped out my laptop and typed in Emily Jones, Topeka, Kansas [I didn't have the zip code], and sure enough, there she was, living on Happy Trails Drive, just outside of downtown Topeka. From my position in the clouds, I could see a place that looked like Kansas, so I dove down for yet another landing. But this time I came in really too low, and smashed into a combine that was reaping some wheat.27

The farmer got out of his machine, and said disgustedly, "What the Hell are you doing"?28

I replied, "I'm not doing anything in the name of Hell, sir, I am doing this in the name of Heaven, I can assure you that the damage done to your machine was purely accidental, and She who lives above will make it right with you, the idolatrous one, the Queen of us all, our magic empress, our light, our encouragement, the essence of our being, the..."29

And the farmer said, "Shut Up, how are you going to pay for the damage to my combine"? So, I gave him God's credit card number as well, and flew off wondering how he knew my name. 30

But, at last, I am in Topeka, wandering down Happy Trails Drive, looking for Emily Jones house. It wasn't too hard, her house was the 33rd one on the left side of the street. I walked up, and rang her doorbell. She promptly answered, and said "Yes?".31

I said, "Madam, I am here to adjust your clock!".32

"Shut Up", she said, and slammed the door in my face.33

A little perplexed, and with no way of entry, I decided to go back down the street to a phone booth I had espied on the way in, and give God a call. I dialed her phone number [463-568-3968, or God Love You, on your alpha-numeric key pad], She answered on the third ring.34

"Shut Up", she said, "what do you want?". 35

"Your imperial majesty, Queen of all our hearts, the center of our adoration, the missing piece in the puzzle, worshipped by all, wearer of the Holy Crown, our source of life and death, our..."36

"Shut up", she said, "WHAT DO YOU WANT"?37

"Well you see, your worshipness, I am here in Topeka, but Ms. Jones won't let me in, although she knows my name, which everyone here on Earth seems to know, I must be famous, but how am I going to adjust her clock..."38

"Shut up", God said, "you're an angel, you can make yourself invisible and walk through walls if necessary".39

"I can?", I said.40

"Shut up", her worshipness began, "you didn't read your Angel's handbook did you? All you have to do is think you are invisible and you will be".41

"Read the manual? Why no, your lordliness, I didn't, I never ask for directions, I always figure it out on my own, I'm sharp that way, just like the way I worship you, when I get back to Heaven, can I run some bath water for you, and mop your floors, and..."42

"Shut up", she said, and hung up on me. Hmmmm, I thought, She must be really, really busy today...43

Anyways, I thought I'd try out this "invisible" thing She told me about, so looking at my reflection in the glass of the phone booth, I thought "I'm invisible", and POOF!, my reflection vanished. Pretty good trick there, most adored one, I thought, and hiked back to Ms. Jones house.44

When I got there, I climbed the stairs to the porch, and thought "I can walk through walls", and you know what, I did it, walking straight through the wall and into her living room. Ms. Jones was asleep in her recliner in front of the TV.45

So I walked over to her grandfather clock, and carefully, carefully moved the second hand back twelve seconds, and then walked over to Ms. Jones and lightly kissed her on the head, and left. God was to later tell me that I saved the Earth from being hit by a comet by making this tiny adjustment in time, go figure.46

So now I'm winging my way back to heaven. I accidentally bumped into the sun, and knocked a tiny chunk off it, then I got a little too close to Saturn and dislodged a couple of its rings, but I'm sure She can fix it.47

Then I got to thinking I should call God and give Her my report on how well the mission had gone, and tell Her how much I loved and idolized Her, and offer to iron Her curtains and wash the dishes, and whatever else She needed done. So I whipped out my cell phone, but before I could even start dialing, I heard a thunderclap, and the universe seemed to shake and wobble, and the stars brightened and flooded the dark of space with light. And a blue square appeared in the middle of it all, bearing a message.48

"SHUT UP", it said.49