Cactus Jack by ablelaz1
He walked out of the desert one day back in eighteen seventy five. Just a slip of a boy, couldn’t have been any more than fourteen. He had a knife on his belt that was almost as big as he was, it wasn’t stylish, just a plain looking butcher knife near as I could see. 2
It was late July and nobody went out in the desert at that time of the year, that’s unless they had a screw loose. 3
The desert was hot as Hades this time of the year, especially in the day light hours. Still I can’t say he looked like he was suffering all that much.4
“What your name boy?--and where do you hail from?”5
“Out there.” He shrugged pointing out into the desert. “My name is Jack.”6
“Jack what?—man needs two names, what’s your last name?”7
“I guess I don’t got one.”8
“Man needs a last name, what was your father called?”9
“Jack, him called Jack, same like me.”10
“Okay,” I throw my hands up. “Since you came from the cactus patch, we’ll call you Cactus Jack.”11
“Cactus Jack—yeah I like that.”12
His eyes wandered over to the watering trough. “Who owns the water?” 13
“No-body; it’s a community well, the water’s for whoever needs it.”14
“Well! I guess that’s me.” He moved toward the trough, the movement seemed strangely effortless. He wore a pair of bitches that were made from some kind of animal skin, a low crown hat that must have been white once. A piece of cloth was tied around his neck at one end and draped down over his shoulders to about waist length. Keenly alert eyes swept over his surroundings, missing nothing. A half smile played at the corners of his mouth, not threatening, but strangely mocking. He rinsed his hat out and was just washing his arms when the roar, interrupted his task.15
“What the hell do you think your doing? That’s my drinking water, your muddying.”16
Buck Olson was a big man, strong as an ox and with the general dispassion of an enraged water buffalo. 17
“You might as well be pissing on my dinner plate, you stupid Indian.” 18
“Water tastes good, Mr. Whiteman.” Jack scooped out a handful and drank it.19
No one could fault Buck for jumping to the conclusion this youngster was Indian. His skin was the color of polished mahogany, the way he dressed certainly leaned toward Indian and his life style was Indian. Most people thought if someone looks like an Indian and acts like an Indian, they are probably an Indian. I kept my opinion to myself; I had seen the keen, piercing, blue, eyes of the youngster, when he first entered our community and I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen, a blue eyed Indian.20
Buck Olson’s approach to a fight never varied, full speed ahead and batter anything that’s standing in your way, to the ground. The problem seemed to arise when he attempted to deliver one of his bone crushing blows. Buck’s first try was text book, the swing started way out in the nether lands and it carried every once of Buck’s right shoulder behind it. The problem is that by the time Buck’s fist arrived at its target, the target wasn’t there. The momentum behind that swing was awesome and with nothing there to absorb it, became a force to reckon with. Buck did his best to control it, but the damn thing had him off balance and the next thing, he was in the dust on his back. 21
He looked the crowed over carefully, as if seaching for anyone who appeared, to be having too much pleasure at his expense. As he rolled over onto his knees and started to rise, he had all, but forgotten about the youngster. The kick, delivered to his ass, was timed perfectly with that instant when one is most vulnerable, from a balance point of view and it sent him sprawling in the dust a second time. As Buck, regained his feet the light of reason left his eyes, replaced now by manic hatred. He glared at his victim, turned antagonist.22
“I’m going to cripple you, boy.”23
“Come on Mr. Whiteman; you said you wanted to play.” 24
Buck brought the battle to a new level by drawing a thirty eight revolver from his overall’s pocket. The move caught everyone by surprise; Buck was no gunman, in fact no one could ever remember him resorting to the gun. 25
The people watching seemed to be stunned into a sort of a trance, everyone that is, except Cactus Jack. He charged right at the confused Buck, who desperately tried to cock the pistol. Just as he accomplished that Jack disappeared under his left arm, I saw the glint of sunlight on steel and the left strap of Buck’s braces went limp. He turned around trying to locate his foe, holding up his pants with his left hand, while lifting the cocked pistol, high with his right.26
Suddenly the big awkward knife severed the right brace, and Jack popped up right in front of Buck. With his pants now a forgotten, in a heap around his ankles, Buck did the thing he knew best. He brought the cocked gun straight down at Jacks head, which was less than two feet away.27
The look of disbelieve on Buck’s face, gave way to one of despair. The target had once again vanish, the instant before impacted. Buck knew the gun would impact his leg and he steeled himself against the pain he knew was inevitable. The gun smashed into his right knee with incredible force, but not a hint of the pain, he must have been suffering, showed on his face.28
To add insult to injury the gun discharged upon impact with the knee, sending a bullet into the top of Buck’s left foot.29
On a wounded foot and a damaged knee, Buck Olson stood in the middle of the village square, dressed in nothing more than a badly soil pair of under shorts and a pair of boots. A puddle of blood was forming round his left foot and his right knee had already attained monstrous proportions. 30
He stuck his hand out toward Jack. “Son you just fought a hell of a battle and you beat me fair and square. I just want you to know, I hold no hard felling against you, here my hand on it.”31
“Oh, no! Mr. Whiteman; I was only playing a game, then you started hurting yourself and I don’t know why. The longer the game lasted the more seriously you injured yourself. I’m glad the game is over; if it had lasted much longer, I’m sure you would have killed yourself.”32
