While I was just a child, my mothers life had been taken. By who I did not know, but I had a feeling the people that found me, huddled in a closet, knew. They were probably to afraid to tell me, or just didn't want me to know. God! Why can't I remember! I slammed my fist against the cement wall of "The Tower." I couldn't recall how many years I had been locked up in there. My age was just a guess. I felt like thousands of years old, but that was not possible. I would have died already.2
Being in a cement room with no windows and a locked door, was not much fun. Not to mention I always had a craving for something, but I could not determine what. I would need to have real food instead of this bread and milk thing. Occasionally I got a piece of raw meat. I ate it even though I knew I could get sick. I was always hungry. Always. 3
How can I get out of this prison. The door is locked from the outside, and I have no key. there is no windows, not even one with bars. What can I do? A loud knock at the door brought me back to reality. Thomas walked in the room. Even though he was my captor, I couldn't help but love him. His blue eyes were so bright, they were almost white. His black hair added a dark, almost evil, look to his face.4
What is it Thomas?" I said. I tried to sound bored with him. He kind of smiled and replied, "Adrianna, now that you are 18 cen-, uh, years old, it's time you knew the truth of your being here." I was a little surprised at this, but said nothing. I tried to look clueless. It worked because he immediatally started explaining why I was there.5
You're parents, as you know, were killed when you were 12 years old, but you are not only 18 years of age," He began. "You are at least 18 century's old and-" I interrupted him and said, "That's impossible! I'm not a vampire or something!" When I said the word vampire he flinched. "Wait. I'm not a vampire, right?" Thomas started to speak, but the door flew open. A man with the same color eyes as Thomas stood there. 6
"She has the same color eyes as us, Tommy-Boy. She who I think she is?" He laughed and sharp teeth were shown. Thomas looked at me, then he jumped up and pushed me half way across the room. he was in the place I was, and went flying into the wall. Now the other guy stood there. What is going on? I wondered.7
"Adrianna!" Thomas yelled. "You must run, but don't go outside! You would die!" I got up off the floor, and ran out the door. I had no idea where I was going, but I smelled something sweet, and I couldn't resist going that way. I opened a door, and saw a giant hole in the ground. It was filled with a dark red liquid. I went over and cupped my hands in the liquid, and then put my hands up to my face. I drank whatever it was without even realizing it. When I noticed what I was doing, I immediately stopped. I realized I did not have a craving anymore. I was full.8
I heard the door behind me open. I turned around, and there stood that man. He just stared at me. After a few minutes i couldn't take it anymore. I yelled out, "What do you want with me?" My voice sounded a little different, as if in and old English accent.9
"I see you drank from Tommy's blood well." My stomach lurched as he said this. "Your voice is full of the accent. You're definitely her." I couldn't be a vampire. I just couldn't. It was impossible. But then again I drank the sweet tasting liquid which he said was blood.10
"Where's Thomas?" I asked. He laughed his strange laugh. "Tommy-boys off somewhere playing with my sister. Having a great time to." I yelled, "His name is Thomas!" When I yelled this I started to remember something. I saw that someone was running. I was looking through their eyes. They looked down at a key. It was a female because she was wearing a dress. 11
She was running quickly down a hall. A huge metal door was there in front of her. She came to a halt at the door, and unlocked the huge, rusted lock. It fell to the floor with a heavy thud. The person called out, "Thomas, I unlocked the door. You can come out." It sounded like me! She was about to walk in the room when someone called her name.12
"Adrianna! Come downstairs!" It finally made sense. That person was me! I ran down the stairs quickly. The door was still unlocked.
