“Hi, I’m Mark,” Said the man, sitting next to me on the bench.1
I had half a mind to get up and walk away, but none of the other benches were empty. I just kept sitting and ignored him. He raised his hand forward for a handshake. I looked away, hoping he’d get the message and leave me alone. 2
He kept sitting there for sometime, munching ravenously on his sandwich. I tried to ignore the sounds of him chewing the lettuce or cabbage or whatever it was, but it was just too loud.3
“So your name is Caleb?” He spoke, wiping his fingers with a tissue. 4
My eyes darted toward him, a frown appearing on my forehead. “How the hell did he know my name?” I thought to myself. I continued to frown at him, waiting for an answer to the question I didn't feel the need to actually ask. 5
“It’s written on your note-book, Caleb Amethyst?” He finally replied, “What an interesting last name.” 6
I flipped my note-book upside down so he could not read anything else. 7
“It’s not.” I replied sulkily, “It’s my birthstone. I don’t have a last-name.” 8
The man raised his eyebrow at me and smiled. I guess he found it pretty amusing that I used my birthstone as my last name. But I didn't have a last name. I never really knew what it was. I wanted one, so I just put the first thing that came into my mind. 9
“The amethyst is a rather beautiful and intoxicating colour.” He spoke, hoping to start a conversation. 10
I looked at him and nodded. He looked to be in his early thirties or maybe late twenties. I was hardly to tell. He had pale skin, which was a little wrinkled from the corners of his eyes. His hair was a deep chestnut brown, and really thick. It was really hard telling how old he was. 11
I didn't mind his presence anymore, but there was something in him that made me want to run away. I was still hoping he’d leave me alone. I guess he reminded me a lot of Tom. His eyes were the same shade of green and his deep brown hair was also the same. The uncanny resemblance, and the more I thought about it, actually sent shivers down my spine.12
“I have to go back to the orphanage.” I exclaimed as I got up, “It’s kind of far, and I need to be back there by three.”13
“I can drop you if you want,” he smiled, getting up himself, “You’re a rather obedient teenager aren’t you?” 14
“Yea…no, it’s okay.” I kept looking down, trying not to make eye-contact. 15
“It’s really no bother, I…” He replied. 16
“...I said no” I spoke rather coldly, and walked away. 17
*18
“Where is it!?” I shouted, turning my drawer upside down, throwing all the contents on the floor.19
I ransacked my whole room. The closet was empty, with all the clothes lying on the floor. The mattress was flipped, and all the drawers were opened and emptied. I had checked twice…no…thrice, even the bathroom and my friend, Aqua’s room. But I couldn’t find it anywhere. I wanted to pull my hair out at that point. 20
“Caleb, relax. We’ll find it.” Aqua patted me on the back, trying to calm me down. 21
“Urgh! Where is it?” I grabbed my hair and sat down. 22
Aqua suggested we go out and get something to eat, and them come back to find it once I had calmed down. I didn’t feel like going out, but I didn't want to argue either, so I agreed. 23
We stopped at Freddy’s for a hamburger and some fries. Not too hungry, I only ate a few fries, and spent the rest of the time being disgusted by Aqua’s unearthly table manners. She grabbed the fries and stuffed them in the burger, and chewed like a cow. Did anyone have eating manners? I highly doubted it. 24
Considering how busy she was, in eating, I suppose she didn't notice the some sauce fall on her shirt just ready to leave a permanent stain. I got up immediately to get some tissues. But I got up so hastily, I didn't notice the guy coming from behind me. He crashed right into me, spilling all of his soda down my back.25
I looked back with a nasty glare, only to realize it was the same guy from the park.26
“Oh hey, it’s you, Amethyst.” The guy exclaimed, “It’s me, Mark. From the park?”27
“My name is Caleb. Hello Mark from the park.” I replied without much care. 28
I was more attentive towards the cold liquid pouring down my back, making my shirt cling to my body. I squirmed a little, trying hard not to show much of my agitation. 29
“I’m so sorry about that.” He laughed, handing me some tissues, “We should take that to the bathroom.” 30
“No, it’s okay. I can take care of it myself.” I replied, not looking at him. 31
“Alright,” he replied, rather offended by my behavior, “I’ve been looking all over for you, Amethyst.”32
“My name is Caleb!” I replied much louder this time, “And why?”33
“I think I have something that belongs to you.” He spoke rather enthusiastically, “Your notebook. You left it at the park.”34
