The Demon within:
Chapter 1: Mercy1
2
Olivia held Mara by her neck up against the stone wall. Mara grabbed Olivia’s wrist struggling to get free. She watched Mara’s face as she continued to gasp for air. Olivia smiled as Mara’s yellow eyes begun to wonder slowly closing. Olivia heard an excruciating scream within mind. She covered her hears as she screamed in agony. Her pure black eyes had then changed to their normal silver. Her hair reverted back to its normal red hue. Mara sat on her knees coughing as air entered into her body as sharp pains. She stood up rubbing her throat a bruise had formed onto her neck her. Mara walked over to her wrist blade, and picked it up quickly latching it onto her forearm. She walked over to Olivia, watching as she screamed in agony.3
“I should destroy you Olivia, my precious little sister.” She said as Olivia continued to shriek in pain. “As soon as the demon of the sun is removed from within your soul I will kill you, and absorb the soul for myself and with the power of the sun and the moon I will be invincible.” Mara said as she held her blade over her sister’s stomach who had then fainted. Mara then looked down the corridor as she heard footsteps coming towards her. She turned to run, but it was to late a sword was already pressing onto her throat making a thin line of blood slowly drip down the already bruised neck. “Well, Isis I didn’t expect you to finish off the goliaths so soon, I guess the demon of the sword isn’t just a name,” said Mara stepping backing with the blade still pointing in towards her throat.4
“This is the end of the line for you Mara,” said the fully blue-eyed girl. In a skyblue leather dress that was connected by her torso and buckles that ran down to her high heeled silver boots. Mara then felt the pressure leave Isis’s blade knowing she was going to swing. Mara learned backwards making Isis miss. Mara turned around and begun to run in the other direction, but suddenly a whip had tied itself around her. She didnt need to look to see who was at the other end. She stayed with her back turned. 5
“Well, I see you found your way out from my death trap. Lyre demon of the sound,” said the fully purple-eyed girl who stood a few feet behind her covered in a scantily outfit that emphisized her feminine form as her breats where held tightly together in a leather deep purple dress the rather hugged her body more the Isis' and straps of the same color the went in cross from her wais to the ends of her heels.6
“You, two traitors what are you going to do!? Kill me. Remember I’m the one who gave you these powers and trained you, so go ahead and kill me,” said Mara “It’s just like my sister not fighting her own battles. Always letting mother stick up for her,” said Mara. "but I see she did get to more weaklings to do it for her," she continued on 7
Isis walked over to the tied up Mara. She slapped her Mara face turned. A cut was made on her cheek by one of the spikes Isis’ glove. Isis watched the cut heal as if it was never there as her neck had became clean also.8
“Yes, Mara we may have worked for you, but we saw the error in our ways. By helping Olivia well bring this demon-torn world to an age of light. Even if it means giving our lives in the process, but Mara you have become evil in your search for Orin’s power of life itself and therefore you deserve to die...trying to be god,” said Isis who pointed her sword towards Mara’s heart. 9
“That…may be true Isis, but when the time comes I’ll kill her with my own two hands,” said Olivia who’d woken up she held her side were she was stab by Mara earlier she waited for it to heal as it took longer since she wasn't fully rested. “So, let her go. When the time comes well fight,” she said as she stood up.
“But Olivia-,” said Isis who was cut off by Olivia 10
“I said “Let…her…go,” she said sternly.
Lyre and Isis then withdrew their weapons. Mara then looked at Olivia with a devilish stare. She then speeds off into the tunnel. She stopped to where only her bloody red eyes could be seen, and the said
“Oh, well see little sister…well see,” she said then Mara’s red eyes had then vanished within the dark tunnel. Isis and Mantra ran over to Olivia.
“Olivia what happened here?” asked Isis
“The demon of the sun had taken over my body and it was stronger then before,”
answered Olivia
“How is that possible?” said Lyre
“I think I'm losing control,” said
“That’s impossible,” said Lyre
“No, you guys I don’t think I was born with a demonic essence,” said Olivia “But with the soul of a demon of the soul,”
“Olivia, if you were born with a demon soul. It will ultimately consume you very existence,” said Lyre.
