Desire, Fear and Guilt

10…9…8… The children laugh joyfully. 7…6…5… the unaware public continues to play around the fair at Kingsford Smith. 4…3… so close to the climax he begins to think about the journey. His journey the path from where he had come to where he stands now. He knows this is it. He starts to question himself, over and over, how did it come to this? What would they think? 1

His mother’s teachings and beliefs forced themselves into his mind. They ran round and round his troubled mind mimicking the salient carousel ahead. His uncontrollable weakness was going to ruin so much more then his sensitive conscience…2

How did he get to this place in his life? To get to this state of mind? He was always a good man; well-educated, firm regular at church. Evil, he had recently discovered, will squeeze itself into any open heart. He wished he knew how to close it up tight. He stared at the suitcase which he had abandoned on the carousel’s sparkly surface. As the loud, slightly eerie sound of the carousel ran into his receiving ears, he remembered the situation he was in not so long ago. The first step, the purchase. It really was your average, unidentifiable brown leather suitcase, very professional in appearance. He remembered thinking that it was quite pleasing aesthetically. She had taken his hand with Her own and gave him an intense look of love. Those luscious lips, painted in burgundy, had spelt out Her request simply yet strongly. “It’s perfect…” She urged him with a slight pull of the hand to complete the purchase. The money left his hand and he realised She could ask him to run to the end of the world and he would die trying… 3

Those lips…those sexy bedroom eyes; Who could resist? He knew Her hold over him but intentionally chose not to fight it. His mother used to tell him stories of the young women of the world, the devils in disguise with their manipulation and strength. 4

And here She was; quite aware of the extent of her controlling and influential eyes, her brown legs…absolute perfection in themselves, and further armed with the knowledge of how to wiggle her hips as she walked just enough to drive his middle-aged, desire-filled lust to its fullest. He remembered thinking, not for the last time; Oh, what I wouldn’t do to kiss those lips, to stroke those legs, to hold those hips tightly… his reasoning behind the madness.5

It seems even perfection has flaws, not that he would ever think of it as a flaw. Perhaps She had just a minor, misjudged sense of morality…6

He leaves memory lane and really notices the looks upon the faces of the innocent. The joy, the purity and absolute naivety in an unsuspecting child’s eyes is hard to ignore. He laughed quietly to himself, if only She could hear his thoughts, She just might gag.7

“…Amy…don’t go too far from me…” A mother says warningly.8

As soon as the words leave her lips, he returns to his determined persona. Bingo!9

1…0… the unseen, unheard countdown timer expired. “BANG!” the unnoticed, tedious suitcase flew into the sky, suddenly invisible in the clouded mist of fog suddenly released. 10

The panic begins. The cheerful eyes of the children quickly morphs into confused, tear-filled solemn faces, dashing desperately for their mothers, who are screaming their missing child’s name out frantically. The desperation, fear and confusion circled the park’s area as thick as the fog itself.11

“Amy” he whispers. “Amy…” He spots her blonde curls through the mist. “That’s it Amy, come here, I know where Mummy is…Just a few more steps…” A tiny outreached hand by little Amy seals her fate. And as he runs from the loud, blinking carousel with his hand firmly clasped over Amy’s mouth, he is certain he heard a mother’s plea “Amy…”12

As the mist clears, sight is available again to the confused and scared audience around the carousel. Amy’s fear is clearly evident as she squeezes her eyes closed; she remains almost lifeless and with her mouth gagged, no sound can be heard. She has even stopped struggling to free her arms and legs from their binds. 13

His guilt is making his stomach churn and brings upon a mouthful of vomit of which, with his mouth shut tight, he swallows back down.14

The car was an automatic; something that he was grateful for, it basically drove itself. It’s heavily tinted windows made nosy drivers visibility impossible and he could direct his concentration on controlling his trembling hands. He thinks about the poor little girl whose life he was ruining for the sexy woman whose legs were worth dying for… worth killing for? 15

He shudders again when he realises he can not escape from his own truthful secrets. Lies will not be believed nor accept by their owners. 16

As the full extent of his actions hit him, he pulls over the car to think about his future plans. He lets loose a phenomenal screech then regaining fearlessness, he drives on. He began mumbling to himself, “All this for a piece of arse… but wow…I will go down with this ship” He looses himself in her image. He puzzles over the reasoning behind Her request… the reasoning behind the unique abduction staged, the particular specific details he needed to comply with; blonde hair, curls, no older then five years old, brown olive skin and baby blue eyes. When he was first told of the specifics of her demand he almost laughed out loud… She wanted a mini-her. Her serious demeanor wiped the smile off his face and he returned to a serious and deeply composed frame of mind. She was not impressed by stupidity and would not tolerate incompetence.17

His brain continues to think about it some more, why does She want a child? Why not have one Herself? He had never, not in a million years, imagined that She, his object of desire, would ever be a mother nor have the maternal instinct. Or would She hurt the child…Amy… would She exploit her? He doesn’t really believe She would do harm to the child so as the light went from red to green, he continues on the direct path he had been instructed to take on more then one occasion. She wanted everything to be perfect.18

Amy was sobbing loudly again. He tries to reassure her as best he can from the driver’s seat. He feels terrible; once again he pulls over, tasting vomit rise back up his weak throat. He recovers and rummages through the glove box. He finds a pack of mint lollies he had used to help freshen his breath once; apparently they help cigarette cravings as well, but as he lit up yet another cigarette, he thought maybe that was incorrect.19

Making sure as to not blow smoke into Amy’s face; passive smoking is bad for children he had also been told, he pulls off the tape over her mouth. She takes a deep breath, in, out, in, out. Tears well up in her eyes and just as she is beginning to cry, he puts his finger to his own lips; “Shhh…Lets play a game. But only if you don’t cry or scream, ok?” She nods to him shyly. “Good girl” he comforts her, handing her the lolly packet, and began the game, “I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…”20

“… This is it Amy. Mummy is waiting inside” Amy could, even at her young age, hear the slight fear and concern in his calming voice. Amy looks carefully and slowly out of the car widow at the foreign house. She notices there were no pretty flowers or singing birdies in this garden. 21

The front door opens…22

Fear consumes her; this isn’t Mummy…23