“Really, you have it?” I asked, finally looking at him, “You have it right now? What…do you want in return?”35
“Nothing, silly.” He laughed, “Just pick it up from my house, tomorrow by six. Here’s the address.”36
“Your house?” I asked, not exactly comfortable with that. 37
“Yeah, and if I’m not at home, there’s an extra key under one of the plants.” He winked and left. 38
I shuddered. Mark was just making me so uneasy. The nicknames, the winking, calling me to his house. I just wasn't taking it very well. I was not so sure if I wanted to go get the notebook myself or not. But I really wanted it back.39
I did not like being confused. 40
*41
_________________________________________________________________42
Grabbing my arm, he pulled me towards himself. I tried to break free, but I was too weak. I was just too tiny compared to his massive physique. Nevertheless, I tried my hardest to push him back. 43
(Please, Tom!)44
He laughed at my pitiful attempts and pulled me into a deep kiss. His hands explored every inch of my body as his tongue explored my mouth. I kept trying. I kept trying to make him stop. Hot tears fell profusely, stinging my red eyes as I continued to try.45
(Tom, let me go! Please!)46
He stopped kissing, and smiled. I begged him to leave me. Every part of my body ached and my mind was racing. The heart pounded as if ready to rip my chest open and jump out. But I begged. I pleaded with all the energy I had left for him to let me go. He just laughed some more.47
Pushing me to the ground, he lied down on top of me, mercilessly tearing my clothes off, ignoring my muffled screams from behind the piece of cloth…48
(No Tom! Please! I’m begging you. God help me!)49
__________________________________________________________________50
I got up with a jolt, sweat pouring down my forehead like a waterfall. My mouth was as dry as cotton, and my whole body was trembling. 51
“Oh, crap...” I whispered to myself, trying to find my voice. 52
I wrapped my arms around myself, 53
Looking to my side, I noticed I had knocked over the lamp on my bedside table. In no time at all, Aqua knocked at my door. 54
“Caleb? You alright?” She asked, rushing inside. 55
“I’m….erm…I’m okay.” I replied, “Just had a bad dream.”56
“You sure you’re alright?” She pressed her hand against my forehead, then my cheek.57
Her concern and soft hands made me smile. I nodded and she smiled back. She got up slowly signaling me to go back to bed, and left. 58
It had been a whole week and I had not decided whether I should go or not. Mark, apparently, had gotten my number from my notebook and he kept calling and texting me. It wasn't really helping, just putting more and more bad images in my head.59
I had just laid down to go back to sleep when my cell phone vibrated, and I got yet another message from Mark. 60
“Caleb, its mark. I dno if u’r awake but dat buk’s strting to rot. Com get it, plz.61
From: +92321-415-6137”62
I finally replied.63
“No.64
From: Amethyst”65
“Huh? Y not?”66
From: +92321-415-613767
“I dunno. Plz stay away from me.”68
From: Amethyst. 69
“Luk. If u’r nt comfrtble. I cud just giv it 2 u at the park. It’s relli far tho. Jst com and get it.70
From: +92321-415-613771
“….f9. I’l com by in the evening tmw. Try ur best nt to be there.”72
From: Amethyst73
“….? Bye.”74
From: +92321-415-613775
Author notes
Woot! still needs to be edited! I'm edited it alittle thanks to Taylor and Alex! ^^ But if you think I should change anything else! Just gimme a comment! thanks alot for reading! ^^
A contest entry
- Novel Starts... by Reaver.
170 points, ended June 1, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Be as critical as you want...just don't destroy me! T_T
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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Distrubingly, teeth-clenchingly good
At first I kept thinking to myself how cliche it was ith an angsty orphan teen having a bitter meeting with a strange man at the park, but the more I read the deeper I fell into the plot's grasp. I practically had my face pressed against the screen of my moniter by line 48. This story brings a shudder to the spine and revives the fear of predators. It plays on the fear of being powerless and of the horrid "what if" I will read more
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I must read on.
This first chapter really was good. I'm happy I stumbled over this story. It does need to be edited, but I don't mind reading over the errors.
The interesting plot makes up for errors ^.^
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Eek!
Poor boy.
I'm still trying to figure out how old he is?
Amethyst is such a hot name.
I'll probably be stealing it from you.
Nice work, I liked this a lot.
A little creepy.... but that's not always a bad thing.
