Drug addict

There she was, lying on the sofa again. Her eyes closed, looking so peaceful, yet every time I saw her this way fear would rush through me. I would wonder if she was asleep or if this time she was actually dead. I ran over to her as I do every time I see her this way and shake her body, shouting "Wake up, wake up!" over and over until she finally stirs. Her eyes are bloodshot and I'm not even sure if they are focusing on me, but I'm just relieved that she is still alive. Pieces of burnt tin foil litter the floor and I know she has used again today. She no longer says sorry for me finding her like this, she no longer pleads forgiveness from me or claims she will change. 1

This woman I am talking about is my mother. My mother, the drug addict.2

Life is hard. Everybody knows that. But for some, it's harder than it's supposed to be. I wake, every morning, praying that we'll make it through another day. Whenever I come home from school, I rush to see if she's still breathing. Sometimes I just don't think I can take it anymore, but I trudge on daily through this living nightmare so many call wonderful. If they saw through my eyes, they would see that life isn't all it's cracked up to be. My name is Amber, and this is the story of how me and mom got over the demons, together.3

Walking home from school, I feel even more miserable than normal. Grade 9 is grating, with the work and the stupid people who get in my way. A distant booming tells me that my day is about to get even worse, but I don't care. Maybe the rain will wash away my troubles and fears, leaving me picture perfect like my dad always wanted. My face twists at the very thought. Why am I even thinking about him? I decided that he was cut off from my life as soon as he left me and mom for dead, to rot with no money and a shabby apartment. Luckily, relatives saved us. So now, we barely cling on, but we do. But I know that one good shake, and we'll fall off. A huge crack that sounds like the Heavens are splitting in two, and the rain falls. In sheets it comes, soaking me through and through extremely quickly. I sigh and continue onwards. I hear screeching sirens coming, and the ambulance rushed by, hitting a puddle and sending it flying on top of me. One glance at my clothes and I know that they're ruined. I kept walking, turned onto my street and stopped abruptly, as I see the ambulance taking my mother away on a stretcher, and my dad standing beside.4

Frozen for a second, it takes a little while to register that something extremely bad had happened, and I run towards the ambulance, leaping into the back just as the doors close. They frown but don't say a word. They know who I am, after many visits to the hospital. Grasping her shoulder, I look at my mother's face. A tear slides down my cheek and lands on her open palm. Her eyes flutter open, and a weak smile forms on her lips. She doesn't need to say anything, I know what this means. She's trying to reassure me that everything's alright, but I can see past that, into the doubt and pain in her eyes. I smile back, and try to keep it from cracking. A heavy feeling in my chest tells me that everything isn't going to go well, it's always right.5

Once at the hospital, they usher her into a room in the ER, and say I can't visit her until she's stabilized. I sigh, but nod because they know best. Two nervous hours that seem to stretch out forever, waiting outside her door until a doctor walks up to me, face set into a grim mask. He closes his eyes for a second, before reopening them and looking at me.6

'Your mother...has had a heart attack, I'm afraid we can't fix it in time, and your health insurance doesn't cover it. She's bleeding into her chest...' He looks down for a second. 'She won't live more than an hour. I'm sorry.' At that moment, my whole life seems to shatter into millions of tiny little pieces. Her face flows into my mind, the happiness that radiates from it when she's done something right, or the pain when she takes her drugs, knowing she's done something wrong but can't fix it, because it just feels to good. I hide my face in my hands and let out a muffled sob. She's going to die, to leave me here. Suddenly, a thought strikes me. It's horrifying. I'd rather die than do it. I'm going to have to live with my next of kin. My Dad. Shuddering, I glance at the doorway. I should go see her. Slowly, I get up and walk towards her bedside. She looks so fragile right now, like she could break at any moment. I sit down beside her and grasp her hand. I press it to my cheek and realize how bony it is. 50 minutes pass in this comforting silence. A low groan shows that she's awakened. I look into those eyes that used to hold so much life, light and glow. The light was fading now, fast. She smiles and cups my face with one hand. She takes a long breath.7

'Amber, I love you more than the world could know. You've taken care of me for years, and I'm always in debt. But now, it's my time to go.' Her eyes become moist, and she sniffs a little bit.8

'Know that I'll watch over you always, and that we'll meet again someday.' I nod and press her fingers to my lips. They're so cold..so very, very cold. Footsteps behind me, and I turn my head, expecting to see a doctor. But instead, I see my Dad. I narrow my eyes and return to her. He clears his throat, clearly annoyed that I'm not paying attention to him. I sigh with much over-dramatization and look at him. This time he narrows his eyes. His fists are curled tight, which means he's getting angry. Through gritted teeth, he speaks.9

'May I have a word with her?' He gestures to Mom, not even bothering to say her full name. I shake my head and reply even more coldly.10

'No.' He clenches his jaw, and is about to reach over to me, but security was ready. They grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him out of the room, yelling and threatening. I look back at Mom and see that her pulse has faded even more. Her grip on my fingers are becoming looser, while mine are becoming tighter. I'm captivated by her eyes, just gazing at me. That light is dull, yet not completely gone. She smiles for one last time. This smile was real, filled with hope for me.11

'Goodbye..Amber. I'm sorry I put you through all this. If you can..do one thing for me, don't turn..out like I did. Please.' I nod vigorously and I feel my eyes start to swell with unshed tears.12

'I want to hear your voice, to take with me...say something, I don't care what.' I smile faintly.13

'Yes Mom.' With that, I start to sing.14

'Hold on to me love 15

You know i can't stay long 16

All i wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid 17

Can you hear me? 18

Can you feel me in your arms?' My grip tightened again on my mother.19

'Holding my last breath 20

Safe inside myself 21

Are all my thoughts of you 22

Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight' The light faded even more, but it was still there.23

' I'll miss the winter 24

A world of fragile things 25

Look for me in the white forest26

Hiding in a hollow tree..come find me27

I know you hear me 28

I can taste it in your tears' My tears started to overflow, and I couldn't sing anymore.29

With one final contented sigh, and squeeze of the hand and a smile, that burning light faded forever. I stroked her cheek for a moment.30

'Mom..I forgive you.'31

Who knew my life would end up like this? People must always have had their own idea's and preconceptions of how my life would turn out. Some must have looked at me and thought I would hate my mother so much for what she put me through that I would have done everything and anything in my power to ensure I did not turn out like her. Others probably had me labeled a junkie just like her from the day I was born. Have I proved any of them wrong? Should I even care what anyone else thinks? Deep down, no matter what anyone thinks or says about her, I love her. She is my mother. She's the only one I will ever have.32

I only hope she is proud of me. 33