There was a dragonfly flying around Calduggan Street on that night in the middle of August- miles away from the nearest pond. 1
If anybody noticed the curiousness of this event, they did not dwell on it. 2
It was Gerry Carr's belief that there is a reason for everything, and that was the thought which he consoled himself with as he lay in bed, utterly alone, his awareness of his time on this Earth coming to an end increasing with each strained breath. 3
Clean air was harder to come by these days, particularly in the smoggy city of Liverpool, where he now made his home. It was to this he attributed the chronic breathing difficulty which had plagued him in recent years, and bound him to his bed in recent days.4
He wanted to give up, to move on. It was as he thought this that a dragonfly with deep blue wings entered through the open window. Gerry regarded it, and somehow he knew. Recognising it immediately, he whispered in a hoarse, dying man's tone, one word, a name: 5
"Maudie."6
At this, the dragonfly advanced closer, and settled on Gerry's trembling finger. 7
"I knew it were you, love." Gerry breathed, his voice barely audible now. Then he closed his eyes. The dragonfly stayed with him until he had moved on, and then went on to the new place with him. Gerry was immediately struck by how much easier breathing was in this new place. He knew where he was after a moment's pause. He didn't need to try any more. He had made it to a better place. 8
Author notes
This is my favourite story because I wrote it for a dear friend of mine. She never got to read it, but I hope she would like it.
For Short stories: My favourite colour is purple.
"I was paying attention to the rules, Val."
A contest entry
- Short Stories by Reaver.
455 points, ended June 13, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What Is Perfection? by Frozen Angel.
225 points, ended July 20, 2008, 31 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Are You A Good Writer? PROVE IT!! by Miss Hanako Cullen.
450 points, ended July 27, 2008, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Choices! by Writing0Freedom.
825 points, ended August 12, 2008, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Faltered Wings....and Uneven Things..... 2! by Forgotten Tink..
175 points, ended August 24, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - 5 Options!!!! by Distancerunner19.
320 points, ended August 17, 2008, 18 entries
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Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Got Clap? (Prewrites Only!) by Valkyrie.
650 points, ended September 20, 2008, 35 entries
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168 points, ended September 17, 2008, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Does it seem rushed
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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I love this story
You are clearly much wiser than your listed age. I have lost someone dear to me this year and it was a wonderful (but sad) image. Thank you.
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Aw...I loved this. The ending was so sweet. (: I really really loved it! It was beautiful and sad and just what I wanted to read right now. (I lost three people this year.)
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Very sweet. It's a good little story, it seemed a little rushed but not overly, it still flowed nicely and made sense. Great Work!
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Oh, nice! Short and powerful. I'd have to say maybe a teensy bit rushed, but only because I wanted to learn a smidge more about Gerry before he passed on. It's just beautiful; the dragonfly was a great touch. I
dragonflies! I think that stories for friends are some of the most powerful stories there are; you can say exactly what you need to, to reach an audience of one. Bravo! Thanks for entering, and good luck!
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thats so beautiful! i loved it! omgosh. this is like the most amazing short ive ever read! excellent job. i loved it!
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Awww, this was cute and sad at the same time, I really liked it. there was one thing I picked up on thought, in the last paragraph you wrote, '"I knew it were you, love." Gerry breathed' I think it would flow better if you changed the 'were' to 'was', but that's just my opinion. Either way it was a well written story, with just enough detail to breing the emotions out, great job, and good luck in my contest.
-Dani -
I really enjoyed this. It was beautifully written. And I really liked the idea that someone from his past took him away as a dragonfly.
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What option did you use?
I love this , I think its really sweet and beautiful. I thought the description was just perfect and the boys condition was interesting. Let me know what option you used though K, I can't judge if you don't.
Thanks for entering though! Well written piece!
WritingFreedom -
Well I liked it. The wording of the last two sentences were beautiful.
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Good... but it wasn't making me weep, thanks for the entering.
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This was really good. The descriptions and details were great. I liked it, but I didn't see tons of emotion. There was a little, but not enough to elicit any certain emotion from me. It was good, but it could stand to be longer.
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I liked the ending of this story, it seemed very bittersweet. I don't think the story was rushed or anything. You did a great job on this. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this.