"Adrianna. Were you talking to that Tommy-Boy again?" The same man asking that was now accusing me of being a vampire. I said, "His name is Thomas!" I suddenly came back to reality. He laughed. "So you remember now?" I shook my head and replied, "Not everything." He laughed again.13
"Then I'll just give you time to remember," He sounded excited and sat down at the edge of the well. I thought back to what I saw before, and I remembered a little more. I saw I was running back up the stairs. It was very dark out. I ran into the room Thomas was in. "Hello, Thomas!" I was excited. "This is the first time I get to see your face! Thank you for saving me when my parents were killed!" Thomas saved me? That made no sense!14
I saw Thomas walk out of the corner of the room. His face was covered in blood. "Thomas, are you bleeding?" I asked. I seemed worried. "It's not my blood." He smiled when he said that. "You shouldn't have left the door unlocked. Everybody's dead except that fool who stopped you from walking into this room earlier." I shrank into a corner. He suddenly appeared right in front of me. He put his hand on my face.15
"Don't be scared, Adrianna," He began. "I won't kill you." He grabbed my arm with his free hand. "Thomas, you're hurting me!" I panicked. "Let me go." He smiled. Then his face came forward towards mine and he kissed me. I was trying to get away but I couldn't! He was to strong. He slammed me against the wall and I cried out in pain. He stopped kissing me. "Please, Thomas! Let me go." I was crying now. "Oh, no," He said. "Not yet." His mouth was now near my neck. I couldn't turn my head because He was holding my face to tightly. I felt horrible pain in my neck now. I felt something stabbing into my neck, and Thomas's lips gently sucking away the blood.16
Again reality rushed back to me. "Remember now?" He asked. I looked away and a tear rolled down my cheek. "Yes," I almost whispered. "Fight me then!" He yelled. "You're a vampire and you have our strength! Why not fight?" I looked directly at him and something snapped inside of me.17
"I'll fight." As long as he doesn't get any other people to fight too, I thought. He came charging at me and I did something I didn't think I could. I flipped right over his head. I landed gently on my feet. I quickly turned around. Again he ran towards me. He tried to hit me but I grabbed his arm and flipped him onto his back. I thought that was amazing. 18
He grabbed my leg and threw me into the wall. I fell to the floor, but didn't feel that hurt. I got up and ran at that person. I finally remembered his name when I made him fly into the opposite wall. "Have you had enough, Jack?" He seemed surprised that I remembered his name.19
"Why would I give up to someone with your dirty blood?" He was not going to give up, obviously. I appeared right in front of him and screamed, "Dirty blood?! How the hell do I have dirty fucking blood?!" I grabbed his throat and slammed him into the wall. There was a sharp metal pole sticking outward where he was slammed against the wall. He cried out in pain and started to slide himself off the metal pole.20
"No, no!" I said. "I don't want you to do that!" I grabbed the end of the pole and bent it. It was surprisingly easy. He still kept trying to get off, but it was useless. He was stuck for good. Unless someone were to unbend the pole, he wouldn't be getting off any time soon. I stood right in front of him. He reached out for my arm, but I was too far away. I stepped a little closer and he cut my arm. A thin, long line of black blood trickled down my arm.21
I stared down at the cut while I backed away. It healed right before my eyes! Maybe being a vampire wasn't that bad! I looked around the room and noticed a crossbow. Should I use it? I wondered. No, I don't need to. I'd rather kill with my hands anyway! That thought made me laugh. Woah! I screamed in my head. What's wrong with you? You never thought that way before, Adrianna!22
I turned my back to Jack, and walked out the door. I was again in the long hallway. I heard things that a human couldn't have heard. I heard a heartbeat right behind me. I turned around and saw Thomas. I smiled a little, but it was a cold, heartless smile. He must have known that I knew the truth because he apologized. "Adrianna, I'm so sorry. If I had known what a lovely-" I cut him off. "What? You would have turned me anyway. What does it matter to you if I'm a vampire or not? I'm one of the undead. It's unchangeable so get over it. That's what I have to do!" I turned on me heel and walked down the steps.23
"He didn't walk after me. He just stood there watching. I sat at the bottom of the large stairwell and silently cried. I trusted him. No, I loved him! He turned me into a vampire, and I loved him! This had been the first time I've cried since... I got up and was about to walk down the hall when I heard a loud crash. I heard someone scream in pain. It was Thomas! I ran up the stairs and yelled, "Thomas! I'm coming!" I ran faster. When I got up the stairs I saw Jack stepping on Thomas's chest. I could tell Thomas was in pain.24
I ran full speed at Jack. When I hit him he went flying all the way down the hall. He broke through the thick, grey brick and streaming sunlight came through. I grabbed Thomas and jumped into a room. I shut the door. Luckily no sunlight had hit either of us. It was very easy to tell Jack wouldn't be coming back to try to kill us. I mean, vampires die in sunlight. Don't they? Thomas and I waited until the sun had set, then left the room. We looked out of the big hole created by Jack's collision with it. Then the unthinkable happened! Thomas looked at me and I looked at him. Our eyes locked into a stare and the next thing I knew our lips locked to! My dream had come true. I didn't care that he was the one who had turned me into a vampire!25
After about a year, Thomas and I saw something we never expected. We were out roaming the night when we came upon a party. Of course we didn't go into the party. We saw a lot of people partying. Some movement caught my attention. I saw someone that looked eerily similar to Jack. He looked up at me, his eyes red. He smiled an evil smile at me. Someone walked in front of him and when the person moved out from in front of him, he was gone! I turned to Thomas to tell him. Thomas was gone. Jack was back, Thomas was gone! What's going on here?