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Wow. I read chapter three first, like the dipstick I am, lol, but now it's making much more sense. Brilliant job ! I really really liked it. I want to know more about everything, so I'm off to read the next chapter right now ! Great work !
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I like how it starts. Only a few paragraphs in I think you have a solid start and a great narrator's personality.
Aww no... Paragraph 12, he lightens up by saying "I didn't mind his presence anymore." keep him annoyed, that i-don't-give-a-shit personality is so rare and so fun to watch. Suggestion for the last sentence of this paragraph: the more I thought about it, his uncanny resemblance sent shivers down my spine.
Para 13 I think you mean there, not three.
Lol this guy Mark sounds pervy.
59: hed gotten? I think you mean had.
Ok I think this story has a lot of promise and it was a real pleasure to read. I really liked what you did with the texting, though it got confusing once someone told the other they'll be coming but the other should try not to be there.
However, I noticed a change in Caleb's personality and I'm kinda sad because not only did I like it the way it was at the beginning, but it seemed to have changed for no reason. I mean I can understand a breakdown over time, but he doesn't seem to be shoved hard enough for that to begin. Just my two thoughts.
Anyway great job. If I see you in CB some time link me the other parts I'm interested in seeing what goes on.
Hope it stays interesting, and good luck with the rest of the chapters.
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Wow this was awesome I cannot believe that I missed one of the awesomeset <( Is that a word?)
This was wicked Im gonna go read the other chapters
Thanks 4 posting this
Missi
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Awesome story! I like Caleb. The emotions here were intense; it just made me want to keep reading!
And that Mark guy....I can see why Caleb wants to stay away from him. I wonder what's going to happen in the next chapter... -
coolness
I really like this...I am a bit confused though...I am going to read the next chapter! -
MM...My turn to comment!yay its brilliant! the description & display of caleb's character is speckless although you could add a few sentences about his family
still faboulous! well done aaez!!
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Pardon the lateness...
I really enjoyed this piece, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to comment.
I love Caleb's character so far. There are intense emotions, and I really love the dream bit. He is so passionate about his notebook, and the dreams. He's strong, but helpless at the same time..throughout, I mean. Mark is creepy, though. You don't come outright with that, though. You don't just outwardly make him a creep, but through Caleb's feelings towards him, with the uncomfortable-ness, really makes him seem just.. *shudders.* Very well written, and I love the transitions and the..erm..intense-ness? I don't want to make superly long comments, but I think I did that already, it's a wonderful piece.
P.S. I read this as SOON as you wrote it, and I got the message that you posted it. It just took me a while to respond. >.<
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YAY! Thank you!!!
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Have I never told you.. No thanking for honesty. >=o
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THIS IS AWSOME! I LOVE IT! hehehe...
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This was so good, very amazing, just hte sheer emotion you put into this is great, I love it!
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great
i like this start. very intesting. already hooked to it. -
i liked it!!!!!!
it seemed really interesting. i really did enjoy it. The begining does draw me in actually. it was really good. -
Very good start! Would have liked better descriptions and some sentences were choppy, but i loved it! Opened many questions that would keep a reader wanting more/interested. Will definately be reading more of this! Thanks for entering!
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1. Watch your adjectives. I know you're trying to paint a picture but some of your adjectives need looking at.
2. Where was the bench you were sitting on? A park? Were there other people? Sights? Sounds?
3. Was there something in the notebook she didn't want the man to know about? Could be a reason for the protagonist to go to the house. Some kind of bribe, maybe.
Good premise, though. Just needs some atmosphere and tension. -
I shall get the grammar blah out of the way.
"I suppose she didn't notice the some sauce fall" line 25, is awkward. You know what to do.
When you type speech, end it with a comma f it's a "said/responded/any synonym of "said".
E: line 31.
"...“No, it’s okay. I can take care of it myself.” I replied, not looking at him. 31..."
Change the period after "myself" to a comma.
The next word will begin with a capital letter. Also, when you continue, like in line 35, after "at him", you need a full stop (period) as the character is now speaking a new sentence.
Line 43, "lied" is wrong form. Common mistake no big. Use "lay" instead.
Wow, Aaez, this is great! I'm getting a horrible feeling of impending doom now...
Hope nothing happens!
I like how you've worded it. Apart from those errors,there wasn't much else. Also like the tension and the flashback. Very fitting.
Great read Aaez. Thank you for asking me to look at this. Glad I did.
