The Battle For Glubdork

The chief of Glubdork security eyed me appraisingly from behind his desk.1

“All of the other agents are on other assignments,” he said. “I’m afraid you’re all we have.” 2

He projected a holographic image over the desk. It appeared to be some sort of octopus-like creature with numerous long tentacles. The upper part of its body, below the hideous head, consisted of what appeared to be a huge air bladder, probably a lung. The thing had several pipe-like appendages protruding from the lung. It was dressed in a plaid kilt. 3

The chief laid his eyeglasses on his desk and rubbed his eyes. “He’s a Pradian. Name of McSquid.”4

“Looks like a tough hombre. What’s his game?”5

“Wants to sabotage all Glubdorkan verbal communication modules, to change them over to Pradian. Has declared our modules inadequate and inferior.”6

I was officially retired, free to accept or reject any assignment, and I didn’t much fancy locking tentacles with the likes of this McSquid fellow.7

“Why should this concern me?” I asked.8

“Because it concerns him. It’s more than mere words. If it was just words it wouldn’t matter to anybody. But this threatens nothing less than the entire Glubdorkan way of life. All those tentacles, hundreds of them, penetrating and controlling every aspect of our culture.”9

I had to think on that for a bit. A long time ago, before the intergalactic conflict, we were all Pradians, sort of. Since then we’d ridden different trails, but I had never supposed that one trail was better than another, as though we all were supposed to be headed for the same destination, and could get there by only one way. In fact we had not strayed so far from one another, or so I had believed. It made no difference to me, but if it did to the Pradians, well, that put a burr under my saddle. The idea of this set off both of my emotion-activated lazer aggression units, burning two holes clean through the chief’s desk.10

“So you accept the assignment?”11

I don’t know if the chief might have been playing “God Bless Glubdork” in the background, or if I only imagined it, but I was ready for a shootout with this McSquid fellow. 12

“Watch your back. McSquid will probably try to bribe you. Not only that, but we have reason to believe that the Stikkykaps are also after him, so be careful.”13

I didn’t know which was worse, the Stikkykaps or the Pradians. When a Stikkykap communicates verbally she (most of them are young females) is always shifting between the upper and lower registers of the space-time continuum, which disorients and confuses anyone close enough to feel the shift. It’s a strange feeling that I can’t describe. The males wear their helmets with the visor to the back, because with all that shifting along the continuum they never know if they’re coming or going. They emit these verbal signals rapidly with no letup. The purpose is not communication as we know it, but to modulate their ever changing position in space-time. It disorients everyone else, but it somehow orients them.14

The suns were high in the sky when I left the chief’s office. I wanted to get on this McSquid fellow right away. I untied my craft from the hitching post and headed out. You see I knew just where to find him because all the information had automatically been implanted; it saves a lot of time that way. 15

My craft was a Buick Starcruiser TJ374, a real smooth ride and plenty of cup holders, but could only do hyper warp 17. So it was a long ride to Pradia, a lot further than I would have thought.16

When I got to Pradia I injected the Buick’s propulsion system with fuel pellets. With the exchange rate my Glubdorkan money was barely enough. This upset me so much that my lazer aggression system fired off again, almost vaporizing a couple of Pradian guys. They didn’t seem to understand that it was an accident. Touchy folks, those Pradians.17

I only had to ask for directions once. Lucky that I know enough of the Pradian language to get by.18

I found McSquid in his pod. He had a frightful and formidable appearance, mostly because of the huge bellows of a lung, which slowly expanded and contracted, emitting discordant tones from the pipe-like appendages.19

“What tis it I can do for ye, Laddie?” he asked.20

“I was sent from Glubdork to liquidate you.”21

“Ooooh, you doon’t say. Well naow, if you are from Glubdork that means I can’t understand a word yeer saying, naow can I? You doon’t even ‘ave a proper language, as near as I can tell. Unless it would be . . . Pradian. And what might be those things on the ends of yer arrems, Laddie?”22

“Lazers.”23

“Do you mean ‘lasers?’”24

“No; lazers. This is nothing personal. Now die.”25

I aimed the lazers. It was then that he started with his bagpipes, and I hope to never again hear such an ungodly sound. I covered my ears with my hands and my lazer units fired into the ceiling of the pod.26

“Yer’ll nivvah kitch me alive,” he shouted as he ran out the door. For a squid, he was pretty agile.27

“hI, MY nAMe iS MegAn. wHat’S yOur NAMe?”28

I felt a sudden shift in the space-time continuum. I looked at the small figure standing in the doorway. The Stikkykaps had sent a girl to do a man’s job. 29

