Untitled

"Marty why did you do something so stupid?!" Victoria's exasperated cry seemed to echo the feelings in the tense room.1

"I was just tryin' to help! Figured it would do us both good, ya know?" A few moans reverberated in the small space. This was exactly what they were trying to avoid.2

"How on earth would it have done ANY good?" Sam stood up, red in the face, from the darkest corner. "We told you! We directly told you not to talk about it! Hell Marty! Any idiot on the street would know that!" They were inches away from each other and Marty was getting angry too.3

"Well ya kn-" Marty's come back was cut off by Victoria playing the peacemaker.4

"Guys! Cool it! You are just making it worse!" She glanced back at the dark corner. You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that ensued. Realizing the sudden lack of noise Victoria had to work her way up to talking again. She coughed and then continued.5

"Listen, I know its tense down here. And I know that it probably wasn't the best thing that she came along but hey we didn't know. Even Sam didn't know until five minutes into the hike before we lost service. Marty made a bad choice, but its done. We can't change it. We just need to stick it out for a few hours."6

"Or until we die." Marty's intended mumble was answered by sharp whimpers from Lilly. She shrunk further into the darkness. As soon as everyone had whipped around there was a sickening smack. Sam started howling as he doubled up holding his nose.7

"Sam that's not helping!" Victoria rushed over to examine Marty.8

"He shouldn't have said that." Sam's voice was low but harsh. He was already back with Lilly trying to comfort her.9

"It doesn't matter!" Victoria was now angry too. She was crouched by Marty and glaring over her shoulder at Sam. "Rescue crews will be searching in a couple hours!"10

"We should try to get back to the surface." Sam's voice was soft as he was trying not to startle Lilly.11

"How do you suppose we do that? We are LOST Sam. You were in charge of that part and you were too distracted by Lilly to remember your subterranean map!" Lilly was moaning at Victoria's shouting. Victoria took a deep breath and calmed her self.12

"Ok well I am not helping either. The point is that we don't know where we are and going one way or the other could just get us further from rescue. We didn't take many off route turns they will find us soon enough."13

"Ya? How?" Marty's sarcastic question just made Victoria angry again.14

"Because I don't neglect my part! I told the fire department that we were going, where we were going and that I would call them when we get back. I also told them that if they don't get a call by 5pm then they should come looking."15

"Five PM?!!! That's hours from now!" Marty was standing straight again and was getting closer and closer to Victoria's face.16

"I didn't know how far we would want to go MARTY!" Victoria's angry challenge just made Marty more apt for a fight.17

"Who would want to explore a cave for seven hours?!"18

"Three hours down four hours up Marty! We have done it before!"19

"That one was unexplored! There is no unknown here! Just stuck in a cave that is over used and its YOUR fault!"20

"ITS NOT MY FAULT!"21

Lilly was crying loudly. She seemed like such a little child to both Victoria and Marty that they instantly stopped fighting and watched her.22

"Make them stop." Lilly sobbed into Sam's shoulder.23

"Shhhh, I will sweety." He stared both of the fighters in the eyes with more meaning then was really necessary. If she wasn't there he probably would have punched them both already. "Shhhh its alright. Shhh." Lilly nuzzled further into his shirt and her sobs quieted.24

Victoria slid down the wall behind her until she was sitting opposite Sam and Lilly. Marty settled himself down where he was standing. They all settled in for the longest four and a half hours of their lives.25

Even though the heated argument had only settled moments before Lilly's struggle was all that occupied the minds of the stranded spelunkers. Guilty, sympathetic and desperate to ease her pain. They just sat.26

Lilly's wordless cries echoed for more than an hour before she fell asleep on her husband's chest. Victoria reached over to the flashlight and turned it off. Both conserving the batteries and hoping it would help Lilly sleep.27

Victoria was suddenly tired, not just from the hike but all the stress. Guilt set in for making her sister's pain worse. She had never liked to be around arguments Victoria should have known better. She stifled a yawn. Realizing that she had nothing better to do she put her backpack on the ground and got ready to sleep away four hours.28

Marty didn't feel quite as guilty as Victoria because he didn't fully comprehend still how much damage he had done. He felt bad that he set Lilly off but figured it was going to happen sometime any way. He was still a little ruffled that they had blamed him so much. In his opinion Sam shouldn't have let her come once he found out they should have taken her home. So Marty sat in the silence brooding and feeling only slightly sorry.29

Sam was suffering. His wife, his sweet, sweet Lilly was close to being beyond repair. How does one recover from such an ordeal? All he wanted to do was help her. To make everything ok. Why couldn't he do that? Was he not enough? Was he not what she needed? Was he weak for not being able to help her? 30

Sam told himself over and over that he shouldn't have gone forward with the trip. He should have taken her home. None of this would have happened. The worse thing that would happen was her going to see a shrink. This shouldn't have happened...31

As Victoria slept, Marty brooded and Sam worried the hours crept by. None of them really noticed much. Neither Sam nor Marty could gather the guts to check a watch that just told them that they checked it two minutes ago. So they waited.32

The silence, darkness and musty air finally lulled them both to sleep as well. So the four slept. The most fitful dreams were Lilly's. They weren't really dreams just slow motion replays of the accident. Just torturous panic and sickening grief again and again.33

She woke first. As she was desperate to escape her nightmare she woke at the sound of voices. They were far off and she couldn't understand them but they were voices. Though for some reason that she didn't understand she wanted them to go away. She wanted the darkness forever. So she did nothing.34

Marty woke next as he had never gotten into the deep sleep that the others had. Just a doze. He heard searching and calling voices. At first he didn't realize what it was. Then it hit him. He jerked the flashlight from Victoria's arms waking her.35

"HEY!!! HEY!!! OVER HERE!!!" He was waving the flashlight in the direction of the voices and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sam and Victoria were startled and jumped to their feet.36

"Over here!!! Over here!!!" They were all shouting now except Lilly. She was shrinking further into the wall. She just wanted to escape.37

Finally the lights came. Victoria, Sam and Marty shouted for joy. It was their salvation. Lilly groaned. This was the beginning of her hell.

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Comments


  • lottiemae
    May 28, 2008
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    this shows cause and effect very well. ok, well done.


  • yoshi97 silver member
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this. It shows cause and effect well.


    The only change I would make would be to use a 3 to 1 rule with the dialogue. For every three things said, one small gesture (movement of a hand, laughter, a smile).

    If there is a gesture for everything said, the dialogue slows down and becomes complex. By being more sparing with the gestures, the dialogue feels more crisp.

    Also, dialogue itself is a cause and effect relationship.

    "Give me that?" Jack said.

    Jan held up the bat where Jack couldn't reach it

    "You mean this?"

    "I'll clobber you if you don't let me have it back."

    "You lost it - I found it. It's mine."

    Jack lurched up on his toes to gain height, but at four foot six he was a halfling when compared to his sister.


    Good job!