HT
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This I really good... gives me alot of bad memories though. I'm going to read the next one now, great job!
Damian -
lalalala
*reading through the story, looking at the comments, wait....what? Aaez made this!?!? oh mai gad
!*
Aaez. YOU ARE GOOD.
although i usually don't like teen fiction this was great!
i am so proud! hahaha
and just as Lawliet, my comment box got yellow!
anyways, i think everyone else already pointed the mispellings, so it's up to me to just congratulate you and encourage you to keep writing!
congratulations, keep writing!
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Aw damn, cliff hanger. you better finish this soon..-_- I really enjoyed reading it.. Hurry up and finish it. I'm horrible with reconizing grammar mistakes and shyt.. cuz im very bad myself, so i ddint see any mistakes.
the texting part was good.. using IM talk lol. The dream part was very interesting too.. Can't wait to read more.
~Winter.
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strange (in a gd way)
i have to admit it was intrigiuing wandering where you are going with it I like the dream idea though it was good to throw it in. nice work. and hey get writing ur fire dancer! lmao
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I love how you always start smack bang in the action and creat inruguing charactacter that i just want to knoe more about - already i want lettuce.. (Ish a rabbit)...
I also enjoy readint this because of the way you describe the characters: an example- deep chesnut brown... that color is just so rich in my mind, I could see him clearly.
It was quiet sad at the start to think that he did not have a last name ~ ive heard it a lot and it saddens me, because a name is a way of indentifying with a person.
Again you made me hungry you betch _mmm hamburger with lettuce - orphanage o.o so sad
OH MY SOMEONE GETS NARKY - MY name is Caleb... wonders how pissed he would be if he kept calling him amethyst - is intruiged about why youchose that name.
OMG noo noo rape.... RAPE I say ... (wonders if you got inspiration from a certain god willing ? i love that story and I love how you set this one out as well.. both different yet attractive and addictive... (ish sick)
He left his notebook at the park ^.^
Okay overall I found that to be really COOL!!!like not even old school just really mad to read - write more now or ill bite {I bite hard}
Blair
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Great start
I like the way you have sructured this and set up the characters and the memory of "Tom " that haunts him. Now we are left wondering if Mark is another sexual encounter or the lost father who is carefully trying to get back into Caleb's life. Sooo many possibilities.
Didn't notice corrections in first read and I am usually pretty critical of spelling and grammar issues.
Liked the cell texting concept.
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Hey, man. Aye, this one good, very nicely done, very nice.
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I really really like this I want more!!!
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: )
I love it Aaez, brings such drama and scary-ness-ness (?) to the table. I want more of this, like now...right NOW! tahaha, no this is reallly goooooood i love it. Wright more!
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this is really really good Aaez. What happens next? Please keep writing. I want to find out how this turns out. Really good job! Keep penning.
Ice
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The suspense! I like how you carried the narrator's voice through the entire piece with his discomfort of people eating and chewing around him. I feel like it really ties the story together well. I'm confused about his dream; if it had been me, I'd be saying a lot more than "oh crap" when I woke up. Other than that part, the dialogue seemed pretty consistent and fitting.
In paragraph 24 you talk about "eating habits" and the idea didn't translate very well for me. Are you meaning to comment on her disgusting table manners?
Also, in paragraph 12 you reference Mark's resemblance to time. Is Time a person or is it meant to be mysterious?
Interesting read, and I'll keep an eye out for the next installment.
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YAY!! actually I think you read it wrong..or I wrote it wrong!
...either way, it's not Time, it's Tom. xD...I looked again...I did write it wrong!!! -_____- thanks for pointing that out! THank you for reading! =D
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Ohh! That definitely makes all the difference.
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ooo.... the comment box is all yellow! WOWIE, I wonder how it got like that..... O.O *is easily distracted*
Otays, otays. Hehe. I think this is good so far, and I'm looking foreward to reading the next part ^-^ The descriptions are nice, and I like it how easily you portray Caleb's uneasy feelings about that guy from the park.... Mark, was his name? I also think I really like Aqua I know that she hasn't had much show-time so far but... haha... I still like her ^_^ ....Aaand, the comment box is still yellow. Interesting *squinty eyes* Okai, c'mon, get back on topic here O.o
OOOOOOTAY! Time foar teh much awaited EDITING!
WOOT!
♥ (1)"I had half a mind to get up and walk away, but none of the other benches was empty."