“Humph...Mara must’ve found this out months ago. That’s why here attacks have been so persistent,” said Isis11
“I know someone who can help,” said Olivia the looked to her. 12
“My brother Siegfried the demon of the sky. He's so storng because of his essence that people belives he does have a soul,”she said as her wound had finnaly healed
“Wow, the demon of the sky is you brother. I never would’ve thought,” said Isis.13
“Wait until you meet him you’ll hate him as much as his sisters do,” said Olivia with slight discord.
They walked to the entrance of the tunnel, and headed down the path that leads to the trail.14
Chapter II: The Human Demon : coming soon
A contest entry
- The Ultimate Challenge 1 by Miss Hanako Cullen.
600 points, ended June 13, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best work! by Forgotten Anomaly.
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Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I enjoyed this but you didn't go into description of the setting. The characters are interesting and the demon of the sun etc drawn me in.
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This is being removed from the contest Option Mania, you have entered it in a previous contest of mine and I have commented on it. You are welcome to enter a different story if you would like.
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Very nice ... and certainly intriguing ~
The Good:
On the whole, it was good story, a great read and a fantastic concept. Your idea is expansive, descriptive and takes a life of its own. You have great host of characters, certainly very 'Final Fantasy-ish' in a good way and I think you're DIRECTION is really nice ...
I love the whole 'Demon of Sun, Sound, Sword, Sky etc' stuff, I think it's a very unique idea and you could certainly take this in many different areas ...
Your dialogue overall, was also a strong factor. It could use some smoothing over, especially the dialect should be less 'advance' but it's good enough ...
The Criticism:
Ahem. Although the concept is great, you only give a small taste of it. And that taste is very confusing. You need to elaborate on this a lot more. I would suggest:
- Using magical descriptions to show WHAT these demons can do.
- Setting up a prologue or background so we know WHO they are.
Otherwise, the writing needs some obvious work: mostly spelling stuff and grammar ... polish it up at least ...
My main problem is with the characters, they have lots of a potential but I have yet to encounter any sort of personality inside them ...
Some suggestions and nitpicks:
P1: eyes begun to wonder[perhaps you meant - wander?][,] slowly closing
P1: excruciating scream within [her] mind
P1: She covered her hears[ears]
P4: Line 1-4 --> These lines are a 'huge' information dump. Try avoiding the cliche: plot explanation ... it's forced and unnatural. Why would she take the time to say all this aloud in a fight ... [I suggest some other way to 'tell' this plot-hook, perhaps by adding a small para in the start in which Mara is concocting her plan]
P6: This para is a mess. I suppose giving it a complete run-through, lots of spelling mistakes and grammar issues.
P7: she continued on [del: this part and place fullstop in stead of comma after the dialogue]
P10: were[where] she was stab[stabbed] by Mara --> When the time comes well[we'll] fight,”
P11: “I said “[']Let…her…go,[']” - if using double quotation marks [""] in dialogue, internal dialogue has single ['']
we[']ll see little sister…we[']ll see,”
stronger then[than]
consume you[your] very
P13: that people belives[believe] he
Anyway, this was a very enjoyable read!
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Instantly I saw the Mara referance, to the buhhidist idea of the devil (or something likt that) so I was drawn in, as you obviously research.
I liked how it started, straight in there. It was wlel written in the action, but some words could be changed to make it more original or atmospheric. Like "Screamed in agony." doesn't say much.
Good descriptions of what people are wearing, and your dialogue is quite good too.
Once we catch on to who is who, it is very absorbing. Well done and good luck in your contests.
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Great plotline, not so wonderful punctuation and wording...
Your paragraphs aren't spaced right...you must space your paragraphs right before you basically begin anything. It gives the reader an easier time.
Your punctuation is off the mark. When you qoute someone within a qoute it should look like this:
"He said, 'When the sun rises, it will fall that night'," said Mike.
You must also watch with how your word certain statements, and also you must make sure that everything makes sense...so it's not like, "He tied his and away." It doesn't make any sense, yours aren't that drastic, but they need correcting.
A suggestion that I have is that for you to re-read your work with a green pen, and then blue, and then red. After you've caught all your corrrections, THEN post it on Storywrite for reviews. It's nothing to just be a writer. You must also be able to catch your mistakes.
Your plotline is great, it's a little confusing at first, but eventually...eventually...the reader catches on. I do hope that the next chapter to this has more deatail though....
