happy sunshine Chapter one

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• By me, right now

  Adding your comment:
• 
  Vampire MnMs
  May 10
  
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  Good Idea

  You got some real grammar errors here, but you can easily fix those with some help. This was a pretty good idea. You could add some more detail to help pull readers into this.
  
  If you want a story about the title then you've come to the wrong story! This story is about love in different ways. So find a new story if you like happy sunshine.
  
  COULD BE: If you want to read a story that matches the title, you've come to the wrong story! This story is about love in an entirely different way. If you like "Happy Sunshine", find another story to read.
  
  Chapter One: Johny's point
  
  One day a boy moved into a small neighborhood. The only one to greet him was a young girl aroung his age. She tried to help them un-pack the car, but it only got worse! Here is the list:
  (and the rest of the story, you get the point)
  
  COULD BE:
  
  Prologue: Johny's Point
  
  One day, a boy moved into a small neighborhood. His name was Johny. He thought the neighborhood looked nice enough, but the only one to greet him was a young girl around his age. Her name was Juvey. She tried to help Johny's family unpack the car, but she only made everything worse! Here is the list of things she did wrong:
  
  1. Juvey tracked mud onto the new carpet with her shoes.
  2. She dropped a variety of boxes, each containing something different.
  And 3. She was mean to the boy; she found the underwear box and looked inside.
  
  Don't feel sorry yet, this is only the beginning! Let me first introduce you to the characters.
  
  The young, neighborhood girl's name is Juvey, which is short for the name Juveynial. She obviously isn't the greatest of people, but she'll learn.
  
  Her parents are B.D. (Break.Down) and Judy (which is short for nothing). They will be met later on in this story.
  
  The young boy is Johny (for Johnson). His parents are George (Georgington) and Kat (Kathy). They are the main family of this story and you will get to know them better.
  
  You may start seeing some other names, but as the author I will tell you who they are.
  
  Back to the story: "Hi, you must be my neighbor, Juvey!" Johny shouted over the loud crash that Juvey made dropping the kitchen wear; the crash made his head hurt.
  
  "Yup!" she replied, sounding extremely hyperactive and happy.
  
  Johny thought that his new neighbor was extremely crazy, but you will see- throughout the rest of the story she might just change!
  
  DONE WITH MAIN CRITICAL REVIEW
  
  You could also explain what the house looks like. The neighborhood's description would also be nice. The best thing you could do is describe the character's and their personalities.
  
  This should also be considered more of a prologue, since it just introduces the story. You should really consider making the next one your Chapter One.
  
  Good luck and continue writing,
  -Vampire M&Ms-

  
• 
  No Comment
  May 25, 2008
  
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  Well there are a few typos but other than that, this has a good idea behind it. Thanks for introducing the characters before telling the story. I'm sure that will help out later.
  
  Soul
• • 
    Mitzubi
    May 25, 2008
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    thanks

    I didn't mean to do the typo's. and your welcome for introducing the characters
• 
  Tiger-Lily
  May 25, 2008
  
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  Um...may want to watch for the typoes like "# and 3." I think you meant "and #3"?
  
  Also, use speech marks in speech, as it makes for clearer reading.
  
  Hope this helped.
  
  HT
• • 
    Mitzubi
    May 25, 2008
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    thanks

    I didn't relize the # sign so thanks