That "was" should be "were".
♥ (2)"He raised his hand forward for a handshake. I look away, hoping he’d get the message and leave me alone."
Okay, in most of the story you use the words in past-tense (I hope I know what I'm talking about -_-) But in the beginning it's a little choppy 'cause you keep switching back and forth for a few paragraphs or something. "look" should be "looked", and Idk if there were a few others or not that I might have missed *shrugs*
♥ (3)"But I did not have a last name."
Some parts would flow better if you connected the words, er, like, "did not" would sound better as "didn't", that happened a couple other times I think, too, but I didn't think there was much of a point in putting all of them in here
♥ (4)"It was really hard, telling how old he would be.
I did not mind presence anymore, but there was something in him that made me want to run away."
This sentence needs editing >.< There shouldn't be a comma after "hard", "would be" should be "was", "did not" would sound better as "didn't", and that's it Hee ^-^
♥ (5)"His eyes were the same shade of green and his deep brown hair."
It took me a few moments of thinking to understand that you meant their hair was the same. I thought that you had just ended the sentence in the middle on accident or something, but then I realized you were explaining that their hair was the same- so the sentence should be more like, "His eyes were the same shade of green, and his deep brown hair was the same as well." ^-^
♥ (6)“I said, No!” I spoke rather coldly, and walked away."
I can imagine that if someone was speaking coldly, it would be more like, "I said no." without much emotion. With the comma and exclaimation point, it made me picture him as angry, and maybe even hot-tempered, not cold.
♥ (7)"Not too hungry, I only ate a few fries, and spent the rest of the time, being disgusted by Aqua’s unearthly eating habits."
There shouldn't be a comma after "time".
♥ (8)"On the verge of throwing up, I got up immediately to rush to the bathroom."
I don't really get why he felt like he was going to throw up, was it because of Aqua's gross eating? You might want to... like... define that, or whatever the word is
♥ (9)"I just, was not taking it too well. I was not so sure if I wanted to go get the notebook myself or not. But I really wanted it back."
That first sentence should probably be something more like, "I just wasn't taking it very well." And again, with the connecting words in the second sentence, with "was not" being "wasn't", and that's it ^_^
And after that, what's with the abh? I don't get it O.O
♥ (10)“Oh crap” I spoke, rather, whispered to myself, trying to find my voice."
I think that you can intensify this moment ALOT by changing the just plain old "Oh crap" to "Oh, crap..." ^-^
♥ (11)"Looking at my side I noticed, I had knocked over my bedside table-lamp."
The sentence would probably have better flow if "at" was "to", "side" should have a comma after it and "noticed" shouldn't, and the whole "table-lamp" thing sounds kinda funny- it should probably be something more like, "I had knocked over the lamp on my bedside table."
♥ (12)"Mark, apparently, got my number from my notebook, and he would keep calling and texting me.It was not really helping, just putting more and more bad images in my head."
"Got" should be "had gotten", and I'm not so sure about the comma after notebook- I can't decide if it should be there or if it shouldn't, or if it should be a semi-colon. "Would keep" should be "kept", "was not" should be "Wasn't", and that last part is perfectly fine as is ^^
♥ (13)"I had just got lied down to back to sleep when my cell vibrated and I got yet another message from Mark."
Sentence structure- this should probably be "I had just laid down to go back to sleep when my cell phone vibrated, and I got yet another message from Mark."
All in all this was pretty good, I think ^_^ I liked the chatspeak at the end, although it was a little hard to read; being the inexperienced chat-speak talker that I am Something that I think you should incorporate, though, either into this chapter or into the next, is what Aqua looks like. I kind of imagined her as tall, skinny, kinda pale, bordering on scrawny; with long, fair white-blonde hair and really big bright clear blue eyes. Also, not because you need to, but because I want you to, please give a few hints as to what Caleb looks like, and don't make him look like you >.< Idk why, but I just kept imagining him as you. Maybe it's from that other story.
Also, maybe put in a little about the parents he doesn't have? I'm sure that'll come up later in the story, but I still wanted to mention it anyway And maybe something aout Aqua's parents, too. I like her too much for that to be left out
Anyway, yeah, hehe XD Great job ^-^
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OH MY LAWD! THANK JUICE!!!! ZOMG ZOMG! YOU JUST EDITED IT ALL FO ME, FOO!I LOVE YOU!!!! *hugs you till you explode!....uh oh...-___-
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