Once a week I wait at the bay window looking out to the street beyond. Everyday the mailman comes and drops off our mail, but only once a week, every Tuesday, he drops of a very special letter from an armory in Iraq, this letter is from my Daddy… my Daddy is a soldier.1
My Mommy stands behind me and waits for the mailman to come, it is two thirteen when he finally comes on our block and drops off our mail.2
I screamed, my Mommy jumped, startled by my excitement. I jumped off the couch and ran to the door, swung it open, but before I could step out my Mommy grabbed me by my hand, I smiled and she smiled back.3
There were no cars on the road and no people on the sidewalks, though an orange cat walked on the brim of the roof on the house in front of us. I smiled at the cat. I like cats. 4
Mommy took out her mail key and unlocked the small cabinet. Inside there was a large yellow envelope, two small white envelope’s and then two white envelopes with red and blue stripes on the edges, which meant it came from over seas and that meant they were from Daddy.5
When we came inside Mommy put her letter in her pocket then handed me mine, I carefully opened it, the letters from Daddy were the only letters I opened carefully.6
I smiled at the letter, like I would if it was actually my Daddy that would be talking to me, then handed it back to Mommy because I can not read because I am only six. She smiled back at me and began the letter7
“Dear, Sue8
The other guys here think you are the cutest thing and I have to say I don’t disagree. At night when I lay down to sleep I think of your red curly hair and your big green eyes. When we have patrol in the cities I look at all the children and they remind me of you, all of them are smiling and playing and happy like you. 9
I miss and Love you my Darling Susie bear10
Love, Sergeant Daddy”11
I smiled. “I miss, Daddy.” I said and Mommy forced a smile, but I knew she was just trying her best not to cry, she always thought I couldn’t tell when she did that, but she did it every time we heard from Daddy and I knew that she was upset.12
I went to my room and put the letter in a box that held one hundred and three envelopes with red and blue stripes on the edges, above it on the nightstand was a teddy bear in a camouflage uniform holding the American flag, I named him papa bear, Daddy has one with him in Iraq that has a pink dress and he named it Susie bear, he said that the bear would remind him of me. 13
After we had supper and Mommy put me to bed she walked to her room, it was quiet for a while, but I could not go to sleep so I slid down off my bed and walked across the hall where Mommy’s room was.14
The door was cracked open and I peeked in. Mommy sat on her bed, she held the letter in her hand and she was crying, she always cried when she heard from Daddy.15
I walked back to my room and climbed up into my bed, kissed my Papa bear good night, bowed my head and began a letter of my own…16
“Dear, Lord in Heaven…”17
Author notes
I wrote this one a while ago adn debated on putting it on here, but obviously I decided that I am.lol. this is cute, but sad, I plan on actually publishing this one into a small platform book.
A contest entry
- Tell me a short story! by Reaver.
350 points, ended May 31, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - CRAZY/RANDOM/FUNNNNNNNNN by comandercrazymonkey.
121 points, ended December 19, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
critiquing is welcome.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Already commented on this...loved twice around! Thanks for entering! Very well written!
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As I was reading this, I noticed one oddity. The first two pargraphs are in present tense however at paragraph three, the story switches to past tense. I'm not sure if that was a deliberate decision with style or just one of those instinctive shifts.
The letter was a wonderful touch of realism, a glimpse into how much the father loved his family. The mother's and daughter's reactions were also very touching and emotive.
In the first part of the piece, I noticed some repetition (Example: "I carefully opened it, the letters from Daddy were the only letters I opened carefully") and I'm thinking that it was done to give the prose a sort of child-like tone. Still, it snagged me a little. I'm not a big fan of reliance on repetition (but this is a personal preference, really).
Also, paragraph 13 is all one sentence and gave me a moment of trouble as I read it. I think it was going for that continuous speech that little kids sometimes do, but it felt a tad too fragmented for that. Maybe regular grammar but with the use of "and" at the beginning of short sentences could get a similar feel. (Just an idea)
But yes, overall, a lovely piece about love and waiting lovingly. Good luck with the publishing!
Kind regards,
Solidarity
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Thanks for the read, yeah I'll look over it again.
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This was very touching! Well described and emotionally sound
I loved it. Very well done! Durian.
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Thanks, I worked really hard on this one, ah, I am so glad you like it!
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This is really cute and does have a sad side to it
It would be really hard for teh familys with there dad's going over seas to fight
And even sometimes the mothers these days
I had a close friend go and i know that was hard
So being a family member would make it 10 times as hard
This was well writen and very cute!
Keep up the good work !
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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