Buck shifted his weight a little trying to close the distance, Jack was maintaining, but the effort put extra pressure on his damaged knee. The knee collapsed spilling Buck; face first, into the dust of the square once more. 33
Jack picked up the revolver and spun it around on his finger, tossing it into the air and catching it with ease. He must have sensed I was watching him, with a sheepish look he toss the gun to me.34
“Nice little toy gun.”35
“Yea, it made a nice little toy, hole in Buck’s foot.36
Jack walked to the water trough, scooped out a dipperful and carried it to Buck, who had just managed to reach a sitting position.37
“Here MR. Whiteman, you look like you could use a nice drink of water.” Buck took a mouthful rinsed, spit it out and drank the rest.38
“That is good water; thanks.”39
We didn’t have a doctor here in Mercy Wells, so we took Buck to the saloon, so the vet could treat him. It seemed he was likely to loss two toes and the bruise on his knee would take its own sweet time healing, but in time he would be fine.40
When I got back to the village square Jack was gone. I asked Jud Rudder were he went, he pointed toward the desert.41
“Took a sip of water and walked right straight into that hell.”42
I looked out into the sand, cactus and heat waves, that was about as close as one could come to hell on earth, but there was nothing visible.43
Seems like pretty much everyone has a theory about Jack. Some think he was just an idle headed youngster, without the smarts to look after myself. Some just deny his existence; saying he was just a sort of mirage, that concept was kind of hard to sell Buck Olson. 44
I like to keep my opinion to myself, but I admit to watching the desert carefully, because if Cactus Jack ever decides to pay us another visit, I for one don’t want to miss it.45
Author notes
OPTION 6
A contest entry
- Greeters are Taking over!! by SW Greeters.
4100 points, ended June 25, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
I`m not sure what bithers me about this piece, perhaps voice or tense?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Hey ablelaz,
This is a damn fine piece of story telling! Evoked the image to my mind of cowboys sitting around the fire after supper spinning yarns. I think this fellow would have been called on often.
Para15-line2-LOL-I damn near choked on a sip of coffee when I read these words-'he wore a pair of bitches'
I see all the typos,etc have been cited and I have nothing to add
Steve
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Cactus Jack reminds us softies of those who live in extremes and live well. They take what is given by mother nature and use it to advantage. Very good story indeed.
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Great Story telling
We really do need to hear from Cactus Jack again. I didn't relize I had already commited on this before, so can't rate again.
#22 He looked the [crowed]
should be crowd
leave out comma after appeared
he had all, leave out comma
delivered to his ass, again, I would leave out the comma
As Buck, again leave out comma
#26 lifting the cocked pistol, high still doesn't need the comma
#28 had once again [vanish] should be vanished
the minute before [impacted] should be impact
#30 badly soil pair should be badly soiled
#31 I hold no hard [felling] should be feelings
#34 sheepish look, [he toss] should be tossed
#40 he was likely to [loss] should be lose
Cactus Jack is spelled wrong in the title
Another wonderful story. You're so great at telling this type of tale. I really like Cactus Jack and I hope you bring him back again for another installment.
I saw several places I would leave out the commas, and most of the others are just typos, but what a wonderful story!
Trish
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I really liked this story! I thought that your writing skill was fabulous and I thought it was a very nice story. It was inconsistant at some points, but otherwise, nice job. Good luck writing in the future!
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Over all, I liked it. The writing is excellent, or close to it. You've mixed third person objective with 1st person narrative, and there's no reason why that can't work. However, I believe you should have started with first person narrative if you wanted to end it in the 1st person. Starting in the 1st person could have placed you in the scene; and it is one scene. As it is, your ending narrative seems an unsatisfying addendum.
A few 1st person lines placed at the beginning could may a big difference, I think.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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I really enjoyed your story.
Did it win the contest? Good story writing. I am looking for people to join my new group.I just started it four days ago and only have one member.
It's called the Over the Hill Gang is is for anyone over 50.
Please check it out.
Trish
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interesting write. 
What made you write it like this? How'd you come up with Jack being a cowboy? 
nice going.
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So Jack is a desert rogue who can out-fight any man alive? No offense Jack, but...*laughs quite a lot*
I thought the idea behind the story was great, and the story itself was pretty good too. I think you could have done a bit more with the fighting scenes, but they still came across relatively well. You seem to very consistently misuse commas, so some time you'll have to look into those. Thanks for the entertaining read, and good luck in the contest!
*hands Buck a tumbler of whiseky to disinfect his foot and the rest of the bottle to kill the pain*
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Prickly
The biggest thing that seems to bother me (indeed, at times, jumps out at me) is your inconsistencies. The primary one lies in point of view. I have no idea why you tell this in first person...as the narrator is not necessary or, I felt, all that integral to the tale. If you leave him out and keep an "omniscient" narrator (with no "I") I think you will have a much better, smoother, story.