*Frozen Angel* -
Very good use of the dragonfly. I didn't fully get i, but the overall idea behind it was good.
-HT
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This is lovely really sad yet nice. You used the imagery of the dragonfly very well and I didn't feel that it was rushed. It was a touching short story which fits in well with the category of losing someone in my contest. Thank you for entering and good luck
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nicely done. as many people have said - i love your use of imagery. good luck =)
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Previously read and commented...and loved it!
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Love the use of imagery that you use to symbolise the feelings of your narrative voice. A nicely evocative piece which captures a mood very effectively.I also liked the ending, it was moving and nicely written without falling into the realms of sentiment. Well done.
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A very moving piece. The choice of words and grammar near perfect. The idea of using a dragonfly was a fantastic touch and very curious... was it something that just popped into your head, or has it added meaning? Tell us, if you can, please.
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Beautiful language and flow; flawless. I thought every line was well constructed and just plain wonderful. Great read.
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Aw, that was wonderful. Even though it was peaceful, it was still very, very sad and moving.
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i read the first two sentences and was like...this sounds familiar lol. and hten i was like OHH I'VE READ THIS! i commented on it a while ago. I loved it then and i love it now.
good job =)
and thanks for enteringgg<3 -
I really like this. great idea in the story. I really like the emotion.
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wow this is so sad, and I love your writing and everything that was put into it!! BRAVO
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That was so...WONDERFUL! I loooooved the dragonfly part. The ending was so sad. Loooooved the way you wrote this. Goooooood job! *clap* Keep writing. Hehe, mew!
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Brevity, clarity and emotion - bravo
I admire the depth of feeling you encapsulate in such a brief, and well written, scene. Congratulations. The imagery and sensuousness are very touching.
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THis was very well written and incredibly thoughtful. I sort of felt like it should continue, but i enjoyed it. Thanks for entering!
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This is a great story, I liked it a lot. Kind of sad, but in a subtle way. Beautiful in it's own way, too. Great job =)
I have a few suggestions as to how you can improve:
In the first paragraph, you don't need the word on.
Try for curiosity instead of curiousness.
In the third paragraph, I suggest you replace the comma after alone with a period, and start a new sentence. Also, try wording it "...Earth increasingly coming to an end..."
Thats all I found, which I think is really good =)
~Aura ♥ -
very pretty piece!
all of it flows very well and very beautifully until the last paragraph.
it just seems a little choppy and doesnt flow as smoothly as the rest it.
but its very sweet and i think the contrast between the "smoggy city" and the dragonfly is really good.
there was one incorrect spelling, and should "were" be "was"?
other than that, very nice job!
thanks for entering and good luck! -
200 hundred word limits are nearly impossible to work within—so I salute your effort.
Nice piece of writing, emotional and easy to follow, it easily captured and held my interest.
It does seem a bit incompletely, that wouldn’t be so noticeable if Gerry hadn’t said “Maudie.” making one immediately want to know who is Maudie?
If she came into this world as a dragonfly, why does she still appear as one in the better place or does she?
200 hundred word limits are nearly impossible to work within—so I salute your effort.
I wouldn’t even try
.
Geri
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Aw, this was so sweet and meaningful. The title really attracted me and made me smile. The beginning also caught my attention, especially the line "If anybody noticed the curiousness of this event, they did not dwell on it." I loved the dragonfly and the role it played in the story. And the ending felt peaceful. I didn't even mind that this was only 200 words. You did a great job.
Thanks so much for entering my contest, and good luck!
-jj
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A lovely, though short piece, with plenty of potential for expansion. I realise that this was written in a short space of time, but it does have the potential to be extraordinary. It may be me, but I felt that the piece needed more descriptions. Though nicely emotive, the writing was rather bland.
For instance, in paragraph 5, you write;
'...a dragonfly with deep blue wings entered through the open window.'
Dragonflies are quite beautiful insects, and perhaps you could have used the description of the dragonfly to contrast with your character's dull surrounds. As Solidarity notes below, you do use rather plain terms when discussing the dragonfly's movement.
I would suggest re-writing the appearance of the dragonfly - make the reader 'see' it as something other than just an ordinary insect. -
Good story! Really good. Keep on writing!