Author notes
Jack was originally going to be the person who turned her into a vampire, but I decided it would make a nice twist if it was Thomas. hehe. It's a cliff hanger ending! I'm going to write a second "book!
A contest entry
- Titles and Ideas! by Caledonia.
234 points, ended July 4, 2008, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Chance to Win by moonwriter.
450 points, ended June 24, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Got something good? by IxLovexElphiex.
250 points, ended July 13, 2008, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
So? Did I write a good story?
Comments
-
i was slightly confused,
but i love vampire stories!
the story was good, but it was kind of unclear. most of the time i was unsure of what was going on.
nice decriptions though.
thanks for entering and good luck!
-
I agree with my friend below me. This was good. Nice twist and nice plot line. I liked it. There were mild mistakes, but nothing too big. Pretty good. I was interested. Nice descriptions and a nice mixture of thought and dialouge. Good job!
-
-
thank you. i'm still working on it a little with the comments people are giving me. thanks for telling me what i need to work on.
-
-
Niiiice!
Loved it!! Awesome twist, with the whole Thomas turning her into a vampire thing. A few little grammer errors and places where there could have been more imagery, but it didn't take away from the story.
And good cliffhanger too! I can't wait to read more!
-
-
thank you! i know i need to work on a few things, and thank you for pointing those out! thanks!
-
-
OMG!! I loved it Aussie!
I was kept at the edge of my seat! And although for a few grammatical errors, it's really great. I can't wait to read the next one! Keep writing man! I love the characters and good choice on Thomas changing Adrianna, I'm just saying...nice names too. I love the detail that you put into this piece of work. You could work on it a little more...get in depth with the overall mood of the story. Just give us a little more imagery and that'll be awesome!

beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
-
-
thank you! I definitly keep working on it. who said it's done? lol. anyways! thanks!
-
-
Nice variety of sentence constructions, and overall this flows pretty well. You might want to check out the odd typing/spelling error - centuries for the plural etc - but that's just me being a pedant! Overall this is competently structured; perhaps you could build up more empathy with your audience through devices like figurative language and greater imagery etc. Having been nit picky I actually did like this, it has great potential, thanks for sharing.
-
-
thank you! I know i need to work on a few things, and thank you for telling me the things that i need to work on! thanks again!
-
-
You definitely did write a good story....WOW...i loved it! You are clever in your wording and the idea was wonderfully carried out. The voice of the story is strong and concise, with wonderful detail and emotion. Your conventions were nice, though not perfected, but i won't dwell because i loved it all. The structure of the story created a nice flow that kept it easy to read and kept me wanting even more. I do hope you write another, i will be one of the first on your list of readers...true talent shines through!
Durian. -
-
thank you! I tried to get it right, and I guess I did! yay!
-
-
huddlede < should be huddled...Occasionally i < i should be I. This was great~ I wish you would continue...cause this is a great start~ Short but makes me care about the character and want to know what happens. Well done~~durian
-
-
thanks. I'm gonna try to finish this now. could take a while. lol.
-