Second, I find your language, on occasion, inconsistent. There are words, phrases, and idioms you use which jar. And oftentimes the dialogue does not ring true.
I was enjoying the very beginning...when, for some reason the: "as I could see" I found disturbing. Perhaps because you do not NEED it!
The word "that's" in P3 jars one because it is inconsistent with the sound of the story so far...and doesn't ring true. Too contemporary/formal. (I have a good ear...take my word...and to prove it...you do it again and again!)
Does "hades" have a capital "H?" I think it might.
Again, the words "as," "at" and "the" in P4 don't belong. The sentence reads much better as: "The desert was hot as Hades this time of year...etc"
In P5 how about a simple "Where you from?" The "hail" bothered me. Sounds like you're trying too hard. It doesn't belong!
The next several lines are fine...perfect for the dialogue. But also note...there is NO FIRST PERSON HERE! You lost him...and we don't miss him. So when he comes back later...it's annoying...SORE THUMB,(so to speak!)
Now...what's this "him called Jack?" Is that supposed to be Indian lingo? I didn't care for it. Try something else.
Next line could better be attributed to anyone but "I."
In P13...One of those inconsistencies of yours...the boy suddenly uses "the." How about, if you want to go with the Indian thing: "Who owns water?" Or just "Who owns?" The way you have him speaking he sound like a city scholar.
In P14 you don't even need the first sentence.
bitches = bRitches
The description is fine. (I'd think about that "half-smile" thing...it's becoming a cliche
Buck is described well...but becomes a bit too stereotypical in his clumsy bullying. Like something out of Bad Day At Black Rock. (Remember Ernie Borgnine?)
Lose the Ox simile...cliche (P17)
I'd also lose "enraged"...the word doesn't fit. The sound is off. This narrator would NOT USE such a word!
P19...Again! "Water TASTE good!" You have TasteS!"
And no "MR" Just Whiteman is enough...or maybe something a little better...less "Indian cliche!"
P20...JUMPING TO THE CONCLUSION...is out of place...and another cliche. How about just: "concluding"
you don't need the word: "certainly"
life style? A little sweeping? How about "manner?"
The next "duck" bit is bad. (walks like a duck, talks like a duck, etc.)
And again, no one cares anymore about this narrator's opinion...he is quite apart and inconsequential...at this point. And what's the meaning of the "blue-eyed" business? Why not just say..."but he had keen, piercing blue eyes...unlike an Indian"
The word "community" doesn't belong. We already have our idea of place and locale...but it is the WRONG SOUNDING word! And whereas I KNOW you are going to argue for the meaning of "community"...it doesn't belong! No one out there would be using this word!!
In P21 I wouldn't use the phrase "TEXT-BOOK." Again, it is out of place...out of time. Doesn't belong. P21
"Neither lands" do you mean Nether lands?
"every once" = every one
The first time Buck is in the "DUST" is fine...but you use it at least twice more. Don't.
P22 The word "looked" and "looking" are only 6 words apart.
"crowed" = crowd
FORGET "I THINK!" Don't you see how unnecessary this is? Just: "He had all...etc"
Lose "to his ass" it's jarring and disturbing and doesn't belong.
Again, I don't like "Mr. Whiteman." Please find another name.
And Jack's attitude is vague. ("Wanted to play..." is this delivered in a belicose way? Sneering...etc? or is Jack really childlike?)I'm not being naive...but I think a "childlike" Jack would be more endearing.
Anyway, I don't want to go on and on...(although I just spotted another out of place cliche..."insult to injury! lol! You might fix "hell on earth", too!)I think you can get the idea, IF YOU AGREE...and fix the rest consistent with my comments. Also...thematically, the tale merely amounts to this "fight." What's the point I wonder...
And it ends with that old Lone Ranger bit about "who was that masked man?"
You know? I think you need a stronger bottom line.
GA
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Good Tale
I'm certain CactusJack will enjoy this story. This is really some story. Buck Olson would have done well not to mess with Jack. I enjoyed reading this story. I noticed a few typos.
Thanks for entering 'Greeters are Taking over!!'
Andy
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He deserves this story ‘Big time’
So you broke Jack off from the rest of us. He deserves this story ‘Big time’ 
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Wait one minute, what am I saying. He wants you to turn Buck into Andy--yikes! You don't think it's because he wants to share the story? 
He wan't to beat up on Andy 
A terrific job of plotting. I felt terrible sorry for Buck, but after all though it was his fault , who can take on a “Greeter’ and not get
.
Thanks for this entry into our contest. And good luck,
Geri
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Well this has my vote.
Pretty interesting story. It feels like it could be much longer.
A few typos here and there (the title) and on paragraph 15 I hope you mean britches
I might have to reread this. I felt like I didn't catch everything. If you like you can replace Buc with Andy
Good story all around and I hope to see more like it!
Good luck in the contest.
Jack
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Hey Jack.
It can't be me in place of Buck, I shy away from fights and guns.
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