“mR. mCsQUiD iS GettiNg AWAy. wE NeeD to hURry faSt.”30

“Not we. Me.”31

I ran out the door and fired up the Buick as McSquid’s saucer-like craft disappeared in the distance.32

“hEY miStEr! Wait!”33

“Sorry, kid.” 34

She would be of no use to me, and I knew it might take a while for me to catch up with McSquid. The last thing I needed was to have this kid in the seat next to me jabbering all the way and messing with the continuum. The vibrations could rip a Buick to pieces.35

I stayed on his trail until I caught up with him way out in a desert area. I forget the exact four-dimensional coordinates, but it was light years from anywhere. I pulled up alongside his saucer and rolled down my window.36

“It’s over, McSquid. We kicked your ass once and we’ll do it again!”37

“That’s ‘arse,’ not ‘ass.’ You sir, are the ass.”38

“Whatever.”39

“You know, yer Glubdorkan game of bushwonk that ye’re all so proud of is actually nothing but a barstardized version of krinkum. Your inferiority complex is for good
raison. Not only that, but yer. . .”40

My lazer system suddenly activated, igniting the Buick’s fuel pellets. The explosian hurled me into space. Shrapnel flew all around me. My only thought was to liquidate McSquid. Using my last remaining shred of hope I threw my arms out to grasp one of the force field rods on the underside of McSquid’s saucer. Like a man posessed I grabbed each force field rod in turn with alternating hands, until I had made my way to the edge of the saucer. I clasped the running board and hoisted myself upon it. McSquid was sure surprised when I rapped on the window. He looked at me, then rolled down the window to address me:41

“When Glubdorkans dine, they wipe their mouths with babies’ underpants.”42

That did it. I flung my exhausted body through the side window and we both crashed through the window on the other side. We hovered in the dark void. Hundreds of tentacles, each with hundreds of suction cups, held me in a death grip, while the piercing sound of the bagpipes filled my brain and penetrated the very core of my being. Could it be that I had lost and McSquid had won? Was this to be the final roundup? He had perhaps played the better hand. The cards were now face up on the table, and …43

“I’vE bEEn LookINg eVeRywHErE For yOU tWo.”44

“Och!” McSquid screamed in pain from the effects of the continuum shift.45

It was Megan, in a little tricked out pink Honda zq870. I felt the tentacles loosen their grip ever so slightly. There was still hope.46

“I DoN’t wANt To kiLL yOu mR. mCsQUid, BuT I hAVe to Do mY aSSiGnmeNt And bE hoME BefoRe mY moM AnD DaD fiNd oUt I’M gONe.”47

“Stop it!” screamed McSquid. “Yer confusing me with all that rubbish!”48

The tentacles were falling away now. I freed one arm and gave McSquid a sharp blow to the bellows, and he let out a mighty B flat major seventh chord. I freed my other arm and pushed him away. 49

“Neither of you will get any pints,” he shouted as he receeded into the dark reaches of infinite space. He began playing Achmore Loch on his bagpipes, loud at first, then gradually fading until the only sound was the silence of empty space. 50

“yOU nEEd a riDe tO gLuBDorK?”51

“You know, that’s annoying.”52

“wHaT?”53

“Never mind.”54

I climbed aboard and we headed off. I didn’t feel much like talking, but I knew if I didn’t, she would.55

“My Buick’s gone.”56

“whAT Was tHAt mR. mCSqUId saiD aBOut pINtS? dID hE meAN PoiNtS, LiKE in A coNtesT? I loVE cONteStS.”57

“No. ‘Pints’ is Pradian for glasses of beer, and I could go for one right now.”58

“I’M nOT aLLoWeD tO dRInk bEEr yET.”59

“Pradian beer is orange slinko piss.”60

“IS a sLInKo aNYtHing liKe a ChoNkhORt?’61

“Same thing. It’s just a different spelling.”62

I had enough money left for two beers, and I needed more than that. Just then a red neon light appeared in the distance. BAR, it read. It was still several light years away, but Glubdorkians are equipped with special sensors to detect these things.63

“wHY DiDN’t yOU sHOOt at Him wITh yOUr LaSerS?”64

“I was out of ammo. And by the way, it’s ‘lazers,’ not ‘lasers.’ That stands for light amplification . . . I mean . . . well . . . Just don’t forget what we’ve been fighting for here.”65

“wHAteVeR.”66

I suddenly recalled that all the bars in this region were required to serve ice cream, so when Megan finally dropped me off in Glubdork my pockets were empty. As I waved goodbye, little did I know that soon I would be called upon to liquidate the Stikkykaps, an assignment I would, with some reservations, accept. 67