What I want...know...hope for in love

My name is Sue.  I'm 33 years old and have been in a few serious relationships in my life.  I've even been married for 10 years.  However after having been in a failed relationship, you come to learn to look within you for the answers in what you can improve on for next time.1

I'm not talking improvements of self per se (although one should always be striving to improve oneself), but improvements on wishes too.  See even the most realistic, tough as nails person has dreams of love.  They may not be wishy washy romantic, wring a tissue, sappy love stories, but they do dream. It starts when you're young and continues on all your life. 2

I know when I was young I dreamt of a very different type of  person in my life than I do now.  So, the only thing I know at this point is what I've had and what I dream for.  Using those two criteria, I create my reality relationship.  That is what I will tell you today, and hope it makes sense...3

What I had 4

I married young (21), without kids.  I don't know why I did it, other than he was a really nice guy and I thought he would be there for me for the rest of my life.  Several actions he did indicated this to me, so if seeing is believing...5

However, things were not all they were cracked up to be as he had some issues.  His issue was sex and commitment to one.  From the start (even before the marriage) he was not committed to me.  He never had sex with another woman, but he always sought that feeling and companionship from others, mostly on-line.  At first we talked about it, then I got mad about it, then I just got sad about it.  His problem was like alcohol to an alcoholic (a comparison only I'm not an alcoholic).  In other words, his problem was my one vulnerability. 6

All my life I've been thrust into the areas of sexuality and it's negativity.  Having learned of it at an early age (too early) and continuing through life being confronted with it, it became my nemesis.  For some people it's their heart that when wounded, breaks.  For me it was my psyche and my heart, that he wounded using sexuality and lack of sharing with me.  7

The long and short of that relationship now that it's over, is that for 10 years I lived in the shadow of depression (and still suffer it) because he never looked at me like he looked at the others who were never more than a voice or a chat to him...  8

What I dream9

I had a dream once, I was in the passenger seat of a car driving somewhere.  Next to me was my husband.  I do not know who he was, nor did I see his face.  In the back seat was my child.  We were in a danger situation, I know this because I felt fear.  But coupled with that fear was the intense KNOWLEDGE that nothing not even death could give me pain because I knew love.  Not only did I KNOW it, but I FELT it coming from this man next to me.  I knew that nothing could EVER hurt me again because I had this soul love. This soul love guided us through argument, helped us weather storms, allowed us to share bright joys and would continue to do so regardless of this situation's end that we found ourselves in.10

Big shoes to fill eh?  Not really...  All I seek is the heart that will recognize mine and bind to me regardless of appearance or any of the stereo types with which people judge these days.  Not too much to ask in my opinion.11

That is my dream of what I want.12

What I expect in reality13

As a child growing up and even as a daydreaming adult...more often than not, I wish for companionship more than passion and lust.  Admittedly I want those two things as well, but I'm 33 and want someone who will share those two things as well as the rest of our lives together.  I don't expect to "feel" in love all the time as our years together increase, but I do hope that in the morning when my hair is sticking straight up, I'm wearing a nightgown instead of lingerie, sleeping in a very "not enticing" position, and maybe even my breath stinks (lol) that the person I'm with will still tell me I'm beautiful.  To me that's being real.  I want little traditions we create with each other.  Things such as little post it notes hidden in DVD cases for finding when we watch a movie that say "Your presence in my life brightens my day in so many ways".  I want a person who will get angry with me and not always let me have my way, but will know me well enough to know when to stop arguing and simply hug.  Not give in, but hug me because no argument will change the fact that they love me.  I want private jokes with this person that always make us smile even among a crowd of people who are without a clue.  I want someone that will understand my place in the on-line world with my writing, message boards, groups etc that people seem to want to join.  I want this person to join in with me and know when to say "let's go to bed" too.  I want someone who will through love show me that it's OK for me to have children, that my past will mean nothing because the TWO of us will love our children. (I've been afraid to have children because of the abuse in my past.  I've sworn I would break the cycle of abuse with me...).  14

This is my reality and hopefully I will have that someday.  15

I may be fragile in my depression, but inside I'm strong enough to know that I wont settle for less than this.  I may make mistakes along the way but I know that I will continue to search for this, even as I cry in frustration.  I will search because somewhere in the deepest part of me I KNOW it exists, and I FEEL it just might exist for me.  I have to believe that, because to believe anything else means that I have given up and I cannot...will not allow myself do that.16

©SKW17