[ Dear Abby,1 ]

Dear Abby,1

I write in the knowledge that when you read these words I will be dead, a thought that claws my soul but an inescapable one. They won’t let me see you because they tell me I’m a sinner and must suffer. I don’t choose this death but I’m glad I meet my maker as an honest man. The Crown has long ago tried to seize Groton, although I heard those who risked all by petitioning for my liberty, salvaged what they could and still hold everything for my heirs. My estate will be fairly divided and there is a separate paper for you regarding this. I beg you Abby, please don’t refuse any of it. I am grateful to be blessed with my sons, they loved you Abby, they really did, as I loved you, as I still do. I’ve loved you more than my own life; you’ve made me happier than I have ever thought possible. You are always in my dreams, I dream of you and our children, the children I will never know. I see our daughter with your dark hair and my eyes, a serious, solemn faced little girl, quick to temper like me. And what of our new child, I wonder if you will bear me another son?2

They say we sinned in what we did, but I have no regrets, none at all. I blessed the day I brought you to Groton, your eyes revealed such spirit I felt I could love you. I can recall every moment, every touch, every sensation of that cold February day in the barn, but we didn’t care about the temperature. I couldn’t help myself when I saw you there, distraught because I’d thoughtlessly chided you. I’m so sorry I did that, but I had to, I couldn’t risk you. I was sure she already knew how I felt, betrayed by my own body; you’ll never know how often I had to turn away from you. But when I saw you there, I swear, I wanted you so much I could barely contain myself when I was finally inside you. You were so perfect and I loved you then more than my own life, I couldn’t tear my eyes from your face and I loved you so, I really did. I love you, I love you in spite of all they’ve flung at us, I love you Abigail Williams, I’ve never loved anyone else. I told you, my family dictated my union in spite of the fact I was a grown man, but I would never love her.3

When she was gone was the happiest I have ever known. I wanted to watch you every moment when you slept; I longed to share every thought, every dream with you. You touched far more than my body Abby, you touched my soul and always left me a contented man. I cursed the day she came back and knew then our lives would change, and of course they did. Now I understand some of your reasoning because you must have felt such fear and I failed you so much, and in failing you I failed myself. Abby, I beg you to understand now why I did what I did when she put you out. If I’d known the truth I swear I would never, never have gone to Boston with Giles Corey, I wouldn’t have even contemplated leaving you alone with her. It wasn’t through fear of damnation or any guilt towards my damned wife that I seemed to return to the winter of that wretched marriage. The real reason is a testimony to her cruelty. She claimed you bewitched the boys and practised foul deeds on them particularly as they slept. She said Griggs would support her and I couldn’t see you accused, I couldn’t bear the thought of you examined, beaten and tortured. And of course, that damn jade Mary Warren conspired with her, threatening me with lechery, using what had passed between us as evidence. That damn woman knew all about us, even when we were careful. I should have fled to you, I should have been stronger, I should have been a man, and I’ll die ashamed of my cowardice in failing you that winter.4

Those damned promises to accuse you hurt me, especially her threats about the boys. She’d use all she could to divide and hurt us, and I knew she would have her way, if only temporarily. Who would have taken your part against her? You would have proved an easy target, and I believed she’d ruin us both, which is why I did what I did. I’m not proud, but I couldn’t, wouldn’t forget you, and keep away from Salem. Coward that I am, I was absent for over four months, those months when I know you must have hated me. All I could do was curse, fling pots at her head, a caged beast roaming my farm, I didn’t care for myself, I hated myself. I hated myself for my cowardice, for having no guts to stand up to her but I was so afraid of what she and Mary Warren would do to you. Even the boys knew my rage, they missed you so much, continually defying their mother and tormenting that wretched jade. I tried to tell myself I shouldn’t love you, I shouldn’t love you in order to protect you. I didn’t care if I’d sinned in breaking my marriage oath but I couldn’t ruin you. I just couldn’t. Cowardice and ignorance kept me away, if I’d I known the truth, I would have smashed her down and fled to you. 5

How could I have known when I saw you again, that you’d given birth to our daughter? I couldn’t help myself, I couldn’t. I had such a virtuous intention of telling you we had no future, that we must be apart. I heard myself turning you away, you of all others, you Abby who gave me everything, you who is worth more than my life. But I swear to you, I had to if only to save you from her. I tried, I really tried to believe what I said, but your face taught me I had no place in that marriage. My heart and body craved you but I wouldn’t have it any other way, why should I? I thank God you determined we would have our way, and we did. Those days and nights, even those hurried, snatched hours with you were my life, they’re the memories I’ll wear on the day they hang me. That damned woman could never make me feel as you did. I can’t bear her, all about her repulses me, but my love for you is finer than anything I’ve ever known. I’m not such a fool to believe our separation is God’s will, no; it’s the evil of your damned uncle, the infernal Putnams and my wretched wife. It’s the will of man that divides us and destroys us.6

My time draws close, when the sun’s up they’ll drag me to Gallows Hill, and I pray you’re not there, I don’t want you to see me. Remember me as I held you. Remember me in the first light of day with the sun filtering through our window, when we first awoke, or of when I loved you, not for what I will become. When you read this I’ll be cold in the earth and I pray you’re safe from Salem. Let Betty take you, she’s a good friend to us. Promise me Abby, promise me you will care for yourself, do as she says and take what is rightfully yours. Don’t seek me out, you won’t find any resting place, I know what’ll happen to my body, there’ll be no grave, I’m a condemned witch and I will die as such. But I won’t die alone; I know you’ll be with me, your letter close to my heart. I loved you, I always will, you must know that. You loved me, and you still do, I know you will love me always. These will be my final thoughts when they place that bitter rope about my neck. I pray you’ll forgive my cowardice, my failure when you most needed me. I always swore to protect you, but I let you down, and for that I’m so sorry. My final thoughts will be of you, of your face as you loved me.7

The cock has crowed, I can hear footsteps approaching and must cease. Your image is imprinted on my mind and your fingers will touch my flesh. Trust in Hale, he’s a good man, it’s because of him I can write this for you, I don’t know when you will receive it or even how, but I trust him. He’s so different from that damned minister who called himself your uncle, Hale has never condemned us and I know if you need him he’ll protect you, as I couldn’t. Make sure you read and act upon the other paper I attach to this. Perhaps one day you’ll know our daughter again, I sincerely wish I could, but it’s not to be and that saddens me, I would have loved you and our children so very, very, much.8

Farewell Abby, such trite words. Rest assured that no man could have loved you as I did, no man could have desired you as I did. I yearned to protect you but when I was tested I was found wanting, and for that I am sorry. Believe me when I tell you Abby, I loved you. I will always love you, be safe in that knowledge Abigail Williams. I love you. Be sure to take proper care of yourself and the future we created. Think softly of me from time to time, that’s all I ask. But always know this and never forget it, I love you.9

John