Prologue1
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The same torrent wind swiveled away in some exotic indignation. It was well structured. Amusingly, it never failed. Sometimes the design was so placid that I dreaded that it would default. These thoughts let me meander again and again over the same creation. The flaws were masterly concealed. Small water drops sheltered under dry roads of pain. Everything became so increasingly realistic.3
I got up. The sweat found its way to the curve of my chin. I was a weak woman. I couldn’t take a nightmare. I wonder if I am little girl having bad dreams because a boy at school told me about this decapitated head that was found in the lavatory. Or was it too much of werewolves ripping off human flesh movies? There was no question that such senseless images could only be some extreme extension of a hallucination. And till I don’t get this hallucination chucked out of my life, I was not going to be all right.4
I walked to the shower. A little shaken. The knob of the shower was dismantled. I fiddled with the knob for a moment or so. A cold icy feeling split my head in haste. I felt nervous. Slowly, my hands recovered some strength. I stared at my reflection. The mirror on the bathroom was an old Victorian piece that I bought at vintage shop in an alley whose name I can’t seem to remember. I have heard about stuff like short term memory lapse or a complete memory wipe or even refusal to recognize oneself. But I feared that was not my case. Forgetting a name of an alley is quite normal. Especially what one purchased was months ago. Then why do I feel the weird nervous sensation of feeling abnormal? I searched my face in the mirror. My eyes were pale blue. My mother used to call me Mayya when I was young. Mayya means water. I found the name quite beautiful. I think that was because of my eyes. My lips were pursed in thought. In remembrance. In soft kisses. In belief that I lived in some eerie inescapable ball whose circular motion never seemed to make me dizzy.5
Sometimes I wondered if that’s how it felt to be dead.6
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Author notes
To proceed to chapter 1
http://storywrite.com/story/171522
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Sorry this took so long.
Ok first I have to ask you planned length for this? If your making this a full story consider making the prologue a bit longer. The description in the first paragraph is well written great use of vocab. I always find first person difficult to read but I'll admit you use it to good effect describing the sort of lack of self-confidence and mental confusion/horrors. The last full paragraph was a little confusing and the last line a bit morbid. Not my cup of tea personally but hay my writing plays out "like a mixture of cowboy bebop and underworld" so hay I can't really criticise.
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Darlin', I loved this piece and think that you should keep writing. I'm captivated!
I hope you can keep the body and conclusion as captivating as the prologue!
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I think you have to be careful here. You've got a good start on what could be a really interesting story, but there were a few little things that slowed down my reading.
Your tenses change from present to past. Either or is fine, but when they're mixed like that, it can mess up your story.
Also, while you've got some very nice imagery and poetic phrases, you also have a lot of short, choppy sentences. Tossing some commas here and there to lengthen a thought would give this a more mature feeling to your piece.
And while some of the language is lovely, I think you have to look back over that first paragraph carefully. It can be confusing, especially if someone doesn't continue on to find out this is a dream.
Overall, nice job in progress. good luck.
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AH! Yes I agree on the shorter sentences..I am having a trouble connecting them? any ideas on that...By the way I had italized the dream part but when I post it here it the print becomes straight
Anyways thanks so much for reading!!
pri
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Okay, I feel that you wrote really well. This story had good voice, and you had me hooked most of the time. I swallowed the bait with the hallucinations thing.
Paragraph three, "I got up. The sweat found its way to the curve of my chin. I was a weak woman. I couldn’t take a nightmare. I wonder if I am little girl having bad dreams because a boy at school told me about this decapitated head that was found in the lavatory. Or was it too much of werewolves ripping off human flesh movies? There was no question that such senseless images could only be some extreme extension of a hallucination. And till I don’t get this hallucination chucked out of my life, I was not going to be all right." was amazing! I don't have any suggestions write now. The story is that good. I really like it.
Keep on writing, and good luck on story write!
, MagicMonster00M
I give you ten of these:
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AH Thanks I just finished with Chapter 1! Thanks for the motivation young man! Really appreciate it!!!
pri
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This is very good
I have found this very good it reaches from the thoughts of a child to the thoughts of an adult yet ensecure and unknowing of its a dream or for real
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Thanks a lot for the comment and the applauds!
pri
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Paragraph 2:
I got up. The sweat found its way to the curve of my chin. I was a weak woman. I couldn’t take a nightmare. I wonder if I am a little girl having bad dreams because a boy at school told me about this decapitated head that was found in the lavatory. Or was it too much of those werewolves ripping off human flesh movies? There was no question that such senseless images could only be some extreme extension of a hallucination. And till I don’t get this hallucination chucked out of my life, I was not going to be all right
Paragraph 3:
I walked to the shower, a litter (should this be little?) shaken. The knob of the shower was dismantled. I fiddled with the knob for a moment or so. A cold icy feeling split my head in haste. I felt nervous. Slowly, my hands recovered some strength. I stared at my reflection. The mirror on the bathroom wall was an old Victorian piece that I bought at vintage shop in an alley whose name I can’t seem to remember. I have heard about stuff like short term memory lapse or a complete memory wipe or even refusal to recognize oneself. But I feared that was not my case. Forgetting a name of an alley is quite normal. Especially when what one purchased was months ago. Then why do I feel the weird nervous sensation of feeling abnormal? I searched my face in the mirror. My eyes were pale blue. My mother used to called (should be call me Mayya when I was young. Mayya means water. I found the name quite beautiful. I think that was because of my eyes. My lips were pursed in thought. In remembrance. In soft kisses. In belief that I lived in some eerie inescapable ball whose circular motion never seemed to make me dizzy.
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Ok, you have the start of a great story going. It will make one complete cycle by the time you are done, I can see that. There are a few things I found that needed correcting, which I added words in or should have something changed in paranthises.. (Not trying to be a jerk, but I am actually grading writing assignments for college classes right now.)
I like what you have here so far. It sets the scene in the mind, giving the reader your characters state of mind and so on. Would love to see more when you get to it.
Storm -
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OH! I am stuck to an english teacher
I suck at grammar though..we have a problem here you see. Indians never emphasized on grammar! Anyways just finished chapter 1. Thanks afor all the corrections and thanks for motivatopn too storm.
Bless ya
pri
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Oh you got me hookes with the hullicinations- Dont I know them to well, especially in a horror context
I found it somehwat peacefull when you described the naming, which adds character element already.
Adn with the last words, you left me asking many questions, and very well wanting more...
Nice job~ I really do look foward to reading this, and hope that this will be a story not to forget
Blair
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Thanks! That is really motivating! I shall now try writing more!
God bless you.
pri
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