The Demon within:
Chapter 1: Mercy1
2
Olivia held Mara by her neck up against the stone wall. Mara grabbed Olivia’s wrist struggling to get free. Olivia watched Mara’s face as she continued to gasp for air. Olivia smiled as Mara’s yellow eyes begun to wonder slowly closing. Olivia heard an excruciating scream within mind. She covered her hears as she screamed in agony. Her pure black eyes had then changed to her normal silver. Her hair had then reverted back to its normal red hue. Mara sat on her knees coughing as air entered into her body. She stood up rubbing her throat. A bruise had formed onto her neck her. Mara walked over to her wrist blade, and picked it up.
She walked over to Olivia, watching as she screamed in agony.
“I should destroy you Olivia, my precious little sister.” She said as Olivia continued to shriek in pain. “As soon as the demon of the sun is removed from within your soul I will kill you, and absorb the soul for myself and with the power of the sun and the moon I will be invincible.” Mara said as she held her blade over her sister’s stomach. Who had then fainted. Mara then looked down the corridor. She heard footsteps coming towards her. She stared to run, but it was to late a sword was already pointing into her throat making a thin line of blood show.
“Well, Isis I didn’t expect you to finish off the goliaths so soon, I guess the demon of the sword isn’t just a name,” said Mara stepping backing with the blade still pointing in towards her throat.
“This is the end of the line for you Mara,” said the fully blue-eyed girl. Mara then felt a twitch in Isis’s blade. Knowing she was going to push forwards. Mara learned backwards making Isis miss. Mara then turned around and begun to run in the other direction, but suddenly a whip had tied itself around her. She looked to see who was at the other end. She stared and looked.
“Well, I see you found your way out from my death trap. Lyre demon of the sound,” said the fully purple-eyed girl who stood a few feet behind her.
“You, two traitors what are you going to do!? Kill me. Remember I’m the one who gave you these powers and trained you, so go ahead and kill me,” said Mara “It’s just like my sister not fighting her own battles. Always letting mother stick up for her,” said Mara
Isis walked over to the tied up Mara. She slapped her Mara face turned. A cut was made on her check by one of the spikes Isis’ glove. Isis watched the cut heal as if it was never there.
“Yes, Mara we may have worked for you, but we saw the error in our ways. By helping Olivia well bring this demon-torn world to an age of light. Even if it means giving our lives in the process, but Mara you have become evil in your search for Orin’s power of life itself and therefore you deserve to die,” said Isis who pointed her sword towards Mara’s heart.
“That…may be true Isis, but when the time comes I’ll kill her with my own two hands,” said Olivia who’d woken up she held her side were she was stab by Mara. She waited for it to heal. “So, let her go. When the time comes she’ll die,” she said as she stood up.
“But Olivia-,” said Isis who was cut off by Olivia
“I said “Let…her…go,” she said sternly.
Mantra and Isis then withdrew their weapons. Mara then looked at Olivia with a devilish stare. She then speeds off into the tunnel. She stopped to where only her bloody red eyes could be seen, and the said
“Oh, well see little sister…well see,” she said then Mara’s red eyes had then vanished within the dark tunnel. Isis and Mantra ran over to Olivia.
“Olivia what happened here?” asked Isis
“The demon of the sun had taken over my body and it was stronger then before,”
answered Olivia
“How is that possible?” said Mantra
“The essence of the demon itself must be growing stronger,” said
“That’s impossible,” said Mantra
“No, you guys I don’t think I was born with a demonic essence,” said Olivia “But with the soul of a demon of the soul,”
“Olivia, if you were born with a demon soul. It will ultimately consume you very existence,” said Mantra.
“Humph...Mara must’ve found this out months ago. That’s why here attacks have been so persistent,” said Isis
“I know someone who can help,” said Olivia the looked to her. “My brother Siegfried the demon of the sky my brother,”
“Wow, the demon of the sky is you brother. I would’ve thought,” said Isis.
“Wait until you meet him you’ll hate him as much as his sisters do,” said Olivia.
They walked to the entrance of the tunnel, and headed down the path that leads to the trail.
Chapter II: The Human Demon : coming soon
Author notes
how you enjoy olivia's rise to power
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Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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PLEASE put the information I asked for in your A/N.
Alright well you might not like me after this but here goes. This wasn't all that good and could use alot of improvement. Here are the points that are lacking in this story.
1) Fight scenes: your fight scenes were confusing and shaky. You need to work on the wording so that it flows and its not 'this person did this then this person did this' and work on you imagery and the way you describe things. A good portion of this chapter is fighting so if you want to make a good impression then work on your fight scenes.
2) You repeat things in your dialog. Example: “I know someone who can help,” said Olivia the looked to her. “My brother Siegfried the demon of the sky my brother,”
You say MY BROTHER Siegfried the demon of the sky MY BROTHER' instead of saying: "MY BROTHER Seigfried the demon of the sky." and leaving off the last my brother. You do things like that in sevral places.
3) Spelling and proper word use. Alright you seem to use the wrong word in the wrong place. For example you use to instead of too, were instead of where, Well instead of We'll, so on and so forth. These are simple errors to make but very destracting ones when they are made. Running a grammar checker through should pick them up well enough but you'll also want to read through it.
4) You miss words or swap words in some places.
That's all I can come up with off the top of my head. Thank you for entering my contest. -
I <3 it!
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well itachi the content caught me because im a fan of fiction especially fantasy fiction. it seems ur story brings action with a edge. personally i found it really easy to get into what would happen next. i feel as though the story's flow was a little rigid like it needed to be smoothed out some. example.
"Olivia held Mara by her neck up against the stone wall. Mara grabbed Olivia’s wrist struggling to get free. Olivia watched Mara’s face as she continued to gasp for air.Olivia smiled as Mara’s yellow eyes begun to wonder slowly closing."
in some of these cases u can assume the reader know who u r talking about. writing the name over wouldnt be neccesary. but u really got a nice peice of work on your hands. good luck.
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Good action, but three things jumped out at me immediately, one being that the first two paragraphs just seem very abrupt and could do with being joined together here and there. There are also some commas missing, i think--->
"begun to wonder slowly closing"
A comma could go between wander and slowly, for example, which leads me onto my other point; 'wonder' should be wander (wonder being thinking, wander moving) and "she covered her hears" with 'hears' needing to be corrected to ears
Hope that helps. -
nice bad guy action going on. You got a lot of extra words. Nice job.
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This was eerie!! I loved it!! Well done!
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