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You know, for the shortness of it, you really do have a complete story here. Would I like to see it expanded? Of course, but that's just me. Everything can be expanded, but you packed nice story in this short little piece.
I didn't find the ending rushed at all. You set it up in the opening, which was a nice touch. Can you spruce it up a bit with more exciting description? Of course you can.
This has an undertone of emotion, which we don't really see until the end. This is why I think it can be expanded to feed the reader that bit of emotion earlier. Nice story and heartfelt.
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The ending does seem a little hurried, as if you had a beautiful image in your mind and jotted down notes before it slipped away. Perhaps the ending could be developed for more images? From "The dragonfly stayed" it seems like a brief summary of what happened, with "new place" and "place" repeated three times and "breathing" twice. Maybe either imagery, more variety, or more in-depth description would make the passing more real to the reader?
As for the rest of the story, I have a few nit-picks about the beginning.
The line "If anybody noticed the curiousness of this event, they did not dwell on it." snags me. It was the "curiousness of this event" - clear informative telling the reader "Hey, look, this is curious!" but the reader should have already gotten that from the story opening, so if you do wish to include a comment from an omniscient narrator, maybe it could be just "If anybody noticed, they did not dwell on it."? For me, that's more to the point, and leads directly into the next paragraph.
Another thing I noticed is the use of "It was":
- "It was Gerry Carr's belief that there is a reason for everything,"
- "It was as he thought this that a dragonfly with deep blue wings entered through the open window"
Perhaps for both of those, a more focused alternative would be a direct "subject + verb" approach?:
"Gerry Carr believed that there is a reason for everything,"
Here, there is more focus on the character, and the belief is more immediate. (Side note: Perhaps "There was a reason" since the rest of the story is in past tense?)
"He wanted to give up, to move on. The dragonfly with deep blue wings entered through the open window."
Here I cut out the "as" since I felt that the chronology was made clear by the order of the sentences - however, I understand that this might not be what you want for your prose. It's simply a possible suggestion.
My final critique would be that the "dragonfly entered", "advanced closer", and "stayed" are very bland descriptions of a dragonfly moving and not moving. When I think of the insect I imagine fluttering, perching, alighting, flicking its wings, etc. Was the use of simple and bland verbs deliberate? If not, maybe some more specific diction would strengthen the ethereal and mysterious feel of this dragonfly in the story.
As for the overall story, I thought the idea was lovely and the full image was a heart-jerker in the making. Dying is a hard subject to address in a short piece, and this is a worthy short fiction.
Kind regards,
Solidarity
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this was good. I dont think everything happens for a reason, but i do believe that many things do have reasons behind them, but we just dont know, but not every little thing. If a pen falls off a table is it for a reason?
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I loved this.
I have a belief that after everything, after every piece of crap that we go through in life (including losses of loves and lives), we will end up in a better place...
where we will be reunited with the ones we lost.
The voice in this was just.. I can't quite put a finger on it. But it just drew me in.
200 words? It felt more than just 200 words.
Thanks for this.
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the language in this story was great, but it nearly drew a tear to my eye in the end. the descriptions were great and the whole story made the concept of 'moving on' much more peaceful. Great job!
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Is Gerry, in the beginning, referring to the dragon fly when he says there is a reason for everything? if so, I think it should be clearer like "reason for everything, even a tiny dragon fly, and that was" If he's not talking about the dragon fly, i'd make more of a transition.
that a dragonfly with deep blue wings entered through the open window.
** I think it should be "the" instead of a.
"I knew it were you, love."
**was you?
I think it's a beautiful story. Maybe if you write more about the back story of the relationship with maudie, it would have a greater emotional impact on the reader. But, tis very good as it stands.
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Great writing, but sad.
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this is written very well. it has a lot of imagery, and it flows smoothly which is excellent!
well done, it doesnt seem rushed at all!
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really good
it does not at all seem rushed, rather it seems like you spent your time on it. It is really ver good and I could not find too many grammar erros. The first two paragraphs , however, were oddly hard to follow but once I read them the second time I realized how well written they were. Good job overall, and i hope this has help =)
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