Good work!
dancer. -
FIrstly- Before I even begin. Please space your paragraphs and dialog. One of my major pet hates when reading fiction is when i cannot read it fluidly. Which means the natural d
flow of the story is diminissed.
Secondly- The whole story seemed rather rushed to me. It had not anticipation and while it was jam packed with action, betrayle, despaire etc. It had little substance to the over all story.
For me it needed a lot more in the means of description, pacing, atmopshere and character build up. It honesly felt like you sat there and just wrote a whole bunch of stream of concience writing for a story and while it is okay it is very important upon submitting that it flows to the reader and sadly it did not.
Overall I did like what you were trying to out across. It had some good pointers in between the mess and if you were to go back and take some out and rewrite it to the best of your potential I am damn sure you would pass with flying colors. The theme for instance is one I was awaiting to touch base on, but it felt to me like you just did not bring it to that level.
Hope you can take my feed back.
I am by no means picking on you.
Just giving you honest feed back which is what you signed up for.
I did enjoy the read nether the less.
Blair ;]
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Great use of imagery in this piece, very spooky like, nice work. Rather short for a chapter but it did follow all the rules of the first chapter, so maybe it's not. Good work anyway.
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you have really good imagery in this story. thats always the first thing i comment on, is imagery, and you did good. i really liked this story. it would be cool if there more, i would deffinitly read it.
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Thank you for entering my contest and good luck!
I enjoyed the plot that your story took once it began. I could tell that you thought it out, becuase of the detail you took with names and deffinitions. I could also see the plot thickening towards the ending of the chapter, which was good.
There were no spelling errors that I caught sight of, but I did have a little trouble in spots reading it. There were extra words in some places, and it was a little confusing at times. The flow was okay, but if you were looking to improve then that could be where you start.
The characters were a nice touch. I like how you attached emotions to each, hate, envy, and etc. It really made them believable. Also their descriptions were pretty good as well.
Over all this was a good read, but there are areas that need to be improved or worked upon. I did enjoy your story though, and I am glad that you entered the contest. Thank you and good luck.
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PLEASE put the information I asked for in your A/N.
Alright well you might not like me after this but here goes. This wasn't all that good and could use alot of improvement. Here are the points that are lacking in this story.
1) Fight scenes: your fight scenes were confusing and shaky. You need to work on the wording so that it flows and its not 'this person did this then this person did this' and work on you imagery and the way you describe things. A good portion of this chapter is fighting so if you want to make a good impression then work on your fight scenes.
2) You repeat things in your dialog. Example: “I know someone who can help,” said Olivia the looked to her. “My brother Siegfried the demon of the sky my brother,”
You say MY BROTHER Siegfried the demon of the sky MY BROTHER' instead of saying: "MY BROTHER Seigfried the demon of the sky." and leaving off the last my brother. You do things like that in sevral places.
3) Spelling and proper word use. Alright you seem to use the wrong word in the wrong place. For example you use to instead of too, were instead of where, Well instead of We'll, so on and so forth. These are simple errors to make but very destracting ones when they are made. Running a grammar checker through should pick them up well enough but you'll also want to read through it.
4) You miss words or swap words in some places.
That's all I can come up with off the top of my head. Thank you for entering my contest. -
I <3 it!
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well itachi the content caught me because im a fan of fiction especially fantasy fiction. it seems ur story brings action with a edge. personally i found it really easy to get into what would happen next. i feel as though the story's flow was a little rigid like it needed to be smoothed out some. example.
"Olivia held Mara by her neck up against the stone wall. Mara grabbed Olivia’s wrist struggling to get free. Olivia watched Mara’s face as she continued to gasp for air.Olivia smiled as Mara’s yellow eyes begun to wonder slowly closing."
in some of these cases u can assume the reader know who u r talking about. writing the name over wouldnt be neccesary. but u really got a nice peice of work on your hands. good luck.
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Good action, but three things jumped out at me immediately, one being that the first two paragraphs just seem very abrupt and could do with being joined together here and there. There are also some commas missing, i think--->
"begun to wonder slowly closing"
A comma could go between wander and slowly, for example, which leads me onto my other point; 'wonder' should be wander (wonder being thinking, wander moving) and "she covered her hears" with 'hears' needing to be corrected to ears
Hope that helps. -
nice bad guy action going on. You got a lot of extra words. Nice job.
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This was eerie!! I loved it!! Well done!
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