I Lost Him

My life has been absolutly terrible since my boyfriend moved away. He said he needed some space, but all I needed was him. Maybe I was being too clingy. Either way, he's gone now and all I have left is the feeling that somehow it's not going to be okay. 1

Ryan and I had been dating for about a year when one day I found him packing his stuff. He had a plane ticket in his hand and the look on his face like he didn't care if it would kill me if he left, even though it almost did. It really hurt that he would leave me like this, but he did.2

For the two months since Ryan has left, I've clung to the quote "sometimes in order to figure out if they're right for you, you just have to let them go. If they are right for you, they will come back." My sister said that to me. I'm pretty sure she got that quote from somewhere. Knowing her, and her love of cliches, it's probably a cliche that I've heard so many times that I'm numb to it. I think she rephrased it though. I digress3

In the six months that Ryan and I had been dating, we moved in with one another in a swanky New York loft that was a fortune to pay for, but totally worth it because it had lots of room. Ryan always helped pay the rent and we had signed a year-long contract so either way, I was stuck with a bigger bill than I could handle. Immediatly, I sent out roomate wanted posters and started the search for someone who would be fit to live as my roomate. 4

However, no one could possibly even start to take Ryan's place. Considering most of the potential roomates were NYU college students looking for a good place to throw a party, I don't think that those people could take anyone's place. 5

I settled on the decision to keep the place to myself. It wouldn't be easy. I had enlisted the help of my savings account, EBay, and I worked a lot of shifts at my boring, but well-paying, upper-managment positions at a local bank.6

Every night that I came home, I was heartbroken all over again. The place was so big, and so empty. I'm not saying Ryan was a large man, but somehow sharing that place with another person made the space seem so much more managable. 7

The worst part about the whole exoerience was that I never once talked to Ryan. I didn't even know where he was, or what he was doing there. I didn't even know if we were technically still in a relationship. 8

Every night made me cry. Without Ryan's body in the queen-sized bed that we once shared, my life suddenly felt hopeless. I felt like somehow Ryan's leaving was my fault, but I didn't even know what I did. I wanted to know so bad if he still loved me, or if he just wanted to get away from me. It practically killed me to think of the reasons why he would've left me.9

Something strange started happening about a week after Ryan left. I started having dreams that were just about me sleeping next to Ryan. These dreams would be so realistic that I could've sworn that the whole Ryan leaving fiasco was just a dream. Alas, I would wake up and find that there wasn't anyone there. I would be alone and saddened. 10

Every night I would pray that Ryan be kept safe. I would hope that Ryan would be there when I got up in the morning and nothing about our relationship would've changed. That never was the case. 11

There would be times when I would be in such deep thought that I would tune out the world for hours on end. Eventually, I just went through the motions of life just to get through another day. My life was meaningless without Ryan, or so I thought.12

The phone rang and I answered "Hello."13

A familiar voice chimed, "hey baby I miss you." It was Ryan and for some reason I suddenly realized that I didn't even need him. Maybe I realized what the look on his face was the look that says "I don't care about you anymore."14

"Really,Ryan? Then why did you leave." I replied.15

"You know I love you. That will never change, but I really just needed to get away from everything for awhile. I'll be back in four more months."16

"You needed a break from everything? Everything, including me right?" I said, finally realizing that all my suspisions about him leaving being my fault were actually true.17

"No, that's not it at all." He said, clearly lying.18

"Ok. Then why couldn't I go along with you?"19

"Well, I figured you had your job and I just wanted what's best for both of us." He attempted to explain.20

"What's best for both of us? Yeah, right. I expect full payment for the rent when you get here. Other than that, we're done." I said and then quickly hung up the phone before I could change my mind. 21

It felt good to be single again. I felt like I didn't have to worry about anything offending my boyfriend. It felt good to make a clean start, the world seemed new again.22

I recieved a check in the mail about two weeks after I broke up with Ryan. There was only a small note that read:23

Brittany--24

I really do love you. The real reason I went away was to buy you a ring. I think you're way too paranoid for me. How could you even claim I would do something like that, that really hurt. Anyway, use the money I would've bought us an engagement ring with to pay your stupid rent.25

Love always,26

Ryan.27

I fell to the floor crying. I had just ended the best relationship of my life because my paranoia had gotten me. Right now I could be engaged to an amazing guy. He really is everything I ever dreamed of. Now, I don't even know where he is. I haven't spoken to him that night. Maybe I will run into him someday, when my paranoia calms down. Maybe then everything will go back to the way they were. However, as much as people want to think the world is small, it really isn't at all.